Quote from John Freeman on August 19, 2023, 1:36 pm

Yesterday I was at a bar.

A girl asked me for a filter to roll a cigarette.

I gave her a bunch of them (10-15).

They’re cheap and in my mind smoking is harmful so it has even low value to me. But smoking is a personal choice/addiction so it’s a bit different.

Anyway she told me:

Her: it’s cute

That’s when I knew I made a mistake.

1. She takes the judge role.
2. She does not say “thanks”

It’s all my responsibility Because I over-gave. I could have given her 2-5 (giving one is cheap and she will smoke more than 1 cigarette this night). By giving too much I framed her as higher value than me: people give more to the higher value person.

When I gave a lot maybe it was because unconsciously it was because she’s a woman. Maybe not who knows.

Anyway her saying “it’s cute”shows that there was indeed some intersexual dynamics going on.

So I played right in the “women have more value than men” frame.

Next time I’ll give the person about 5 filters.

I could have used “my pleasure” since there was no “thanks” no value acknowledged.

Quote from John Freeman on August 21, 2023, 7:22 pm

I understand what the hero’s journey is about.  It’s about self-transformation. The hero is a term I don’t like so much though. It implies some kind of superiority.

I think it’s about the human journey. Making mistakes, getting lost, hurting others, hurting oneself. It’s all part of it.

All the fuck ups, our own stupidty, greed, selfishness. It’s all part of it.

The real error is in not facing it. It does have a cost of course. But the price is worth the reward: the self. Being and becoming a person our own child-self would admire and aspire to be. The dream is in becoming.

The times when I felt the worse were when I refused to move forward. Refused to go in the trenches and fight. The World is both beautiful and horrible. This site is all about this. It seems that there is a constant back and forth in me between the killer and the artist. I’ve not found a way to escape it yet. To have the determination to move forward no matter what it takes. And at the same time shed a tear on witnessing the love between a mother and a child.

I think the reason is that I preferred to listen to the inner story that I’m weak instead of the one saying I’m strong. I did not want to put the effort in. I envied my friends who had things I had not.

I was wrong.

It is a choice. I decided it all. It was all excuses. I can achieve the changes I’m striving for. I can feel it.

As crazy at it sounds, every step forward makes me more humble. About my own limitations. And the ones I chose because it’s more comfortable. It’s more comfortable to tell oneself lies than to face the difficulty. The easy way.

The balance I’m looking for is the dance between the battlefield and the beauty. I can see it now. I need both. Too much of one or the other and I get lost.

It’s true: it’s about the journey. I believe it now. There is no destination. Nothing to reach. All we do is reaching out.

All we have is a string of moments.

Quote from John Freeman on August 22, 2023, 5:41 am

Yesterday at our executive meeting at the hospital I did a small mistake: my computer was open with the "Machiavellian" lessons open from PU and my supervisor read some of it. I think it's not too bad and he's going to forget about it in a few weeks.

During this meeting I could this time identify 100% my rival. Let's call him "Germain". He's another attending from Cameroon. Cool and smart but a power player for sure.

For instance, I add on his recommendation (he was right BTW, goes back to Transitioned's post about tasking at work) 2 other attendings in our WA group. These attendings were working 100% of the time at the pediatrician office but soon are going to join hospital shifts as they did in the past. I welcome them in the group I created.

Me: Hello X and Y, welcome!

Her: Hello! I hope you are all well!

Germain: Hlo Doc (he shortens his greetings in French, like: "Gd vng" for good evening for instance: minimizes investment). Happy to read you. We are fine.

So:

1. He's talking for the 3 of us: this is just plain rude.
2. He's talking for us about how we are doing: he does not know, who is he to talk about how we are feeling?

So plain rude, power move. To me this is becoming dark orange PM. So I cannot invest too much and will ignore him:

Me: Hello X and Y, welcome!

Her: Hello! I hope you are all well!

Germain: Hlo Doc (he shortens his greetings in French, like: "Gd vng" for good evening for instance: minimizes investment). Happy to read you. We are fine.

Me (quoting his message): ? (his message is totally inadequate. If I go: "you answer for us now?" It's me buying in his frame and thread expanding. I also go low investment).

Me: I'm fine thanks!

I've been too nice with him and he took advantage of it.

