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Power taking teacher.
Hello, everyone.
I have a little problem:
Today I had online private classes with another college student who´s in last year of the same degree im studying. Unfortunately for me he is very power taking, he´s often rude, and makes comment that put me off like:
- No, no you completely made that up.
- Look, (a name that isnt mine) its this way.
I often dialed down the warmth, and remained a little bit more serious smiling from time to time. However today I switched the warmth almost to 0, whenever he asked me something I purposely took some time to answer and the same goes when he asked me to look up for something. (I´d rather not do this but I dont like being disempowered) I didnt laugh/smile during the whole call and each time he made a "funny" remark about me not understanding the lesson or taking a lot of time to make an activity I would ignore him and act as if he hadnt said anything.
So when the time was up he told me he would look up if something he told me was right and exited the call without saying goodbye.
So my question is: Should I remain submissive to avoid "outshining the master", or should I remaing high power and dial up the warmth from time to time? Because I really dont want the guy whos teaching me to become resentful with me.
Any ideas?
Shouldve added that he isnt like this the whole time, he seems to be a decent guy however he often makes power taking comments.
Hello Power Duck,
It's really difficult to advise without asking many questions back to truly understand the dynamics -including what's in it for you in all of this- (the discounted coaching call for PU alumni may be a good approach for the future).
However, just to contribute something, and going strictly by what you write here, I want to first make sure that it's not you who is contributing (or creating) the issue.
Here for example:
Quote from Power duck on May 3, 2023, 9:09 pmhe´s often rude, and makes comment that put me off like:
You: No, no you completely made that up.
Him: Look, (a name that isnt mine) its this way.
Frankly, without any context, it's your words that first sound disempowering.
And, depending on the situation and if I know that what I'm saying is true, I could see myself answering the way he did if someone I'm teaching to were to tell me "you made that up".
Of course, he may have been far more rude before, and you know that better.
However, one potentially good option is to tell him straight up when he is being rude or disempowering.
Because you going lower warmth and taking time to execute, if it's part of a trend, sounds a lot like passive aggression.
PU's lists as techniques of self-defense both the lower warmth, and delayed execution.
But the lower warmth is more for very dominant folks who aren't actively disempowering you (example in PU is when dealing with "hyper alpha" types such as Jocko Willink). And the delayed execution is more for one-off tasking, and it's not the best approach when it's repeated over time (when it becomes more passive aggressive).
So if this guy is actively disempowering you, calling it out may be the best option.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 3, 2023, 11:35 pmincluding what's in it for you in all of this-
Yeah i agree on that, I dont think this post could be valuable/useful to other PU students. Sorry for that, shouldve thought about It a bit more before posting. (However I think I can get valuable info of this situation in regards to the way in which he disempowers me)
And thanks for the response, Ive realised that there are certain things in which i need to improve, as well as the way in which i could adress this situation.
P.S:
I'll try to avoid being a value taker, specially here.
By the way, the red and blue text isnt a conversation but what he usually tells me. I didnt explain It well.
Sorry man, I think my first message came across too strong or finger-pointin.
And it was because of a fundamental misunderstanding: you wrote two sentences HE said, and I thought it was a dialogue started by you.
So when I first read it, I mistakenly thought:
"Power Duck was out of line in his first sentence, could this be a case of him being an hole without realizing it (those cases can happen)? I may be wrong, but to do my job well it's the first thing I need to address. So how can I say that with enough tact and power protection...
That's why I also mentioned the call:
to address those root causes calls are a lot better (example: recently a coachee asked me how he can respond to power moves on the fly, but his major issue was that he had zero warmth and came across as haughty and arrogant: that was his main issue far more than responding to power moves)
Anyway, sorry again, my bad, please feel free to post as much as you want :)
I think you did well Power Duck with this asshole teacher.
And I also second Lucio's post that you being here and posting here is a great thing, and we all would love to talk more about this and other situations we may encounter.
I encountered similar dynamics about teachers trying to disempower me and also gym instructors trying to pick on me.
I remember in particular a gym instructor who, in front of my partner, at a first lesson we tried together, called me "skinny guy" probably ten times. At the time (before TPM) I did not know how to answer, but now I would simply either play the game back by calling him some derogatory name or just going with
My name is Bel by the way, teach.
So I guess this is a very common dynamic where these loser teachers basically pick on someone as a way to appear bigger than the little cowards they are.
On your question, I second Lucio's post that you need to make a cost-benefit analysis.
