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My Journey to Power

#51 · June 16, 2022, 8:11 pm

Quote from John Freeman on June 16, 2022, 8:11 pm
Thanks to SU, I realize that what I was doing wrong with my friends: I was chasing too much.
See: most of them have other friends and family they go to see. Whereas I contact them often, they have busier social life than I do. It's ok. As I already said, I sacrificed a lot to my profession.
So now I realize that if you are the best at your profession but do not have any social life, you're basically a loser since you cannot transfer the benefit gains professionally to the personal realm. It's all good to provide value to other people in our professions. However, if we cannot use the value exchanged to have a great life, it's too bad!
So these conclusions reinforce me in expanding my social circle. In contacting different people every week. My goal is to have other people contact me. That would mean: they're chasing.
It also applies to any relationship. As said in SU, it's normal to lose some power when you get in touch with people, otherwise you stay alone. However, it's important also not to lose too much power. Also the disadvantage is that you lose the initiative and I am most comfortable having the initiative.
My problem is that all the hard-work I've been doing on my character and thinking (lots of improvement still) I cannot reap the rewards because I lack the external power that I neglected: a large social life, being well-dressed, a car.
So I do recommend SU in addition to PU, some dating concepts applies to social life.
The next year is going to be bigger for me. I can feel it as I'm now committed again to my personal development. I was before, but now I am doubling down. It might sound stupid but women do motivate me to improve myself.
I want to be at a point when I'll be in a bed with a beautiful girl and I will look at her and say to myself: "Yes you did it! I knew you could do it."
So now I have to add more warmth in my social life, go back to being more charismatic as I swayed too much the pendulum in direction of Power.
What an inner journey!
Tomorrow I have my exam, I don't know how it's going to go. I worked quite a lot but I'm afraid that it would not be enough. I decide to view it as a learning experience. I already learned that I had to prepare more, but so be it. I'm not perfect.
I learned the past 2 weeks to apply: I only focus on what I can control (i.e. the process).

Thanks to SU, I realize that what I was doing wrong with my friends: I was chasing too much.

See: most of them have other friends and family they go to see. Whereas I contact them often, they have busier social life than I do. It's ok. As I already said, I sacrificed a lot to my profession.

So now I realize that if you are the best at your profession but do not have any social life, you're basically a loser since you cannot transfer the benefit gains professionally to the personal realm. It's all good to provide value to other people in our professions. However, if we cannot use the value exchanged to have a great life, it's too bad!

So these conclusions reinforce me in expanding my social circle. In contacting different people every week. My goal is to have other people contact me. That would mean: they're chasing.

It also applies to any relationship. As said in SU, it's normal to lose some power when you get in touch with people, otherwise you stay alone. However, it's important also not to lose too much power. Also the disadvantage is that you lose the initiative and I am most comfortable having the initiative.

My problem is that all the hard-work I've been doing on my character and thinking (lots of improvement still) I cannot reap the rewards because I lack the external power that I neglected: a large social life, being well-dressed, a car.

So I do recommend SU in addition to PU, some dating concepts applies to social life.

The next year is going to be bigger for me. I can feel it as I'm now committed again to my personal development. I was before, but now I am doubling down. It might sound stupid but women do motivate me to improve myself.

I want to be at a point when I'll be in a bed with a beautiful girl and I will look at her and say to myself: "Yes you did it! I knew you could do it."

So now I have to add more warmth in my social life, go back to being more charismatic as I swayed too much the pendulum in direction of Power.

What an inner journey!

Tomorrow I have my exam, I don't know how it's going to go. I worked quite a lot but I'm afraid that it would not be enough. I decide to view it as a learning experience. I already learned that I had to prepare more, but so be it. I'm not perfect.

I learned the past 2 weeks to apply: I only focus on what I can control (i.e. the process).