My strategy with him is that I'm going to charm him. My go-to strategy. He thinks I'm his rival because I'm now more visible than him: launched many projects and acted many changes in 4 months and before there was not any project or these changes. So he's envious. I've got to work on that.

Also, I'm going to draw strong boundaries with him. That I'm not to be fucked with.

This meeting was a great success as I proposed 90% of the topics and changes and they were all accepted. So I have to keep the lead in the attending group while keeping a low profile so they don't resent me.

I named him since I'll be speaking about him again, that is quite sure. For instance he tasked me with giving him the next meeting date. He does not know but gave me an opportunity: I'm going to post in the WA group: "I propose you that we meet at X time X date" so I keep the leadership. Also, he could just check his email.

Us doing attending meetings before the executive meeting was one of the ideas that I proposed that got accepted. So he's trying to get credit for things he did not do as well.

A last example: last time I took the minutes. This time I was ready to do so as well: I want to bring value to the group. One of our bosses asked who was going to write the minutes. I said I would: one of them said: "Germain can do it". And he started writing it on paper (instead of computer) against his will (if he can avoid work, better for him).

There was another project about using surgical glue that I proposed. They said who wants to do it: I say "sure". But they said: "yeah but you already have this big project". So the other 2 attendings were trying to hide hoping they would not be chosen for this task. Finally because nobody volunteered they attributed it to the 3rd attending (Norbert, 52 yo, swiss). He reluctantly agreed.

So now the situations is that I have a few sponsors who see me as going high in my career (2 bosses who worked in England, they're going to leave soon). And the 2 other bosses are going to stay long term at this small regional hospital (that I love). So basically I'm trying to advance and they found a comfortable place. So the 2 local bosses are sponsoring the 2 other attendings and the "foreign" bosses are sponsoring me (advice, contacts).

Basically among the 3 attendings, we have 3 different goals:

1. I want a high performance team. My strategy: identifying problems, the stakeholders and start to solve them. Also, I pull people up and teach them tons.
2. Germain wants to shine and move up.
3. Norbert wants comfort and security.

What I have to be careful with is that Norbert has been there for 2 years. So it's his territory. But he's quite soft, shy and not driven. When they told me about him before I arrived I thought: "wow, everybody talks about this guy. He must be very good". I was a bit scared. Well, not at all. He's quite average and it's hard to believe he's been working there for 2 years as an attending.

So among the 3 attending on average I'm better. That's actually quite sad because I would have loved to learn from my peers. The truth is that I'm the one teaching them the large majority of the time. Stuff about hospital protocols they've been working in longer than me.

So even if I love this hospital for its friendliness, openness, etc. my ambition to be a great pediatrician will not be achieved by staying there. The 2 pediatricians leaving are the best ones among the 4 staff physicians and I don't know who the next 2 bosses are going to be.

That being said, I'm grateful to have worked with these 2 pediatricians who worked in England. They're excellent and I learned a lot from them.

I have several other examples (among others):

• I organized a picnic (they never do that, loved it and want to do it again)
• I tidied our common office and asked for new office "tools" to the secretaries
• I made an organizer out of the sheets of paper that were taped everywhere in the office

So I clearly appear as the group's leader to management and I'm holding the attending team to a higher standard. The risk is that they resent me if that's not already the case. So the strategy in this case is to increase warmth and make them feel good about themselves.

Quote from John Freeman on August 22, 2023, 8:42 pm

Hello TPM community,

here is an example of his power moves. He wrote the minutes and sent them at 2am this morning. So kudos to him for having written them down. But since it was a political topic I understand.

In the minutes, the first things I noticed was that about a point I could not follow up last time when I took the minutes. I did not know I would be the one who would take them (I volunteered) so I had to write on my phone and it was challenging. Here he reports what we said:

Germain: the topic "X" was not present in the last minutes

John: could not follow with note taking

Staff physician: not a serious issue, because there are discussion moments with pediatricians from X

So here he frames me as incompetent: "could not follow with note taking". He played a "correcting you" power move during the meeting without any power protection.

He could have chosen other words to express that. So when I read it I was angry because it clearly felt like an attack. He highlighted what I did not do. He could have power protected and did not. Not cool. So I let go of my emotions, got back into social strategist mode and thought about what would an eagle do.

