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Mindset developmnent: from defensive penny pincher, to "eagle mindset"
BEGINNING: THE FEAR OF PAYING FOR DATES
For quite some time, I have been a cheap tightwad.
But it was only partially about "saving money".
Most of it was instead a defensive mindset about "giving too much and getting back nothing" and "being afraid of being taken advantage of".
To me, having the cheapest possible dates wasn't even a choice, it was a must.
In good part, that was because if a woman didn't want to sleep with me but I paid, that reflected badly on me.
I was being passed up, I had paid for the date, and I came out of it short.
And that hurt me emotionally.
RESULTS OF CHEAP APPROACH
I had a lot of encounters as well as sex with little to no effort or monetary investment.
But that attitude still made me a far poorer dater.
And it certainly made me enjoy dates less, being always on guard for how much it was, what she was going to order, whether we split or not, and whether I was going to bang her or not -the more I'd spend without having sex, the higher the risk of "being taken advantage of"-.
I'm writing this because I see a similar defensive mindset stemming from the general advice of "pay as little as possible".
The advice itself is generally OK, sometimes even great.
But sometimes it can lead to that defensive mindset, which is not good.
THE BALANCE
Of course, I shouldn't even say this, but the answer is not to not care about money, about how much you generally invest, and about how much you're giving and receiving -which would be an equally bad approach, if not worse-.
And I still would advise men to be ruthless when they smell a girl who's out for a free meal.
Being ruthless might include insisting on splitting up the bill, or even walking out.
But the correct approach is to be less defensive about it.
And to make it less about your ego -antifragile ego and detachment apply here as much as to any other realm of life-.
Still keep your dates simple and generally inexpensive, make your calculation, observe, pick red flags... But overall, not biggies, and nothing personal.
As a matter of fact, in many ways, my mindset flipped.
So, how did my mindset change?
THE "YOU CAN ONLY SWINDLE YOURSELF" MINDSET
My mindset is that I really cannot be "swindled" out of a meal or some drinks.
Why?
Because there she is, out with a guy who earned his life freedom, found a way to earn doing what he loves doing, and who revolutionized his mindset.... And instead of thinking about what you can learn from him, you're thinking about getting away with a meal?
That's a self-swindle.
The parable of the "giving a fish VS learning how to fish" springs to mind.
The "earning a free meal" is such a small-timer mindset that the worst thing you can do to her is to give her that fish, and walk away.
Or, if you prefer, we can go back to the turkeys and eagles.
The meal freeloader mindset is a turkey-scratching mindset and behavior.
And the eagle mindset flies at a level that is not usually bothered by the turkeys.
This world, including the pleasure of this world, belongs to the eagles.
Because there she is, out with a guy who earned his life freedom, found a way to earn doing what he loves doing, and who revolutionized his mindset.... And instead of thinking about what you can learn from him, you're thinking about getting away with a meal?
So true Luccio, in my case I have studied some topics that, as power dynamics, we can consider life changers and even life or death deciders, so just because I put the time and effort to learn about that, I can feel kind of sorry for people who are not even clever enough to try to be in my good graces even if they would only do it to have acces to some of the information I have distilled.
they are really footing themselves in the foot for some (in comparisson to what they can learn) cheap food...
Quote from Stef on February 23, 2021, 2:51 aathey are really shooting themselves in the foot for some (in comparisson to what they can learn) cheap food...
Absolutely.
The other issues with an overly-defensive mindset is that, as for most overly-defensive mindset:
- Comes at a cost to you
- Comes at a cost to you and everyone who mistakenly triggers your over-sensitive defenses
Such as, when you are overly-defensive, you will inevitably be over-suspicious of people, and while that can be a good thing in some situations, it's not good in dating.
You lose out on personal enjoyment, and you're generally less natural and carefree.
For example, I remember once sitting with a woman who hadn't had food, and when she ordered some I thought "damn, red flag, is she trying to get extra food out of me?".
Then, when I proposed to leave, she offered and insisted to pay for everything since "I'd just taken a drink and she got food".
There she was, a super cool lady, and I had sat for 45 minutes thinking how I was gonna drop her right away if she was going to pull a "silent game" when the bill came.
That attitude actively made our time together worse off.
All that, for what?
To "protect" against a tiny percentage of low-quality women who scrounge for a meal?
Nonsense!
That's allowing the turkeys to drag you down.
Resonate a lot with this Lucio.
I found this thread to be very insightful.
I do realise my tendencies on this when it comes to money as well.
Then I also realised that I have a defensive mindset when it comes to time-pinching/minute-pinching.
If someone is late, I would think that this person is out to squeeze my time.
Even if the person is 5 minutes late.
Then, I would come out with ways to prevent a late person to take advantage of me.
Like doing work at the cafe opposite so that I can turn up at the same time as the person.
It doesn't make sense from personal productivity because I can do my work at the agreed cafe while waiting for the person.
I realised that it's defensive because I had good conversations with people who were late.
They were caught in unexpected traffic for example.
Sometimes I was the person who ruined the conversation because I was too on guard.
The mindset here would be similar.
If someone is out to squeeze 5 minutes of your time here and there, that isn't really a person you want to hang around.
If someone is an overall value-adder but has late tendencies, I would address this more assertively.
Though I always smile when I meet a person at the intended place 5-10 minutes earlier than the intended time.
Especially so on the first meeting.
Yes, Matthew, very similar indeed.
Slightly different setting, but same mindset and approach, and same potential downsides of defensive mindset (= being overly on guard and labeling a general value-adding person as a value-taker before you have enough information to do so).