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#52 · June 16, 2022, 9:20 pm

Quote from John Freeman on June 16, 2022, 9:20 pm
Edit: as I sit in my bed, I realize that I self-sabotaged. I did not work as much as I could have for this exam. I was sick and tired of always working and studying it's true. However, I realize that many negative behaviours I still engage in have one root cause: self-sabotage. It prevents me from reaching my goals. I feel a bit sad that I had to come to this moment to realize this. Such is life. Don't mistake me I studied hard for this exam, I took 2 weeks from my holidays to prepare for this exa and I studied everyday. I memorised like I never memorised before (I listened previously to books that helped me to understand how to memorise). However I know deep inside I could have done better by starting earlier and by working more.
These exams are a one chance kind of thing. However, I told myself: "If I don't pass, I'll do it next year", which is true and alright. However, this was already the failure to focus on the process and the need to protect my self-worth. I already was visualising myself explaining to people why I did not pass. So I was rehearsing failure. The past week I brainwashed myself ("I can pass, I must pass") and visualised success. However, I feel that despite all my progress in self-development I still have some demons inside of me that do not help in me reaching my full potential.
I understand that life is a journey and that in every failure there is a lesson. I thought I had learned the less of better preparing myself. However, I had not perceived that a deeper layer was behind this lack of preparation: self-sabotage. I think in my life, it cost me many failures, I can see that now. I don't know what my life would have been without this behaviour. It does not matter. What matters is what I have control over now.
I prepared myself, I studied, I can pass this exam.
I understand why I was not doing the maximum. It's not because I'm a minimalist. It's because so I can give myself an out in case of failure. I feel stupid to understand this only now. I hope I won't lose a year of my time (again) because I did not learn this lesson earlier.
The truth is that I did do my best according to my level of awareness and self-development at the moment. I went every day at the library to study. I hope I won't fail only to learn this lesson. I already downloaded the audiobook about stopping self-sabotage.
What was keeping me from working earlier and harder was also me thinking about what would people think if I don't pass. Like I'm not a good paediatrician as they already are thinking.
I'm tired to live like this. I must change. I hope this late realization won't cost me this exam.
Also, there are a few exams that I failed in medicine and one I had to do a year over again. I thought I would never do this mistake again but I'm doing it over and over. It's because I haven't addressed yet the root cause. Time does not matter. It's about actively changing my neurocircuitry.
Whatever happens, I will deal with it.
In my profession, it's always what other people think about you (your reputation). I think I have an ok reputation but that it could be better. I now understand it's in my control. It was all along but I did not want to pay the price. I did not want to go back to the grind. Well, tough news, if I don't go back to the grind, there will be no success.

Edit: as I sit in my bed, I realize that I self-sabotaged. I did not work as much as I could have for this exam. I was sick and tired of always working and studying it's true. However, I realize that many negative behaviours I still engage in have one root cause: self-sabotage. It prevents me from reaching my goals. I feel a bit sad that I had to come to this moment to realize this. Such is life. Don't mistake me I studied hard for this exam, I took 2 weeks from my holidays to prepare for this exa and I studied everyday. I memorised like I never memorised before (I listened previously to books that helped me to understand how to memorise). However I know deep inside I could have done better by starting earlier and by working more.

These exams are a one chance kind of thing. However, I told myself: "If I don't pass, I'll do it next year", which is true and alright. However, this was already the failure to focus on the process and the need to protect my self-worth. I already was visualising myself explaining to people why I did not pass. So I was rehearsing failure. The past week I brainwashed myself ("I can pass, I must pass") and visualised success. However, I feel that despite all my progress in self-development I still have some demons inside of me that do not help in me reaching my full potential.

I understand that life is a journey and that in every failure there is a lesson. I thought I had learned the less of better preparing myself. However, I had not perceived that a deeper layer was behind this lack of preparation: self-sabotage. I think in my life, it cost me many failures, I can see that now. I don't know what my life would have been without this behaviour. It does not matter. What matters is what I have control over now.

I prepared myself, I studied, I can pass this exam.

I understand why I was not doing the maximum. It's not because I'm a minimalist. It's because so I can give myself an out in case of failure. I feel stupid to understand this only now. I hope I won't lose a year of my time (again) because I did not learn this lesson earlier.

The truth is that I did do my best according to my level of awareness and self-development at the moment. I went every day at the library to study. I hope I won't fail only to learn this lesson. I already downloaded the audiobook about stopping self-sabotage.

What was keeping me from working earlier and harder was also me thinking about what would people think if I don't pass. Like I'm not a good paediatrician as they already are thinking.

I'm tired to live like this. I must change. I hope this late realization won't cost me this exam.

Also, there are a few exams that I failed in medicine and one I had to do a year over again. I thought I would never do this mistake again but I'm doing it over and over. It's because I haven't addressed yet the root cause. Time does not matter. It's about actively changing my neurocircuitry.

Whatever happens, I will deal with it.

