My Journey to Power
First, I want to thank Lucio for the opportunity to journal here... then I realized I'm actually journaling, hahaha.
I mean that I heard from Tom Bilyeu and other people that it's a good habit to journal every day. I thought it's a good idea but not the first habit to implement. I realize now that this forum gave me the opportunity to journal. And yes, it works. The feed-back I get 10x it of course. So I do think it's good to write our thoughts and experiences down.
I came here to write about friendship. I now have had the experience that when you're feeling down or beaten down, it's actually a good test to see who are your brothers-in-arms. I did not do it on purpose but now I can see it. It's when I cancelled the events this WE. As I said I think my brother-in-law has a bit of schadenfreude with me and is not willing to open up as much as me. And it's ok. I also found that my friend living in Sweden is the close friend I can call when things are bad and I need support. He was really a friend and today I feel much better thanks to him. Of course, you guys are also a precious support group.
Now I'll get to the friends I made with whom I play board games, rock climb and have dinners. I said some time ago that these friendships were more superficial than I thought. And I think I were right. Here are the answers I got when I cancelled with my 3 friends the board game I started to organize. It's a good experiment as I used the same message.
Me: Hello, excuse me I changed my mind: I need to rest and be a bit alone this WE. But next time!
JB: Ah ok no problem. The next game is going to come soon anyway.
So he does not get the hint that I'm feeling down. It's ok. And now I know he's not the person who talks about his feelings so I think he's not comfortable with that. It's ok and I like him anyway but he's not going to support me emotionally if needed. He helped me for other things but not emotionally.
Me: Hello, excuse me I changed my mind: I need to rest and be a bit alone this WE. But next time!
Frank: Hello John. Ah ok as you prefer. You alright feeling the blues?
Me: Yeah, I need a little time for myself.
Frank: ok... I'm available if you need it.
Me: Thanks!
He understands something's wrong and he's making himself available so I'm grateful to him. However, he's not a great listener so I did not feel like talking to him. When we talk together he mostly talks about him. One of our friends does not want to hang out with him for this reason. Not me but I did not feel like opening to him.
Me: Hello, excuse me I changed my mind: I need to rest and be a bit alone this WE. But next time!
Bernard: Hello John. ok as you wish. You alright?
Me: It's alright thank. (he puts a thumbs up on my message)
So here he asks how I am but I don't feel like being vulnerable with him as well.
So it does not mean they're not my friends. It means they are not the friends I will call for emotional support.
I might look like an asshole posting my friends' messages and analyze them and it's ok. I'm aware I'm being demanding with my friends. I've been disappointed a lot so I'm more cautious. Also, in this group people talk so I don't feel like sharing like I did on the forum or with my friend to have this circulate in the group.
I guess what I want to share is that some friends are great for having fun and some are great for emotional support. I made the mistake to think that the people you see regularly are your close friends. Nope. You can know someone for many years and you are not close. So emotionnally close is important. How much you are ready to reveal about your inner self and how much they are ready to reveal about their inner self. That builds closeness. Cool and fun experiences build bonds but not the same quality of bond.
Bernard helped me a couple of times in need and I listened to him when he had trouble after his breakup or with his job. So we do have some kind of bond but not deep enough for me to open up on all this stuff.
So I want to say I'm grateful to Frank for having made himself available to me. I feel like staying alone this WE and not talk with him but this was a gesture of friendship.
Nice John, rock on.
Just two random thoughts I had:
- Love the "same message to all, compare the results"
- I think a friend who asks "all good" is good. Plus adding "I'm here" is good +
- Not opening up is not necessarily a sign of schadenfreude - it sounds like you were expecting opening up back, but one person calling to share something doesn't include any obligation to do the same, not even of "common courtesy" nature, in my opinion
Thank you!
I think a friend who asks "all good" is good. Plus adding "I'm here" is good +
I agree and that is why I said that I was demanding. Sometimes I'm not valuing enough signs of sympathy/friendship because I expect too much support/encouragement (this still comes from my father not giving any of those, I see now I still have to make peace with it). So I was being self-critical with me being too demanding and agree with your analysis.
Not opening up is not necessarily a sign of schadenfreude - it sounds like you were expecting opening up back, but one person calling to share something doesn't include any obligation to do the same, not even of "common courtesy" nature, in my opinion
Yes, I was not clear enough. I agree with your statement. The Schadenfreude was more in the tone of his first answers and when I send him the message I could not come I thought he sounded too happy. I can understand because they have a lot of family obligations. So all in all, I still take some of these things too personnally: "Why are you not supporting me better/in the way I desire?". So I think my inner child is still a bit hurt in that regard.
So I see that many of the hurt I feel are things I still need to heal from my inner child.
I suck at my job.
Today after digesting the ego blow on my last performance, review I accept it. Even if I'm better than I think I am I have to improve. So I'm going to write my goals again today. Instead of becoming a "great pediatrician" (superior to most), I will write an "excellent pediatrician" and come up with a plan.
I though this year I could finally focus on my love life but I cannot. I have to focus on becoming great at my job.
I don't know if it was a good choice to choose medicine but one thing is sure: medicine will eat your life (time). I understand why my female pediatrician colleague forbid her children to do medicine. If you become a doctor, you will be the eternal student. That is always study and always introspect how you can improve. I think it's the best job for personal growth as you are confronted with your limitations over and over again. There is no rest in that regard, I knew it, I thought it was great but now I see the dark side: in order to be a great physician you have to become a slave to growth. The difference with many other jobs is the stake of it. If you decide to stop improving at gardening: you will stay an average garderner. Little consequences. But the stakes of medicine always push you, it's never enough. Even more if you choose hospital medicine. Then in top to being a slave to medicine, you will become a slave to the hospital. So that's one of the dark side of medicine. Do I regret it? Kind of like many physicians. However, there are great emotional rewards and the personal growth I would have never hoped it if I stayed an engineer. So I embrace it and I accept my choice. It's too late to turn back this time anyway. So I have to push myself and to do this I must have enough energy and time that is: sleep, exercise and time management.
Now, what to do? Well, now that I accepted that I'm bad at my job I will come up with a plan to improve (including my memory who's real bad now) and execute on it. I wanted to invest more my social life but again I'm denied this. Something else: as soon as I can, I will reduce my time spent at work: 80%. I will experiment with this. In a year that is what I'll be able to do. Regarding the other aspects of my life (culture of Switzerland, dating, etc.) I will re-think it as well.
One thing that is to be sure is that many people think Switzerland is a paradise: it is not. It has tons of advantages. To get them you have to work and submit. Work to earn status and money. Submit to the hierarchy you're in since it's still a traditional, hiearchical, conservative culture compared to northern europe, NL or NZ. So I have to be good at this game. Switzerland is great if you are (like everywhere) at the top of a hierarchy or close to the top. If not, you are the one (like in the US) who has to perform, produce and shut your mouth. It is a VERY capitalistic culture. It's about money, status, appearances, at least in the cities. What makes it different from the US is that nobody will talk about it. People won't recognize publicly. Is it a country for me? I don't know... I know that where I am is recognized as one of the most socially-closed part of society. So I still have to think if I'm ready to exchange the wealth, (the nature: NL), my family, my friends and my mothertongue for another place.
I'm not sure it's better elsewhere. Maybe in the end it's human nature? Maybe it's reality and I have trouble to face it? That is also one of the reasons I studied so much: I saw my friends (very) unhappy in their jobs and I did not want the same. Well, here I am. So there's a part where it's about facing reality. From there, I want to create a life where I'm surrounded by loving, generous, open and excellent colleagues. They exist. I just have to find them, where to live and my wife.
I did many things and I don't even know how I was able to do it. So I choose to believe I can find this. ("I only do and believe what moves me towards my goals": Tom Bilyeu). Maybe I will fail but everything I did it was in order not to regret it. So I don't want to be in a shit job in 10 years, in a place where I don't like the people with a partner that is so-so. So I will use all my willpower to go for it. And even if I fail: "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey". People might not like me for whatever reason, people might want me to fail, people might reject me, people might judge me: it's still my own life and I'm the one to experience it. So if I don't do the best for myself, nobody will. Fuck them, I'm going to rise again and fight. I will use any part of me to achieve my goals. I will transform. I decided. The Sleeper Will Awaken. I'm writing this to myself. Wake Up!
I stop here with 2 of my favourite quotes and a video:
"A journey of a thousands miles begins with a single step" - Lao Tzu
“The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience.” - Frank Herbert
"I am here now because of you."
"You created me"
I will let myself be re-created from all these negative experiences, all the hurt. Again not as a revenge, not from my ego but from my mind. I don't need more ego, I need more humility.
I'm going to figure this out only by instincts only, by my morals, by my ideals and by my mind and I'm going to be dead honest with myself.
I want to live as the Hero in my own move. Let's see what I'm capable of. I'm not guaranteed of succeeding but I make a promise to myself to try as hard as I tried to become a bioengineer, as hard as I tried to become a doctor, as hard as I tried to heal myself. This is not over, I still have time. It's up to me to develop my potential, no matter what is my environment. I wish me the best in this new phase.
I will make it a "must" not as a "must succeed" but as a "must give it my best effort". That is what I can control.
People told me not to get too hard on myself. I have to if I want to have a chance. Everything I did so far was not in vain, it has value, it just is not enough.
I'm grateful for this negative performance review. It IS an opportunity. It is good so I can become better. As Walt Disney said:
So I'm grateful for the kick in the teeth. If I have one identity it's this one: "I'm the kind of person who rises up from failures". I had many failures in my life, this is just one more. The fight goes on...
Roc on, John!
Just some random notes on feelings I had while reading, no real advice here and no reply needed on them:
- I felt you can actually do both work, dating, or whatever else you want to make fit. Options don't necessarily have to be 100% or nothing, but also 90-10, 80-20, etc.
- It's always possible to go back to a previous career, and if it makes sense, one should be careful not to fall for the sunk cost fallacy. If a job in engineering may be more in line what you truly want, may make sense to explore it
Thank you!
Truth is: I'm burned out. I was ready to get out of the house today for some errands and I realized I was exhausted and got back to bed. I need to recover. I think my memory (I often forget what I just did and many other things), performance, confidence, self-esteem, mood comes also from that. So self-care is definitely my new number 1 priority.
I changed my mind: I don't think I suck at my job. I must improve yes, but I don't suck. I think that I live in a society with a constant psychological pressure to perform. So that's why I have the feeling that it's "never good enough". The best reviews I got where from a Lebanese doctor and a Spanish doctor. The Lebanese doctor is one of the best doctor I worked with and he told me that I'm a "good doctor".
I think the issue is a mismatch in values, communication styles and expectations as it has been many times the same scenario: I feel things are ok and then comes a performance review: "It's not good". So it also goes with this culture of talking behind someone's back and not telling things to their face. I only know the expectations afterwards. Also, people expect you to do it on your own. So basically you have to figure out how to attain the objective, they won't give you resources to do so. This "every man for himself mentality" is not for me. Especially when one does not have a strong social support group. So the Swiss mentality is really difficult for me to bear.
There is this Swiss term "Bünzli", that does not exist in other languages. It is a strictly Swiss term and will explain better the negative parts of Swiss mentality. From the French wikipedia: it is a little bourgeois conformist, petty, a bit stupid (sometimes greedy, coward, snitch or xenophobic). I would personnally remove the stupid but if there is a word for it in Swiss German, you can imagine it's a reality. All I can say is that there is a lot of arrogance and selfishness in Switzerland. Imagine living in a Society where everyone is polite and cordial but where you cannot build real connections easily. There are cool Swiss people, but either they travelled, they are of mixed origin, they have a foreign partner. Many Swiss people have no interest of what is not in their immediate vicinity: It's a small pond made of small ponds. Anyway I think I already wrote about it. I made a bit more research to understand Switzerland (on Reddit it is talked about over and over again even if their is a bias: values, ) and found this new term of Bünzli.
On Reddit, people talk about Switzerland being unnecessarily formal and hierarchical. That is exactly what I expressed to my friends in the past.
I'm writing this to vent FYI.
Also, I was wrong: I need to tap in my dark side. This is how I succeeded in the past when the odds where against me. It isn't pretty but sometimes one has to do what they have to do. It is what it is.
I have been victimised in my life so I'm not going to be a victim of myself. If I don't fight for myself it means I'm giving up on me and I won't.
I spoke with a friend and realized I have another close friend with whom we can talk about deep stuff in our lives. I listened to Tom Bilyeu, I tidied up my apartment. I'm moving upwards. I still have 3 performance reviews coming up in the next month. But I have a new mindset: I got back my fighting spirit. I may be brought down again and again but I will stand up again and again. The sleeper will awaken. The fight goes on...
What they want is for me to be performant, organized, confident but humble, efficient. I will give this to them.
TBH John. I can see from how you post and work hard here, your ability to self-examine your practice and the depth of your insights that you are a great doctor. Quality crosses fields.
Many bosses like to keep employees on the back foot. Crappy old fashioned theory X management thinking.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_X_and_Theory_Y
One yardstick I d apply is balanced feedback. As we do in agile is it a mix of continue/do more of/stop.
I would also triangulate on this. If you get similar feedback from multiple sources over time then might be an improvement opportunity.
Hello Transitioned,
thank you very much!
I have good news today: I’m winning!
I had an intermediate performance review and they told me they were very pleased with my progress.
As you could read I was in quite a dark place emotionally speaking the past 2 months and last week especially.
I will write more later…