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My Journey to Power

#471 · October 16, 2023, 6:25 pm

Quote from Kavalier on October 16, 2023, 6:25 pm
Quote from John Freeman on October 16, 2023, 8:23 am
Resident stick her tongue out to me
At work we were joking around with a female resident. She's a bit immature, nerdy, kawai, manga and all that stuff.
Her: [her sticks her tongue out in a childish manner responding to my friendly tease (was not too strong nor demeaning)]
Me: it's not pretty to stick your tongue out
Her: [does it again]
Here I let it slip. The reason is that the intention behind it was not mean. It was childish. I considered telling her later in 1-on-1: "you know you cannot stick your tongue out to colleagues at work. It's not appropriate. Especially to your attending". But I let it go. It's not that serious even if it's disrepectful. It's more inadequate than mean. I think it would have been appropriate to tell her 1-on-1 but they already get a lot of criticism on their work (they're beginners) and she has a fragile ego. So strategically it's better even if for my own self-respect it's worse. So lose-win but acceptable I think.
Next time I will tell her. Now too much time has passed so it's on me for not having spoken out sooner.
Hello, John! Reading this made me ask myself whether she was not just teasing you back (though, sure, you have more context). In my interpretation, this is either good (she accepts the teasing and contributes to the bantering) or harmless (if she meant disrespect, it would have been more detrimental to her, as it would have framed herself as really - instead of playfully - childlike while not adequately challenging your frame). In either case, I think that just smiling while shaking your head, still keeping the playful tone, would have been an appropriate response to her second tongue,
I think 1-on-1 would be appropriate only if she did it in a more serious context (e.g, you discussing a mistake she made and then she suddenly sticks her tongue out). Otherwise, one can also counter that it's not appropriate to tease colleagues at work.
Quote from John Freeman on October 16, 2023, 8:35 am
Later we meet them again as I'm making fun of her with a friend who would have destroyed her. She overhears it: "You're still talking about it" (power move, frame "you're so invested in this/us?"). I say: "Well there is matter to laugh" (I see my mistake now: I entered her frame. That's what I must absolutely master: not enter other's frames).
And here I think your answer was a good one. I interpreted it as a form of agreeing and redirecting on your part, while actually challenging her frame:
You're still talking about it (you both agree. It's undeniable anyway)
Because you're so invested in us (her frame) vs because it's fucking laughable (your frame)

Quote from John Freeman on October 16, 2023, 8:23 am
Resident stick her tongue out to me
At work we were joking around with a female resident. She's a bit immature, nerdy, kawai, manga and all that stuff.
Her: [her sticks her tongue out in a childish manner responding to my friendly tease (was not too strong nor demeaning)]
Me: it's not pretty to stick your tongue out
Her: [does it again]
Here I let it slip. The reason is that the intention behind it was not mean. It was childish. I considered telling her later in 1-on-1: "you know you cannot stick your tongue out to colleagues at work. It's not appropriate. Especially to your attending". But I let it go. It's not that serious even if it's disrepectful. It's more inadequate than mean. I think it would have been appropriate to tell her 1-on-1 but they already get a lot of criticism on their work (they're beginners) and she has a fragile ego. So strategically it's better even if for my own self-respect it's worse. So lose-win but acceptable I think.
Next time I will tell her. Now too much time has passed so it's on me for not having spoken out sooner.

Hello, John! Reading this made me ask myself whether she was not just teasing you back (though, sure, you have more context). In my interpretation, this is either good (she accepts the teasing and contributes to the bantering) or harmless (if she meant disrespect, it would have been more detrimental to her, as it would have framed herself as really - instead of playfully - childlike while not adequately challenging your frame). In either case, I think that just smiling while shaking your head, still keeping the playful tone, would have been an appropriate response to her second tongue,

I think 1-on-1 would be appropriate only if she did it in a more serious context (e.g, you discussing a mistake she made and then she suddenly sticks her tongue out). Otherwise, one can also counter that it's not appropriate to tease colleagues at work.

Quote from John Freeman on October 16, 2023, 8:35 am
Later we meet them again as I'm making fun of her with a friend who would have destroyed her. She overhears it: "You're still talking about it" (power move, frame "you're so invested in this/us?"). I say: "Well there is matter to laugh" (I see my mistake now: I entered her frame. That's what I must absolutely master: not enter other's frames).

