Former Community – We Moved
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My Journey to Love
Haha when I was extremely young I had a girl I met at the tennis club invite me for tennis. Both of us turned up without a racquet. At least you had the game with you. This lady is fascinating she's like the every woman and I don't mean in a bad way she's got all the feminine behaviors. Classic ASD. She will be loyal.
Thank you Transitioned, I believe the same. She was in a LTR for 4 years where she supported a man who had no job. She also gave her hair to cancer patients. So quite a pure heart in my opinion. Not being naive that's my feeling. She has high moral standards without virtue signaling. She's not a feminist either and understand men's POV. She's actually critical of women (poor consciousness towards contraception, etc.), which is good since it shows she sees them as competition, as it should be. And her being beautiful she has had her lot of shit from women. So yeah, I think you're right.
I want to stop smoking and I told her about how it is to be a smoker (the shameful parts as well: picking cigarettes butt in my trash when I was out of cigarettes, buying cigarettes again when I said to myself I would stop, etc.). Â (I'm talking about it here as well to let go of the shame BTW to be ok with that)
The next day I told her (she does not like that I smoke but smoked 4 cigarettes with me yesterday: we were drunk but go figure...) she started to shame me. And now I feel I have to hide it from her as she's shaming me. Yes I want to stop but it's my choice.
So it's a warning: don't give ammo to a woman you're dating. She will try to control you.
It's like saying to her: here's the remote. If you push on that button I do that.
So it's about not giving her the power to shame you. As she will probably use it. Especially as in my case all her attempts at control failed so far. I told her I see through all of her games (thanks to PU) so I'm one step ahead. However, this is an interesting lesson.
Hello, John! I'd like to suggest a different approach: be vulnerable and shame her for taking advantage your vulnerability. For example, you can tell her it was hard for you to share it her, that you did it because you trusted in her, that a relationship must be build with trust as a foundation, and both of you must feel that you can share deep challenges without fearing judgment. Tell her it's not cool to use it against you. You can go higher power (you're disappointed) or vulnerable (you're sad) if you want to tone it up.
Then you adjust your relationship with her based on what she responds to you. I think being secretive not to give a partner ammunition is detrimental to the relationship.
Thank you very much Kavalier! Much much helpful. I'll definitely use it if it shows up again!
I think it's the best way to handle it. Agree also with your notes on secrets.
I said that I regretted having told her but that was not the right frame, you're right.
I think your answer is PU-worthy, if you don't mind if would like to actually make a new thread so it's more searchable/findable and put your answer in it. I'll do it or not depending on you of course.
In my notes of course!
I take your thumbs up as a yes if I'm not mistaken. Thanks!
Something else that I think is worth mentioning.
I'm getting an insight through her into beautiful high quality girl mentality. I don't have enough intel yet to make it a post.
- She does not go to nightclubs but goes to lounges
- She experienced female jealousy her whole life
- She's been drugged by a guy for having sex
- She's been withhold in an airBnB by a guy for sex
- She's used to being seen as "meat"
So this influenced as I thought so her psychology. What I call "beautiful woman psychology".
So she will be more cautious about her security than other women as she's more of a target. Quick ideas.
I slept at her place tonight. And I could see a few things:
She's too insecure: if I tease her on anything she's going to justify herself
She's too crazy: I said to her that good mental health was one of my criteria. She's not passing it. As Transitioned said: "everything is manageable but her fucked up childhood". I don't see myself having kids with her in her current state of mental health.
Love bombing: I was wondering if it was or not. Since I'm still doubting I will say it is. I'm sure she's in love with me. No doubt about it. But she's also love bombing. So another manipulative trait. Even if unconscious.
Too controlling: it's on the little things at her place. How loud I can speak (she's afraid her neighbour will know about her life). Where I can walk with my shoes (fair enough and normal, but she's making too much out of it, it's more the "how" than the "what"). She's a bit paranoid as well (don't use her real name for small things, says it's a matter of work but it is exaggerated in this context). I found it cute in the first place but since things add up I have a different feel about it.
So all of these make red flags. She is smart, beautiful and kind. I love to speak with her. But I see her more as a friend than a lover now.
I proposed to her to come to Australia with me in February. It made sense to me since she's my GF. But now I don't picture myself travelling with her. I will tell her and she won't like it. But I do my best to be true with myself. She's disturbing too much of my peace and freedom. Yes she's a resource to me but at the same time she's a pain in the ass.
I have not fallen in love with her yet. When I see her I like her and happy to kiss her but I don't have strong feelings of love. Maybe it's too asymmetrical between us. I don't know. She's mature enough but all the little things add up and the deal is not good enough for me to commit in the longer term.
John, how about you simply tell her what you expect and want to see.
"If we are to be together long term, I expect my partner to.... "
So simple, yet so effective.
Thank you for sharing Lucio that was gold in one sentence.
Yeah, you got it Jack.
I think it's just a smaller sign of a big mindset switch.
Ie.:
Now I'm a cool guy, and to be with me requires that you can play at this level.
Then to make it more collaborative/win-win:
I'm happy if you can do it and happy to help (but you'll have to be willing to do you part)
