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My Journey to Power

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Hello everyone,

An update. I wrote some time ago that I was finding motivation to push hard in the gym by thinking about the children. I realized I was still doing things for other people and that I needed to change my mindset to doing it for me. This now done.

My new mindset.

Now when I train hard, do my best to stop smoking, etc. I think about my Transformation. Every little step, every little effort brings me closer to this amazing guy I'm not yet.

Caring children is still my mission and I love it. However I don't exercise for them. I exercise for me.

I work for them, study for them, fight for them.

But finding a high quality mate, being muscular and lean, being in good health, I do it for ME.

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano and Emily have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoEmily

Hello everyone,

Here is a Success I want to share with you.

Context

I was with colleagues at a lunch on the lakeshore (afterwork) and I met a girl who's friend with a colleague (acquaintance/friend now). We talked a bit and exchanged our phone numbers. She lived in Geneva so I was not planning to see her but rather to stay in touch as friends.

I received the next day an audio message from my friend/acquaintance, let's call him Igor. He's gay to give more context.

Basically this message was power-protecting in the intro. But he quickly goes in hoping that if I see her again I will be "nice" and not be a "typical guy who plays games". He's happy we met (judge frame all along) and hope we will see each other in "all benevolence". She's naive, blablabla

So the frame is: I'm going to take advantage of her and he wants to protect her.

I get shocked and upset by his message. I did not put all the content but you see the gist of it.

I call him 2 days later and we have a conversation (I had written my points on my computer):

  • I power protect in the intro and say I like him and respect him
  • I say that I was shocked because he assumed my intentions, did not ask my intentions
  • I ask him why he thinks like this about me or if people talked bad about me (I'm probing for my reputation here)
  • He says that he knew I was seeing a girl some time ago and that being surrounded by many women (gay context), he hears them complain about how they've been disappointed by men who disappeared.
  • I say I did not know he was surrounded by many women (good intel)
  • I say that he assumed I would harm her and be malevolent.
  • I explain to him it's true there are mismatch between long-term and short-term mating strategies between men and women often. That men can deceive and women can deceive as well (pretend they're looking for short-term).
  • I tell him that it's the responsibility of these women to be less naive, that he cannot prevent them from experimenting and making mistakes
  • That if he's concerned about her being hurt by men, he should tell her his concerns
  • He tells me I'm charming and this is why he was also concerned.
  • I tell him it's not up to him to control my love life or hers. I even tell him (with power-protect): we're not in morocco (he's half-moroccan), you cannot veil her! He laughed
  • Then I tell him that if he wants to know my intentions, I had no romantic intention towards her, it was all in their heads. (True but I throw her under the bus and raise my status at the same time AKA I'm not interested). I would not have minded to fuck her to be honest, but I was not going to pursue her or go to Geneva, so this is true as well. He's flabbergasted. I tell him: "Imagine now how I felt to receive this message" (I had forgotten her to be honest).
  • He felt stupid and shameful as he harmed me.
  • I go eagle: "You know to me what I see is that conversation brought us closer. It showed us we can have adult mature respectful conversations and still be friends"
  • We end up the conversation warmly and looking forward to see one another.

What I learned

I went assertive with someone who could take it.

Another win for TPM.

As you can see in this conversation I used many principles and came out on top and deepened a friendship. I was not going to see this woman anyway but I did not like him removing options.

I gained precious intel about and from him as well.

Once again, I would like this to encourage you and inspire you to study this stuff as I'm slowly getting the rewards in a cumulative way of my studying and practicing over the past 2 years. Whether or not it's encouraging you, It's encouraging me!

Lucio Buffalmano, Mats G and leaderoffun have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoMats Gleaderoffun

Awesome stuff, John!

With the show of power and skills you've done, hopefully this won't turn into a gay stalking case now :).

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hahaha I love this guy he’s a very kind person. He’s not the bitchy kind of gay person. Thanks for the compliment. 🙂

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Update:

Yesterday I was out with Bernard (fake name, referred to B. previously). He was the one to cancel on me to see a girl. Yesterday he almost cancelled again because he had another thing coming up.

