Is he wasting your time?
This post will help you provide an answer to that question.
You will learn all the major signs of time-wasting guys who are not willing to get serious about long term commitment.
And you will learn what to do about it.
- Signs He’s Wasting Your Time
- Look At The Whole
- False Signs He’s Wasting Your Time
- What To Do When He’s Wasting Your Time
Signs He’s Wasting Your Time
One swallow does not make spring.
And one sign in isolation does not necessarily mean he does not and will never get serious.
Keep in mind, indeed, that the signs in isolation can be misleading. So you must take that into account and look for patterns, quantity and frequency.
The more of them you see and the more often you see them, the more likely it is that he is a time-waster.
#1. He Says He’s Not The Commitment Type
Telling if a guy is wasting your time can be easy sometimes.
As Greg Behrend says in “He’s Not Just That Into You“, if he says he is not the relationship type of guy, then stop wondering.
He told you all you need to know.
Don’t be like my ex, who when I told her I wasn’t the relationship type still tried to “reform me”:
That ended up with her heartbreak, and with my own “guilt baggage” (I met her again years later and it felt great to see she was doing well and I was able to apologize).
However, often, it’s not that cut and dry and some POS of men will not tell you things directly.
Luckily, these are still several strong early indicators to tell you if your boyfriend or sexual partner is of the “time wasting” kind.
#2. Sends Mixed Signals
Sending mixed signals is a clear sign he’s not yet 100% ready to commit. That might change, but it’s a first warning sign.
Mixed signals are also a major warning sign of avoidant attachment types, which don’t make good relationship partners.
What are mixed signals?
Here are some examples:
- One day he’s all over you, another day he’s distant
- Today he talks about holiday together, then he’s not sure if he’ll have time
- Last week he texted 2 times a day, now it’s been 5 days and no single text
Anything that makes feel you like “it’s going somewhere” and then makes you unsure is the concrete sign of mixed signals.
#3. He Talks About Other Women
- Talks about other women
- Points to other women to ask your opinion
- Talks a lot about his exes
- Comments on other women’s attractiveness in your presence
In any case, it’s a strong sign that, if you want commitment, you might have to look for it with someone else.
#4. He Has No Jealousy Whatsoever
Conversely, if he’s very open to talk about your ex or what you think of other men, that’s a sign that he’s not jealous at all.
Little jealousy could be a good thing… But no jealousy at all can also be a sign he doesn’t want anything serious.
Researcher John Gottman indeed found out that a complete lack of jealousy is often the precursor of a break up.
Men who want their women for themselves should show at least a hint of protectiveness and jealousy.
When I was dating around I used ask girls a lot about their exes and their other current options.
One because I’m curious -makes sense I started this website, no?- and two because, in a way, it was my signal that they should be looking elsewhere for a serious thing.
So no jealousy at all and him asking about other men is are big, big signs that he’s wasting your time.
#5. His Future Doesn’t Include You
If he talks about his future without including you in it, it can be a bad sign. Especially if you’ve been dating for a while.
If you just started dating, it’s not a big signal as it might simply be a guy who takes his time instead of rushing in.
These are the signs when he talks about:
- The places he wants to see (not the places you should visit together)
- His projects and what it means to him (not the two of you)
- The cars he wants to buy (and not where he wants to take you with them)
- The money he wants to make (and now hot he wants to make you and him better off with that money)
As a matter of fact, to find out if he is wasting your time encourage him to talk about the future, and then see how he talks and related to the future.
Is it just him? Or is it both of you?
#6. There Is No Relationship Growth
Relationship that lead to committment often get there following a path.
That path is not carved in stone, but there are a few common milestones that can provide you with good information.
It’s a bad sign if he avoids anything that would send the message that the two of you are growing closer, such as:
- Avoids doing anything on Saint Valentine
- He has no idea where this is going
- Never introduces you as either his girlfriend or the one he’s dating
- No gifts, ever
- The time you spend together stays the same (ie.: at his place and little more)
- Has some stupid rules about “no sleep overs”
“Jokes” about not sleeping over also count. There is always a backdrop of truth in jokes.
#7. He Never Initiates Contact
Men who are serious about relationships and are secure in their attachment don’t play “who texted to whom” games.
If the only conversation he initiates is about scheduling hook ups, you have another bad sign.
Notice that only meeting for sex might be the start of an actual relationship. But it needs to take off and expand from there. And to test if he’s serious, you might want to propose doing more things outside of his place (just don’t propose to exchange BJs for a trip with her like a lady did to me, that’s truly a terrible game).
