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My Journey to Power
Hello guys,
As I'm coming back from the gym, I understood what I went through in the past year: I got lost. Because I did not know where I was going to be (I did not want to work night and day at the hospital with little to no private life) I was demotivated.
Previously, I had a vision, vision board, a mission statement, etc. Now I do not have anymore.
During my workout I got reminded what gave me the strength and will to accomplish what I did until now: Service. Contribution is a strong value for me. I won't work out as hard if it's to be healthy, thin and muscular. But if I work out with the children suffering in my mind, I give my 100%.
I got reminded that I did all of this for the children. I did all of this to serve sick children suffering.
However, now I am at a point in my life where I'm starting to see how I can reconcile both. I can serve children in need and have a good personal life.
I do not have to waste my personal free time watching YouTube. I can use it to play bass. I realised that all this time I've been blaming medicine for taking my personal life, it was actually me who took it away from myself. I got brainwashed and accepted the brainwashing. I accepted to be a slave.
In the past 2 years, thanks to Lucio and this community I grew a lot. Now I can see that it's in my hands.
I can be an excellent paediatrician and have a fulfilling private life. It does not have to be one or the other. It might sound simple, however it's different when it becomes something that looks attainable. I listened too much to all the negativity from the people above me.
Because they made such a choice, it does not mean I have to do the same.
There is a middle way. I'm getting closer. Once I'm done with these exams I will build a new vision for my life. One that fits me. Not one that comes from my supervisors, my family, nor my friends. A Life for me.
I'm putting the pieces together, slowly but surely.
Boom, great stuff John, really glad to read that.
Thanks a lot! I'm fighting the fight for my inner freedom!
Writing everything I wrote above, I also realised that I also need to learn to do these things for me first. I think this goes back to self-love. It's easier for me to do things for others than for me, thanks to my parental conditioning and/or my character. So there is room for improvement here. I'm not aiming to be perfect. If this to be one of my flaws, so be it.
Also, I realised in the past year, the huge importance of a positive work environment. It is not to be underestimated.
After having worked out the past 2 days, I can already feel more energy and motivation. This is a mistake I've done again and again: to not work out in order to "save time". Actually, it's the opposite since we have less energy, therefore we have less time to be productive.
Enlarging my social circle and improving my relationships have had 2 benefits:
1. People are coming more towards me now. In the past it was about 100% of the time me taking the initiative to contact them. I am slowly but surely becoming the first person they contact to do things. I think not contacting them every week has has a positive effect on that. Since I can ask other people I see them less often and this create scarcity. Not fake but real scarcity.
2. I can enforce better my boundaries (time of event, etc.) because I don’t need so much other people as before. I have more say in who I choose and I can also choose to rest. So more options means more power.
The key is consistency: to do a social event at least once a week. Twice if time/energy/priorities permit.
Doing SU, I'm realising that these concepts also apply to friendship. I was chasing too much my friends. This created a power imbalance and this is why I had to solve it with expanding my social circle. I was also investing too much (spending lots of time to cook meals for them), which I decreased as I realized that the value I was giving was already enough. A good meal or even order a meal  is ok as I was providing the people, the mood, the place, board games and the evening idea.
Quote from John Freeman on June 11, 2022, 9:11 pmDoing SU, I'm realising that these concepts also apply to friendship. I was chasing too much my friends. This created a power imbalance and this is why I had to solve it with expanding my social circle. I was also investing too much (spending lots of time to cook meals for them), which I decreased as I realized that the value I was giving was already enough. A good meal or even order a meal  is ok as I was providing the people, the mood, the place, board games and the evening idea.
Great point John, thank you for sharing this!
Maybe should make an intro in the intro of both PU and SU that, albeit intensity and "how much they matter" varies, many foundational power dynamics apply to all socialization.
Yes, you could say this for sure! Another suggestion would be to develop the framework of Investing-Qualifying-etc. for work and friendship.
Because doing SU I also realized that some colleagues actually self-rejected because of too much power and not enough warmth. They self-protected when they thought “he thinks he’s too good for us ».
I have to think more about it but this framework does apply to friendship that is sure. Compared to work situations, there are also similarities but it’s more complex to adapt.
My pretty female nurse colleague IS a nasty game player
Hello guys,
I'm sure you remember I had a lot of challenges with a group of nasty game players that are nurses in a pediatric emergency department. Well, I learned to manage them. However, I try to keep them as far as possible.
Today, I randomly saw one of these nurse colleagues (she's pretty but she's a game player so I never tried anything with her). She's sitting at a terrace and I'm guessing she's with other colleagues from the hospital. I say "hi" from far. As I decided to increase my warmth with them in order to improve my relationship with them, I go closer to say hello.
As I arrive I greet her, another colleague (50ish sweetheart female nurse-helper, we have a good relationship) and a woman I don't know.
Me: you guys are enjoying a drink after work?
Her: Exactly
Me: Cool
Her: And you as well?
Me: No, I'm preparing my exam.
Her: Ok, godspeed! (turn her head to speak to the other nurse helper who was still looking at me)
Me: Have a good evening (eyebrow flash to the nurse-helper, leaves)
This was a nasty power move. And it has been my experience that every little interaction with this woman turns out that she disempowers me in some way.
Why is it disempowering? Because usually in social settings we exchange at least a couple pleasantries.
She purposefully turned her head to imply: "he's someone not worth talking to, he's low-value". She mostly signaled this to the third person present to disqualify me before I would even get to know her. I know this group of nurses enjoy talking bad behind my back. I know because they do it to everyone and I witnessed it.
In a way she dismissed me like a noble dismisses a servant: "I stop looking at you, it means I don't need you there anymore." Maybe she did not want me to sit with them. It does not matter it's the same. She was all dolled up so maybe she was waiting for a guy. Anyway this was disrespectful.
My mistake was to accept her frame as me being dismissible by her.
What I should have done differently:
Me: you guys are enjoying a drink after work?
Her: Exactly
Me: Cool
Her: And you as well?
Me: No, I'm preparing my exam.
Her: Ok, godspeed! (turn her head to speak to the other nurse helper who was still looking at me)
Me (looking at the nurse-helper): what about you, how are you?
Her: I'm good thank you.
Me: Well, guys it's been a pleasure, I have to go back home to study more. Cheers!
As I said already, when you are in a position of authority, you trigger even more jealousy and feelings of inferiority from people that have to obey you, think they could do your job and/or don't like you.
My "friend" N. admitted (he's a radiology techician) that he was jealous of doctors because they were giving him orders. So this is commonplace in my job. People with a fragile ego take it personally and maybe she was expecting me to flirt with her at work and I stopped to flirt when I saw her real inner self. So she's still getting revenge from a perceived slight.
How do I think about it?
I'm thinking: "I have to improve" and "these people are really turkeys". I won't avoid them, however I have to remind myself to be ready for nasty games. I was not ready. Also, no way I'm going to work at this pediatric emergency department. The cases are interesting but the nurse team is horrendous.
Another context about her: she's one of these nurses who was doing neonatology and left because it was too much and she wanted to change. The neonatology department in my hospital is quite toxic. So these people learned how to deal with other professionals in a toxic environment. These are the people who do not deserve my authenticity. Also it attracts people who want to save lives (risk of god complex). Anyway...