And here I think your answer was a good one. I interpreted it as a form of agreeing and redirecting on your part, while actually challenging her frame:

You're still talking about it (you both agree. It's undeniable anyway)
Because you're so invested in us (her frame) vs because it's fucking laughable (your frame)

John Freeman, Roberto and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#472 · October 16, 2023, 9:01 pm

Hello Kavalier!

Thank you for your answer!

I think you're totally right and it's one of those cases where I took as a disrespect which was not. I think your use case about when it's appropriate to assert boundaries is a perfect example of when to do it.

And here I think your answer was a good one. I interpreted it as a form of agreeing and redirecting on your part, while actually challenging her frame:
You're still talking about it (you both agree. It's undeniable anyway)
Because you're so invested in us (her frame) vs because it's fucking laughable (your frame)

Thank you for your analysis, I did it unconsciously but I think you're spot on.

Kavalier, Roberto and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#473 · October 17, 2023, 4:52 pm

Now that I found out that my friends are not close friends it’s liberating. They’re friends for fun. Now that I accept that I’ve been snubbed by women despite having qualities. Now that I accept that my sister has not been nice to for a long time it’s liberating. I don’t owe them any loyalty apart the one that I choose to feel. So it’s up to me.

I embrace a new individualism.

I’m happy to be back in monk mode and on the journey towards my goals!

Power is on my side. (At last).

Thank you guys!

Lucio Buffalmano, Kellvo and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#474 · October 17, 2023, 5:01 pm

Rock on John, sky's the limit!

John Freeman and Kavalier have reacted to this post.

#475 · October 17, 2023, 5:24 pm

I understand I identified with my peer group (again) so it became a ceiling in my personal progress. I did not want the way I dress to be too different, the smoking, etc. So I was leveling but down.

I’ll focus on my growth and let the chip fall wherever they may.

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#476 · October 17, 2023, 5:26 pm

Thank you Power Duck! Indeed! It’s all in our head: what we think we can achieve and what we think we deserve. Which is not the same as what we can achieve and what we deserve (which is basically up to us).

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#477 · October 17, 2023, 9:16 pm

I updated today my LinkedIn profile my degree in pediatrics and LinkedIn proposed me to advertise it.

It was not my initial intention but thought: why not? And did so.

Later I speak with a friend on the phone and he tells me that one of our French friends (whom I consider to be one I can trust) commented on me posting it in a WA group where I'm not present:

Him: did he not have his degree 2 weeks ago?

I was quite disappointed. I thought I could trust him and he was a real friend (as I know he's not a close friend).

So this motivates me to go higher and higher and leave everyone in the dust.

He's also the one who talked shit about another friend's back when he broke up: saying that he was a fuckboy and all. So now I've tasted the medicine. I know that he can gossip behind my back. He did not even have to do it.

Also my friend whom I talked on the phone social climbed on me when he said that it's a group that I'm not part of. I did not thread expand on.

As a reminder I'm the one who introduced them to one another. It's cool if they develop a friendship but talk shit behind my back in a group where I'm not whereas I helped you become friends: not cool.

Lucio Buffalmano, Ali Scarlett and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#478 · October 18, 2023, 9:25 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 18, 2023, 9:25 pm
Today I got good news: my supervisor gave me tons of tips on what to do next in my career and how to do it.
She said that for me the next step is going abroad. That's what helped her go to the next level. People told her: "you have the best resume of the region". She also told me everything changed for her after she did a year in London in the emergency department. Her confidence, knowledge, etc.
So great great intel.
She has contacts in Melbourne (which I'm going to in March) and in London. She's willing to introduce me.
I realised that if I want to advance in my career in order to get to the next level it's about going abroad. I don't know how I'll use this information yet but I totally agree. So the real question is: am I willing to go for this next challenge? Am I willing to pay the price?
Well, maybe there's a lot to gain for me. (Without complaining) I'm not making too much progress on my dating life here and now I don't think anymore that my friends are worth staying. So I think the best opportunity for me is to challenge myself.
Of course I could change my mind and go back to the university hospital I was but now I know that is not how I am going to set myself apart. So if I want to work in the (very in demand) paediatric emergency in Geneva I think that might be the entry ticket. At least it can only increase my chances to go up: in skills, in status, in money, in power (more choices).
But as usual the question comes: "am I going to do this crazy choice AGAIN? (taking risks, leaving safety)". Well, it's either up or down. Stagnation will leave me frustrated. I'll have a comfortable life with not too many challenges. I can find a safe spot.
Actually I have a position at my old university hospital in child protection if I want. But I don't.
So I see life is giving me opportunities. I think when I'll travel to Melbourne it will help me see clearer (or not). With her advice I don't need more info: to get recognition in Switzerland and move up in medicine I need to go abroad. I already observed it but the way she said the benefits it brought her was an "aha" moment.
She said 2 years is fine.
So yeah, it's up to me. In the short term, I still need a job! So I'm applying to other places.

