My Journey to Power
Interesting case John, and a tough one indeed.
Is it a sure thing that if consequences happen, they'd be able to pin it on you?
Some other ways to handle it off the top of my mind:
- Give a honest performance review only once you left
- Be straight with the narcissistic pediatrician (a risk but in some cases may work. Probably a minority of cases, though)
- Say without saying it
I like the last option, very sociall strategic.
Here is how it goes:
You say that you prefer to talk about those matters in person.
In person, you say something like:
(positive, positive about her)
And now, look, honest talk, and put yourself in my shoes.
She's taking me under her wing and I feel bad to say anything bad about her.
So let's say that I personally believe in vaccines, antibiotics, and in XYZ and not so much in differenet and more alternative approaches.(positive, positive about her)
Then if they try to be more explicit or accusatory, you say "look, I told you. She's teaching me a lot, taken me in her practice, and she's good at many things, and very good to me. I told you the positives, and if you read between the lines I've given you all the information about what I'd do differently as well".
Then, optional, you may say "if we meet again in the future in different circumstances, we can speak more clearly. For now, I think this is a honest and complete feedback.
Thank you very much!
Yeah, this is definitely subtle and socially savvy. It does definitely accomplish the goal of speaking my mind without overtly denouncing anyone.
Advanced stuff!
I’m not sure if they would be able to pin it on me but probably yes since I’m the last one who was in their rotation.
If questions about her skills come out she will think immediately about me I think.
It’s not in my hands anymore and most probably I won’t deal with these people ever again. I think she’s not too far from retirement anyway. I would like to have the option to maybe go back to the other practice but it’s more about keeping my options open. I’m not even sure I want to do private practice. They have a good lifestyle but I find the well child visit boring. Also there are other private practices. What worries me is more my relationship with the “good” private practice. I don’t think she has a good reputation among other pediatricians so many of them could actually be relieved that I spoke out. But this all hypotheses: first they must talk to her (fifiy-fifty percent chance), then she has to understand it’s me (likely) then it has to have consequences (unlikely they need her) then it has to be taken the wrong way by the “good” practice (likely if they suffer consequences unlikely if there’s none: they also don’t like her practices) and then it has to be known to other pediatricians (very unlikely).
So after examining roughly the probabilities I should be alright.
Thank you!
Yesterday evening I felt depressed so I called my brother-in law because I needed to speak to someone. I called him because as you might know my sister does not answer when I call her (has been like that for more than 10 years). This morning I regret it because I've been vulnerable with him and actually we're not that close. I could see that when it was his time to relate he only partly disclose his own vulnerability. So I felt like it was one-sided: I was the one having problems and he was ok. So I felt heard in a way but the dynamics of the interaction felt off.
The reason I needed to speak with someone is that my confidence is low after the past performance review. And now I'm in a cycle of not sleeping enough, making (small) mistakes. These mistakes have an effect on my confidence and self-esteem and so on.
I don't think that private practice is for me. At least not with these supervisors.
This also ties to a general feeling of failure in many aspects of my life. I got a lot of negative feed-backs in the recent months from different sources: at work, during the trip, etc. So I lost a lot of confidence. I see mostly the negative now. Even writing this here I feel like a failure because I will be judged to be "low power". I feel like my memory is not working well enough, maybe I'm burned out I don't know. I only lose: I lose at board games, I lose at work, this irish girl is in love with me but she's fat, I'm supposed to start this job as an attending physician but I lost all my confidence (my supervisor told me that he does not think I'm ready to be an attending physician). I'm not happy where I live because I feel people are stiff, cold and selfish and the dating market is not good. My teenagehood friend don't
Yeah I have to be the learner I know. But right now all I feel like doing is giving up. I know many people would be happy to see me fail. Even my brother-in-law there was a bit of schadenfreude at the beginning when I spoke to him.
I will speak with the psychologist again in May. But all in all, I just feel down, sad and like shit. I'm 42 years old, I had a shit family situation as a child, I worked on myself to get out of it and here I am still: feeling stuck. Not knowing where to go next. Feeling like everything I did is shit. Not having close friends that I trust enough to say those things. The best person I found is my brother-in-law and I regretted afterwards to disclose it. Hell, I don't even want people to answer to this thread. I'm tired of these superficial Western societies based on material stuff, performance and appearance. Some people will be happy that I'm failing and feeling low. And that hurts me even more. So I know I have to get back into the fight and I will. I just feel it's not really worth it. Everything I did seems like nothing now. It's been 20 years I'm working like a horse and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. My childhood friends are happy to compare themselves to me and that made me feel even more inferior. Yes, these are not my values: money, status, etc. But still, these are the values of the society I live in and I'm being judged on that.
