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My girlfriends mother is a master manipulator and master at weilding soft power

#1 · February 26, 2020, 1:29 pm

Quote from Guest on February 26, 2020, 1:29 pm
Hi, my girlfriends mother puts me in her frames and I Fell for it multiple times because I didn't know much about power dynamics. She used to express her Dissapointment and criticize me for various face value things) *not real deep reasons* to the point where her judging powers always manipulated me to change my behavior for her acceptance and all the other shit that comes with falling into the reward and punishment traps from her and her judging powers she gained over me. It got so bad once that I had so much stress and anxiety that the next day my legs were aching of alot of pain because my leg muscles clenched and tightened because of the stress I experienced with what she was saying. She now dislikes me for to be her daughters boyfriend and would rather want someone else for her. So she constantly uses power dynamics, she uses me as her errand boy to get stuff done for her all the time and I did so thinking I couldnt reject otherwise my girlfriend wouldn't be happy and her mother wouldn't accept me, she would tell that she's leaving for a trip and that she wants me to look after her house and wanted me to come to her house everyday for 30 days but I declined because I had studies, she would always use me to do her errands after I was done hanging out with my girlfriend, she would take me to the bank she would tell me to call uber for us, she would tell me to go get some bakery items from the bakery while she would be sitting in the car, she would tell me to bring the suitcases from her room and put them in the downstairs room after me and my girlfriend were done hanging out, and my girlfriend is a victim of this herself, her mother abused her alot when I heard stories I was horrified, but my girlfriend loves her to death and would cut people for even addressing her in the not most respectful way possible like she was a God to be respected and addressed with such politeness to gain her acceptance. How do I deal with her? And now she constantly feeds my girlfriend information about how she should be with someone else, and this shit slowly is programing my girlfriends subconscious mind and is evolving her belief system about me, what do I do?

Hi, my girlfriends mother puts me in her frames and I Fell for it multiple times because I didn't know much about power dynamics. She used to express her Dissapointment and criticize me for various face value things) *not real deep reasons* to the point where her judging powers always manipulated me to change my behavior for her acceptance and all the other shit that comes with falling into the reward and punishment traps from her and her judging powers she gained over me. It got so bad once that I had so much stress and anxiety that the next day my legs were aching of alot of pain because my leg muscles clenched and tightened because of the stress I experienced with what she was saying. She now dislikes me for to be her daughters boyfriend and would rather want someone else for her. So she constantly uses power dynamics, she uses me as her errand boy to get stuff done for her all the time and I did so thinking I couldnt reject otherwise my girlfriend wouldn't be happy and her mother wouldn't accept me, she would tell that she's leaving for a trip and that she wants me to look after her house and wanted me to come to her house everyday for 30 days but I declined because I had studies, she would always use me to do her errands after I was done hanging out with my girlfriend, she would take me to the bank she would tell me to call uber for us, she would tell me to go get some bakery items from the bakery while she would be sitting in the car, she would tell me to bring the suitcases from her room and put them in the downstairs room after me and my girlfriend were done hanging out, and my girlfriend is a victim of this herself, her mother abused her alot when I heard stories I was horrified, but my girlfriend loves her to death and would cut people for even addressing her in the not most respectful way possible like she was a God to be respected and addressed with such politeness to gain her acceptance. How do I deal with her? And now she constantly feeds my girlfriend information about how she should be with someone else, and this shit slowly is programing my girlfriends subconscious mind and is evolving her belief system about me, what do I do?

#2 · February 26, 2020, 1:36 pm

Also by the way I just turned 19, so this shit is happening to me at this age. Also I think she was making me do all these errands to make me sick and tired of hanging out eith my girlfriend, even when I would be hanging out with her and driving around the city she would call my girlfriends and make her do errands with me for her. She knows that I love my girlfriend very much, do you think she was trying to draw a wedge between us? She did this with her family too, my girlfriends mother drew a wedge between her husband and her daughters ( one of my girlfriend) programming them to tell daddy to go away or that he's not welcome in this house and program their subconscious mind in all kinds of ways to draw a wedge between them. Is she a sociopath? She always beat her mother when she was young, she beat my girlfriend so bad once that she was hospitalized for surgery and that was when she was a kid... Far Less than 10 year old, and her dad was working elsewhere so he sent money for her surgery and her mother spent it on shopping so it was her uncle who repayed for surgery and got surgery done, she told the doctors that she had some sort of accident. What is your analysis Lucio? I need big help

