I am pleased that you are pleased
Hello guys,
My previous supervisor sent me a nice email to congratulate me for my work.
My answer was of:
...."I am pleased that you are satisfied with my work" 🙂
....
I think it is bonding since we bond through our positive emotions towards one another and that I still acknowledge her the judge role without giving up too much power.
So I think it's a win-win way of expressing this while power-protecting. I could be mistaken though. Maybe this is me taking the judge role.
Personally, I find it too gimmicky.
And yes, it feels a bit like a (not so bad, yellow-level) attempt at switching the power tables and becoming "the judge".
I'd simply say:
Thank you so much, I'm happy to read that.
And potentially add:
More of that coming 😉
Curious to read what others think.
My take would be:
- if the work relationship is ongoing, or concerns an external client, to not reply.
It feels right to me that the supervisor (or the client) has the “last word” on the matter.
- if the work relationship has ended, to reply by thanking and saying something positive about the other person.
As in “thank you so much for your guidance and support through all these years”.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 28, 2022, 10:23 amThank you so much, I'm happy to read that.
Quote from Bel on June 28, 2022, 12:00 pmAs in “thank you so much for your guidance and support through all these years”.
These are the ones that most resonate with me. I'm learning with you all that a simple and sincere "thank you" is often the best in most situations.
Lucio's good when you don't want to give away too much power and still acknowledge the compliment.
But, in some situations, it might be advisable to give back a little bit more and acknowledge not just the compliment, but past give-and-take.
Bel's when you need to show more warmth and acknowledgement.
Quote from John Freeman on June 28, 2022, 8:18 am...."I am pleased that you are satisfied with my work" 🙂
....
In English it may indeed sound as if you were attempting a little coup d'état against your previous supervisor, as Lucio says. But if the original interaction was in French and you said something like "je suis heureux/content que...", I wouldn't say it necessarily implies a judge role from your part. (Here I am chipping in as a non native speaker, so feel free to ignore).
My feel is that constructions like "I am X that you Y" can go both ways, and here is when the cultural component of language comes into play. Overall, I think that the interpration that her compliment (approval) made you feel happy would be more likely in francophone contexts, so to me it seems that the judge power is still be with her. Face to face, things like context, intonation and body language would take care of showing who is the judge and who is the respondent. In text, you could reinforce this interpretation with a "thank you", or perhaps reword it as to make it clearer who is who - but because this kind of construction is very well established in French, nothing was really lost here.
Ultimately, I do think that it was win-win and power protecting in the right context.
Quote from Kavalier on June 28, 2022, 7:05 pmMy feel is that constructions like "I am X that you Y" can go both ways, and here is when the cultural component of language comes into play. Overall, I think that the interpration that her compliment (approval) made you feel happy would be more likely in francophone contexts, so to me it seems that the judge power is still be with her. Face to face, things like context, intonation and body language would take care of showing who is the judge and who is the respondent. In text, you could reinforce this interpretation with a "thank you", or perhaps reword it as to make it clearer who is who - but because this kind of construction is very well established in French, nothing was really lost here.
Ultimately, I do think that it was win-win and power protecting in the right context.
Great point!
Absolutely, the local culture always gets the last word (of course, we know here that much of human nature is the same anywhere, but at this level of detail local culture, figures of speech, and language have the upper hand).
Quote from Bel on June 28, 2022, 12:00 pmMy take would be:
- if the work relationship is ongoing, or concerns an external client, to not reply.
Interesting, and curiosu to know more if you want to elaborate.
I personally wouldn't go for this one.
Because:
- Any exchange is an opportunity to get closer: and any non-reply is an opportunity loss. Generally speaking, the more you engage with those who matter in your life, the closer you get, the more they'll want to help you
- You fail the "bid for emotional reward": compliments obey much of the give/take social exchange rules. When people give, they often (secretly) expect something back. Often all that's needed is a sign of acknowledgment or some gratitude. Not replying to compliments fails to give back at an emotional level
- You miss the opportunity to thread expand on a great thread: whenever you got a thread that's good for you, you want to expand it (thread expanding is now in the foundational lesson on frame control in PU since this last upgrade). Replying is a simple but effective way of expanding on that thread
- Not replying can be misconstrued as a rebuff: how do you feel when someone doesn't reply to you? To a lot of people, it's worse than a negative reply. Maybe your boss doesn't care, but... Why take that risk?
I'd even say to reply to anything your boss writes. He asks the simplest thing possible in email? Just hit back with "done".
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 29, 2022, 4:48 amQuote from Bel on June 28, 2022, 12:00 pmMy take would be:
- if the work relationship is ongoing, or concerns an external client, to not reply.
Interesting, and curiosu to know more if you want to elaborate.