And everytime I open up about this I feel like I'm sinking lower in people's opinion, but I don't care. It's my journal and someday I'll look back and see how low I went and I'll be proud of myself.
I'm going to get back up no matter what other people think of me. I know many people would like to see me fail because I had a different lifepath. Because I'm different. Because they feel inferior. I now see that my friends beating me in board games is also a way to prove their superiority on me. So I'm going to work harder. I'm going to work harder. I'm going to work harder at work. I'm going to work harder at going to bed early. I'm going to work harder at getting better at board games. I'm going to workout more often.
I'm going to do all these things. But I feel sad. Because there this competition all the time. Who's better? Who's higher? Who's lower? And I have to say that I'm a bit tired of this game. It's meaningless to me.
Anyway, I'm done with this post. Whatever people think of me after I wrote that: "self-victim frame", "low power", "loser", I don't care. Judge me all you want I'm getting used to it. This might actually be my current life lesson: to let go of other people's judgement. To take the information that is useful and leave what is not. But again, this comes back to being more rational, more strategic: always more thinking/planning/scheming. There's no getting out of our minds and thinking anyway.
I know when I'll look back at this post I might regret it but as I said I must confront that people have bad opinions of me and be ok with it. That might be a good exercise actually: to let the sadness and feelings of inferiority in me visible and deal with the loss of status. I want to be real.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.¨
said Tecumseh. Well, the fault lies within myself so I can change something. I lost the meaning in my life, so the good thing is that I can find it again. I feel like my life is really mediocre and bad. I'm not sure the person I worked to become is as good as I thought I am. Hell, I even have to write all this stuff on a forum on the Internet at 5:37am.
I feel like I have to start all over the process of rebuilding my confidence, self-esteem, re-design my life. Have new goals, see myself in a different light. What is 100% sure is I have to change a lot of things in my life. This past 6 months, my soul got shattered a bit but it's ok I've been down and up and down. I'll get up again. I feel lonely, inferior and sad. I will change this. I owe it to myself. I am not perfect and I made many mistakes. But I deserve better and I deserve to get back up on my feet. I might have some things to improve at my job but I did not deserve to be treated like that. And this happens in many aspects of my life, I still let people mistreat me because I fear of being rejected. I don't deserve this. I deserve better. I'm going to give myself better through my willpower and my work. It won't be easy, I will deal with haters but I will succeed in this next transformation. It's worth it. If I don't owe it to myself, I owe it to my soul. I have value and I must protect this value. I am valuable to myself and to others. But some people are envious and are happy when I fail/I'm down. I will prove them wrong as well. It's the feeling of loneliness that is hard. This feeling of having to fight against everyone because people always compare themselves to me. This is exhausting.
I have not been able to stop smoking yet so I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm in a very negative spiral loop but I'll get out of it. I promise it to myself. I may feel lonely but I still can count on myself. I'm tired of people stepping on me.
Sorry for the rambling and the negativity. That's what's in me right now. I'm going back to sleep now, my mind is at peace. I know I will regret that post tomorrow but I will post it anyway. Some people might find something useful in there, who knows? Or even a cautionary tale not to think/do like me. Anyway, there might be something to learn for someone here. This is how I feel so it is part of my journey.
Thank you all for all the help and support. It does not goes unnoticed nor unappreciated. It's just a very low moment emotionally in my life right now.
Edit: multiple.
It was good to get this out of my chest. This morning I’m ready to fight. I’m going to fight and I’m going to win. No matter what. I’m going to do what I need to do in order to win. That means willpower and work.