In my profession, it's always what other people think about you (your reputation). I think I have an ok reputation but that it could be better. I now understand it's in my control. It was all along but I did not want to pay the price. I did not want to go back to the grind. Well, tough news, if I don't go back to the grind, there will be no success.

Lucio Buffalmano, Deleted user and Kavalier have reacted to this post.

#53 · June 18, 2022, 5:04 am

Quote from John Freeman on June 16, 2022, 9:20 pm
What was keeping me from working earlier and harder was also me thinking about what would people think if I don't pass. Like I'm not a good paediatrician as they already are thinking.
I'm tired to live like this. I must change. I hope this late realization won't cost me this exam.

Happened -and happens- a lot to me as well.

It's like "preparing the ground in case of failure, in order to minimize the repercussions of a potential failure".

In a way, it's driven by solid strategy and probably it's evolutionary-programmed: it makes sense to protect one's own reputation, and this is like an "advanced" version of reputation enhancing.
And if one spends just little social time on that "preparation" with a few mentions of how tough it is and how little time one has, it's OK.

Of course, as you noted, it can become maladaptive when the strategy takes over more of our mental cycles and when it goes from "do your best, prepare for the worst" to "prepare for the worst, and then feel free to do less than your best".

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#54 · June 18, 2022, 2:46 pm

Quote from John Freeman on June 18, 2022, 2:46 pm
Thank you for your answer, Lucio! I agree. I am integrating the "I do my best" mindset these days.
That's exactly it. I had the exam yesterday and I think I did not pass. It's ok there is plenty of learning experience here.
I was not ready: I was told that 80% of the exam was about the lectures before the exam. But it was more like 50%. So the 50% that was still there I was lacking knowledge in these particular areas.
I was overworked before the exam, therefore I could not study as much as I could/should have.
During the exam, I stayed stuck on certain answers and did not manage time effectively,
The questions were not clear and were tricky. This was the same for everybody, but some people understand better than me what is expected. For me it has always been a challenge to understand what is expected here.
I took 2 weeks of holidays to prepare this exam: I think it was the right move so I did my best in this regard. However, it's an exam that needs a long-term preparation. I need to learn all paediatrics and it does take a year to do so. Once again, I was not in the best conditions.
I learned that memorising is not that difficult nor painful. I was avoiding it in the past, having trained first as an engineer I had resistance towards learning by heart (framed in my mind as stupid).
This taught me that I have to drop the self-sabotage and get better at time management/action taking to go to the next level of my ability to perform.
If I fail it's not that bad, because I don't have to do a year over again, I can still move forward in my profession.
I realised all the knowledge I'm lacking to be good paediatrician. So it is really a learning opportunity: an opportunity to become better.
I realised that I will have to work my ass off again. There is no way around hard work. Maybe my friends have a different lifestyle and have more free time. I don't and that is how it is. So I will have to limit my time to go out.
I realised I can push myself harder than I thought I could. I had a burnout a year ago and I realized it's only in the past 2 weeks that I finally recovered from it.
I learned that I can actually have a great memory, it's just a matter of cycles of storing-retrieving information. The more I'll do it, the better I'll be at it.
I'm proud that I stuck with it and still did my best. I knew that if I was to pass, there would be luck involved. This shows that my preparation was not up to what is expected.
It is all about the learning. The exam itself is actually just a motivation to learn. It all depends on me.
This was an opportunity to improve my mindset. It does not matter what people think about me if I fail it.
I understand there is balance needed, however I think my balance will have to be 90% work, 10% private life. There is no way around it even if I tried.
I can now picture myself as a great paediatrician. Now I understand what I need to know and master.
All that being said, it is however a huge challenge to prepare such an exam and working at the same time. Me deciding to build this group of resident physician is a crazy idea. However, now I believe that I can do more (Action -> Motivation).
Sometimes I wonder why I did such a choice of a profession. However, as we can see it is a journey full of lesson. My mantra is still: I'm the learner. However, the learner has to act in order to win.
The major drawback is that I will be one year behind my colleagues and that they can end up being my chiefs. I guess in this Life, humility is the lesson I have to learn.
I'm giving myself one day of rest and then I'm going back to my Purpose.

Thank you for your answer, Lucio! I agree. I am integrating the "I do my best" mindset these days.

That's exactly it. I had the exam yesterday and I think I did not pass. It's ok there is plenty of learning experience here.

