Former Community – We Moved
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My Journey to Love
(and thank you for understanding my commitment to the mission, it's exactly that).
Today I feel happy. Not only for the recent exchange with Power Duck (and it’s an honour again) but also because of my choice.
I’m very very happy to have broke up with her. Yes messy break up. But not only my life is better now (it was causing me stress and pressure) but also because now I can get back on my quest to find my wife. It was a stop on the inn on my way to the treasure: welcomed full of lesson but just a short break. Or when Odysseus gets with Circe. She’s a witch she’s sexy but he longs and strives for Penelope. Hero’s journey always.
On my strategy: listening to the book « the book of numbers » (yep guessed it highly recommended). I understand odds are even less in my Favour than I thought. I won’t spoil the book. So as Lucio said: numbers and/or moving. Both in my hands.
Numbers: I increased the range of the app (thought about posting in my dating app process but makes more sense here, if successful I’ll post it there as well probably) to the max to 200km. As said odds of finding a « good » woman (no red flags as per the books and my own) is very low. Then on top of it I appeal to a niche. So logically I have to increase my pool. I’m looking for a pearl in the ocean. So looking for the pearl in front of the harbour only makes no sense.
Moving: now that I realized my friends are not as close as I thought and my family is my family but my fulfillment is priority. So no obstacles here. Regarding money I changed my mind so no obstacle here. I deprioritize it. Finding the right partner is way more important to me. It always was but I was attached to the idea that I worked so hard so I deserved good money (still true but not helpful regarding this). I love Switzerland’s lakes and forests but I can find great nature elsewhere. So the last thing is the language. Speaking in one’s own language is something I learned to value a lot. We’ll see this is where I’m at currently.
Otherwise regarding moving I changed my strategy: I put the dating app where there is my type (Norway) and will fly to meet her.
Bigger dating pool + where there is my type = optimization. There's the distance but one gotta do what he gotta do.
I knew she was going to reach out to me I did not know how. I knew that she was going to be manipulative about it.
She sent me 2 emails (double send, twice the same?!) today. I just saw that there was an image attached called "olive branch" as she heard me use the term. So here's the manipulation as it's a double-bind, her specialty):
- I open it: I get dragged in the drama/craziness again and feels very disagreeable emotions, with some guilt-tripping attached to this poisoned gift.
- I delete it: I'm a bad person because I don't accept an olive branch
Of course I deleted it without reading. I don't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. Even just seeing her name made me go "Blargh".
She uses this kind of double-bind as it's actually a very good manipulation. Most of us don't want to feel bad or to have the bad person identity. So we prefer to take the other choice that is offered than risking "feeling bad/shameful" or accepting the "bad person identity". A common tactic from manipulators.
Looking back, she really had a lot of manipulative techniques:
- Love bombing
- Shaming
- Guilt-tripping
- Double-binds
- Trap/Leading questions
- Gaslighting
That's her main arsenal for reference. I'm also suspecting that some things she told me she invented them and/or framed them differently that it happened. So I actually have zero trust in this person anymore.
I cannot believe it took me 2-3 months to find out she was a manipulator. I think I should have trusted my feelings: she felt very "2D" to me. There was a shallowness to the quality of her presence. Like an empty person almost. Not a strong presence at all. Rather weak. That and the red flags: I'll do better next time.
Yeah we often ignore when it is a bit off. The power of hope. Very normal.
Right. Thanks.
On using dating apps to find suitable dating market
Regarding my dating app strategy. I was wrong. Using "travel mode" I was doing 2 things:
- Looking fo market where I find enough attractive women for my tastes
- Looking for markets where I'm a coveted commodity: easier
Well, these are 2 different strategies. So one much choose one or the other. That means that easier one:
- Choose a market where he wants to go, regardless of his chances: accepts it's going to be harder
- Choose a market where he has more chances: going to be easier but it might not be his "type" (if he has one)
So it's a matter of quality vs quantity. I choose quality.
Norway as a dating market
Regarding Norway as a market (an option. Advantage: honesty and authenticity seems like a norm there which I share. They also love nature. Disadvantages: the cold and high introversion).