If this is just another college student "helping you", and you can afford to lose him, just tell him he's not behaving politely, and also probably best to change teacher altogether. Usually this kind of behavior in a teacher is indicative of not being competent, so changing could be beneficial on all sides.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 4, 2023, 8:38 pmSorry man, I think my first message came across too strong or finger-pointin.
And it was because of a fundamental misunderstanding: you wrote two sentences HE said, and I thought it was a dialogue started by you.
So when I first read it, I mistakenly thought:
"Power Duck was out of line in his first sentence, could this be a case of him being an hole without realizing it (those cases can happen)? I may be wrong, but to do my job well it's the first thing I need to address. So how can I say that with enough tact and power protection...
That's why I also mentioned the call:
to address those root causes calls are a lot better (example: recently a coachee asked me how he can respond to power moves on the fly, but his major issue was that he had zero warmth and came across as haughty and arrogant: that was his main issue far more than responding to power moves)
Anyway, sorry again, my bad, please feel free to post as much as you want 🙂
No worries :). Its completely normal to think that I couldve been coming off as an a hole. When I started to act high power some time ago and became power aware not only did I act as an asshole but I also became resentful and people noticed it. I´d like to think that I got rid of that .
P.S:
Theres a misunderstanding here on my part, I confused WIIFM with WIIFT, hence the apology for the post not being useful. (I think that you actually meant that what can a disempowering teacher offer you, I understood what can this post offer to us). Guess I´ll have to pay more attention to PU lessons as well as improve my english a bit haha.
Quote from Bel on May 4, 2023, 9:27 pmI think you did well Power Duck with this asshole teacher.
And I also second Lucio's post that you being here and posting here is a great thing, and we all would love to talk more about this and other situations we may encounter.
I encountered similar dynamics about teachers trying to disempower me and also gym instructors trying to pick on me.
I remember in particular a gym instructor who, in front of my partner, at a first lesson we tried together, called me "skinny guy" probably ten times. At the time (before TPM) I did not know how to answer, but now I would simply either play the game back by calling him some derogatory name or just going with
My name is Bel by the way, teach.
So I guess this is a very common dynamic where these loser teachers basically pick on someone as a way to appear bigger than the little cowards they are.
On your question, I second Lucio's post that you need to make a cost-benefit analysis.
If this is just another college student "helping you", and you can afford to lose him, just tell him he's not behaving politely, and also probably best to change teacher altogether. Usually this kind of behavior in a teacher is indicative of not being competent, so changing could be beneficial on all sides.
Thanks for the response Bel.
My name is Bel by the way, teach.
I really like your response, simple and straight to the point.
So I guess this is a very common dynamic where these loser teachers basically pick on someone as a way to appear bigger than the little cowards they are.
Yeah, I dont know if this is somehow related to culture/country/age (Ill probably create a post about it), but most people Ive met use this kind of games to feel better about themselves. And I think that this teacher of mine probably says these things both because hes probably unaware of his rudeness and because he wants to feel better.
As you said, I thought about WIIFM in this situation. The thing is that hes the only guy that I know in my city that teaches math. Fortunately its only me and him in the classes, so his moves dont affect my reputation or status with my peers. The only thing at stake here is my emotional wellbeing.
As i mentioned in another post when Im disempowered and dont do anything about it I usually feel bad about myself. However this didnt happen, I ignored his comments, didnt laugh, and he came off as a try hard that was making lame jokes. (I even felt better after the call)
Usually this kind of behavior in a teacher is indicative of not being competent, so changing could be beneficial on all sides.
He seems to explain things well, but yeah I would rather give my money to a more experienced and respectful teacher.
About telling him he´s being disrespectful: unless he says something really rude I dont mind having to deal with him, after all I get to practice the things I learn here with no negative repercussions for me :). (Plus I dont think his ego can handle it)
P.S:
I dont want to meddle in your private life, but having to deal with idiots trying to disempower you in front of your partner must be really tiresome. Thankfully for us we have TPM up our sleeve ;).
Quote from Power duck on May 5, 2023, 1:02 amP.S:
I dont want to meddle in your private life, but having to deal with idiots trying to disempower you in front of your partner must be really tiresome. Thankfully for us we have TPM up our sleeve ;).
It is a very common dynamic, and it stopped once I was able to see it.
Which proves that yours will also probably tend to reduce and stop now that you see them and respond accordingly.
but having to deal with idiots trying to disempower you in front of your partner must be really tiresome. Thankfully for us we have TPM up our sleeve ;).
I think that this comment could be disempowering, so, apologies for that Bel.