I was not ready: I was told that 80% of the exam was about the lectures before the exam. But it was more like 50%. So the 50% that was still there I was lacking knowledge in these particular areas.
I was overworked before the exam, therefore I could not study as much as I could/should have.
During the exam, I stayed stuck on certain answers and did not manage time effectively,
The questions were not clear and were tricky. This was the same for everybody, but some people understand better than me what is expected. For me it has always been a challenge to understand what is expected here.
I took 2 weeks of holidays to prepare this exam: I think it was the right move so I did my best in this regard. However, it's an exam that needs a long-term preparation. I need to learn all paediatrics and it does take a year to do so. Once again, I was not in the best conditions.
I learned that memorising is not that difficult nor painful. I was avoiding it in the past, having trained first as an engineer I had resistance towards learning by heart (framed in my mind as stupid).
This taught me that I have to drop the self-sabotage and get better at time management/action taking to go to the next level of my ability to perform.
If I fail it's not that bad, because I don't have to do a year over again, I can still move forward in my profession.
I realised all the knowledge I'm lacking to be good paediatrician. So it is really a learning opportunity: an opportunity to become better.
I realised that I will have to work my ass off again. There is no way around hard work. Maybe my friends have a different lifestyle and have more free time. I don't and that is how it is. So I will have to limit my time to go out.
I realised I can push myself harder than I thought I could. I had a burnout a year ago and I realized it's only in the past 2 weeks that I finally recovered from it.
I learned that I can actually have a great memory, it's just a matter of cycles of storing-retrieving information. The more I'll do it, the better I'll be at it.
I'm proud that I stuck with it and still did my best. I knew that if I was to pass, there would be luck involved. This shows that my preparation was not up to what is expected.
It is all about the learning. The exam itself is actually just a motivation to learn. It all depends on me.
This was an opportunity to improve my mindset. It does not matter what people think about me if I fail it.
I understand there is balance needed, however I think my balance will have to be 90% work, 10% private life. There is no way around it even if I tried.
I can now picture myself as a great paediatrician. Now I understand what I need to know and master.

All that being said, it is however a huge challenge to prepare such an exam and working at the same time. Me deciding to build this group of resident physician is a crazy idea. However, now I believe that I can do more (Action -> Motivation).

Sometimes I wonder why I did such a choice of a profession. However, as we can see it is a journey full of lesson. My mantra is still: I'm the learner. However, the learner has to act in order to win.

The major drawback is that I will be one year behind my colleagues and that they can end up being my chiefs. I guess in this Life, humility is the lesson I have to learn.

I'm giving myself one day of rest and then I'm going back to my Purpose.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#55 · June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm

Quote from John Freeman on June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm
Here are three power moves which I think don't deserve their own threads:
1. It affected you a lot! (condescending tone)
A "friend" (because he's quite jealous and has inferiority complex) thought I was in a bad mood.
Me: "I'm tired, it took me some time to get to sleep" (choosing to be vulnerable)
Him: "It affected you a lot" (talking about the exam, with a condescending tone)
Me: "Not too much" (true, but ends the vulnerability)
Lesson learned: I already saw this with him and other insecure people. If you make yourself vulnerable with them (which is a show of weakness), they're going to go right through the crack. Hopefully, I have now a more anti-fragile mindset so I can deal better with it.
When he asked me how I was, I felt that I should have not open. However I still did because I gave him a chance.
Next time: I will not open up with him, I'll say "It's alright, thanks!"
2. "I'm only an intern, I'm going to ask my supervisor" (mocking tone)
I was at a bar and I said that I just finished an exam. An obese girl was there:
Her: what kind of exam?
Me: Pediatrics (toning it down)
Her (surprised/impressed look in her eyes): ...
Her (mocking tone, expanding on the "I did not do good my exam" thread): I'm a resident physician, I have to ask my supervisor (which is a common occurrence when we are beginners)
I did not answer anything, basically I ignored it.
Next time: "You know that during exams there are no supervisor, right?" (buying into the frame but shaming her) or "What does it have anything to do with the exam?"
3. "He's not too good with technology" (one-up)
I was at a festival with a new friend of mine and another friend. As I was going to pay for our drinks with the QR-code technology, he says to the lady:
Him (coming out of nowhere): he's not too good with technology (mocking tone)
Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
Me: you know I'm a computer engineer, right? (but it was not loud enough, so could not hear it and he did not know)
At this festival, I was low in energy so I was not ready for these kind of one-ups.
Next time: "Well, I'm paying for your drinks, man, be patient!" (reframe with light shaming + tasking)
I know it's an ongoing theme. However, again because of my profession I noticed that I'm sometimes a target for people with inferiority complex. When you represent any kind of authority figure, some people will try to have "a shot at you" because they have trouble relating to you as an equal (their problem, not mine). I know it might sound stupid or self-centered. However I found it to be true. Also some people just don't like doctors. It was the first exchange we had with the obese girl. After that, I asked her how was her day and blablabla. The mechanism I think is: "This makes me feel inferior -> I attack". I think it to be true because It happened to me as well. There was people I felt inferior to and had to have a shot at them.
In SU, Lucio talks about that the higher value you get, the more difficult it is for you to get value from other people. Once again, I find it to be true. It's not bragging as I would prefer it to be false. In my case, I think it has more to be with life experience. I get the most value when I talk with people who are more experienced than me at anything, where I learn something or the person has empathy to listen to me. Sometimes I'm just sitting through conversations but I don't get any value from it. This is also what made me go earlier to bed during the week-ends. I'm not getting anymore value from the evening so I'm going to bed.