Today I got good news: my supervisor gave me tons of tips on what to do next in my career and how to do it.

She said that for me the next step is going abroad. That's what helped her go to the next level. People told her: "you have the best resume of the region". She also told me everything changed for her after she did a year in London in the emergency department. Her confidence, knowledge, etc.

So great great intel.

She has contacts in Melbourne (which I'm going to in March) and in London. She's willing to introduce me.

I realised that if I want to advance in my career in order to get to the next level it's about going abroad. I don't know how I'll use this information yet but I totally agree. So the real question is: am I willing to go for this next challenge? Am I willing to pay the price?

Well, maybe there's a lot to gain for me. (Without complaining) I'm not making too much progress on my dating life here and now I don't think anymore that my friends are worth staying. So I think the best opportunity for me is to challenge myself.

Of course I could change my mind and go back to the university hospital I was but now I know that is not how I am going to set myself apart. So if I want to work in the (very in demand) paediatric emergency in Geneva I think that might be the entry ticket. At least it can only increase my chances to go up: in skills, in status, in money, in power (more choices).

But as usual the question comes: "am I going to do this crazy choice AGAIN? (taking risks, leaving safety)". Well, it's either up or down. Stagnation will leave me frustrated. I'll have a comfortable life with not too many challenges. I can find a safe spot.

Actually I have a position at my old university hospital in child protection if I want. But I don't.

So I see life is giving me opportunities. I think when I'll travel to Melbourne it will help me see clearer (or not). With her advice I don't need more info: to get recognition in Switzerland and move up in medicine I need to go abroad. I already observed it but the way she said the benefits it brought her was an "aha" moment.

She said 2 years is fine.

So yeah, it's up to me. In the short term, I still need a job! So I'm applying to other places.

Lucio Buffalmano and Kavalier have reacted to this post.

#479 · October 20, 2023, 2:41 pm

Thanks to Lucio in his recent feed-back in "Feed-backs and Clarifications", I realized how much my (still) approval seeking behaviour was costing me (it was only part of the issue but still).

As a recovering nice guy, I overcame most of it but not all of it. So I'm going to focus on it in order to remove self-sabotaging behaviour.

Lucio Buffalmano and Kavalier have reacted to this post.

#480 · October 20, 2023, 10:02 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 17, 2023, 4:52 pm
Now that I found out that my friends are not close friends it’s liberating. They’re friends for fun. Now that I accept that I’ve been snubbed by women despite having qualities. Now that I accept that my sister has not been nice to for a long time it’s liberating. I don’t owe them any loyalty apart the one that I choose to feel. So it’s up to me.
I embrace a new individualism.
I’m happy to be back in monk mode and on the journey towards my goals!
Power is on my side. (At last).
Thank you guys!

I know its late, but as a man also in Monk Mode, I want to cheer you on and celebrate your achievement. If there is any way I can help, let me know. Have you read Mark Manson's Models: Attract Women Through Honesty yet? In it, he says that the biggest way a man can turn off a woman is by being needy (btw, assholes can be needy too) and the biggest way to attract a woman is to not be needy (and high value, of course, which he covers in depth; he goes over a lot of self-development and 'Inner Game'). I believe the book may be very helpful towards you. :)

Keep rocking on your goals, John Freeman!

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and Kavalier have reacted to this post.