I think it's a good market for men. Talking about Oslo. In this video she says that there are many beautiful people (I know!). Also that it's men who cheat the most. And that there are more beautiful women than men. So Norway falls in the same category of countries such as Poland, Ukraine, Hungary (for instance) where there is a high percentage of beautiful women. So this favours men as the beautiful woman don't have such an advantage compared as to say Switzerland.
If you're a beautiful woman in Switzerland, easy mode. If you're a beautiful woman in Hungary, well there are many other like you.
So a dating market with many beautiful women puts selective pressure on women rather than men. Competition is harder. And the high cheating proportion from men (which I totally believe is the case) shows that men are not afraid to not find a partner since they're willing to take the risk to lose one.
All of this to say that despite the introversion, I think Oslo is a good dating market for men due to the high percentage of beautiful women giving men more choice and therefore lowering the intra-male competition (not 100 men for 1 beautiful woman, but 10 men for 1). Therefore giving men more power. That could also be explained through the rise in feminism. Either as a cause of the sexual behaviours from women (no more/less shame for sleeping around). So actually feminism is probably helping men to sleep around as we talked.
It could also be that feminism is a response to the high cheating. Empowering women professionally and financially since relationships/house wife is not an attractive option since men commit less due to the market being favourable to them.
As usual, happy to read if you guys have any comment on this.
Why there is so much cheating in Norway?
Men or women cheat more in Norway?
Was in Zurich today: so many beautiful women!
So it's like Amsterdam, etc. Very different from where I live. Of course there are average and pretty girls but on average much higher numbers of beautiful women.
My friend confirmed. He's living there since 3 years.
So that's another additional option compared to Norway, Australia, etc.
I cannot believe I did not see this before. And Zurich is a cool city. I could see myself living there. It has a river and a lake and nature around. The language I could do.
Yes the competition will be higher (finance guys) but I got a few tricks under my sleeve and the exotic factor. Now it's up to me to upgrade.
Also I'm sure there's plenty of women who are over the finance fuckboy. So opportunities everywhere.
Quote from John Freeman on January 19, 2024, 11:29 amI knew she was going to reach out to me I did not know how. I knew that she was going to be manipulative about it.
She sent me 2 emails (double send, twice the same?!) today. I just saw that there was an image attached called "olive branch" as she heard me use the term. So here's the manipulation as it's a double-bind, her specialty):
- I open it: I get dragged in the drama/craziness again and feels very disagreeable emotions, with some guilt-tripping attached to this poisoned gift.
- I delete it: I'm a bad person because I don't accept an olive branch
Of course I deleted it without reading. I don't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. Even just seeing her name made me go "Blargh".
She uses this kind of double-bind as it's actually a very good manipulation. Most of us don't want to feel bad or to have the bad person identity. So we prefer to take the other choice that is offered than risking "feeling bad/shameful" or accepting the "bad person identity". A common tactic from manipulators.
Looking back, she really had a lot of manipulative techniques:
- Love bombing
- Shaming
- Guilt-tripping
- Double-binds
- Trap/Leading questions
- Gaslighting
That's her main arsenal for reference. I'm also suspecting that some things she told me she invented them and/or framed them differently that it happened. So I actually have zero trust in this person anymore.
I cannot believe it took me 2-3 months to find out she was a manipulator. I think I should have trusted my feelings: she felt very "2D" to me. There was a shallowness to the quality of her presence. Like an empty person almost. Not a strong presence at all. Rather weak. That and the red flags: I'll do better next time.
That's what happens when you become a higher value guy.
People realize what they lost, and then go into overdrive to get it back.
Then, especially if certain personalities, you can get calls with cries, sobs, and promises of change.
It's a very high power moment to field your demands for change.
And any situation is different of course so one can't generalize.
But probably, more often than not, it's better not to go back.
Thank you Lucio, I understand it now (thanks to your message that corroborates my experience).
When I told her I did not like when she was doing this or that she immediately changed. Apart from the manipulative part which is too deep in her (she does need therapy to heal that).