#8. He Says He Has Past Issues
Yep, if he’s saying it… Believe him.
You’d be surprised how many people hear those words, but totally ignore them.
They tell themselves “well… Who hasn’t”.
But most people who have “normal” issues and exes don’t talk about buggages.
Men who talk about buggages are often code-communicating they are still into their exes, that they are not ready to move on and that they truly have commitment troubles.
Don’t listen to your girlfriend sayind it’s OK, they are being bad girlfriends -or at least, bad at giving advice-.
Instead, consider it for what it is: an important warning sign that he might be wasting your time.
Look At The Whole
It’s worth repeating:
One sign by itself might be misleading.
Don’t stop and don’t stress about each and any single sign.
But look at the whole.
How do you feel, overall?
Let me be frank: if you are asking yourself whether or not is a time waster is already a negative sign.
False Signs He’s Wasting Your Time
There are many articles around the web helping women decode if he’s a time waster.
But they are seldom written by real dating experts and by people who really understand psychology.
That type of advice is not only generic, but often misleading.
Here are some signs that don’t necessarily mean he’s wasting your time:
- Meet / Doesn’t Meet Your Friends
Some guys are naturally outgoing and enjoy crowds and new people.
Some others are shy, introverted or outright antisocial.
Thus meeting or not meeting your friends can often be more a reflection of his personality than his seriousness about relationships.
- Never Takes You Out Anywhere
Some guys love doing things with girls they’ve just met.
Some others are more about chilling because. It’s not that they don’t take you out much, it’s that they just don’t go out much in general.
So always double check with this one with his lifestyle. If he’s all work, or all work and videogames, then don’t stress it.
- (No) Public Affection
This is another sign that many women mistakenly use an indicator of a guy who’s wasting their time.
It could be, but again, this also often more a reflection of his personality.
Some men are highly effusive in public while some others tend to keep the romance behind the curtains.
What To Do When He’s Wasting Your Time
And now, the big question.
Imagine after this article you realized that yes, he might be wasting your time.
What do you do?
Some very popular dating books for women would let you believe you better never ask for a relationship.
But that’s the wrong approach.
Consider this: a survey showed that 60% of the women who got married were ready to walk away if the man wasn’t going to commit. That suggests that those women were not afriad of fielding their demands.
And as Harvey righteously points out, asking for the commitment what you want is a sign of quality.
It shows you think you are worthy of a stable relationship and that you communicate clearly, without playing games (that’s how secure attachment types communicate).
Here’s how you can structure it:
You: Tom, we have been seeing each other for a while now. And I really like you and cherish time this. I feel I need something more tangible and stable out of it. Deep down, I am looking for a committed relationship. How’s your point of view in this.
Or instead, if you want to be more aggressive, already after the 2nd or 3rd time you meet after sex you can say what my ex-girlfriends said:
You: I don’t do sex outside of relationships.
If he replies with anything that’s not a timeline or a tangible sign of commitment, start cutting back the time you spend together.
How to Stop Time Wasters
Some men are as*holes and some men play a lot of mind games.
These are the reasons why men waste women’s times, including women who seek long-term commitment and a family:
- Ego validation
- Safety of emotional attachment
- To keep the sex coming
Unluckily, you cannot change that.
You can’t change men, but you can stop men from wasting your time. And, after all, that’s all you need to do.
The first and most important step is mental.
And it comes with the realization that hoping to only meet high-quality men and real leaders who will take a personal loss over your well being will not get you anywhere.
Because those men are rare.
You must go from “is he wasting my time” to “am I allowing him to waste my time?”.
The second step is to ask for what you want and need.
I have plenty of articles up on how to do that effectively and while retaining your allure and femininity, so browse around.
The third step is to have a timeline.
If you don’t get the commitment you want, you must break up (just don’t put in the form of a breakup threat).
The fourth step is following through with your breakup.
You’d be surprised at how many women get the commitment they wanted after a breakup.
But don’t break up with that mind. Break up with the idea of looking for someone who can give you what you want.
You must go from “is he wasting my time” to “am I allowing him to waste my time?”.
No, you’re not being paranoid asking yourself if you’re wasting your time with him.
As a matter of fact, you should be asking yourself that question. And then use this article and your gut feeling to listen for the answer.
When you’re still not clear: ask for the commitment you want.