He asked us for our "amendments" instead of "modifications" or "corrections". So covert one-up (framing himself as not needing modifications nor corrections but just amendments). So I thought let's be professional and since he asked for corrections I will send him mine (correct you power move back):

Germain: the topic "X" was not present in the last minutes

John: did not follow the exchanges

Staff physician: Ok, because there are discussion moments with pediatricians from X

Same meaning but I self-power-protect. The net result is the same and the impact is the same: zero. The bosses actually did not care at all that I did not write the minutes. It had no consequence at all. So he tried to make me look bad for something that our bosses did not care at all. That's why it felt like an attack: he emphasized a mistake from an act of goodwill which had no consequences. The only slight detail is that I changed the text he reported for our boss. So he can always use this later and paint me as "petty". But I have a good record with everyone regarding my honesty and involvement so it should frame him as envious if he does that.

Also, I introduced most topics during the meeting to give some context. Guess what: my inputs magically disappeared from the minutes. That he tries to lower my importance that's for one. However, my interventions were giving context to why the topic was discussed. So removing it removed meaning. So it felt totally normal to correct it. I added what I said (and also what some other said that he forgot to add) but not for all topics. Not to seem like it's about "me, me, me" which will be his angle of attack of course.

I felt like I had to defend, we will see how he will react.

I already know he's pissed off because I proposed a meeting with 5 of us the attendings and he's the only one who did not respond.

So I'm slowly making an enemy and it's a big mistake. I will improve this relationship. However, the tasking, the power moves: this guy will not be an ally nor a brother-in-arms. However I will bring the relationship to cordial and respectful.

My intent is to communicate: "I'm not to be fucked with".

So now I have to go to more democratic and warm. So I put everyone in the group as group admin. It's a small step but a step to show that I'm not in there to dominate anyone. Also I added the two other attending, so it will dilute the 2+1 dynamics currently in place.

In my email to him with the corrections I wrote (with everyone in copy so he cannot mess with my modifications):

Dear Germain,

thanks for the minutes.

I did a few modifs (context, etc.)

Here is the final minutes from our last meeting.

Have a good day,

John

Happy to read if someone has any feed-back on this one. For instance if you feel like I've been too domineering or not politically savvy enough.

I did it with my own resources but I'm not sure my strategy/way of doing was the best course of action.

Quote from Transitioned on August 22, 2023, 9:48 pm

On minutes he who takes the minutes controls the actions.  How about you ask an Exec if you can borrow an EA to take the minutes.  Say you ll work with them.  And say that will free up everyone to concentrate on the topics.  You meet with the EA to 'review' aka get what you want.  If you can pull this off its got some obvious  benefits.  Starting with heading off his bureaucrat power moves.

Quote from John Freeman on August 22, 2023, 10:22 pm

Boom! Amen to that.

Thanks, Transitioned. That's what I'm learning thanks to you with this: there's power in taking the minutes.

To me, before today it was a chore that nobody wanted to do. So I volunteered to give value to the group. Now I see it differently.

PS: I just don't know what's an EA.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 22, 2023, 10:38 pm

Quote from John Freeman on August 17, 2023, 8:12 pm

At the beginning, we were only 2 me and my colleague and the power player female resident (26 years old) comes in as I was sitting behind a tree:

Her: You're hiding behind the tree

I was a bit taken aback. Basically yes I was not in line of sight from where people were coming from. But my other colleague was and I sent live location + 2 photos. So it was a jab.

Next time

Her: You're hiding behind the tree

Me: What a strange way to say hello

Light shaming and surfacing.

Apologies for resuming a relatively old exchange (sometimes I read on mobile, think about some replies, but forget once PC).

But what I thought at the time was:

Her: You're hiding behind the tree
You: Yeah, too bad you saw me, wanted to hear if you'd gossip / run your mouth about us

Keeps the joke up, BUT changes the frame to you being the boss and checking on her, and her being untrustworthy.

Quote from John Freeman on August 22, 2023, 10:53 pm

All good, man. :) Thanks for your answer!

I think this one is wicked (in a good way). This is the kind of frame I will start introducing: "You want to joke with frames? Let's joke with frames."

Like the: "there is no single drop left." and we just hear the shell ringing as it hits the ground and the bullet hits.

Quote from John Freeman on August 23, 2023, 5:10 am

Note: with his latest power moves, now I definitely know I won't be sharing my knowledge with him anymore.

@transitioned: I imagine an EA is an executive assistant. If that's the case they're not supposed to be at this meeting as it's kind of secret. The info is supposed to stay only within our group.