Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Group conversations: when people draw public attention to your behavior (Host behavior)
Hi Lucio,
Thanks for the explanation, your additional post on your personal experience was also very insightful. However, I'm a little confused about if playing a good host this way will cause you to be perceived as insecure.
Under "Submissive Signs: How Submission Looks" number 5.3 is "Signs of Low Self-Esteem: Seeking Group Support".
Chances are I'm overthinking this, but imagine this:
Guy 1: Cracks a joke
Guy 2: Laughs
Guy 3: Stands there with a serious faceGuy 1: "Guy 3 is like 'what the *** is wrong with these people?"
By Guy 1 saying this, could it be perceived as him wanting to hear that he's still well accepted in that group by Guy 3?
How do you tell the difference between a man facilitating the mood to ease away the awkward social pressure from a man who seems emotionally/socially dependent on the approval of Guy 3?
Best regards,
Ali Scarlett
Hello Ali!
Well, good catch, because the two can look similar.
The difference is in why you are using the technique and, of course, how.
If your joke was good and Guy 3 there was being awkward, then you looking around and making a bridge comment towards Guy 3 helps to smoothen out the social interaction. Then, if you're a good leader, you'd get closer to Guy 3, for example looking at him and smiling, or high-fiving him. Anything that says "we're cool, and you're part of the team, even though you were a little bit awkward there".
It's insecure instead if your position in the group is shaky, your joke was bad, and you get afraid that you're not well accepted anymore.
Say, Guy 3 is gay and you made a homophobic joke about gay people.
Now Guy 3 silence is piling up social pressure on you, and you're afraid of being isolated.
Instead of owning up to the mistake, or accepting that the group might not accept you, you look around as if to say "guys, am I still good in this group? Show me some signs I'm still good with you. Back me up".
In this case, it would particularly bad because not only he'd look for reassurance, but he'd look for racist reassurance to pile on against a guy who's done nothing wrong except for having a different sexual orientation.
Does that make sense?
Ahh, so the major difference is the sign of social fear vs kind leadership.
Your explanations are the best mate, thanks for the clarification!
Ali
Yes, correct.
The main difference is where it comes from.
Once you have the leader mindset who takes care of smoothening the transaction, all the other nonverbal, will align to make sure you're not sending the message that you're looking for support out of fear.
Cheers Ali.