Here are three power moves which I think don't deserve their own threads:

1. It affected you a lot! (condescending tone)

A "friend" (because he's quite jealous and has inferiority complex) thought I was in a bad mood.

Me: "I'm tired, it took me some time to get to sleep" (choosing to be vulnerable)

Him: "It affected you a lot" (talking about the exam, with a condescending tone)

Me: "Not too much" (true, but ends the vulnerability)

Lesson learned: I already saw this with him and other insecure people. If you make yourself vulnerable with them (which is a show of weakness), they're going to go right through the crack. Hopefully, I have now a more anti-fragile mindset so I can deal better with it.

When he asked me how I was, I felt that I should have not open. However I still did because I gave him a chance.

Next time: I will not open up with him, I'll say "It's alright, thanks!"

2. "I'm only an intern, I'm going to ask my supervisor" (mocking tone)

I was at a bar and I said that I just finished an exam. An obese girl was there:

Her: what kind of exam?

Me: Pediatrics (toning it down)

Her (surprised/impressed look in her eyes): ...

Her (mocking tone, expanding on the "I did not do good my exam" thread): I'm a resident physician, I have to ask my supervisor (which is a common occurrence when we are beginners)

I did not answer anything, basically I ignored it.

Next time: "You know that during exams there are no supervisor, right?" (buying into the frame but shaming her) or "What does it have anything to do with the exam?"

3. "He's not too good with technology" (one-up)

I was at a festival with a new friend of mine and another friend. As I was going to pay for our drinks with the QR-code technology, he says to the lady:

Him (coming out of nowhere): he's not too good with technology (mocking tone)

Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything

Me: you know I'm a computer engineer, right? (but it was not loud enough, so could not hear it and he did not know)

At this festival, I was low in energy so I was not ready for these kind of one-ups.

Next time: "Well, I'm paying for your drinks, man, be patient!" (reframe with light shaming + tasking)

I know it's an ongoing theme. However, again because of my profession I noticed that I'm sometimes a target for people with inferiority complex. When you represent any kind of authority figure, some people will try to have "a shot at you" because they have trouble relating to you as an equal (their problem, not mine). I know it might sound stupid or self-centered. However I found it to be true. Also some people just don't like doctors. It was the first exchange we had with the obese girl. After that, I asked her how was her day and blablabla. The mechanism I think is: "This makes me feel inferior -> I attack". I think it to be true because It happened to me as well. There was people I felt inferior to and had to have a shot at them.

In SU, Lucio talks about that the higher value you get, the more difficult it is for you to get value from other people. Once again, I find it to be true. It's not bragging as I would prefer it to be false. In my case, I think it has more to be with life experience. I get the most value when I talk with people who are more experienced than me at anything, where I learn something or the person has empathy to listen to me. Sometimes I'm just sitting through conversations but I don't get any value from it. This is also what made me go earlier to bed during the week-ends. I'm not getting anymore value from the evening so I'm going to bed.

Lucio Buffalmano and B have reacted to this post.

