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My Journey to Power

#511 · December 8, 2023, 2:41 am

Something that was not explicit but I'm sure you understood it. She treats me nice now because she sees I'm higher quality/value/power. My official title and other things I might not be aware of (attracted to me?).

It's not because she's a nice person. I want to make a modification. She's nice to me because now I can potentially bring her value (and I do). Social exchange theory in action. (Maybe she's a nice person now as well).

Also this:

Me: well, it's always difficult for us when we start in a new team. We are beginners and it's a challenge to adjust to the team (takes the blame to power protect, show forgiveness and accepts the olive branch)

Higher power.

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#512 · December 8, 2023, 3:51 am

Quote from John Freeman on December 8, 2023, 3:51 am
Update: the worst resident we have and with which we had problems since the beginning (yes she's a manipulator, but she's also smart-dumb so that's a weird combination). She's smart enough to adapt to her environment. But not smart enough to understand what she's doing.
I won't start the stories, there are too many.
But last night there was another serious fuckup: she was doing a night shift. I won't go into the details. She actually compromised patient safety through her negligence and laziness. And that's a cardinal sin in healthcare (for good reason).
And now one of my bosses David which I respect a lot is onto her. So he was really mad the next morning. And so was I today in the late afternoon when I heard about shat she's done. I gave her through a colleague specific instructions to watch the child every hour. Nope. Nothing.
Anyway he was mad at her and I saw him get angry only once since 7 months. He's always calm. He's one of the calmest person I know. I was not there to witness it. But now she's on the executive's radar. She's going to have series of objectives that she has to reach.
The boss asked us our feed-back via e-mail. I gave mine.
I'm actually amazed how long she could camouflage herself. I saw who she was early on because of my experience and my training here. However, many colleagues did not and I can only now speak openly about her as they now see what I see.
I'm not sure I wrote about this here. But last executive meeting 2 months ago we talked about the residents and this was my proposition for her: to set objectives for her. It was kind of interpreted as if I had something personal against her. Not the case. Interpretation from their part which pushed the issue 2 months later.
So one can see two things in this phenomenon:
It takes longer time for the upper management to really see how a first-line worker is behaving.
It takes a fuck-up or too many fuck-ups for them to react
So I can officially say the leadership in my service is reactive. There is one out of the 3 who's more proactive. But the 2 others are kind of pushing away challenges with residents and let them fester.
So as I grow my leadership skills I can better see where they are good and where they are failing short. And same for me. I must be more with the team but at the same time give them more autonomy. A reassuring presence in a way. That's my next step in leadership. More presence and more autonomy/responsibility.
Some of them appreciate it, others they just want the answers. They don't want to think or look bad. Fixed mindset now that I think about it. One of them I could inspire her and now she's developed much more of a growth mindset. I say inspire her because I can see now that she sees me and respects me as her leader. I see she's now copying behaviour from me (being self-critical of her own biases, I was proud of her today. I told her it was good so it allows us to be more objective). Maybe she's adapting to me or trying to please me but I don't think so. I (maybe mistakenly and thinking too high of myself) think she sees values in my way of doing some things at work.
Whether it's the case or not does not matter at all. What matters is that she becomes a better doctor. I think she's headed there. I believed in her while the female boss who hired me half-told me she thought she was too dumb. So I see I was right to believe in her. Now she's rising. That's the plan. Again it's not for me (They have difficulty understanding that: they see me as a parental figure so basically they sometimes project on me their relationship with their parents. It's normal I do the same with people I deem as judges.). It's for the patients.
I think I say it at least once per day to the residents. It shows what BS people have in their minds if they don't take some perspective about their life and think about why they do things. It makes no sense to ego-protect all the time if you want to be good at something. Admit your mistake/ignore, learn and move on.
However, it's easy for me to say. I was not like that 5 years ago so I understand their challenge. Medicine has a stupid brainwashing system. I entered it willingly when I started my studies but could completely remove the brainwashing about 2-3 years after I started to work. At least the brainwashing in my original dysfunctional highly political backstabbing university hospital. But I see it elsewhere.
I see I went free-flow thought here. Time to sleep. Good night.