So I decided to give him a straight talk (assertiveness): "You know you cancelled last time and this time it was almost the same". Right away he apologises and say that he never intended to disrespect me.

At first I was planning to post this in "how to expand one's social circle" because expanding my social circle taught me that I don't need so much specific people as before. So having straight talks is not as risky as before. I can afford to lose friends. What I'm learning is that these straight talks when you have a good record with the person actually strengthen the relationship, as Lucio said. Now I have experienced it.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Nice one, John!

Told it like it is, honest and direct, and drew the boundaries of fair dealing.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hello everyone,

The interview

Last week, I had an interview to choose my last rotation (last 6 months of my training) and I wanted Intensive care as I won't have the opportunity to do it again. It has shitty schedule but you learn a lot.

The way the interview goes is like a negotiation. First the guy says where they want to put you and then you say what you want and argue for it. Basically they have all the power over your career because if you don't get the right rotations you can be stuck in a dead-end. You can find other ways around but it will be costly in time and energy as you will have to find alternative.

That is why intensive care is a key rotation. If you do it, you have more opportunities to work in hospitals. In some cases they won't hire you if you have not done intensive care.

So basically it was already set up. They had decided I was going to go to the paediatrics private office. The good thing is that I get to see what it is and if I like it. The disadvantage is that I won't have the opportunity of intensive care.

I negotiated as hard as I could but I made several mistakes: I've been too honest. I should have lied and say I want to do a hospital career. Also I did not use enough the WIIFM. The guy is a shark and he has way too much power over our careers. Basically he chooses who's going to go further and who's not.

It's been now 3 rotations they did not give me what I asked. So I was not able to influence them. My colleagues lie to get what they want and they do. Despite me having a great CV they don't like me very much (the two people deciding our rotations). I worked hard in the last year to improve my relationship with them: did not work. I tried to contact them sooner in the rotation: did not work. I had good performance reviews in my last 2 rotations: did not work. I passed my theoretical exam: did not work. No arguments make them change their mind. He bullshited me by saying: "he has to talk with the 2nd person because he cannot make a decision, it's her who's managing my file" which is the "outside authority" manipulation. And I fell for it.

So these guys have already decided I'm not good enough for them and won't give me opportunities. Not to play the victim, but I think my background plays a role based on some remarks he said in the past. I think they promote the "real Swiss" people and don't say it openly.

Anyway, I don't want to do a career in this hospital which is like Academia: only the most ambitious, ego-driven people are working there. The prestige and excitement is worth their free time and joy. Well, it's not worth mine.

But basically what he did by not giving me access to intensive care is in my mind a way of sabotaging my career. I don't take it personally, but he removed an opportunity from me.

Revenge

I'm plotting a revenge. Now I'm leading the group of resident physicians that I created. And we can do some claims. Well, guess what is going to be the topic of the next conversation with the big boss? That's right: transparency in the choice of rotations. Actually, the big boss brought it up himself.

So I'm going to do a survey about the transparency in the rotations and give it to my colleagues. And then present it to the big boss.

Because all of this is a matter of power. They choose rotations for me because they have power over me. And this is going to be inverted because now we are a group of 60 people. I am not going to make an enemy. I'm never going to apply to his hospital and he's going to retire in 2 years. Many people find him strange. He's being harming me several times: first by not accepting me the first time in the paediatrics training, second by humiliating me during the paediatrics training interview and now by not giving me the rotations I asked for.

Well, the good thing in all of that is that the rotations I got I was lucky as they were the right fit for me. But they gave them to me because in their head it was shit rotations. He thought that I would not like them. That's what he told me.

So he had it coming. He's going to retire in 2 years, I'm going after him because the big boss also wants him to fail I think. So I have a powerful ally.

That's the personal part. The other part is that it's just an unfair system where they have all the power and we have to plea for what we want. People have to lie to get what they want. If you're branded "attending material", the doors open, otherwise the doors close.

As I said I understand that I have to improve my negotiation and persuasion skills. However, now it's personal (not like the Godfather). These people abusing their power have gone too far. I'm in the fight now.

Cool, go for it John.

And let us know how it goes.
If he blocked you, he had it coming indeed. Plus, even beyond personal issues, more transparency is good for everyone while more power in the hands of easily corruptible individuals who can decide on the basis of everything else but merit, is bad for everyone.