#56 · June 20, 2022, 7:28 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 20, 2022, 7:28 am
Quote from John Freeman on June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm
1. It affected you a lot! (condescending tone)
A "friend" (because he's quite jealous and has inferiority complex) thought I was in a bad mood.
Me: "I'm tired, it took me some time to get to sleep" (choosing to be vulnerable)
Him: "It affected you a lot" (talking about the exam, with a condescending tone)
Me: "Not too much" (true, but ends the vulnerability)
Lesson learned: I already saw this with him and other insecure people. If you make yourself vulnerable with them (which is a show of weakness), they're going to go right through the crack. Hopefully, I have now a more anti-fragile mindset so I can deal better with it.
When he asked me how I was, I felt that I should have not open. However I still did because I gave him a chance.
Next time: I will not open up with him, I'll say "It's alright, thanks!"
Power scalping, a true turkey power move.
And yes, great analysis on vulnerability and others taking advantage of it.
One of the reasons why TPM is ambivalent about the popular work from Brene Brown on vulnerability (which is both great, and naive at the same time).
Quote from John Freeman on June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm

3. "He's not too good with technology" (one-up)
I was at a festival with a new friend of mine and another friend. As I was going to pay for our drinks with the QR-code technology, he says to the lady:
Him (coming out of nowhere): he's not too good with technology (mocking tone)
Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
Me: you know I'm a computer engineer, right? (but it was not loud enough, so could not hear it and he did not know)
At this festival, I was low in energy so I was not ready for these kind of one-ups.
Next time: "Well, I'm paying for your drinks, man, be patient!" (reframe with light shaming + tasking)
Always great to see power-aware bystanders who fly higher (similar to the second secretary who said "are you still back on that" BTW).
I think your proposed answer was too reactive.
Another option was to join the bartender and "gang up" on the turkey:
Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
You: thank you. He always does this competitive thing
If you really wanted to go down on it hard, then possible to add "maybe I should change friends".

Quote from John Freeman on June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm
1. It affected you a lot! (condescending tone)
A "friend" (because he's quite jealous and has inferiority complex) thought I was in a bad mood.
Me: "I'm tired, it took me some time to get to sleep" (choosing to be vulnerable)
Him: "It affected you a lot" (talking about the exam, with a condescending tone)
Me: "Not too much" (true, but ends the vulnerability)
Lesson learned: I already saw this with him and other insecure people. If you make yourself vulnerable with them (which is a show of weakness), they're going to go right through the crack. Hopefully, I have now a more anti-fragile mindset so I can deal better with it.
When he asked me how I was, I felt that I should have not open. However I still did because I gave him a chance.
Next time: I will not open up with him, I'll say "It's alright, thanks!"

Power scalping, a true turkey power move.

And yes, great analysis on vulnerability and others taking advantage of it.
One of the reasons why TPM is ambivalent about the popular work from Brene Brown on vulnerability (which is both great, and naive at the same time).

Quote from John Freeman on June 19, 2022, 6:42 pm

3. "He's not too good with technology" (one-up)
I was at a festival with a new friend of mine and another friend. As I was going to pay for our drinks with the QR-code technology, he says to the lady:
Him (coming out of nowhere): he's not too good with technology (mocking tone)
Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
Me: you know I'm a computer engineer, right? (but it was not loud enough, so could not hear it and he did not know)
At this festival, I was low in energy so I was not ready for these kind of one-ups.
Next time: "Well, I'm paying for your drinks, man, be patient!" (reframe with light shaming + tasking)

Always great to see power-aware bystanders who fly higher (similar to the second secretary who said "are you still back on that" BTW).

I think your proposed answer was too reactive.

Another option was to join the bartender and "gang up" on the turkey:

Her (getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
You: thank you. He always does this competitive thing

If you really wanted to go down on it hard, then possible to add "maybe I should change friends".

John Freeman and B have reacted to this post.

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#57 · June 20, 2022, 11:30 am

Deleted, I got impulsive with writing some thoughts of mine but this is John’s journal.

#58 · June 20, 2022, 12:07 pm

Thank you Lucio!