#3 · February 27, 2020, 2:15 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 27, 2020, 2:15 am
Quote from Guest on February 26, 2020, 1:36 pm
Is she a sociopath?
There is a rule in psychology called the "Goldwater rule", which says you can't diagnose people without meeting them in person.
But this person you are describing definitely sounds like a sociopath.
And might have some other issues as well.
On your situation, I'd ask you the following questions:
How much do you care / love this girl
Are you aware of the costs of staying in that relationship?
You might be too young to consider these things, which is exactly why you should think about them even more.
And by walking into that household you might be walking into a huge mess.
Dealing with her from a power position would require an internal confidence, strength and frame control which I'm not sure you'd be able to muster as of now.
That's why my advice now would be to avoid her as much as possible.
In the future, if you want to stay in this relationship, you might want to probably have your GF choose who to be closer to.
If you are close to the girl, you also have a lot of leverage to pull her away from her mother's orbit. But it might be painful for her, so it should be done slowly.
The goal should be to, little by little, make her realize that her mother is pathological and she's not a person one can be close to.
Again, that would require a level of tact and skills that I'm not sure you could muster at your age.
So my advice for now would be much simpler:
Reconsider your relationship, if you want to stay in it or not
Consider to force a decision from your GF: hanging out just the two of you, or you can't be in a relationship with her
If you decide to stay and it's not possible to cut all contact with the mother, spend as little time as possible with that woman
When you spend time with the mother, show strength but try to do so without directly antagonizing her (if you antagonize it will give her an easy way to escalate, point finger at you, and then manipulate her daughter when you're not there. She'd point at your behavior and say "see? that guy hates me, he always attacks me like an angry dog, he will abuse you too very soon", or some BS like that)
For example, if she criticizes you without a real reason, you can tell her that she's being harsh and that you cannot accept that tone.
Then stick to your guns.
Even if it ends up ruining the interaction for the day, it will send a strong message that you are not to be bullied and placed under her "judge's yoke".
Edit: On Tasking
About the "tasking", like when she asks you to do things, that's not cool, but it mostly depends on how she asks.
You can ascribe that to age difference, and her treating you like a mom. It's not the best behavior, but if she were to ask kindly and thank you when you do it, it would almost be OK.
The carrying the luggage thing, if she asked kindly, you can see that as a "let the man of the house do the heavy lifting".
All the rest on criticizing, keeping you on thin ice, judging, and meddling in your relationship, that's all much worse.

Quote from Guest on February 26, 2020, 1:36 pm
Is she a sociopath?

There is a rule in psychology called the "Goldwater rule", which says you can't diagnose people without meeting them in person.

But this person you are describing definitely sounds like a sociopath.
And might have some other issues as well.

On your situation, I'd ask you the following questions:

How much do you care / love this girl
Are you aware of the costs of staying in that relationship?

You might be too young to consider these things, which is exactly why you should think about them even more.
And by walking into that household you might be walking into a huge mess.

Dealing with her from a power position would require an internal confidence, strength and frame control which I'm not sure you'd be able to muster as of now.
That's why my advice now would be to avoid her as much as possible.

In the future, if you want to stay in this relationship, you might want to probably have your GF choose who to be closer to.
If you are close to the girl, you also have a lot of leverage to pull her away from her mother's orbit. But it might be painful for her, so it should be done slowly.
The goal should be to, little by little, make her realize that her mother is pathological and she's not a person one can be close to.

Again, that would require a level of tact and skills that I'm not sure you could muster at your age.
So my advice for now would be much simpler:

Reconsider your relationship, if you want to stay in it or not
Consider to force a decision from your GF: hanging out just the two of you, or you can't be in a relationship with her
If you decide to stay and it's not possible to cut all contact with the mother, spend as little time as possible with that woman
When you spend time with the mother, show strength but try to do so without directly antagonizing her (if you antagonize it will give her an easy way to escalate, point finger at you, and then manipulate her daughter when you're not there. She'd point at your behavior and say "see? that guy hates me, he always attacks me like an angry dog, he will abuse you too very soon", or some BS like that)

For example, if she criticizes you without a real reason, you can tell her that she's being harsh and that you cannot accept that tone.
Then stick to your guns.
Even if it ends up ruining the interaction for the day, it will send a strong message that you are not to be bullied and placed under her "judge's yoke".

Edit: On Tasking

About the "tasking", like when she asks you to do things, that's not cool, but it mostly depends on how she asks.
You can ascribe that to age difference, and her treating you like a mom. It's not the best behavior, but if she were to ask kindly and thank you when you do it, it would almost be OK.
The carrying the luggage thing, if she asked kindly, you can see that as a "let the man of the house do the heavy lifting".

