Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
My Journey to Love
Thank you so much for your answer Transitioned!
I’ll answer when I get my energy back.
For scientific purposes: I’m back to my hometown and the 1 match a day. To prove the dating market thing is not a fluke.
Thank you Transitioned for your golden post!
Quote from Transitioned on November 12, 2023, 9:12 pmBeing a somewhat nerdy guy always think of woman is having a bigger ROM. They are programmed with the behaviours required to produce the next generation and keep us evolving.
So think of this as the mandatory requirement.
Then the relationship is what you can build together 'the bubble' of team us. A RPG guy should be good at world building.
Now you ve sorted out your app game and found the macro buckets to fish in there are micro buckets too.
Yeah getting there slowly but yes the buckets are important. Among my French friends one of them is on board with this idea. Another one is quite resistant (as he is with most ideas I share. I'm saying that because it's quite important to have friends that either enrich your Worldview through contradiction or confirms it. Just negating it is actually preventing the friends sharing novel or tentative ideas from growing. So now I found it's important not to spend too much time with people with limited ideas who are not open to changing their mind.
I like nurses and eventually settled down with one. I found the big nurse training centres in the countryside. Messaged girls from that area. A typical date was they would invite me over to their place cook for split a bottle of wine and we would do the deed. Why was it so easy? Gossip in a country town. They wanted sex but with a ghost.
So we're on the same page. I personally look for artists (musician for instance) so it's food for thoughts.
Unfortunately I also lost a decade of my life with my unhealthy obsession for mad arts chicks. So I had two buckets. Every year I used to go to the mind body spirit convention with the hottest female friend I could find. Every guy there was either gay or dragged there by gf.
New aged meetup groups same.
Hang out in a suit with a lappie and swanky man bag in the cafe where they hold disney on ice. Endless buffet of single moms. You trap the trapper. Provider sex without the providing.
That's golden in my opinion.
I m not a pretty boy but never went without because I was always playing with a stacked deck.
Wouldnt string along a girl who I didn't think I could have a relationship with unless I d made it clear it was a fling while travelling etc. Remember it's men who are romantic not women. Women have a ruthlessly efficient mating strategy honed by evolution. And I ve had many LTRs so what they were playing for was always on the table.
Yeah, that's one of my challenge regarding my own conscience. I don't string along either. However, I'm in a catch 22: in the case I see early on that I would not like to stay in long term with a girl I saw on a couple of dates, either:
- I tell her I'm not looking for long term (with her) early on --> No sex
- I tell nothing --> possibility of sex
So basically, there are so few women that I match with that I'm attracted to that adding the "short-term" criterion would just get me to zero.
So I think in the grey area, it's about a change of mindset: "as long as I'm not lying it's fine". I think it was Lucio who said: it's up to her to bring up the relationship topic. And when she does I can say what I feel. So yeah, I don't want to hurt anyone and at the same time, if I'm waiting for the one I'm looking for then in between it's no sex.
I could also try to tell her early on but the risk of losing her is important. And again in the presence of not many options, I won't take this risk. Also, it's frankly impossible to decide if I want a LTR with a woman I don't know better. So in my opinion, sex and intimacy are necessary to make one's own opinion about this.
Yep try buy is a real thing. I learnt not to take it too seriously. Inside the 3 months or 10 dates threshold fairly hard to hurt a woman as they haven't attached. It's after that shit gets real.
Thanks Transitioned, your advice is rather helpful.
The 3 months threshold is more or less corresponds to my experience.
Ok I got my answer regarding the girl: she has many qualities. But she still carries childhood trauma and does not acknowledge it and is not interested in a therapist. One of my criteria is good self-esteem and good mental health. So she's a pass. I'll have a relationship with her but not too close. She's already sucking my energy: after work 1 hour phone call where she tells me all about her horrible parents. BUT they're not manipulators (allegedly) and she's not interested in a therapist. Well I'm not going to be yours.
I told her that all that what she was telling me is usually what people say to their therapist. She's not aware since she has defence mechanisms in place right now. So it's part of her unknowable the abuse she's been subjected to.
I'll keep looking.
