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"I'm not that easy" objections: how to handle them

Hello Lucio,

I read your excellent article on why women should not delay sex and I agree with it. Not because I'm a guy, but because I stopped pursuing women who were either playing too many games or the relationship was not reciprocal enough.

Tonight, I was on a date with a pretty girl and we had a good time, we had natural chemistry and common humor. At the end I tried to kiss her on the mouth to say good bye. For me it would be weird not to do that on a romantic date. Otherwise it's platonic.

  • She said (with a smile, she's a warm person): "I'm not that easy"
  • My frame (sincere): "I think it's better to do what we feel in the moment" and "I think to wait just to wait is not natural"
  • She also said: "I think that when we kiss it has to be special", to which I said: "I respect your boundaries" and said good bye
  • She said: "but I agree to see you again" (Tomorrow, I'm going to start to read the power dynamics of dating in the course I feel like women have too much power compared to me in most situations).

In between there was a lot of hugging and I kissed her on the cheeks a lot. I do like her as a person, she is a warm and pretty girl and is quite interesting, so it was all natural for me.

At the same time, I learned from Girlschase that you can insist and try to persuade but this has not to be a confrontation.

What frame would you have used or told her? Would have you insisted more? Or set a frame where she wants you like frame-flipping like girlschase do. 

I think it was quite effective when I used it in the past. I'm a bit rusty as I was a better seducer in the past, I'm slowly working to get back there.

Otherwise, my mindset is that "Life is practice", so I don't feel rejected or disappointed. I'm the learner.

Here is girlschase opinion on the topic of objections. Do you agree? We see a lot of agree-and-amplify in there.

You talked about women delaying sex as a fair strategy and I agreed on the "fair" adjective. However, what is the counter-measure to that? Just turn up the heat? That is what I'm currently considering.

A few notes:

  • Article: Yes, a lot of agree and amplify in that article.

Girlschase has often a lot of great content, and I learned a lot from Chase.

But that specific article has too much agree and amplify.

One of the issues with the agree and amplify I highlight in the frame control lessons, one more issue, in this case, is that you remain stuck in a not-so-good frame for you for a while, since she's either going to laugh at it, or keep talking about it. And that further cements her frame, and gives away power.

  • Insisting and persuading, yes, but for... What? Not for a kiss.

I agree, it's silly to completely discount some women's objections since some of them are real.
I often mix logic with sexual escalation, but only if we're talking about sex. I wouldn't start a discussion about a kiss. As a matter of fact...

  • I rarely kiss on the mouth

my first kiss is almost always on the neck. It's too easy, too expected, and too common for the woman to reject the kiss attempt on the mouth, and you lose a lot of power.

So I wouldn't have put myself in that situation in the first place.
And especially not...

  • Kissing at the end of the date is high risk, average rewards: avoid it most of the times

Yes, a passionate kiss at the end of a great date can turn a great date into a woman who's already falling for you.

But if you're having a great date, from great to "very great" the difference is small.

Instead, the risk of going from great to poor after a rejection is a huge backward step.
And it's not that unlikely to happen.

That, in my opinion, makes the kiss at the end of the date an overall poor strategy before you've had sex (things change after sex, needless to say).

  • The boundaries talk: the issue with that discussion is that you talked about boundaries, her boundaries, for a kiss.

Now there are boundaries for a kiss, and then there will boundaries for coming to yours, and boundaries for sex... And she is the one deciding on all those boundaries.

And of course, we know that most of the times it's true that it's the woman who decides on those, but the more you make it explicit, the more power you give away.

In a way, it's good that she wants to see you again. But now all power is on her side.

Can you see what's the subtext communication there?
She is basically saying:

Her: "But I agree to see you again" = You've made it clear that you want me and will pursue me, and I agree to give you another chance

This does not mean that you're doomed, but it means that she's now more firmly in control of the process.
If things happen, they will happen at her pace, and at her fancy.

Attention: this doesn't mean you're doomed!
And it doesn't even mean that your power is gone forever.
After sex, there is a resurgence of power for men, and during the relationship there are countless of opportunities for power-renegotiation. So it's possible to enter a relationship low on power and then eventually completely change those power dynamics.

Still, it's better usually not to give that much power away, also because power and attraction are strongly linked, and women like men high in power.
So it's still much better to date high in power, and to give away as little power as possible.

Addressing the "I'm not that easy" objection / frame

Now, after all that talk, the question still stands: how to address that frame?

I would have probably addressed that "I'm not that easy" frame with a simple:

  1. shaming (shame her for playing games) +
  2. basic reframing (keep it simple) +
  3. ending with collaborative frames (win-win) +
  4. cementing the new, improved frame (try to guess what's coming at the end)

For example:

Her: I'm not that easy
You:
1. Don't say that Why are you saying that, that's silly (shames her for the power move, your tonality and expression say "I'm disappointed, you're better than that shit!").
2. It's not about being "easy", it's about liking each other. (reframing, shows a better and superior way)
3. And I think tonight it showed plenty that we do have a good time together. (collaborative frames)
4. Don't you think so? (invites her agreement: it's always 100x more powerful if she confirms buy-in)

And you can probably guess what comes after that:

You: "I'm glad we agree"

That's a million buck technique that I successfully used countless times.
That's the value-adding lover frame.

And it's also a high-power way of regaining the frame and taking the lead.

 

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Boom. Just another boom. I'm blown away. Seriously. I'm glad I asked you the question. Thanks a lot. I'm going to read this is again. That's what I needed to upgrade my mindset. This is where I was stuck with giving my power away. I was stuck in the same pattern. In the past, when I was on a huge dating momentum, I could get through all of these games through confidence, experience and persistence. But now I really need a mindset upgrade as I'm tired of getting played and I'm rusty, getting back into a dating momentum.

So in this dynamics, how would you regain power in this case? By waiting before writing to her? How do you regain power? By upgrading your mindset and finding another girl? Or do you have any tactics when it's gone too far in her direction as it is currently?

Once more, it's not this particular girl. It's the mindset and skills I'm looking for acquiring. I'm going for the top women so I need top mindset. I upgraded my mindset in relationship to work and stuff so I can do the same for women, I know it.

PS: I found an idea: I'm going to turn it on them: kiss them in the neck at the end of the date and say: "I'm not so easy". Put the frame early on in my mind first that she's trying to get me into bed. When I did that in the past they loved it. I'm going to make THEM wait. I'm going to be the one to delay sex. I'm going to invite them and heat them up, flirt hard and then delay sex. Only giving it as a reward for good behavior.

Hey John,

I would never consider it as gone too far.
It's gone far in her direction, yes, but as long as you're in the game -ie.: she's replying and eventually making plans to see you again-, it' never too far and there is always room for regaining leadership.

In this case, I would approach it normally as you would have approached without the power-swing in her direction.

So contact her again a couple of days later, share some of her day, recall something you talked about, maybe say you hope that whatever she had to do went well, and then ask when she's free to go out again.

 

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hello Lucio,

Makes sense. thank you! I wish you a good day.