Forum Moving

We’re transitioning to Discord.
Power University alumni, link here.
👉 Use Google to search this forum.

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Group dynamic - The guy that don't talk much but act like he read and figured you out


We are 3 to 5 guys having lunch. I share, they share, everybody is having fun. It's fine.
There is this 1 guy. Who doesn't share as much as the other.
He is not sharing his views, not as much as the rest of us, he is colder, he not putting skin in the game. He is more on the listening side.
From PU perspective: the guy spending less effort is the most powerful. And he is using a dominance style that could be "Cold blood type".
He is making just small comments. But I feel this is unbalanced.

Then here is what happens:

Some of the guys around the table talk to him more, they share more and more. He is listening with a distracted attitude, and they keep talking. It is like they are trying to keep his attention.
They are trying to gain his approval. I used to do that too.
And he is chased. What a nice position to be in.

The problem I feel is at the end, I don't know the guy. I don't know what he thinks. Where he stands. If I like him or not.
But I also feel the need to be liked by him.

Then, here is what happens:
He starts talking to me like he knows me. Like he "gets" me. Like we are super close.
It feels off and manipulative.
I feel like he is above me. He makes feel like he is seeing through me.
I think that's because he knows things about me, more than I do about him.
I also think that's because he has this "Observing" attitude, that feels "JUDGMENTAL". Not sharing a lot. And turning everything into mockery and ridicule.

He smiles, and make small sneaky comments.
And it puts me into self-doubt mode.
Did I say something bad about me? Is there something ridicule about me?
Why is he smiling at me when I speak? When he sees me? What is funny?
I am like; I don't know why, I don't remember we get some things to laugh at on a constant basis.
Moving forward: I get angry, resentful, I stop going to those lunches with him, I avoid him. And let him fade.

So my problem here is:
1/ How would you handle such a guy/dynamic?
I suppose 1 way is to ignore it. But it gets under my skin. Fading is the way I chose until now. Using Philosopher frames.

2/ What do you do if you want to keep the other friends/colleagues even though they don't see what you see and they keep chasing him?

Changed title

John F had some similar situations:

In the end he decided to cut this person out of his life and he came up with some nice rules on how to safely form a win win social circle.

I m sure Lucio has folded some of that into PU by now.  Since it sounds work friendship group the PU section on frenemies would be great to study





Lucio Buffalmano, Matthew Whitewood and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew WhitewoodKavalierMathieu

Hello Transitionned,

Thank you for your support.

So he IS a social climber, a nasty one?

So I suppose I chose the right solution by putting distance between us, and let our relationship fade.

What is the mindset to have vs someone who pretends he figured you out? Someone who put pressure and "expect" you to talk when facing you, and how do you address it with words?

John had a lot of discussion threads on this situation basically a whole case study on a similar situation.  I d suggest you read them all.

I d suggest mirroring his approach.  You will have to give some specific examples if you want words.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano
Scroll to Top