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Palace doorman making continuous reference to the content of my incoming correspondence
I learned from a friend that in Brazil they have a say 'using your little power'. It's often used by people who don't have much power in their life, but at some very punctual times, they do have some. And they abuse it.
Imagine any a high-quality, high-status man approaching a window in a gov office. He looks the part too. There's a low-quality, low-status man that was content to accept a low paying job in his 20s and has kept it for the last 30 years, doing nothing but stamping passports.
The officer resents the high-quality man. He blames him for the shitty life he has now (and hot his past decisions or laziness of course! lol). If only he could do something to get back at this magnificent specimen that reminds him of all things he's not...
But wait! There's something. The high-quality man needs the stamp. And he's the only person in the building, perhaps in the country, that can issue that stamp! He has 30 years of experience coming up with excuses on how these stamps somehow cannot be applied to a passport. The high-quality man will be furious. This will be fun to watch!
Bel I think you have that situation. As many others here with good jobs or positions of power, you are being targeted simply because you remind him of all things he's not... and that hurts.
Not sure what's actionable for you that would solve this situation, tho.
LoF analysis completes what has been already said. Seeing things through this man's eye. I think you're spot on.
Regarding ignoring, if you want to go this road, I would just say "thanks" without addressing the content.
Something else, I think in a twisted way, he thinks that what he does is cool. He a bit living vicariously living through you. It's like he "borrows" a bit of your life and get to be part of it.
So there is also some clumsiness I think. Recognising it will allow to take the distance to be more eagle like and respond appropriately.
Update: I was with my partner and passing through. The doorman had a letter for me. This is the dialogue that ensued:
Him: Here’s for you, but I need a signature here. Either the secretary’s or the lawyaa’s.
Me: (starting to sign, then looking at him): She’s not my secretary by the way.
Him: (while I signed): Ah, so she lied about being a secretary for months!
Me: You were the one to start telling her actually.
Him: Well she said it was true!
Me: (looked at him and made a perplexed face)
He did not say anything about the content of my letter, so it’s possible my previous interaction worked in subtly letting him know I didn’t appreciate.
I feel I was able to start checking his remark this time (everything happened unconsciously and very quickly). The good thing is, unlike in the past, not addressing it was simply not an option for me. I just couldn’t stay silent.
I also think it was good to concentrate on the joke about my partner over the one about me (he said “lawyaa” deliberately); if I had done the opposite I would have come out as the one focused on himself and ignoring my partner.
If it happens again, I think I’ll go with the “seems you’re trying to enter into a competition here: as I said she’s not my secretary, and I’m not a lawyaa”.
Thank you Lucio, guys: I feel this is a significant progress!
Well done, Bel!
Very eagle-style to defend your partner, too (a power-aware turkey there might have power scalped and joined forces with the doorman against their partner, playing up the "my secretary who's below me" storyline).
Another good option there, is to defend your partner while building her up:
She'd be a great secretary if she wanted I'm sure (aligns to avoid to big a rapport break, but also avoids social sclaping on the secretary as a job), but she's my partner and not working for me.
She's a smart woman with her own things going on
Given our current general culture there is also a covert one-up sub-communicated there: you're an old-school misogynist to imply women are subservient, and my woman is an empowered woman.
Thanks Lucio, that’s next level again!
Hey man,
Congrats, talking about next level (golden answer, I agree BTW), I see you're levelling up. In the two last post, I can see now that you're shifting your mindset to standing up for yourself. It's an important step, congratulations! It seems like something "clicked".
Hey John,
Thank you for your kind words and support!
I always tried to stand up for myself when I saw disrespect, but finding TPM and its community has made the difference.
Update: I went to get a letter, and the doorman behaved much more respectfully (and also more distant). He also did not mention its contents.
So we can consider this a success.
I take from this that:
- demanding respect in a specific instance may have an effect on all disrespectful behavior from a person (I never asked him to not guess my correspondence's contents);
- he knew full well what he was doing in guessing and metioning my correspondence's contents.
Congrats! You asserted your boundaries. Rinse and Repeat.
Of course he was.
He can guess all he wants. Just keep it to himself.
Rock on, Bel!
I'd wait a couple more interactions just to be sure that the new improved behavior is there to stay, and then you can also write this down under your wins.
After that, you may also start thinking of adding back some more warmth, and at that point it will be warmth from a position of higher power, so if all is good, not anymore a signal of "can be pushed around" but one of "what a magnanimous guy".
