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RE: First Impressions, the power dynamics of aggressive social openers
Related to a segment of the course, (named in the title).
In the final section (9) Aggressive gambit openers,
What are some possible responses to "what do you do?" in the context of the person asking having very low warmth, "I know better than you expression" and otherwise trying to get you to "prove yourself worthy"?
This very situation happened to me at my best friends wedding, being introduced to a couple, who were acting very aloof. Of course I briefly detailed what I do, but made out like it was nothing special at all, slowly turning my head away from her, scanning the party, slowed my speech slightly, without returning the question. I suppose you could sum up the vibe I gave as "bored" or "what a boring question".
I ask because although it's a very "standard" question, and the section of the course recommends not answering such questions, however I'm unsure what else you could "say", you could look defensive for not answering it. Having said that, words are only a part of it, the communication and delivery count very much.
Interested to know what others think, and also how you think I may have responded differently.
Hello Albert!
Very, very good question.
First of all:
Why It's Best Not to Answer
I include "what's your job" in the aggressive gambits because it's a rather personal question that usually should only come after you exchanged a few pleasantries.
As Wittenborn says in "The Social Climber's Bible", asking someone "what's your job" is the equivalent of asking "how much you make".
And if people wanted to show some respect and social tact, they shouldn't ask that as a first question.
I usually advise not to answer this type of questions directly because:
- The power dynamics says they are above you, and you are below (or they wouldn't have asked). And If you answer, you confirm that
- They are taking a "judge" role on you, and when you answer, you provide them with the information to judge you
- Finally, I find it socially aggressive, and offensive that people are waiting to judge you based on one thing about you, be it your job, or "where you come from"
The Dynamics of Your Response
First of all, you correctly felt and identified the dynamics there.
Well done, that tells me you have a good level of social intelligence.
And while you answered verbally, you tried to communicate nonverbally that you didn't appreciate.
Basically, you gave them the answer they wanted, but you coated with just enough hostility to communicate that you weren't really up to play that game.
Not too bad.
How to Avoid Answering
How to avoid answering at all?
This goes down to frames and frame control.
You need to refuse their frame of "I ask (and judge), you reply (and jump through my hoops".
Here are a few ways:
- Ask them why they are asking
I know, when we are good people, we don't usually expect assholes in lives.
And we don't want to behave anything like an asshole.
And this one does feel a bit like an asshole.
Yet, remember that they started out with a rather invasive question with their very first words.
You have all the right to ask them why they're asking that.
A good way to soften the blow to this one is to cushion it with warmth.
For example:
Him: What's your job?
You: Hey, hello. I have noticed you before because I loved your suit. May I ask you how come you're curious about my employment?
- Reply with proper social etiquette
Pretend they didn't ask about your job and reply as if they had approached you with proper etiquette.
For example:
Him: What's your job?
You: Hey, hello there, my name is Albert, pleasure meeting you
Him: Hi, my name is Max
You: Pleasure meeting you Max, how are you enjoying the party?
And then you can even tell him about your job.
But it will be on your terms.
On the other hand, if they don't play along and ask you again what's your job without even answering your question, then you know they are truly disrespecting you.
At that point, you might even call it out and just say "I'm sorry sir, I feel it's rude to keep asking me that when you don't even take the time to say hi".
- Draw attention to their awkward social behavior
This is a bit stronger, and it will break rapport while (socially) shaming them:
Him: What's your job?
You: (Smiles to himself, takes a few seconds) Do you always ask that as a first question, before even meeting someone?
On the other hand, if you execute it well and back it up with a confident demeanor, you will become the dominant party of the interaction because you are the one who is enforcing "proper" social etiquette.
When It's OK to Answer
In the course, I referred to exactly your situation.
People asking you with an attitude of knowing better, being more powerful than you are, or just waiting to judge you.
However, there are situations when one is asking very neutrally, or even friendly.
And some other times, people were just clueless on proper etiquette.
In those cases, it's OK to answer and just move on.
Basically, you are "submitting" here while acting in good faith that they were not being assholes but just a bit clueless.
If they share about themselves and they are friendly afteward, then that's all you need to know: they were indeed good people, just a bit socially rough around the edges.
How to Answer: Be Generic, Let Them Work for It, Ask The Same Back
In case you decide to answer, the good old tit-for-tat can work:
Him: what do you do
You: cosultant, how about you?
You want to be generic so that you don't look like you're putting too much effort.
Give something generic, let them work more for the information, and let them share more.
That way, it becomes a more balanced exchange.
In my case, that would look like this:
Him: what do you do
Me: I run an online business, how about you?