Update: the worst resident we have and with which we had problems since the beginning (yes she's a manipulator, but she's also smart-dumb so that's a weird combination). She's smart enough to adapt to her environment. But not smart enough to understand what she's doing.

I won't start the stories, there are too many.

But last night there was another serious fuckup: she was doing a night shift. I won't go into the details. She actually compromised patient safety through her negligence and laziness. And that's a cardinal sin in healthcare (for good reason).

And now one of my bosses David which I respect a lot is onto her. So he was really mad the next morning. And so was I today in the late afternoon when I heard about shat she's done. I gave her through a colleague specific instructions to watch the child every hour. Nope. Nothing.

Anyway he was mad at her and I saw him get angry only once since 7 months. He's always calm. He's one of the calmest person I know. I was not there to witness it. But now she's on the executive's radar. She's going to have series of objectives that she has to reach.

The boss asked us our feed-back via e-mail. I gave mine.

I'm actually amazed how long she could camouflage herself. I saw who she was early on because of my experience and my training here. However, many colleagues did not and I can only now speak openly about her as they now see what I see.

I'm not sure I wrote about this here. But last executive meeting 2 months ago we talked about the residents and this was my proposition for her: to set objectives for her. It was kind of interpreted as if I had something personal against her. Not the case. Interpretation from their part which pushed the issue 2 months later.

So one can see two things in this phenomenon:

It takes longer time for the upper management to really see how a first-line worker is behaving.
It takes a fuck-up or too many fuck-ups for them to react

So I can officially say the leadership in my service is reactive. There is one out of the 3 who's more proactive. But the 2 others are kind of pushing away challenges with residents and let them fester.

So as I grow my leadership skills I can better see where they are good and where they are failing short. And same for me. I must be more with the team but at the same time give them more autonomy. A reassuring presence in a way. That's my next step in leadership. More presence and more autonomy/responsibility.

Some of them appreciate it, others they just want the answers. They don't want to think or look bad. Fixed mindset now that I think about it. One of them I could inspire her and now she's developed much more of a growth mindset. I say inspire her because I can see now that she sees me and respects me as her leader. I see she's now copying behaviour from me (being self-critical of her own biases, I was proud of her today. I told her it was good so it allows us to be more objective). Maybe she's adapting to me or trying to please me but I don't think so. I (maybe mistakenly and thinking too high of myself) think she sees values in my way of doing some things at work.

Whether it's the case or not does not matter at all. What matters is that she becomes a better doctor. I think she's headed there. I believed in her while the female boss who hired me half-told me she thought she was too dumb. So I see I was right to believe in her. Now she's rising. That's the plan. Again it's not for me (They have difficulty understanding that: they see me as a parental figure so basically they sometimes project on me their relationship with their parents. It's normal I do the same with people I deem as judges.). It's for the patients.

I think I say it at least once per day to the residents. It shows what BS people have in their minds if they don't take some perspective about their life and think about why they do things. It makes no sense to ego-protect all the time if you want to be good at something. Admit your mistake/ignore, learn and move on.

However, it's easy for me to say. I was not like that 5 years ago so I understand their challenge. Medicine has a stupid brainwashing system. I entered it willingly when I started my studies but could completely remove the brainwashing about 2-3 years after I started to work. At least the brainwashing in my original dysfunctional highly political backstabbing university hospital. But I see it elsewhere.

I see I went free-flow thought here. Time to sleep. Good night.

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#513 · December 8, 2023, 2:03 pm

Today I had a fruitful session with my psychologist (he's uber good and also gifted adult, reason I chose him).

It was around trauma, abuse, addictions and coping mechanisms/pleasure.

My thought: I healed a lot of the abuse that has been done to me. Letting those diseases (addictions) hurt/destroy me is letting my parents win. I won't allow it and I hope this is new motivation.

Thank you so much for your answers in the other thread. As you know I prefer to answer when I have the mental availability and time to properly answer as it is deserved.