I personally wouldn't go for this one.
Because:
- Any exchange is an opportunity to get closer: and any non-reply is an opportunity loss. Generally speaking, the more you engage with those who matter in your life, the closer you get, the more they'll want to help you
- You fail the "bid for emotional reward": compliments obey much of the give/take social exchange rules. When people give, they often (secretly) expect something back. Often all that's needed is a sign of acknowledgment or some gratitude. Not replying to compliments fails to give back at an emotional level
- You miss the opportunity to thread expand on a great thread: whenever you got a thread that's good for you, you want to expand it (thread expanding is now in the foundational lesson on frame control in PU since this last upgrade). Replying is a simple but effective way of expanding on that thread
- Not replying can be misconstrued as a rebuff: how do you feel when someone doesn't reply to you? To a lot of people, it's worse than a negative reply. Maybe your boss doesn't care, but... Why take that risk?
I'd even say to reply to anything your boss writes. He asks the simplest thing possible in email? Just hit back with "done".
Thank you Lucio, this could be an important mistake I was constantly making.
To give some context and examples:
- I draft a contract and send it to the client ending my email with “I remain at your disposal and send you my kindest regards”; client sends me an email just containing:
Client: “Thanks!”
I used to not reply, because I felt that sending another email with “My pleasure” could be perceived as gimmicky.
But I now remember this same client later saying things I didn’t understand, like
I hope I’m not inconveniencing you with my constant requests, but it’s work.
- Boss forwards me an email containing a positive comment by a third party and says
“I’m not the only one to think good of you. I’m very happy, you’re doing good”.
I used to not reply, because I didn’t know what to say and perceived a risk that my answer could be interpreted as a top up.
- I send an email to a client specifying work is concluded, nothing is due, I am glad I could be of assistance, and remain available for future needs. Client replies:
Thank you so much for everything you did for me, I have no adequate words to explain how you made this situation lighter.Thanks again
Bel you’re always perfect, thank you.
Thanks Bel.
Thank you for your continued preference.
Thank you, you’re always so precise and attentive.
Thank you for the excellent assistance!
Thank you for the assistance, we will catch up when we receive an answer from the counterpart.
If these were all mistakes on my part it’s very useful to know, because then I am certain they contributed to the reactions I got.
Some of these people started getting manipulative.
Also having a stock answer for these situations would be very useful. Maybe some variation of
Thank you for your kind words. / Thank you! / Thanks to you! / It’s a pleasure (to be of assistance). / Thank you, I’m happy to read your kind words.
Could work. I’ll start answering these bids more from now on and see what happens.
Edit: by thinking about this, I am starting to get a feeling that in some ways my “non-replies” in some of these cases were also somewhat due to my (unconsciously) perceiving that I was not being treated fairly/was being taken for granted/in some cases manipulated, and my unconsciously trying to “rebalance” the relationship.
I now guess it wasn’t the smoothest way to do so.
Second edit: I’m also thinking this is something that was induced in me by my former law firm bosses. When I received these kinds of messages from external clients I was unconsciously wary that they would be upset if I acknowledged the external compliments.
And finally there is also a matter of legal effectiveness. I feel acknowledging compliments during legal representation could induce the client to think I am confident in the final positive result, and I don’t want to give indications this is the case as it is always impossible to guarantee a legal result. But I admit this is the least important of motivations here, as it could be overcome by more smoothness in acknowledging compliments or thanks.
Yeah, your reflections make sense.
Albeit all of those are slightly different use cases.
For example, when a customer compliments you or (effusively) thanks you, you have given to them already with great work.
In John's case, and in many bosses compliments cases, the compliments aren't just for work John did directly for his boss, but for his general performance and personality -such, as the recipient and the beneficiaries of John's work were largely the hospital, and the patients, much of John's good work credit is with hospital and patients, not 100% with his boss -.
That makes it slightly different since John has not already directly given to his boss -while you often have directly worked for, and given, to the customers-.
Let me know if it makes sense.
And, of course, as usual, you know better what's the situation and the people you want to grow closer and thread expand with (and who deserved your time), and who you want to cut out (your notes in the edits make sense).
Still, in at least some of those cases, part of what we wrote above still applies, and I'd have probably replied to a few of them.
Thank you so much Lucio!
So I am off topic again 🙂
But, you mean if I did work for the client it’s best not to reply to these “thanks”, or that it’s optional?
Can I ask you which are the most important cases in my post you would have replied to? I am very interested in not making this mistake anymore.
Quote from Bel on June 29, 2022, 11:21 amCan I ask you which are the most important cases in my post you would have replied to? I am very interested in not making this mistake anymore.
It's a lot of them :D.
Let's make a note and talk about it in person in July :).