Regarding going back, no way I'm going back:
- Too many red flags
- I have abundance
- She's not my (exact) physical type
Thanks :)
I came her to say:
This morning everything is clear to me.
Age: since I'm 43 and time is not in my favour now (even if I look 10 years younger). So I was stressed with becoming too old and lose too much SMV. Not afraid anymore. My quest, regardless of my age is to find my wife.
I now understand that the next step for me is a large city (1 million people or more). It's a win-win for my profession and my dating life. Friends I can make new ones. It will be the end of a period of my life with those friends. I'll be grateful but priorities. Tough choice.
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. - Andre Gide
Now my social skills and power dynamics skills are high enough so I can go in the big cities. I mean the game is anotll her level there. In terms of competition at work, social life and dating life. More high value high quality high power people. It's all good, I'll fit right in now thanks to PU and TPM.
So as for my plan, I'll explore big cities and make a final choice so in 1 year I'm moving from my current city. By order of preference/comfort. Options:
- Melbourne: will go in 1 month. So this will be done.
- Zurich: closer to family, I know a bit of german. Will have to master german and learn Swiss german. I failed at this at Winterthur 5 years ago so now I know how to do it. I must at least speak and write german well before moving. Then I can learn Swiss german from Zürich on the spot. Once I choose the city I come up with the plan to learn the language. In Zurich you earn significantly more than in other parts of the country but it's the most expensive city in the World. The mentality I don't know.
- Oslo: love the mentality
- Stockholm: people are a bit more stuck up and reserved than Oslo
- Copenhagen: love the mentality, people are more extroverted than norwegian, think dutch. Also on drugs, etc. I don't care about drugs. It shows more than they are more liberal
- Montreal: when I was there in Summer a few years ago I've seen some of the most beautiful women I've seen in my life. I already know the language.
Amsterdam: I won't visit it I've done it several times already. I think it's the most beautiful city in the World. However, there is so much stigma attached to it that if you go there for work then I'll have to justify my whole career that I did not go there for weed. My profession is quite conservative. Even if I say this, people will think "yeah yeah" and I'll be considered a pothead. The only solution would be to go there and not smoke at all so I can say: "I don't smoke", but I do maybe even if very rarely.
Auckland: I mean, NZ is one of the most gorgeous place I've ever been. Lots of pretty women. But it's very remote and I've not been more impressed than that with the ladies. I have a close friend living in Wellington so that would be good. But I'm afraid I'll keep NZ as a holiday destination.
So this is my final list. Not a list of countries but a list of cities.
Timeline
- Melbourne: will go in 1 month.
- Zurich: my friend lives there so I can go during week-ends. He told me that in Summer your eyes explode at the beach on the river with so many beautiful women. Women love resources. Zurich is the richest city I've been to so far. So when beautiful expats are looking for a city in CH, they will choose Geneva or Zurich. (Never been to Dubai, etc.). It's like Switzerland in Switzerland. Another level of wealth. I even joked with my friend that when got back to my appartment I was "back to the poors". Striking.
- Oslo: 1 week in Summer
- Stockholm: 1 week in summer
- Copenhagen: 1 week in summer
- Montreal: 1 week in summer
The issue is that I have 5 weeks of holiday yearly. I'll figure it out. But now I have a plan and I'll be moving in May 2025 (45!!! (hard to change my mindset around age)) to a larger city. I said it I'll do it. I made my choice now. Not going back. There will be challenges but I'm ok. It's worth it professionally and for my love life.
As you see Lucio, it took me a lot of time to figure this out. I did not have enough stability professionally to move earlier. But now with 2 years as an attending physicians and my degree it will be much easier. Pediatricians are quite in demand (I looked up the ads in Zurich). So it's in my hands now.
Without over-intellectualization, I still need a grid of analysis to sort out which city. This is easy. I won't need it to make a choice as I do it depending how I feel about the place but still it's useful.
I knew a couple years back that I lived 20 years in my current city. It's now time for a change. I don't see myself living there until retirement anyway. I prefer the adventure than the safety of familiarity and comfort. I became a bit of a hobbit (for my standards) in the past few years but at heart I'm not.
Edit: so now I have a reason to save money. For the move.