Him: I'm a doctor. What type of online business?
Me: Social psycohlogy. Power dynamics, games people play. This kind of stuff. What type of doctor?
Him: I'm a pediatrician. What do you mean power dynamics?
Now it's OK to answer and now I could give some examples, because he had to work for it, and I got to know what he does.
Makes sense?
One more situation that applies to this social dynamic:
When Aggressive Openers Are Trying to Impress You
If you look like a cool guy, or like a high-status person, sometimes people will want to impress you.
And driven, but socially unskilled people, will do it obviously and bluntly sometimes.
I will give you an example that recently happened to me while traveling to The Philippines, a poor country.
This was a woman sitting next to me to watch a fountain show:
Her: Where are you from
Me: Hey, hi. Europe. Why are you asking
Her: Where from Europe
Me: (calm, flat voice) Why are you asking
Her: Because I'm from Australia
Me: Oh, cool, what are you doing here...
....
Turns out, she wasn't from Australia.
But had moved to Australia, and made enough money to retire, buy a house both in Australia and in Vigan, where she was from. And wanted to show off.
Her discussion was a way of telling me: "I'm successful, I'm above the people around here, I'm at your level, let me prove it to you".
With these people, you want to show you appreciate their success. Confirm that, yes, they are doing great. But, usually, you don't want them in your close circle of friends.
To give another example, I do brazilian jiu-jitsu and there are situations out of uniform (a competition, a social setting) where people sometimes ask "what's your belt?" and much less aggressively "how long have you been training?" again the CONTEXT is important as you alluded to, however there are many times where it's a guy looking down his nose at you with squinted eyes asking aggressively.
One funny example was at a nightclub, a friend and I snuck into a private afterparty for a prestigious jiu-jitsu competition, there were hardly any women there, the few that were were extremely attractive and had lots of attention from the whole room, one of them must have liked how I looked and walked straight over to me to talk, strong eye contact...and her second question was "what belt do you have?" hahaha.
At that time, I had the lowest belt..she didn't stick around! But again, I took the bait of the question. This then happened again to me at another vip afterparty with another girl, at that time I had the blue belt so I said "my belt matches my eyes..", cheesy as hell, but it worked much better.
Very informative and insightful, thanks a lot Lucio!
Great topic!
Lucio do you think that people will do this more to you if they think that you are low value or not dominant enough?
Quote from Guest on February 14, 2020, 2:35 amGreat topic!
Lucio do you think that people will do this more to you if they think that you are low value or not dominant enough?
Yes, they will do it more often when they think they can boss you around.
On average, people are wary to show social aggression with those whom they feel are above them.
And that's the other reason why I recommend to sidestep or avoid answering: you don't want to confirm their own exalted feelings of being above you.
When they are trying to impress you though they are recognizing you as high value. But with their curt attitude, they are still trying to show that they are at your own level or above.
Alternatively, but it's rarer, these are very abrasive people who just don't know how to deal with others with warmth and collaborative frames. And they just treat almost everyone with that haughty attitude.
These tend to be lonely people with no real friends.
Hi,
I have a question
Context :(you are in store to buy something in different city , bigger city) the guy recognize you have an accent (he show no signs of warmth) and ask you where are you from ?
You don't answer : he ask you if you're ashamed of your city !
You answer : you feel he agressed you, especially when the interaction was brief (with no signs of friendliness)
How to handle that ? Do you need to escalate if he insist on knowing or show contempt ....I'm not that sensitive but some people make it feel like an Agression !
Thanks.
Quote from abadabio on August 4, 2020, 5:44 pmContext :(you are in store to buy something in different city , bigger city) the guy recognize you have an accent (he show no signs of warmth) and ask you where are you from ?
...
Hello abadabio,
Look, in this case, I wouldn't consider too much an aggressive opener.
"Where are you from" is worse when:
- You're in international environment, where people want to take your measures -and attach some stereotypes on you-
- You're one of the foreigners, where people are indirectly saying "you're not from here / you don't belong"
- You're in social settings, where one could choose many different kind of openings but instead go straight away for personal information
But in this case, it seemed more like normal chit-chat.
That guy was probably there doing the same checkout for hours, and was looking more to exchange some words, rather than pulling a power move on you.
Not answering might be considered rude in this case, and that's why he sought to escalate and rebalance power.
Still, once you're there, here's on way to handle it:
Him: Where are you from man
You: (silence)
Him: Are you ashamed of your city, man
You: I'm quite proud of it actually (but still not saying it, which preserves your power by sticking to your original choice)
