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My Journey to Power

#311 · July 8, 2023, 10:38 am

During my last session with the psychologist I also realised that I was more at ease at work than in my private life.

That is that I have more ROI on my self-esteem at work than in my private life. It's a tough but important realisation. It also guides me to work on my private life. That is my days off are not only to rest and to study but also to improve my private life.

So my priority today is to work on my life strategy, I'll share it with you guys.

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#312 · July 10, 2023, 8:08 pm

Wow. Just got out of my performance review. In short it's stellar and they offered me a job to continue to work in the medium-term.

I said that I was interested however I was looking for to improve my skills and go abroad. So they still support me and gave me great advice.

So I can say that PU and this forum really changed my life. These are high quality people with 10 years more experience than me and they believe in me.

Yes I did the hard work (and hurtful) of introspection, yes I was the one that got out of bed and went to work everyday. However, you guys pointed me in the right direction. So I feel like I'm much more high-quality and high-value than before and that people want me more than before.

That includes my family, friends and women. No not everyone likes me but most people do and appreciate me. So it is an opportunity to set it as a milestone.

So thank you very much all!

Also, after reading the lesson about Brad Pitt, I change my model from George Clooney to Brad Pitt. He's high power, cool and relaxed. Like a lion really. He lacks the funny-charmer side but I found that this is useful in 10% of situations or in certain social situations for a short time.

People react better to a short burst of funny than in extending it too far. That is when you're not with your close brotherhood with whom you can shoot the shit. Then all bets are off and it's about making one another laugh.

But in most social setting it's about being half-serious, half-light most of the time with short burst of being funny.

People react very well to the calm, relaxed, focused type. As long as you're warm with them.

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#313 · July 10, 2023, 8:43 pm

Addendum: they also were impressed how fast I integrated in the team. So this is definitely a compliment to my improved social skills.

I still have some people that I was too imposing or that some parents found me to curt. So that was what I’m considering these days as I’m studying PU: increase my warmth. It’s a challenge to have the adequate mix of warmth and power at appropriate times. Reduce it when you’re being disrsespected increase it when there good will. The trick is that when I’m being disrespected I close myself off. It’s ok but I must do it selectively.

I must also increase my warmth and listening with the parents. I think I take too much space and I’m too socially dominant with the parents. Even if I extend compassion and understanding.

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#314 · July 10, 2023, 9:54 pm

Quote from John Freeman on July 10, 2023, 9:54 pm
Another idea (sorry for the string of posts) that I got today is the power of attention.
There is this female intern who I taught a lot of things and gave her a lot of time and attention at my job. However she did not reward me well as she accused me (indirectly) of being « fat-ophobia ». Well that was not the case: I was teaching her that in the ED it’s an opportunity to do some screening for illnesses that might not be managed medically yet. In this case obesity in a child. Obesity is a very serious disease so I take it very seriously. I make it a duty to make sure that the child has proper medical care. I don’t do it myself I just check tactfully and softly if the child is being taken care of medically in this regard. I’ve seen obese 9 year old whose parents were not aware of the problem.
Anyway she disempowered me publicly on false grounds. And it was not the first time she was challenging me.
So what I do now: I withdraw my attention on purpose. That is I focus on the job at hand and don’t make any effort to include her. I don’t exclude her I don’t shame her but I withdraw my attention.
I know it sounds dark side-ish and it is in a way. It is a form of social punishment. As I learn the tools of power in my new job I am faced with how to deal with agression from a place of power.
And ignoring becomes a weapon. In a sense it is passive aggressive and in a sense it is not. That is if she behaves well (according to me) I give her my attention. So it’s more about withholding a reward than hurting. It’s more about operant conditioning.
What I’m learning in my new role is that you can reason with people but what they respond most to are (emotional) punishment and rewards. The good thing is that they’re free.
I’m aware this might sound manipulative but these are also some tools that I have to learn how to use. Just like parents cannot always negotiate with their children before going to bed and must threaten or cajole. I’m now in the same position: I love people and my colleagues. Some of them that I have to punish/cajole (appeal to their self-interest for instance) if I cannot reason nor influence them. I’m experimenting here.

Another idea (sorry for the string of posts) that I got today is the power of attention.

