The Social Climber’s Bible teaches readers, in a fun and entertaining satire, how to engage in social climbing. In other words, how to shamelessly advance one’s life by making the right connections with the rich and famous

TPM Note: exaggeration and humor still expose real power dynamics
While this is meant to be a humorous interpretation of Machiavellianism, it still highlights real power dynamics and provides some valid strategies and thought processes.

Notes

About the Authors:
Dirk Wittenborn and Jazz Johnson collaborated to write “The Social Climber’s Bible“. They are careful not to share too much information about their own lives and experiences, but they sound like they know a thing or two about jet-setting.  

Social Climbing is Good

The authors say that as long as you keep thinking that social climbing is something “bad”, you’re never going to improve your life.

You need to reprogram yourself.
Social climbing means “pursuing friendships with those of higher social status”.

Plus, everyone does.
“Networking” is nothing but a more civil and polite way of defining what, in practice, is social climbing. 

🧠 Empowering thought: you’re a special person who could be more special if you just had more special friends

The Famous Ones Are All Social Climbers

Say to the authors:

Who are those boldfaced names chiseled on the walls of art museums, opera houses, hospitals, and Ivy League universities?
They’re social climbers.

They imply that philanthropy is social climbing, and it’s how the best social climbers “cleaned” their reputation:

If you pay for the new wing to a cultural institution, you are no longer a crass, pushy vampire squid who beat the rap on insider trading, you are the new best friend to the cultural elite of the world. 

But, at the end of the day, they were social climbers.

Make People Feel Good: You Only Got Your Personality to Offer

Based on our social exchange strategy and social investment model, the authors say that when you have no exchange value like money or connection, you only have personal value.

So you must be affable and service-oriented.
Never try to be the star of the show: let your host be that. You’re there to support him (and be invited back).
Help cover up other people’s faux pas, smooth out the interaction.

In a very Machiavellian read the authors say that it’s easier to take advantage of the Big Fish if you make the Big Fish believe they are using you and in debt with you.

And never forget to always bring a present.

Turtles and Swans: Your Best Social Climbing Friends

Turtles and swans have all the right connections that can help you.

• Turtles have social resources but are too shy, insecure, demure, or awkward to take advantage of them (ie.: they’re not climbers like you)

Your relationship with the turtle is a sort of fair exchange: they take you to a good party, and you show them how to have a good time there.
P.S.: never have sex with your turtle(s). They might want it, but you must avoid it.

• Swans are very beautiful and attractive men and women. Often, but not always, they’re actors or models

They are invited everywhere simply because they’re beautiful. 
Big Fish want to have sex with them, but sometimes invite them just so they can tell people they had sex with them.

Sometimes you can become friends with a swan, and they’ll be happy to bring along average people like yourself.
Sometimes they’re insecure that they have nothing beyond their beauty, and other times they’ll appreciate pretending they got a date as an excuse to deny people’s sexual advances without offending them.

Never fall for a swan.

Unicorns

Unicorns’ special traits come in multiples.

They are either super famous and super-rich, or super-rich and super attractive, or all three of them combined.

Examples of certified unicorns are the Clintons, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, Jay Z, Beyoncé, Prince William, Anna Wintour, etc.
All ex-presidents are unicorns (except Jimmy Carter).

You’re not a unicorn for life, though.
Madonna still thinks she’s a unicorn, but she’s not.

Never approach a unicorn directly, because they get approached all the time.
And direct flattery won’t work because they get that all the time from fawning fans. And you don’t want to be a fan.

The way into a unicorn’s inner circle if you’re still a nobody is exactly that: help them feel like normal people.
And say no to their freebies from time to time, because they get paranoid about being used by social climbers.

How to Spot A Big Fish

These are the signs of a potential Big Fish

• People clustered around them
• People hang on every word they say
• People laugh at their not-so-funny jokes
• All the above signs x10 if the target is not attractive

My Note: Those are also all signs of attraction
The author makes a great point that those signs are especially valuable if the person is not attractive since social power and attraction sometimes have the same signs -and overlap-.

If you want to know who the person is, ask the silly question to someone who is totally uncool, so you will not look clueless to important people. 
Then go Google them.

Climber Make-Up Stories

The only question the social climber will ask is: will I get caught?

Hillary Clinton said she landed in Bosnia in danger of enemy fire when, in fact, she was just strolling around in total safety.

Lies that work well include a past that shows a good upbringing: a privileged past is invaluable to social climbing. 

Marriages and Prenups

If you’re the one who wants to sign a prenup, you shouldn’t ask yourself whether your spouse is a gold digger, but you should be asking why you are marrying someone with so little to offer.

And if you are sub-handsome and rich and the penniless spouse says it’s unromantic to sign a prenup, then know that you are not only dealing with a gold digger but a gold digger who thinks you are sub-handsome and stupid.

Social Climbing Wisdom & Techniques

• A great social climber never looks line one
• Dress in a way that you stand out, but don’t stand out too much or you’ll look try-hard
• No matter how hard you’re trying to be someone you’re not, you must look natural 
• Always look and act like you belong
• If you only know the host, wait until they’re talking to at least two good targets before saying hello (and always start by saying how wonderful they look)
• The ignored wives of big shots can be a great, often overlooked opportunity for social advancement and party invitations (but watch out not to make the husband jealous if you’re a straight man)

Quotes

The book is hilarious, and there is an abundance of great and funny quotes.
Here are just a few of them.

The social climber knows that the truth is sometimes hurtful and cruel. And, most importantly, it doesn’t make you popular:

Telling people they look gorgeous when in fact they’re an eyesore or praising them for being wise when they have the intelligence of a cocker spaniel doesn’t make you a phony, it makes you a kind person.

On very attractive swans and borderline personality disorder:

Though Swans are not listed in the DSM, many psychiatrists categorize them as borderline personality types. Whether that is fact or vengeful thinking on the part of the members of the medical profession who do not get to ride Swans is open to debate.

On buttering people up:

Never underestimate the value of kissing your hosts on all four of their cheeks.

On networking at funerals:

Funerals and Wakes Funerals other than your own are a great place to social climb.
Wakes are basically cocktail parties with tears.

On making people feel good:

Play it safe and get off on a good foot by deliberately mistaking the bride’s or groom’s mother for her or his older sister.

CONS

Some advice was solid, but others I really didn’t agree with.
It could come across as tacky.

For example, adding to a letter “your secret is totally safe with me”, is too direct.
It feels like you’re forcing a connection and overselling your trustworthiness.

Review

The Social Climbers successfully occupies the crossroads between realistic tips and strategies to social climb, and an exercise in comedy and humor.

In that regard, it’s somewhat similar to “What Would Machiavelli Do“.

Sometimes you’re not sure whether the authors were joking or serious, but if you can read between the lines, you will get some good tips.
And you will learn the true mindsets of the most Machiavellian, calculative social climbers.

But careful with social climbing or it will undermine your status:

• Social climbing is killing your status

And if you want to become a big fish, instead of trying to approach one, see Power University: