Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
People pulling moves I've stated to not appreciate.
Cheers guys.
Lately I've found a big problem related to a power move most people know I don't appreciate.
So long story short in college a guy some time ago gave me a name he thought was funny, after lots of time allowing people to call the name to me I started telling people that I didn't appreciate it.
Some stopped doing it, others still kept doing it on purpose, and a few called me the name and then said that "they didn't realize they had called me by that name", or that "it was now a habit" as nasty if not more than the previous ones.
The fact that I don't appreciate it is usually taken as a joke, people tell others behind my back about the name in case they don't know about it, that or they say something that includes the name, be it mentioning how I don't like being called the name or how they used to call me it. To sum it up they pull moves using it.
Today I was thinking about how to stop them from doing it and then it dawned me: They do it and that does disempower me more than usual precisely because I don't want them to pull that move and everybody knows it. Plus checking any power moves related to the matter threads expand on the fact that I don't appreciate it which they find funny, so it's a loss whether checked or unchecked.
So the solution would be to change the frame that "I don't like to be called the name". I don't have to state it directly, simply to not react after being called it, not drawing boundaries with nasty people, or simply smirking and pulling different power moves when they do thus making me seem confident and/or above them:
- if somebody calls me from the distance by the name because they want to tell me something I'll play dumb and act as if I didn't hear them.
- Another good strat could be to go with affectionate dominance with babying each time they call me the name. Most people won't think that I don't appreciate being called the name since I'm smirking and "having fun" but they will realize that if they call me it they will be disempowered and/or treated as if they were dumb.
As soon as I gain more status and respect I can start checking those moves in a more relaxed matter, since the nastier folks won't feel like I "forced them" to treat me respectfully, they most likely will do it willingly.
Do you all have any thoughts on the matter? I appreciate any valuable advice in case you have.
Hi Power Duck,
you made a great analysis of the situation here.
My take would be - after you stated once "My name is Power Duck, btw [smile]" to no avail - or in your case how you don't like to be called by that name now - to do the following:
- where you think it may work, go more meta (if not done already):
"Hey Jim, I understand it may be funny for you to call people funny names, but it isn't funny for other people nor puts you in a very positive light.
And I think it may be best if we start our relationship again on the right foot, since I've asked you more than once to not do so again."
or something similar.
2. if not feasible or doesn't work, use the "it seems you guys are still trying to enter into a competition with me" frame, explained here.
The beauty of this technique is that it frames these people as below you, and trying to catch up by using the nickname: but it does so in a covert way.
Repeat as needed - see the follow up posts in that thread as to what to say if the issue repeats.
The more you repeat, the more they seem dorks.
3. If it doesn't still stop, I'd consider to even go to war and reciprocate with a tit for tat - ie call them funny names yourself.
Thanks Bel.
1 seems a good option for both submissive and people that aren't really nasty.
I think 2 and 3 are pretty good too, when they call me names directly it's a good option, one doesn't set boundaries directly but if the other person becomes stubborn (be it asking why did you make that statement or calling you the name again) then one does it framing them as dumb while being level headed and calm.
I'm thinking about whether or not it could be used in other instances like this one:
Guy: when I got to college I barely knew anyone, first I knew this guy, then I met this other guy in this party, and the first time I knew you was by Donald, and then you told me that you didn't like being called the name.
Power Duck: of course I prefer being called by my name, my mother gave it to me for a reason. (With a smirk as if saying man that was so dumb)
(Since we've just started new college year the dynamic isn't cemented so they're testing the ground by calling me the name in a sneaky manner, and possibly later escalating)
I was going to write that the response wasn't ideal, but I think that it actually is, the only thing I failed was in the tone:
A babying and/or sarcastic tone would be good here, I thread expand on the fact that it was a stupid statement while disempowering him. If he surfaces my nastiness, I can either go meta (depends on who is around us), and frame him as sneaky:
Power Duck: lately you mention a lot that name in a way that seems unintentional. It's quite a coincidence.
Then going meta:
and it's funny because if you wanted to call me that name on purpose you can simply make me look like as thin skinned while calling it to me whenever you want, but it didn't work. It's quite a coincidence that you always find a way to include that name in the conversation isn't it. (Frame stealing, if he defends or justifies I won)
Stating that with a smirk instead of stating it in a serious manner is the way to go. And of course that is better stated if youre either both alone, or he isn't around other turkeys who call you the name.
If he is around other turkeys or is a experienced player, framing me as thin skinned would be a very good option. If there isn't anyone else around I already stated that he would do that, so I can simply smirk and stablish boundaries.
Will keep thinking about this, since I don't have a response yet when they are more than one around.
Again thanks Bel for the response and for the links.
I was in the same situation in my college frat. They started calling me this name because they saw me meditating on the porch and likened it to a meme.
I like the affectionate dominance response which is what I used:
C: What’s up [nickname]
Me: hey buddy/chief/nickname (pat him on the shoulder)
Or tit for tat and disempowering them in some other way.
The intentions were pretty obvious in that environment (jockeying for status) so going meta didn’t seem like the right way to go maybe Bel’s response of calling out that it seems like a competition would’ve worked.
Overall, seeming unaffected and going higher power while decreasing warmth usually worked.