There is this female intern who I taught a lot of things and gave her a lot of time and attention at my job. However she did not reward me well as she accused me (indirectly) of being « fat-ophobia ». Well that was not the case: I was teaching her that in the ED it’s an opportunity to do some screening for illnesses that might not be managed medically yet. In this case obesity in a child. Obesity is a very serious disease so I take it very seriously. I make it a duty to make sure that the child has proper medical care. I don’t do it myself I just check tactfully and softly if the child is being taken care of medically in this regard. I’ve seen obese 9 year old whose parents were not aware of the problem.

Anyway she disempowered me publicly on false grounds. And it was not the first time she was challenging me.

So what I do now: I withdraw my attention on purpose. That is I focus on the job at hand and don’t make any effort to include her. I don’t exclude her I don’t shame her but I withdraw my attention.

I know it sounds dark side-ish and it is in a way. It is a form of social punishment. As I learn the tools of power in my new job I am faced with how to deal with agression from a place of power.

And ignoring becomes a weapon. In a sense it is passive aggressive and in a sense it is not. That is if she behaves well (according to me) I give her my attention. So it’s more about withholding a reward than hurting. It’s more about operant conditioning.

What I’m learning in my new role is that you can reason with people but what they respond most to are (emotional) punishment and rewards. The good thing is that they’re free.

I’m aware this might sound manipulative but these are also some tools that I have to learn how to use. Just like parents cannot always negotiate with their children before going to bed and must threaten or cajole. I’m now in the same position: I love people and my colleagues. Some of them that I have to punish/cajole (appeal to their self-interest for instance) if I cannot reason nor influence them. I’m experimenting here.

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#315 · July 10, 2023, 9:58 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 10, 2023, 9:58 pm
Quote from John Freeman on July 10, 2023, 8:08 pm
Wow. Just got out of my performance review. In short it's stellar and they offered me a job to continue to work in the medium-term.
I said that I was interested however I was looking for to improve my skills and go abroad. So they still support me and gave me great advice.
So I can say that PU and this forum really changed my life. These are high quality people with 10 years more experience than me and they believe in me.
Yes I did the hard work (and hurtful) of introspection, yes I was the one that got out of bed and went to work everyday. However, you guys pointed me in the right direction. So I feel like I'm much more high-quality and high-value than before and that people want me more than before.
That includes my family, friends and women. No not everyone likes me but most people do and appreciate me. So it is an opportunity to set it as a milestone.
So thank you very much all!
Also, after reading the lesson about Brad Pitt, I change my model from George Clooney to Brad Pitt. He's high power, cool and relaxed. Like a lion really. He lacks the funny-charmer side but I found that this is useful in 10% of situations or in certain social situations for a short time.
People react better to a short burst of funny than in extending it too far. That is when you're not with your close brotherhood with whom you can shoot the shit. Then all bets are off and it's about making one another laugh.
But in most social setting it's about being half-serious, half-light most of the time with short burst of being funny.
People react very well to the calm, relaxed, focused type. As long as you're warm with them.
Nice!
Awesome and so happy to read, rock on John!
Seems now you got a tougher choice: a place you like and where they like you, or going somewhere else.
But sounds like one of those good problems to have :).
As for role model, I also like the new choice more: Brad Pitt is a higher power than Clooney and tends to have higher effectiveness, across more situations and environments (and it's ironically probably easier to replicate since you don't have to learn/incorporate as much wittiness).

Quote from John Freeman on July 10, 2023, 8:08 pm
Wow. Just got out of my performance review. In short it's stellar and they offered me a job to continue to work in the medium-term.
I said that I was interested however I was looking for to improve my skills and go abroad. So they still support me and gave me great advice.
So I can say that PU and this forum really changed my life. These are high quality people with 10 years more experience than me and they believe in me.
Yes I did the hard work (and hurtful) of introspection, yes I was the one that got out of bed and went to work everyday. However, you guys pointed me in the right direction. So I feel like I'm much more high-quality and high-value than before and that people want me more than before.
That includes my family, friends and women. No not everyone likes me but most people do and appreciate me. So it is an opportunity to set it as a milestone.
So thank you very much all!
Also, after reading the lesson about Brad Pitt, I change my model from George Clooney to Brad Pitt. He's high power, cool and relaxed. Like a lion really. He lacks the funny-charmer side but I found that this is useful in 10% of situations or in certain social situations for a short time.
People react better to a short burst of funny than in extending it too far. That is when you're not with your close brotherhood with whom you can shoot the shit. Then all bets are off and it's about making one another laugh.
But in most social setting it's about being half-serious, half-light most of the time with short burst of being funny.
People react very well to the calm, relaxed, focused type. As long as you're warm with them.