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#514 · December 9, 2023, 2:14 pm

Quote from John Freeman on December 9, 2023, 2:14 pm
I understand why I could not "beat" the addictions (not "my" addictions anymore).
My psychologist first suggested they were a coping mechanism against depression and anxiety.
But now I know they are a coping mechanism to abuse and trauma.
In the last years I felt like I healed my inner self (emotional + psychological) up to 80% (subjective estimate).
Thanks to TPM, I feel now I'm about at 90%. I estimate these number to how close to my "true self" I feel. That is the true self not in sense of identity but rather in the sense of the "soul". Who/what we are beneath all the layers. And my parents dumped a lot of shit in that part of me. Along other people. But my parents did the most damage.
So the last 10% is what I understand now is about the "sleeper awakening" like it's talked about in Dune. It's reclaiming my whole inner self.
So to do that, 2 steps:
Acknowledge that I have spiritual/mental/emotional diseases that are addictions and that healing these addictions is basically removing the band aid.
Acknowledging I'll be able to deal with the underneath hurt. That's the scariest part. I'm afraid to hurt and with my job I'm afraid not to be able to deal with both. So withdrawal symptoms + pain bubbling to surface + stressful/demanding work seems a bit too much. My psychologist advised me to stop during holidays. I think it's a good advice.
He also identified that the cycles of indulging and throwing the addicting agent away, etc. might have a correlation with the unstable up and down household I was raised into. These ups and downs are familiar to me so that's what I'm seeking. I think he has a point.
So last therapy session was particularly helpful for me to deconstruct the addictions. I'm not feeling as guilty or ashamed about them as I did before now that I understand their functions. I knew it before but deconstructing it further with someone else and looking at it is helpful in moving forward for me. So now I can look at them more like a problem to solve. More objectively rather than seeing myself as weak for indulging.
I feel like I'm making progress.

I understand why I could not "beat" the addictions (not "my" addictions anymore).

My psychologist first suggested they were a coping mechanism against depression and anxiety.

But now I know they are a coping mechanism to abuse and trauma.

In the last years I felt like I healed my inner self (emotional + psychological) up to 80% (subjective estimate).

Thanks to TPM, I feel now I'm about at 90%. I estimate these number to how close to my "true self" I feel. That is the true self not in sense of identity but rather in the sense of the "soul". Who/what we are beneath all the layers. And my parents dumped a lot of shit in that part of me. Along other people. But my parents did the most damage.

So the last 10% is what I understand now is about the "sleeper awakening" like it's talked about in Dune. It's reclaiming my whole inner self.

So to do that, 2 steps:

Acknowledge that I have spiritual/mental/emotional diseases that are addictions and that healing these addictions is basically removing the band aid.
Acknowledging I'll be able to deal with the underneath hurt. That's the scariest part. I'm afraid to hurt and with my job I'm afraid not to be able to deal with both. So withdrawal symptoms + pain bubbling to surface + stressful/demanding work seems a bit too much. My psychologist advised me to stop during holidays. I think it's a good advice.

He also identified that the cycles of indulging and throwing the addicting agent away, etc. might have a correlation with the unstable up and down household I was raised into. These ups and downs are familiar to me so that's what I'm seeking. I think he has a point.

So last therapy session was particularly helpful for me to deconstruct the addictions. I'm not feeling as guilty or ashamed about them as I did before now that I understand their functions. I knew it before but deconstructing it further with someone else and looking at it is helpful in moving forward for me. So now I can look at them more like a problem to solve. More objectively rather than seeing myself as weak for indulging.

I feel like I'm making progress.

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#515 · December 11, 2023, 10:04 am

So based on my new knowledge and what I wrote, the frame have changed:

My goal is to heal my childhood trauma once and for all. I'm almost there. I did many things to heal so it's worth going the last mile (often the hardest). So basically healing the addictions is a step towards healing the childhood trauma. I'm ready to face the last remnants of pain, shame and guilt. These were not mine in the first place anyway. So I will be evacuating my parents and other people's shit.

I'm done accepting people dumping their emotional/spiritual shit on me. Of course I'll make that mistake again in the future as it's a learning process. But now I'm aware of it and I made the decision. So it's from the inside to the outside. And one day sooner than later I won't compromise self-respect. I've been conditioned by my parents to accept this shit dumping but it's a win-lose scenario. First, because now the person has to deal with the shit. Second, because there is no real love after that. So it's a sucker's trade.

