"It feels like you want to enter into a competition with me": effective meta response to power moves

Quote from Bel on June 20, 2022, 1:14 pm

My former "boss" used to always covertly compete with me and constantly one-up me. In the end I myself started to one-up him back on every small issue he raised. Then, during one of the discussions this generated, the following came up:

Boss: This isn't a competition.

Me: You're the one who always starts a competition on everything here!

While the statement "this isn't a competition", as used by him, was clearly another covert preemptive and aggressive power move (to frame me as the one who tried to one-up him, while in reality it was him who tried to one-up me), I'm thinking whether it could also be used as a shorter version of this technique, or maybe as a follow-up to this technique in case other person continues to power-move.

Building on the example above:

Power-mover: (in front of others) Hey, how’s it going little lawyer?

Me: Hey, if you address me like that it feels like you’re trying to enter in competition. I’d rather you call me just Bel.

(Some time later)

Power-mover: (in front of others) Hey big lawyer!

Me: X, as I already said, this isn't a competition. Now if you'll please excuse me.

* click on blockquote above to expand

It seems to add a judge power move to the original statement, so it's stronger: which may be warranted by the other person continuing to try to one-up.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 6:22 am

It might work.

Still thinking and mulling this over.

But right now I feel it's too brief so it doesn't expand enough on your own power move / self-defense.

Sometimes, especially in person, it's good to add some words because it makes the message clearer and it adds more time to sink-in.

Compare:

This isn't a competition

With:

I feel like you're often stuck into this competitive mode with me man, and it's getting tiring. I'm niehter a small lawyer, nor a big one. My name is Bel. Please call me Bel going forward, OK (look at him, not angry nor aggressive, but stern, and nodding your head as if to call your own "yes" as a reply)

The first one is "just" an answer.
Not bad, it still sends the message you saw the move and can take protective action.
But probably not the last time you need to do it.

This second one is a lot more likely to be the last time you need to enforce your boundaries.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 29, 2022, 2:47 am

Quote from Bel on June 20, 2022, 12:12 pm

(...)

Lucio, that’s great!

In fact after reading several of your posts I picked up on this answer you suggest for several moves:

”It feels you are trying to get competitive/enter in competition with me”.

The beauty of this statement is that it frames the other person (who just power-moved) as lower power, and trying to catch up (which btw is exactly as it is!).

It subcommunicates both that one understands what’s going on, and that one will shame the power mover by pointing out his lower power if he should continue.

It’s so great that in fact I thought yesterday about making it a stock answer for many situations.

Expanding on this, Lucio once said:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 25, 2021, 3:43 pm

...labeling can easily expand on a negative frame you don't want to expand (unless as a starting point, or as an uncovering technique to show how uncool it is).

Knowing what to use and when is based on emotional intelligence, to understand the specific situation.

This "it feels" version of the statement is a label and may not be the best for all situations, but could still be potentially effective in cases where one wants to:

1. Use it as a starting point: where you have a plan to move more collaboratively afterward or draw a final line in the sand and walk away.
2. Use it as an uncovering technique: to get information (more than frame surfacing, this could also be a form of frame shocking if done well and unexpectedly enough).
3. Use it in an exceptional case that's unlisted: such as if you want to frame someone as hotheaded and know that this label will rile them up, you could pull it out to purposely escalate while remaining calm and cool-headed to socially isolate them (though, that feels more like a Smart Alec move, hence why it's an example of an "exception"...and a move I wouldn't recommend).

Still, I feel like negative frames lead to negative outcomes more often than not (unless utilized strategically such as with one of the ways above), so maybe rewording this label with more positive sentence structure could be more productive for both parties depending on the situation.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 29, 2022, 5:03 am

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 29, 2022, 2:47 am

Still, I feel like negative frames lead to negative outcomes more often than not (unless utilized strategically such as with one of the ways above), so maybe rewording this label with more positive sentence structure could be more productive for both parties depending on the situation.

Great point!

The principle of:

Give shit, get shit back, and both drown in manure.

Still, there's at least one more important use case for that approach:

• Initial uncovering "salvo" for when you need to draw a stronger line in the sand: if they didn't get the message you don't appreciate, or if they got it but persist, then you need to draw a stronger line.
  Often that will be enough to change the behavior for good. If not, then it's OK and you're prepared to end the relationship so it doesn't become an endless conflict, but just the last exchange you have (you don't want a relationship with a value taker anyway, so it's no loss at all)

So you can use that line, as you perfectly say, as a starting point and uncovering technique, to eventually draw your line.
For example:

You: It feels like you're entering into a competition with me
Him: no, I was just making a joke
You: yeah, but it's a competitive joke (frame imposing, make them defend or deny with low effort)
Him: man, no, it's... (whatever they say)
You: maybe I wasn't clear last time, so let me clarify this... (explain why you don't want to be called X, made fun of, be on the receiving end of their competitive games, or whatever bothered you)

Then keep on going until the issue is fully surfaced and you're talking as equals, rather than him making fun of you from a supposedly higher position.
At which point you can simply end it by saying "I'm glad we clarified. So you call me with my real name, I call you with your real name, and we're good".