#59 · June 22, 2022, 7:05 am

Quote from John Freeman on June 22, 2022, 7:05 am
Bel: feel free to share your thoughts!
3 power moves that don't deserve their own threads:
His name is "Back!" His name is "Back!"
I went to borrow a pencil sharpener to the nurses for the children so they can sharpen the pencils and make drawings. The nurse lends me the pencil sharpener and says (French expression):
Her: His name is "back!" (that means I have to give it back) (looking at me with big eyes like a school teacher) handing me the pencil sharpener
Me: Yes (making a light joke)
Her: His name is "back!" (looking at me with big eyes, handing me the pencil sharpener)
Me: takes the pencil sharpener (ignores but in a way
This is again condescending as she's treating me like a child. This is a babying power move. She's also putting herself as the judge. It's true that it happens that I forget things, but so does everyone. Also, she's bitter with her life: her child is not sleeping she's tired as hell. It's the kind of person who discharges on other people when they're not feeling good. And me being still too nice I'm a great target.
It's not even her pencil sharpener, it's from work. However, there is a whole spiel with the tools disappearing at work. On top of it, I can always get another one from the material person.
Next time:
Her: His name is "back!" (that means I have to give it back) (looking at me with big eyes like a school teacher) handing me the pencil sharpener
Me: Yes, I know his name (light joke)
Her: His name is "back!"
Me: I'm not deaf!
I asked a child to give it back to the nurse. And the nurse did not have it. Right away, she says:
Her: you must always give it back to me in my hands
I ask the mother where it is, the mother give it to me and I give it to the nurse
Me: Here you are Madam!
Next time:
I will not confirm her frame with "Here you are Madam!". I bought into her frame as her being like a school teacher. I will give the pencil sharpener myself. I actually asked the child to give it to her as a power move to show her the child could give the pencil sharpener. So this woman I buy too much into her judge frame. I have to take it back.
We're talking about a pencil sharpener, here!!! But it's a good example as these people behave like this for all kind of things. Everything is an opportunity for them to social climb and take the judge role.
Another example with her: There was a mother who wanted to know if she would be on time to pick her daughter at school. I said yes. The nurse asked: "where is it?" this took me aback and I started to follow her lead whereas my first answer was correct. I think I'm letting myself getting scared by her because she's good at taking the judge role. She's typically the kind of person Lucio described: ambitious and competitive. She does have a lot of experience, however it's the way she uses it to dominate instead of leading. She's stealing my role.
Oh, so you're gonna become a little chief!
I was coming to the secretary to ask her to block a time period in my schedule so I can have a meeting with the big big boss. However I did not want to tell her the reason of me blocking the time. So she wrote down the reason: "to Dr. Freeman's request". I thought: if my boss sees that it will seem like I am taking liberties that I'm not supposed to. So I asked her to change it to "Meeting with big big boss".
Right away she says:
Her: Oh, so you're gonna become a little chief! (mocking tone)
Me: No, it's just a meeting
Her remark reeks of jealousy. It also demeans becoming an attending physician as becoming a "little chief". It also implies that it is laughable that I would become one.
Next time:
I will not tell her the reason of the meeting and accept what she wrote in the planning. I will tell to my chief in person the reason for the time block.
Champion, my champion!
We were having lunch with nurses from emergency. My colleague (equal) tells the nurse that I only have 3 patients this afternoon. The nurse leaves, laughs and says:
Him: Champion, my champion! (condescending tone)
This is quite condescending. He implies that I'm lazy and/or not good at my job. However, he's basically jealous because I have little work. This is not of my choosing of course.
Next time:
Him: Champion, my champion! (condescending tone)
Me: Thanks! Good afternoon (agreeing on the positive frame and going collaborative, pretending I did not understand)
These 3 cases are happening on the course of 2 days. So this is the kind of people I'm dealing at work on a daily basis. Insecure, bitter people with an inferiority complex. It's annoying. It's full of turkeys. This is why I avoid to the maximum to deal with them. Because some people you know that interacting with them, one of these condescending remarks will come out.
As a student of stoicism: what do I control? My response.
Edit: after some thoughts, all these interactions are learning opportunities. I’m looking forward to the next turkey so I can better learn to become an eagle!

Bel: feel free to share your thoughts!

3 power moves that don't deserve their own threads:

His name is "Back!" His name is "Back!"

I went to borrow a pencil sharpener to the nurses for the children so they can sharpen the pencils and make drawings. The nurse lends me the pencil sharpener and says (French expression):

Her: His name is "back!" (that means I have to give it back) (looking at me with big eyes like a school teacher) handing me the pencil sharpener
Me: Yes (making a light joke)
Her: His name is "back!" (looking at me with big eyes, handing me the pencil sharpener)
Me: takes the pencil sharpener (ignores but in a way

This is again condescending as she's treating me like a child. This is a babying power move. She's also putting herself as the judge. It's true that it happens that I forget things, but so does everyone. Also, she's bitter with her life: her child is not sleeping she's tired as hell. It's the kind of person who discharges on other people when they're not feeling good. And me being still too nice I'm a great target.

