Former Community – We Moved
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Not another “quarantine f-buddy.”
I need a guide about dating for women.
I keep running into the same problems with men (I am a side chick, they tell me up front they want sex and no commitment, they are interested then fall off the planet, dick photos are sent). I like to think of myself as a thoughtful, attractive woman who is on a quest to constantly better herself. The problem is that I am going to be 28 next week and I don’t want to handle anymore heartbreak unnecessarily.
What resource do you have for this? I have Been reading through your reading lists.
Hey there,
What's your goal?
The way you write, it sounds like it's more on the relationship / something serious side of thing.
And it sounds like those men have been honest from the start, which is something not so common these days and worthy of respect.
Sure they are interested in the beginning, and they are probably also still interested when they're sending those dick picks.
Just interested in a more casual way.
It's not so uncommon for some women to fall for men who say right away they are not the relationship type of guy (you can see one example in the article "is he wasting my time").
Men also have their own equivalent: falling for the messed up woman they want to take care of, safe than being dragged down to the bottom.
If you see yourself in that pattern, that's the first thing I'd recommend you to address:
- Screen men ruthlessly for availability: get to know early whether they're available or not for the longer-term, and don't waste any more time with unavailable ones
Lucio,
I am kind of in love with a guy overseas. He is very wishywashy. I think he has a friend that might be his girlfriend. At first he told me he doesn't want to be with me then he said he wants to graduate so he can come live in the States. He is still in uni, but he says he wants to leave his country when he graduates. Then he goes back to the same thing from the beginning.
Now that this pandemic happened I find it so hard for me to see him again. We keep in contact on WhatsApp (there was a language barrier at first but I learned Italian almost completely to keep talking to him (I am fluent in Spanish so it was not too difficult.) We video chatted and had video "time" then he went silent for a while. We met when I was studying in Madrid and came to see me for a New Years.
This has been going on long distance for almost 2 years but I was about to quit my job and leave for Italy, I even had my ticket. I was going for visa purposes anyway, not just for him but I wanted to see him. I feel hopeless that I can't meet up with him and even drunk texted him to run away with me like a month ago. I am humiliated but more than anything heartbroken. Should I block him? I feel like I can't move on but don't want to look desperate anymore. It is hurting me inside. Is there a chance if I disappear that he will look for me or does blocking look manipulative and childish?
Right now it sounds like you are very invested in the relationship, while he might be less than you are.
It sounds like there are lots of emotional up and downs, which can be addictive, and it seems like there might be some elements of anxious-avoidant trap.
From the very little I can glean, it doesn't sound like a great relationship and doesn't sound like on the way to give you what you want and need.
Is there a chance that if you will disappear he will look for you?
Well, yes, of course there is a chance.
But you definitely don't want to be in a position of having to hope for that chance.
And yes, you guessed it, ghosting after you have been in touch for long would not make you look good.
Much better is to talk clearly about what you want and need.
And if it can't be met, then you tell him that it was wonderful, and that you truly loved him. But that if he can't give you what you need, that you must now go find it somewhere else.
My opinion is that you always feel like you can't move on until you have to move on.
Then, you always do.
There might still be a pang of pain when you think about it, a slight emotional knot. But the sooner you end relationships where there is more pain than good, the sooner they will be water under a bridge.