Quote from John Freeman on August 12, 2022, 6:50 am

He bullshited me by saying: "he has to talk with the 2nd person because he cannot make a decision, it's her who's managing my file" which is the "outside authority" manipulation. And I fell for it.

Sometimes code for:

I don't want, but also don't want to take the blame.

One last-ditch of to address that can be:

Awesome, can I also talk to her?

If he says no, you say "she's  going to decide who is going there, I think it's only fair we get a chance to talk to each other".
If he still denies, then you hold your end of the line only:

OK, but I think it's fair if I at least get to chance to speak to the decision maker. If we are here to interview, then it's my right to interview with the decision maker.

If he still denies:

OK, is that your final decision?
Because if you guys don't want me to talk to the decision maker, I'll have to pursue this matter further

Ali Scarlett, John Freeman and Bel have reacted to this post.
Ali ScarlettJohn FreemanBel
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Wow, thank you very much for your answer, Lucio!

This is very powerful!

This guy said sexist remarks in the past to colleagues. He was demeaning with someone I hold in high esteem and also tried to block her career. She proved him wrong by becoming everything he said she could not become (attending physician in nephrology).

Both of them are people who put other in boxes and are not willing to change their minds.

I talk with my mentor today about this situation. Yes my current supervisor is my mentor. He advises me protects me and helps me to climb the hierarchy. He asked me if I wanted him to write an email. I thanked him and said I was going to think about it. I told him more stories about my path in (toxic) pediatrics and how the “decision maker” judged me early for beginner social mistakes with (toxic) nurses.

I was transparent with him. I did not play the victim but told my side of the story. I did not appeal to pity but told him like it was.

He said: “I like this guy but I think he’s not doing well his job. I’m going to write him an email. It’s already a “no” so it can not be worse. Or they’re going to fire you ;)” he was joking on the last one of course and I laughed. I thanked him very much.

The power of allies and being aligned with your boss’ values. We share the same values: welfare, justice, teamwork. So I just have to be myself with him and that’s enough. He appreciates me for who I am and how I work.

Thank you very much again. I’m fighting against snakes and I know it’s worth it. Not for me but for what I stand for. I’m in the fight.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

2 days ago, the guy who decides the rotations, Bob, wrote me an email asking me if I have a car, which will determine where they will send me in the private paediatrics office. The email was curt as the power differential he thinks he has over me shows. I wrote "think" because he does not know yet that there is the committee and that payback is coming.

So I have to answer him by Monday out of respect and professionalism. Also, the other unit leaders get the rotation schedule before we do. So my supervisor already know what I'm going to do.

I asked a colleague whom I trust to have her opinion on the matter, I'm going to talk to her today hopefully.

So I don't know what to do:

Option 1: Not fight

I just tell him that I don't have a car, cross my fingers that he will take into account my supervisor's opinion. Also, maybe I will like the private practice office and I'm fighting a useless battle whereas I will like it and be happy with it because I will have a better private life.

Option 2 : Fight

I write to him that I would like to speak with the "decision maker". The problem is that it might sound too little too late. And my arguments will not be better heard: they want people who want to work in the hospital in the rotation, but I don't want to.

The problem

The problem is that in the end, he's right not to give me the intensive care as I don't want to do a hospitalist career. However, it's important for my training I believe. It's important for me to become a good paediatrician I think. But this argument has no value to them. They'd rather give it to someone who wants to work at the hospital. I'm in a hybrid situation: I want to work at the hospital but in ambulatory setting (day work) and not hospital work (shifts, nights, week-end).

Also, as I said, on my CV it will make a difference, no matter what I do I think (I might be wrong). It's a badge of honour. And colleagues of similar experience who don't want to work in the hospital got this rotation, because they negotiated better and also lied about what they want to do. That's what is most irritating to me actually.

My biggest mistake

It was to say that I don't know what I want to do. That's when I shot myself in the foot the hardest. I said that because I did not want to lie and if I said I want to do ambulatory, he would have said: "then you don't need intensive care" and it will over.

I already told my supervisor that I want to work with migrant people. So he knows and supports me anyway.

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