I’m going to build a self and a life that I deserve. It’s not that what I did or that the work on myself has no value. It just means that it is not enough yet. Everything that is happening to me right now is good. I’m going to be more selfish again to adapt to my environment. But I’m not going to become cynical. I’m going to become positively selfish. I don’t know how many people did not believe in me, many. It’s just a new occurrence on a new level so it hurts more. What I realize is that if my friends are comparing themselves to me so did I. I’m not going to do this mistake again. I’m going to work hard AND take care of myself. I’m going to win because I’m going to prepare for it. This is not over. The ball is in my court. I may be disappointed by the lack of authenticity, kindness and spirituality in my society. I may be tired of the obsession with status, appearances and money but I’m going to win anyway. I’ll continue to adapt and win. Everything that I learned so far is the stepping stone to my next transformation. I may not want it, I may dread it but I decided: I’m going there. I let go of my old self. It was good to be this person and I’m a bit sad to let the person I was behind but this is the way. Adapt and win.
I was a lover of people but I got disappointed quite a bit in the past years working with people: both colleagues, supervisors, parents, friends, family: all of them. So I let go of these expectations. Most people are selfish and self-centered. In order to win in this society I have to adapt to it. I’m also selfish and self-centered but I feel not to this extent.
I may not having been perfect but my intentions were positive most of the time. And I feel I have not been repaid for my good deeds. I was living the nice guy syndrome: expecting to get things for being nice. As you guys know it does not work. It’s sad but I have to let go of many things in order to thrive. I can always adjust later.
The Sleeper Must Awaken.
I cancelled all the events this week-end so I can rest and work.
I've got a lot of work ahead of me...
Cheers John, props for the courage of total and refreshing honesty, and happy to read you're already on the upswing.
Had little doubts it was going to come.
After all, everything shall pass.
I think that up and downs are normal.
And I think that some people tend to be "emotionally flatter" while others experience more up and downs.
It's just one of the other thousands of traits in which people differ, and both end of the spectrum have their pros and cons.
(I'm actually just considering right now that motivational self-help may appeal less to the "flatter types", and more to the "higher-swings types" since it may be helpful to jumpstart the re-climb)
I also think one helpful area to look into may be in the extent of emotional self-detachment from the world's feedback (both people & events).
Complete self-detachment may not be ideal and also unrealistic.
But too much emotional involvement may take the emotional swings even more outside of one's control, and place it in the hands of random people or even events.
I have known people who'd feel like the world's best men when they'd accomplish something -and they'd even brag about it, being quite annoying-.
And then they'd feel the most utter failure when they would not accomplish something.
In this particular area, the "flatter approach" may provide more benefits.
You accomplished something, that's great and motivation enough for celebration -even though doesn't make you the best ever-.
You did not accomplish something, and that's much easier to bounce back from because that doesn't make you a failure.
That may be an area to look into.
Thank you very much Lucio! This is helpful.
(I'm actually just considering right now that motivational self-help may appeal less to the "flatter types", and more to the "higher-swings types" since it may be helpful to jumpstart the re-climb)
Very probable.
I also think one helpful area to look into may be in the extent of emotional self-detachment from the world's feedback (both people & events).
Yes
But too much emotional involvement may take the emotional swings even more outside of one's control, and place it in the hands of random people or even events.
Yes
In this particular area, the "flatter approach" may provide more benefits.
Yes, that is also what I mean when I say "being more an adult", I also mean becoming more rational. I am someone who's both emotional and analytical (like everyone of course). That being said, one of my strengths is also one my biggest weakness: I can absorb people's emotion and synchronize emotionnally with people quite easily I believe. It is not the same as having highs and lows but it tells me that I have to become better at managing my emotions. It's been a challenge for me for some time now. For people who are highly sensitive like myself the importance is higher to improve in that regard than someone "flatter" I believe. I also vastly underestimated the importance of sleep. I worked for 1.5 year straight before my recent holiday, so I think I also worked too much for my mental and emotional health.
So I think the next books I'll listen to are:
- A book about emotions/emotional management
- Will I ever be good enough
- I'm ok you're ok (only in written format)
I wanted to work on power, dating, etc. but I see now that I still have some healing to do and learn more about self-management (sleep, emotions for instance).