It's not even her pencil sharpener, it's from work. However, there is a whole spiel with the tools disappearing at work. On top of it, I can always get another one from the material person.

Next time:

Her: His name is "back!" (that means I have to give it back) (looking at me with big eyes like a school teacher) handing me the pencil sharpener
Me: Yes, I know his name (light joke)
Her: His name is "back!"
Me: I'm not deaf!

I asked a child to give it back to the nurse. And the nurse did not have it. Right away, she says:

Her: you must always give it back to me in my hands
I ask the mother where it is, the mother give it to me and I give it to the nurse
Me: Here you are Madam!

Next time:

I will not confirm her frame with "Here you are Madam!". I bought into her frame as her being like a school teacher. I will give the pencil sharpener myself. I actually asked the child to give it to her as a power move to show her the child could give the pencil sharpener. So this woman I buy too much into her judge frame. I have to take it back.

We're talking about a pencil sharpener, here!!! But it's a good example as these people behave like this for all kind of things. Everything is an opportunity for them to social climb and take the judge role.

Another example with her: There was a mother who wanted to know if she would be on time to pick her daughter at school. I said yes. The nurse asked: "where is it?" this took me aback and I started to follow her lead whereas my first answer was correct. I think I'm letting myself getting scared by her because she's good at taking the judge role. She's typically the kind of person Lucio described: ambitious and competitive. She does have a lot of experience, however it's the way she uses it to dominate instead of leading. She's stealing my role.

Oh, so you're gonna become a little chief!

I was coming to the secretary to ask her to block a time period in my schedule so I can have a meeting with the big big boss. However I did not want to tell her the reason of me blocking the time. So she wrote down the reason: "to Dr. Freeman's request". I thought: if my boss sees that it will seem like I am taking liberties that I'm not supposed to. So I asked her to change it to "Meeting with big big boss".

Right away she says:

Her: Oh, so you're gonna become a little chief! (mocking tone)
Me: No, it's just a meeting

Her remark reeks of jealousy. It also demeans becoming an attending physician as becoming a "little chief". It also implies that it is laughable that I would become one.

Next time:

I will not tell her the reason of the meeting and accept what she wrote in the planning. I will tell to my chief in person the reason for the time block.

Champion, my champion!

We were having lunch with nurses from emergency. My colleague (equal) tells the nurse that I only have 3 patients this afternoon. The nurse leaves, laughs and says:

Him: Champion, my champion! (condescending tone)

This is quite condescending. He implies that I'm lazy and/or not good at my job. However, he's basically jealous because I have little work. This is not of my choosing of course.

Next time:

Him: Champion, my champion! (condescending tone)
Me: Thanks! Good afternoon (agreeing on the positive frame and going collaborative, pretending I did not understand)

These 3 cases are happening on the course of 2 days. So this is the kind of people I'm dealing at work on a daily basis. Insecure, bitter people with an inferiority complex. It's annoying. It's full of turkeys. This is why I avoid to the maximum to deal with them. Because some people you know that interacting with them, one of these condescending remarks will come out.

As a student of stoicism: what do I control? My response.

Edit: after some thoughts, all these interactions are learning opportunities. I’m looking forward to the next turkey so I can better learn to become an eagle!

Transitioned has reacted to this post.

#60 · June 22, 2022, 7:17 pm

Hello guys,

here is the power move of the day:

When we kick you out!

I was at a break with a male nurse of emergency (the "champion"). At 6pm we're supposed to leave the office to another more experienced paediatrician in a private office.

Him: ... when we kick you (plural) out of the office.

The frame is: "you're not welcome and we need the room for someone more important than you"

Next time

Him: ... when I kick you (plural) out...
Me: Now I know that we're supposed to leave the room at 6pm. However, there's always one free room.

In this answer, I'm not going confrontational, I'm staying professional but still reframing it as "I'm following the hospital rule, not you "kicking me out"". After 2 months, I noticed that some nurses see that I'm still working tell me: "it's ok, the other room is free". However assholes say: "you have to go at 6pm" using the little power they have.

He also talked about our overtime. Since sometimes we stay later to finish some admin. He used it to frame it as "ineffective/beginner". I answered that at the beginning it's normal. So basically, these people go day after day after day, year after year, pulling the same power moves on resident physicians at each rotations just to make themselves feel better and look better in front of their colleagues.

Now that I have some distance on it, it's actually quite pathetic and small-pond thinking.

Lucio Buffalmano and Deleted user have reacted to this post.