Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
My journey to assertiveness
I think the disagreement is based on the fact that we operate from a different frame.
To me assertion is a communication tool to meet your emotional needs. You respect yourself by allowing yourself to speak up. This means that you deem your self-worth and self-respect more important than the relationship. It means you’re willing to risk it for your self-esteem. That’s why it’s self-esteem building. It means: “I’m willing to deal with the consequences of expressing my needs. What you do with it is YOUR problem. I dealt with my responsibility in the relationship by letting you know that I feel hurt by your behavior.” Also it means you’re respecting the relationship by injecting truth in it.
A very valuable information that I got by speaking up is also how he felt about the situation. Instead of brewing in my mind.
Honesty’s mothertongue is Assertion.
Agreed, great message.
So two important questions are:
- How emotionally involved you are: the more you, the more you'd be stewing, the more important it is to speak up
- How important the relationship is: the less important it becomes to you, the more it makes sense to fade away
Plus, there is the social effectiveness and strategizing point of view I mentioned before.
Assertiveness in some cases risks making someone resent you, especially the high-power, value-taking, and passive-aggressive types. And in some cases, that is also your issue, not just theirs, since alliances or more or less covert enemies do impact you.
In any case, for this specific case, if you felt you did good to call it out, chances are it was the right call.
You were in the situation John, so you know much better about the context, how you felt, and what was good for you.
So well done to you for having the chutzpah of confronting this covert aggressor.
I agree 100%. I’m enjoying this conversation: it’s helpful for me to understand myself and assertion.
It’s true that I felt hurt (emotional involvement) because of the trust I had given him. I had allowed him to hurt me. As I posted in another thread, I’m now taking this right away from him.
That’s a mistake I’ve done many times: to let somebody who’s not worth my consideration to hurt me. It’s something I’m currently undoing in my life. To take more time before letting somebody get close to me emotionally, friends, colleagues, lovers.
Thank you for being frank, I agree with you about the strategical part. That’s the downside. I’ll think about it. That is also one of the reasons I like so much the Netherlands it’s because assertion is expected in their culture. That’s the normal way to express oneself. That’s why they’re called “direct”.
There’s definitely a middle ground and I’ll do my best not to burn bridges as I did in the past.
Assertion is also a power move in a way. I agree that we cannot always be assertive with people more powerful than us. That is why with this friend it also shows an increase of power in my side. It sub-communicates: “we’re equals”. A few months ago, I had not as many friends as I have now. So now I can take this risk. I’m not in scarcity anymore.
Assertion is my new passion. Then mix it with political and social intelligence. Voila!
Exactly, if you can manage to remain more detached -got this one from- with "less worthy individual", so to speak, then you also give them less power, and give yourself more options.
A few close friends and lots of "people you know", even including those whom you don't exactly love, is better than a few close friends and a lot of people who resent you -even if they resent you because you showed them for how much higher quality you are, the effect is still not too different-.
To go back to the same example I was making of that proud value-taker, he was also the guy who introduced me to the soap-opera producers, an experience I would have never had in my life if I had assertively confronted him.
These power-craving value takers often reach a good level in society and/or have good connections because they like power, so they sometimes do get some of it.
In PU I mention having many boxes for people, so that one avoids falling for the "good guy" OR "POS" dichotomy. There is lots of grey areas in between that can either be "good enough" as friends (when they're close enough to the "good guy"), or add some value to your life, even though you might never want to close to you (when they're more to the dark shades).
This ties back to Machiavellianism as well, since you can strategically keep some high-value "darker-shade guys" close because of the benefits they can provide.
About the culture, totally agree with you.
Some cultures are more direct, the Netherlands being one of them -Germany as well, so if you haven't decided yet, it's still a good option :)-.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 18, 2020, 7:47 pmAbout the culture, totally agree with you.
Some cultures are more direct, the Netherlands being one of them -Germany as well, so if you haven't decided yet, it's still a good option :)-.
Hahaha on this one!
Otherwise, great comments, thanks. I learned a lot. Yes, that gives me a new vision for my social life. I'm going to be that guy. I will not create resentment anymore.
Quote from John Freeman on November 18, 2020, 4:58 amIt's actually me who got them together at a bar where they could explain themselves a few months ago. And now they get along again.
This is a great thing to do, to connect people.
It adds real value.
Which also makes it something you might want to be strategic with whom you do it, and with whom not.
Personally, I approach socialization with what I'd call a "pro-social Machiavellian" stance. And that is to add value to deserving people, and making sure I do not empower those whom I deem undeserving.
With people I deem as underserving of holding more power in life, I give in a way that is power-neutral (or negative). Things like buying rounds, joking around, complimenting them, give platitude-like advice, introducing other average folks, etc.
These things give in a way that keeps the relationship kind of balanced and alive. But not in a way that increases their power and leverage.
Connecting people with value-adding folks, attractive life partners, really good advice, fixing their formerly broken relationships... These are all empowering things to do. And I actively avoid doing them with the folks whom I deem as undeserving and/or value-taking.
These are all empowering things to do. And I actively avoid doing them.
you mean "With people I deem as underserving of holding more power in life"
With value adding people you do not avoid doing that.
I like that philosophy
Quote from Stef on November 19, 2020, 8:39 amThese are all empowering things to do. And I actively avoid doing them.
you mean "With people I deem as underserving of holding more power in life"
With value adding people you do not avoid doing that.
I like that philosophy
Exactly, thank you for the important clarification, fixed it now.
There are some high-competition situations, like for example at work, when one can expand or contract this approach depending on the person and/or situation.
So for example, if you consider someone an OK dude, but he's your competition for the next promotion, then it's fair to apply the same approach because, at the end of the day, it's either you or him (and nobody says you aren't going to do an equal or better job than he will once you're higher up).
But the overall strategy is still the same.
Key concept! Deserves to be in PU I think. I might comment more on it later. Thanks!
A victory I'd like to share with you.
Yesterday, one of the nurses tried to pull a "you don't know what you're talking about"during a meeting to frame me as the fresh newbie. However, she did a mistake as she misinterpreted my words. So I used the:
"Yes, that is what I just said" and said whatever I said that she misinterpreted. She was dumbstruck.
If you remember well Lucio, there was this supervisor who tried to make me look wrong. And you advised me to use the "Yes, that is what I just said". It's powerful. I was happy to apply these new skills and come out on top. She's a game player so I could see that by deliberate practice in social skills I can beat experience game players.
So thank you!