Regarding cancelling the events from this week-end, I wanted to send some signals to my friends that I'm not feeling great (being honest, while also a passive attempt at triggering sympathy I now see). So I said: "I need to rest and spend some time alone". This is the weak version since social image matters and people generally dislike and avoid weakness. Next time I'll say: "I need to rest, I've been doing too many things", which is equally true and avoid the weak image. Yes, we are all feeling weaker or stronger depending on the time period. However, it's better in terms of social strategy not to advertise it. That is why we can share it with a significant other or one/two close friends, but not more I think. Since I know now that they are not close friends, it makes more sense. It's not because I'm feeling down and need to improve my life that it's an excuse to forget the fundamentals of social power. Whatever I think, believe or feel I still live in the real World where people want to associate with powerful people. I just need to climb again the serotonine ladder. Working out is the fundamental for that. It helped me out every time.
You did not accomplish something, and that's much easier to bounce back from because that doesn't make you a failure.
Yeah, I think I still have some work to separate myself from my results. I do feel like a failure since this performance review and the negative feed-back (after a consult together with my supervisor: "That was not brilliant!").
That may be an area to look into.
I definitely will. I will take the learner mindset and persevere as I did in the past. What is difficult for me is to feel like I'm starting all over again. What is certain is that I have to change how I think cognitive behavioural therapy style.
The fight goes on...
Thanks a lot!
I’m also going to read “the highly sensitive person”. I read your review and this is why I talked so much about sleep: I underestimated it knowing the way my brain functions.
Today I thanked a mother (she’s a nurse) for her respect for our profession (not always the case at all). She told me that she trusted me a lot. That she told my supervisors that she thought that I’m going to be a great pediatrician. She also told her sister working at the university hospital and other people working there. It touched me and it’s encouraging.
I’m aware that my post 2 posts above was very dark and I stand by it. But I won’t give up. I’m at rock bottom but I will rise again. Not from my ego or for my ego. I won’t use my dark side to rise. I will rise from my inner self. From what is true, beautiful and good. To do this I still have to spend more time in this emotional state to heal what needs to be healed. And then, lighter, I will naturally float to the surface. Tonight I am grateful for the struggle and I embrace it. Life is not always easy, I encounter and will encounter obstacles. The only thing that matters is the will to go on.
It may sound dramatic but this is how I feel. In medicine it’s a common experience to want to give up. I know many people who thoughts dozens of time of giving up. It comes with the territory. I even told to an intern that if you feel you are bad at your job, all you have to do is to force you to come one more day at the hospital. Every day.
Yesterday, I talked with my friend who's living in Sweden. I was wrong: I have a close friend. He is my close friend. He listened to me, supported me, believes in me and has a positive view of me. He took my side regarding my supervisors.
This morning I was evaluated by my male supervisor like every Thursday on my consults (he is there during the consult and give me feed-back afterwards). He completely changed his attitude. He's now much more power protecting and is thinking before he speaks to choose his words in order not to hurt my ego. He's even doing it a little too much as I could take harsher feed-backs without being hurt. I think it comes also from him getting to know me better (I talked more about my personal life, interest and travel) and me applying my English friend (making them feel good about themselves).
I think I unvoluntarily triggered insecurities in them by violating the law of power: "never outshine the master". I think I did it by confronting them with the different way they do things. As a reminder, I have four different supervisors. For instance one told me: look at the computer and the other one is telling me not to look at the computer. One is telling me to weigh the child before the consult, the other one is telling me to do it afterwards. Some things make more sense medically and in terms of communications (the advice from my male supervisor). So I was telling them when they saw me doing something else that what they wanted: "Yeah but the other supervisor told me to do it like that. So I think it confronted them with their differences and in a way challenged their authority.
Now, I listen and aquiesce and I adapt to each one of them. If they make a comment, I acquiesce. I may make some comment but not as a justification, more as a question as in "this why I do it, what do you think about it?".
So my relationship with him changed 180°. I'm quite amazed. Yesterday evening I was dreading going back to work because I would be evaluated during my consults with him. He's the one who's been harsh with me during my performance review and hurt my feelings/ego. Most if not all the content of the feed-back was appropriate during the performance review. It was the way it was delivered (with anger) and the accusatory tone. Also the image they were painting of me was not at all the person I felt I was. Moreover, saying that I did not have the appropriate level discouraged me more than it encouraged me. So it was more about the communication than the content of it. The communication was aggressive and demeaning.
But somehow this all changed. I don't know if it is also because they speak with one another. I don't know how much of it I'm responsible for. I think it's several factors. I told one of the 3 other supervisors that the performance review affected my confidence so she might have told him.
Anyway, things are improving.