I've been abused and I survived abuse. I even thrived and became stronger thanks to it. I won't make an identity out of it (victim/survivor) as it's not helpful in my mind. However, it's an important step to recognise it in order to allocate the appropriate resources in terms of time and energy to it. Otherwise there is the risk of minimising the consequences of this abuse as it is invisible.

I'm writing all this here and I stand by it. I mean that in terms of status here it would look better not to admit it and talk about it. However, I think it's more important to prioritise healing and growth over status.

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#516 · December 11, 2023, 12:47 pm

Quote from John Freeman on December 11, 2023, 12:47 pm
After having worked on approval seeking, the next phases of my self-development are:
Face the pain: goes back to my recent posts above. Next big chapter.
Demand reciprocal relationships: this goes back to self-respect. Wether in friendships or with my family, people under-value me and it's not good for my self-esteem. So I started to demand reciprocal relationship. It's now my criterion. I don't give my time to people who don't reciprocate. It subcommunicates that I'm lower value than them and it's just not the case. As I value myself more I don't tolerate anymore this behaviour. If you're not willing to give at least as much as I give, then you're an acquaintance, you're not my friend. So I won't make more effort towards you. I'll find people who appreciate and respect me and will give me what I deserve: love and respect.
A friend asked me for some news with WA. I'm the one who 9.5/10 times initiate contact and proposes activities. I confronted him today as he was asking me for once some news last week. I told him how I felt while I told him I respected him. Now that the feels some pressure he says he's going to propose me something. I actually lost some respect as he did not apologize and I felt like he felt to keep the relationship he felt obligated to propose me something. I said that I always initiated things. And he answered: "not always, I did proposed a few times some time ago". Well, I don't remember and he's playing on words. So I did not like it. I said: "Yeah, almost always. I think you understood me."
I told him: "Friendship is a choice, not an obligation. You don't have to". I'm a bit angry as I'm understanding how much I accepted these unbalanced relationships in order to have a social life. Just like in dating, "it's better to be alone than poorly accompanied." as we say in French. Before I felt like I had to give so much in order to have friends. Now that I value myself more I don't think like that anymore. Up to them to prove they deserve my time, energy and friendship.
It's like when they "gifted" me a board game that they want to play. And then they ask me when we're going to play it. Nobody asked me if I wanted to play it. I don't. So now they pressure me into playing this game. So bad.
Edit: I understand people have their own priorities and obligations. So do I. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about initiating contact (and the value given).

After having worked on approval seeking, the next phases of my self-development are:

Face the pain: goes back to my recent posts above. Next big chapter.
Demand reciprocal relationships: this goes back to self-respect. Wether in friendships or with my family, people under-value me and it's not good for my self-esteem. So I started to demand reciprocal relationship. It's now my criterion. I don't give my time to people who don't reciprocate. It subcommunicates that I'm lower value than them and it's just not the case. As I value myself more I don't tolerate anymore this behaviour. If you're not willing to give at least as much as I give, then you're an acquaintance, you're not my friend. So I won't make more effort towards you. I'll find people who appreciate and respect me and will give me what I deserve: love and respect.

A friend asked me for some news with WA. I'm the one who 9.5/10 times initiate contact and proposes activities. I confronted him today as he was asking me for once some news last week. I told him how I felt while I told him I respected him. Now that the feels some pressure he says he's going to propose me something. I actually lost some respect as he did not apologize and I felt like he felt to keep the relationship he felt obligated to propose me something. I said that I always initiated things. And he answered: "not always, I did proposed a few times some time ago". Well, I don't remember and he's playing on words. So I did not like it. I said: "Yeah, almost always. I think you understood me."

I told him: "Friendship is a choice, not an obligation. You don't have to". I'm a bit angry as I'm understanding how much I accepted these unbalanced relationships in order to have a social life. Just like in dating, "it's better to be alone than poorly accompanied." as we say in French. Before I felt like I had to give so much in order to have friends. Now that I value myself more I don't think like that anymore. Up to them to prove they deserve my time, energy and friendship.

It's like when they "gifted" me a board game that they want to play. And then they ask me when we're going to play it. Nobody asked me if I wanted to play it. I don't. So now they pressure me into playing this game. So bad.

Edit: I understand people have their own priorities and obligations. So do I. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about initiating contact (and the value given).