Reminded me of this scene:
Should probably watch some new series since then, may not look "on brand" to use so many examples form Sex and The City :D.
Edit P.S.: Carrie had so many low-quality moments, and the power move she pulled on her friend, so nasty.
Jokes aside though, this is my personal thought and opinion:
That seems to me like normal person behavior.
I think to expect people to be like us folks who've been in self-development for years may make it more difficult to socialize and have relationships compared to, say, an approach that is more welcoming of those who are more "normal".
As long as one is free of major red flags, "normal" may be fine.
Just my thought.
Haha great scene. I think the test was right there. " Have I gone from pleasantly neurotic to annoyingly troubled'.
Hello Lucio,
thank you for your answer. Hahaha spot on.
I agree 100%. It’s the perspective I needed. The risk of too high expectations. It’s true we’re going hardcore at it. I’ll temper them and be more tolerant, it’s helpful. The risk is never finding someone who’s “good enough”. In terms of friendship and romantic love.
Thanks!
Something interesting: she told me:
Her: shall I delete the application or not? I've gotten tons of notifications so I don't know what to do.
Decoded
Are you interested in a committed relationship or not? If not I have plenty of other options (you're not so high value after all).
My answer (did not go meta but could have gone, I do it when she tries to guilt trip me: wanting to stay together on Saturday (without asking my opinion/availability first):
Me: you do whatever you want.
AKA don't put pressure on me for anything. She asked me if I deleted the app (Tinder). I said yes: I deleted my account about a month ago some time after our first date but my goal was more to reset my profile. It was not out of commitment. So it's true but we're not talking about the same thing. She does not have to know though. Same dynamics as the right not to answer. I still swipe on Bumble (did not delete my account there) but it's more out of boredom and we still did not talk about commitment yet. So I'll admit that I'm taking advantage of the grey area we're in. It's not eagle behaviour I admit it.
Also, I changed my mind: it's not my responsibility to manage the fertility window of the women I'm dating. It's about my own interests. Yes I am responsible to not hurt her on purpose. But if I stay a few months to a year with a woman and want to end it, it's my choice. I'm not leading her on, I'm going with the flow. It's different. She's 31 yo. and now we're having a good time. It's not my responsibility to put her interest above mine. I've been guilted by previous women for other reasons and due to a manipulative mother, I got conditioned into putting women's interests above my own even if I fought/am fighting it.
Also, something I am sad about is that the other irish redhead woman I miss her. I just love redheads. When she was standing up naked I got disgusted by her fat belly and somehow I'm not at peace with this yet.
The current woman is a better fit for me in terms of compatibility/character and she's thinner. She's got shapes but not fat. So I prefer her body. So overall a better choice/fit. We talk everyday and have a lot to exchange.
But it feels like I want it all. Anyway, with the other woman it was more about joking and sex. With this one it's deeper. We cannot have it all and I'm not at peace yet. I miss the other woman's hair, eyes and freckles. Anyway, no way I can get back to her now with the way I (cowardly) fled. I do my best to be monogamous but I'm afraid it's not in my primary nature. I'm a lover of (beautiful) women so it's a challenge for me to stick to one.
Another manipulation from my now GF
She wanted to know what I thought of her at the first date, and between the dates. AKA my intentions. Then she said that the first time I came at her place on the 2nd date and we had sex that she was wondering if I really brought a board game. I left in the morning before she woke up as I wanted to get stuff done. She interpreted it as if I only wanted sex.
But the manipulation comes where she accused me of not having brought a game. I brought a game, I just did not get it out since we were kissing and making love. So basically her point was: "this does not happen usually to me (to have sex so fast)". I asked her if that happened to her earlier that men would just pretend something and just have sex. She said not to her but to her friends.
Well, all that for:
- Not being framed as "easy/slut"
- Trying to poke at my intentions: relationship or fuck buddies?
The thing is that I'm quite transparent: I don't say something I don't mean and I don't lie. In 99% of cases. So basically, it goes back to her insecurities about my commitment. Despite my actions showing that I am present and care for her. We talk every day and what I actually like the most about her is not her body/face it's her personality and our conversations. So she's way off. But hey, up to me to show better leadership and commitment. BUT without being manipulated into it.
