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Palace doorman making continuous reference to the content of my incoming correspondence
Quote from John Freeman on July 18, 2022, 9:55 pmIt's all good. I did not get the joke! (really)
For clarification (if need be): "Dude" is affectionate in my mind.
Yeah I know you are! Hence the support! This is encouragement! You're a rockstar, man!
Thank you John. I feel close to you in many ways.
Thank you Lucio. I'll reflect on this and think about the options you all suggested.
Yeah, I missed that possibility. True, he could be a real physical threat hence Bel's attitude. I get it. It's different to read it than to see the person/vibe.
He could have the creep/sick fuck vibe.
It is a challenging situation, though. We all recognise it. This guy is just a horrible person using intimidation just to feel powerful, pathetic.
Yeah, plus considering he's already inside your building, 5 days a week.
Even beyond the extreme risks, that are very rare anyway, it's still a person you're going to see daily.
You see daily a person you hate VS a person you like, it's going to make a difference in your life.
So you always want to think a tad deeper on how to handle the people who are close to you -either emotionally or physically, the "proximity principle"-.
Right, it makes sense. To me this guy crossed too many lines though. But yes, it's important to be machiavellian about it, not emotional.
It isn't much the fact that he's threatening physically, he's not.
It's that he is inside my building 6 days a week, and he is friends with the palace manager. So removing is not an option.
I could threaten him legally, but I picked up from other posts from Lucio that it is better to exhaust all possible "personal" avenues before destroying a (however fake) personal relation with a "covert enemy".
That said, I think these options could work in this situation:
- Low-assertiveness assertiveness:
Hey X, I have this curiosity: how did you even know what was inside my letter yesterday.
Let him reply, and then:
OK, but man, it feels strange when one tries to guess what's inside other people's post. What if I was ordering a vibrator. I'd prefer we keep it private from now on (smile)
This allows me to escalate later on and has no apparent drawbacks (no revenge likely if we keep it this way as first try).
2. Only tell him not to talk about your post publicly, see if he'll stop for good even when you're alone
Could work. Because he knows I'm a lawyer and could be afraid of this somewhat.
3. Ignore it and see if it disappears -it's possible he's just trying to get a raise out of you-
I'm totally sure he is trying to get a raise out of me. So I think ignoring and showing indifference could work. This could be the first thing to try. Also because I don't receive much post.
By the way, this:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 18, 2022, 9:44 pmI think the issue here started when:
- You got somewhat close to someone it was better stay "warm-ish" at a shallow level
- Let some disrespect go by, made him think he was above you
- Cut contact later on, which annoyed him as he thought he was above and couldn't stand losing face
is totally spot on, and confirms that disrespect has to be checked immediately at the earliest, and that being able to pick up on bad personalities is a good skill to have.
A fourth option:
4. Ignore if only I am present, push back in public (because I'm sure he's going to continue to guess the content even if he doesn't mention it again)
If he does it in front of others: X, have you been looking into my correspondence again? You know it’s illegal. (serious smile)
By the way, some more context: he mentioned something once that gave me the feeling he is prone to "get revenge" covertly.
Hey X, I have this curiosity: how did you even know what was inside my letter yesterday.
Best option I think. This is how I would actually approach these kinds of situations (when I'm detached ;) )
I would not use the vibrator, as he could use it as a joke:
Him: Hey Bel! Another vibrator? I did not look, just asking. Hahahaha
It's a kind of agree-and-amplify that could turn against you. Just this would work just as well:
OK, but man, it feels strange when one tries to guess what's inside other people's post. I prefer (rather than conditional, higher power) we keep it private from now on (smile)
Update:
By the way, some more context: he mentioned something once that gave me the feeling he is prone to "get revenge" covertly.
This
It's that he is inside my building 6 days a week, and he is friends with the palace manager.
And this are key elements that affect your attitude of course.
Thanks John.
I don’t think fear of conflict is involved this time; I thought about assertiveness first. Albeit I’m going toward the side of just ignoring for now. Because this guy the doorman is really, as Lucio correctly identified him, a person focused on others as a way of life, prone to covert harassing.
My reaction upon reading your first post here was not ideal: what I wanted to communicate is that I would appreciate if you could tone down express encouragements and emotional tones, because these, although not willingly, still paint me somewhat as a person not really knowing what he’s doing: and while that may be at times, I’m trying to learn and do better as all writing here. I think keeping the conversation more matter-of-fact will make even more of a pleasure to talk with each other.
I decided to start with “ignoring”. Today I passed by the doorman (we were alone) and he had another package for me. He said
Doorman: (very warmly) Hi! Here it is! A nice bottle of Grand Marnier! (hands me the package).
Me: (flat tone, no warmth) Thanks. Nice gift.
I wanted to joke that, since he knew the content (not right by the way), he was gifting the package to me. But it’s possible he interpreted my remark to mean I was receiving the package as a gift from a client.
My question is if I am doing the “ignoring” right by still engaging with superficial politeness and by trying to one-up him: one-upping him could prompt him to escalate, and do something so out-of-bounds that I will then be justified to go full-attack mode in front of everyone.
On the other hand, another way to go would be to remove my one-upping back, or even remove my superficial politeness (ie not even say “thanks”).
My take at my own question: it’s better to “ignore” by still engaging, because stopping engaging with superficial politeness could be interpreted by him in the sense that what he is doing is working.
On the one-upping back, I am undecided if it is conducive to the outcome I want (which is for him to stop these moves). I am starting to lean in the direction of cutting it out.
If the doorman does try to give the package to you as if it's a gift he is giving then highlighting the dynamics involved will point out to him to not do it again.
Doorman: (very warmly) Hi! Here it is! A nice bottle of Grand Marnier! (hands me the package).
Bel :- Don't guess the contents man, you won't be a good delivery man then. (Tone it like you are giving him advice).