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#517 · December 11, 2023, 4:15 pm

Those last posts sound great, rock on John!

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Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#518 · December 12, 2023, 2:02 am

Thank you so much Lucio!

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#519 · December 12, 2023, 12:10 pm

Quote from John Freeman on December 12, 2023, 12:10 pm
I had an interview for a regional hospital as an attending physicians (still pediatrics).
I aced it. It was (almost) flawless. As usual I prepared with Transitioned’s article (along with Lucio’s mindset) and my preparation file. This one contains
I was both authentic and strategic. I could say authentically why I wanted to work there (chief is an intensivist and interested in patient safety: I researched it it’s the strategic part) and I was authentic with it: I’m interested in these and working with people who have those skills.
I asked relevant questions at the end.
In short I was prepared.
Something I may have underestimated in the past is that our past can affect our present. I had an unfortunate experience 5 years ago in German speaking Switzerland. I did not speak the language well enough so they asked for the contract to stop and I agreed. I said in the interview that it was stopped on “common agreement” (stock French sentence). It’s true however they were the ones to initiate it (after 1.5 month). But I think they understood it. And I think it’s ok to self-save face. It’s in the light grey area.
This message is both a feed back to my brothers-in-arms/teachers here and to fellow forum members/students.
If you read my latest posts yes you will read my current challenges (part of life) but also and especially a string of successes (also socially and love life). I owe them to self development and TPM. So it compounds over time. That’s why it’s worth persevering in self-development, power dynamics and social skills. It may not pay now but it will pay. I may not be a gambler but if I was to bet I would bet with closed eyes on the man/woman determined to improved in these aspects. Again the timescale is years not months. So the benefits compounds on this timescale. That’s why persevering is so important.
Thank you all who helped me, I owe (again) part of my success to your help and support. You know who you are if you feel (rightly) proud. Also thanks to those who challenged me here, thanks to you I could grow a lot from those as well.

I had an interview for a regional hospital as an attending physicians (still pediatrics).

I aced it. It was (almost) flawless. As usual I prepared with Transitioned’s article (along with Lucio’s mindset) and my preparation file. This one contains

I was both authentic and strategic. I could say authentically why I wanted to work there (chief is an intensivist and interested in patient safety: I researched it it’s the strategic part) and I was authentic with it: I’m interested in these and working with people who have those skills.

I asked relevant questions at the end.

In short I was prepared.

Something I may have underestimated in the past is that our past can affect our present. I had an unfortunate experience 5 years ago in German speaking Switzerland. I did not speak the language well enough so they asked for the contract to stop and I agreed. I said in the interview that it was stopped on “common agreement” (stock French sentence). It’s true however they were the ones to initiate it (after 1.5 month). But I think they understood it. And I think it’s ok to self-save face. It’s in the light grey area.

This message is both a feed back to my brothers-in-arms/teachers here and to fellow forum members/students.

If you read my latest posts yes you will read my current challenges (part of life) but also and especially a string of successes (also socially and love life). I owe them to self development and TPM. So it compounds over time. That’s why it’s worth persevering in self-development, power dynamics and social skills. It may not pay now but it will pay. I may not be a gambler but if I was to bet I would bet with closed eyes on the man/woman determined to improved in these aspects. Again the timescale is years not months. So the benefits compounds on this timescale. That’s why persevering is so important.

Thank you all who helped me, I owe (again) part of my success to your help and support. You know who you are if you feel (rightly) proud. Also thanks to those who challenged me here, thanks to you I could grow a lot from those as well.

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#520 · December 12, 2023, 12:53 pm

In terms of mindset: now I don't care anymore if I am hired or not.

I have an abundance mindset. There are many other opportunities elsewhere and I trust in my ability to find my way and get the best out of it all.

The chief proposed me to start in November 2024 for 2 years whereas I'd prefer start in May 2024 for 1 year. I said I needed the money I could not stay 6 months without pay. Also I prefer 1 year but did not say anything. I prefer to wait until they choose to hire me or not to negotiate that.

Not sure if I'm right or if it would have been preferable to be assertive on that one. In terms of power dynamics I feel I did not have enough power yet to challenge/negotiate on that.

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