All the rest on criticizing, keeping you on thin ice, judging, and meddling in your relationship, that's all much worse.

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#4 · February 27, 2020, 5:01 am

On the positive side:

Great awareness of power dynamics, man!

You read that article on soft power and correctly applied to your situation to diagnose what's going on.
Beyond the specifics of this situation, that's a huge step forward in your self-development and personal empowerment.

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#5 · February 27, 2020, 11:50 am

Thanks man! Will update on this post.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#6 · February 27, 2020, 12:11 pm

Quote from Guest on February 27, 2020, 12:11 pm
Lucio one of the craziest things is that she told me that her mother got so mad one time in the car that she went on an absolute insane rage and my girlfriend has been through hell so the weight of her words are very very high and everything she says is literally everything she means, I've seen it in action every single time. I have a bad tempered father myself and he gets off the handle fast and hard but an insane rage? I cant Visualize that and feel the horror and fear of that, but when I actually heard what she said afterwards I was horrified. Her mother was in an absolute rage and she was banging her hands on the steering wheel and she was driving on the motorway and she told my her daughter (my girlfriend) that if she really was her daughter she should jump out of the car right now and do it while driving on the motorway and she kept saying that, and her brother was sitting in the back and her mother was saying forget your sister, it's just you and me against the world (saying to her son). My girlfriend is extremely loyal and extremely mature and smart and has been through hell and Lucio believe me when I tell you that she is the highest quality woman I have ever met in my entire life and she could have turned out fucked up but she didn't, she chose to blossom and it's truly remarkable considering her horrifying past that has been curtained by her familys riches. And she literally is very loyal very close very much strong confident emotionally and socially Intelligent and an amazing daughter, she would die for her mother. But this time after this incident, she told me that I want to be independent so I never see her again, she will cut contact with her and that wants me to also (can you believe it? Me? (The person who she demanded that I addressed her mother with absolute and top respect and politeness) and that she will move away and be Independant herself. She even said she will go on a tedtalk and talk about childhood physical and emotional abuse, and guess what... After that conversation, there was never any follow up after thid had happened.... As if everything was fine and she never ever followed up on this or discussed this ever again.... And weeks went by and she told me...its okay this stuff happens in family and she even posted stuff of her mother taking her on an insane shopping spree buying her fuck load of everything she wanted? Can you believe this? And now everything is back to normal with her and her mother but still subtly and between the lines, it really isn't. She is very very hurt about the phsycial battering her and her sisters faced when she was a child and the emotional abuse she faces from her mother still today but she absolutely forgets it and adores and loves her. Crazy man

Lucio one of the craziest things is that she told me that her mother got so mad one time in the car that she went on an absolute insane rage and my girlfriend has been through hell so the weight of her words are very very high and everything she says is literally everything she means, I've seen it in action every single time. I have a bad tempered father myself and he gets off the handle fast and hard but an insane rage? I cant Visualize that and feel the horror and fear of that, but when I actually heard what she said afterwards I was horrified. Her mother was in an absolute rage and she was banging her hands on the steering wheel and she was driving on the motorway and she told my her daughter (my girlfriend) that if she really was her daughter she should jump out of the car right now and do it while driving on the motorway and she kept saying that, and her brother was sitting in the back and her mother was saying forget your sister, it's just you and me against the world (saying to her son). My girlfriend is extremely loyal and extremely mature and smart and has been through hell and Lucio believe me when I tell you that she is the highest quality woman I have ever met in my entire life and she could have turned out fucked up but she didn't, she chose to blossom and it's truly remarkable considering her horrifying past that has been curtained by her familys riches. And she literally is very loyal very close very much strong confident emotionally and socially Intelligent and an amazing daughter, she would die for her mother. But this time after this incident, she told me that I want to be independent so I never see her again, she will cut contact with her and that wants me to also (can you believe it? Me? (The person who she demanded that I addressed her mother with absolute and top respect and politeness) and that she will move away and be Independant herself. She even said she will go on a tedtalk and talk about childhood physical and emotional abuse, and guess what... After that conversation, there was never any follow up after thid had happened.... As if everything was fine and she never ever followed up on this or discussed this ever again.... And weeks went by and she told me...its okay this stuff happens in family and she even posted stuff of her mother taking her on an insane shopping spree buying her fuck load of everything she wanted? Can you believe this? And now everything is back to normal with her and her mother but still subtly and between the lines, it really isn't. She is very very hurt about the phsycial battering her and her sisters faced when she was a child and the emotional abuse she faces from her mother still today but she absolutely forgets it and adores and loves her. Crazy man