Nice!

Awesome and so happy to read, rock on John!

Seems now you got a tougher choice: a place you like and where they like you, or going somewhere else.
But sounds like one of those good problems to have :).

As for role model, I also like the new choice more: Brad Pitt is a higher power than Clooney and tends to have higher effectiveness, across more situations and environments (and it's ironically probably easier to replicate since you don't have to learn/incorporate as much wittiness).

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#316 · July 12, 2023, 11:29 am

Thank you Lucio!

Had a realization today about how I feel bored and neither happy nor unhappy.

I need to make progress in my life and I need to make changes. I mean progress in my personal life. That means I need to put effort rather than letting myself "float" through the current comfort. I need challenges. I've been putting off many changes until now. I hope I will find the strength to address them as I know I've been talking a lot about it but not putting enough effort into it.

#317 · July 12, 2023, 12:10 pm

Quote from John Freeman on July 12, 2023, 12:10 pm
Addendum: that is to “look in the mirror”. To confront my self-disempowering behaviours and the mindsets that go with it. I had a good run lately so I built up the self-esteem and confidence that I can now “spend” to address this. I said recently that for the moment I did not feel like introspecting for the moment but that it would come in the future. Well, now it’s not really about introspection as in self-reflection. I did enough of that. It’s about change as in changing behaviours. I don’t need more information. I need more action through effort and willpower. I did good things for my life but I still am also wasting time and not moving forward enough for my taste.
I understand that change is not as easy as “willing oneself” into it. There are “demons” (intrapsychic conflicts) that prevents us from doing so. But to win against these demons (after having accepting them as existing in us) it’s about fighting them. And to fight them one has to encounter them. That is to meet them at the limit of one’s psyche: the frontier, the comfort zone.
I understand why I avoided it. It’s because it’s painful. And sometimes when we have enough comfort as I feel I have now it’s much easier to avoid this pain because we have a “cushion” a baseline of mood that is enough to live and function.
But as human beings our inner existential life cannot lie: if we feel deep inside that something is missing or is “wrong” then the pain won’t go away until we address it. This is all in stages.
So I feel like now in the hero’s journey I’m at the part of the cycle when I returned home. And my heart desires adventure and growth. I am scared as change is scary. As I feel I’ve changed recently when becoming an attending and becoming more into “the adult self” I feel like now if I continue to avoid change I will avoid my own life.
So I must use this new more mature “adult self” as a stepping stone to change with more willpower and more even mood and emotions. So that is less emotional obstacles leading to procrastination. Since now I feel like it’s easier for me to do things I don’t feel like doing (duty, self-duty) then the logical conclusion is that it’s up to me whether I do it or not.
Maybe I’m being too harsh with myself but if I’m not how can I expect to move forward? It’s the time when I need to “kick my own ass” as Tom Bilyeu says in order to move forward. Complacency and laziness are not my allies. Yes I deserved a calmer time after all the craziness of the past 20 years. But now I feel is the time to summon my inner hero in order to move forward.
It’s in my hands. It’s up to me. The excuses I make are the nails in the coffin of my dreams.
There is no growth without pain as our brain try to conserve energy and keep homeostasis. So we have to force it to change. The trick is not to enter masochistic territory like Goggins. But as a price to pay to reach our goals: change requires effort and effort is painful. It’s about setting realistic goals, caring for me and doing what’s necessary. I can now see better the balance now.

Addendum: that is to “look in the mirror”. To confront my self-disempowering behaviours and the mindsets that go with it. I had a good run lately so I built up the self-esteem and confidence that I can now “spend” to address this. I said recently that for the moment I did not feel like introspecting for the moment but that it would come in the future. Well, now it’s not really about introspection as in self-reflection. I did enough of that. It’s about change as in changing behaviours. I don’t need more information. I need more action through effort and willpower. I did good things for my life but I still am also wasting time and not moving forward enough for my taste.

I understand that change is not as easy as “willing oneself” into it. There are “demons” (intrapsychic conflicts) that prevents us from doing so. But to win against these demons (after having accepting them as existing in us) it’s about fighting them. And to fight them one has to encounter them. That is to meet them at the limit of one’s psyche: the frontier, the comfort zone.

I understand why I avoided it. It’s because it’s painful. And sometimes when we have enough comfort as I feel I have now it’s much easier to avoid this pain because we have a “cushion” a baseline of mood that is enough to live and function.

But as human beings our inner existential life cannot lie: if we feel deep inside that something is missing or is “wrong” then the pain won’t go away until we address it. This is all in stages.

So I feel like now in the hero’s journey I’m at the part of the cycle when I returned home. And my heart desires adventure and growth. I am scared as change is scary. As I feel I’ve changed recently when becoming an attending and becoming more into “the adult self” I feel like now if I continue to avoid change I will avoid my own life.

So I must use this new more mature “adult self” as a stepping stone to change with more willpower and more even mood and emotions. So that is less emotional obstacles leading to procrastination. Since now I feel like it’s easier for me to do things I don’t feel like doing (duty, self-duty) then the logical conclusion is that it’s up to me whether I do it or not.

Maybe I’m being too harsh with myself but if I’m not how can I expect to move forward? It’s the time when I need to “kick my own ass” as Tom Bilyeu says in order to move forward. Complacency and laziness are not my allies. Yes I deserved a calmer time after all the craziness of the past 20 years. But now I feel is the time to summon my inner hero in order to move forward.

It’s in my hands. It’s up to me. The excuses I make are the nails in the coffin of my dreams.

There is no growth without pain as our brain try to conserve energy and keep homeostasis. So we have to force it to change. The trick is not to enter masochistic territory like Goggins. But as a price to pay to reach our goals: change requires effort and effort is painful. It’s about setting realistic goals, caring for me and doing what’s necessary. I can now see better the balance now.

#318 · July 12, 2023, 12:44 pm

Despite my supervisors being very happy I feel like underperforming at work and in my life. I’m not happy with myself in terms of my results. I also realized that I’m happy when I’m growing, Tony Robbins was right. I hate stagnation. And to feel like I’m growing I must “leave it all out on the field” as Tom Bilyeu says. I’m not talking about the toxic aspect of it. If I feel I did not do my best, pushing myself I’m dissatisfied. Being an attending is nice. But it’s shit if I don’t go with being the best attending I can be. That’s how I’m wired: I deeply feel the need for of feeling like I’m making progress.

PS: it seems the editing window has been changed to 30min.

#319 · July 13, 2023, 10:45 am

Quote from John Freeman on July 10, 2023, 9:54 pm
There is this female intern who I taught a lot of things and gave her a lot of time and attention at my job. However she did not reward me well as she accused me (indirectly) of being « fat-ophobia ». Well that was not the case: I was teaching her that in the ED it’s an opportunity to do some screening for illnesses that might not be managed medically yet. In this case obesity in a child. Obesity is a very serious disease so I take it very seriously. I make it a duty to make sure that the child has proper medical care. I don’t do it myself I just check tactfully and softly if the child is being taken care of medically in this regard. I’ve seen obese 9 year old whose parents were not aware of the problem.

Sounds like she was being the woke virtue-signaling type.

She wanted to display her virtue, she only displayed she was being a poor doctor (in that instance, at least).

Still, may harm you a bit, so surfacing it like you just did here may be a good approach.

Quote from John Freeman on July 12, 2023, 11:29 am
Thank you Lucio!
Had a realization today about how I feel bored and neither happy nor unhappy.
I need to make progress in my life and I need to make changes. I mean progress in my personal life. That means I need to put effort rather than letting myself "float" through the current comfort. I need challenges. I've been putting off many changes until now. I hope I will find the strength to address them as I know I've been talking a lot about it but not putting enough effort into it.

Random thought on this:

I'd consider not seeking "happiness" at all.

Progress, that may be a better goal.

(My very personal opinion).

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#320 · July 13, 2023, 5:30 pm

Yes, she was the woke-feminist-virtue signaling type.

Thanks for your suggestion of going for growth. That is actually what I can control: the effort I put into growing. "Aha" moment.