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Responding to compliments with judge role by being a judge yourself.
Been recently thinking of using judge role myself on the compliments that have an inherent judge role in them. Would welcome your thoughts on this.
Examples -
Person - It's a nice place you got here.
Me - Good. You seem like someone who can recognise a nice place.
Person - well done. The food is good.
Me - it's good that you are someone who has good taste.
Person - Thank you for doing this for me.
Me - I am only happy to do it for a friend.
One and two seem both good to me.
How you say it makes the difference of course.
And what tonality is best varies depending on the circumstances.
But in general, if you say it too seriously, you get dragged down to the level of game-playing (the turkey-level).
And you'd rather fly higher.
So to fly higher, I'd say with a smile, while looking straight at them, and with a cheeky tonality.
As if to say "yeah, that was a bit of a one-up you just did on me, I'm doing one back at you, but it's just to be on equal footing, otherwise I appreciate your compliment, and I appreciate you for your qualities".
New idea:
Power Dynamics Traffic Light
This exchange gave an idea for a new concept.
the "power dynamics traffic light".
Such as:
- Green light (0-2): the net result of power accounting (giving/taking) is within low ranges. It doesn't impact your power and status in a significant way. And it's nothing you can't correct in the future. So you don't need to take immediate corrective actions and you don't need to worry too much about it
- Orange light (3-6): the net result of power accounting (giving/taking) impacts your status and power, and can cost you in terms of relationship and/or money. You want to take corrective actions (re-empowering techniques), and make a mental note about the individual. See if he changes tack later on
- Red light (7-10): the net result of power accounting (giving/taking) heavily impacts your status and power. If you let it slip, your relationship changes, and your status within the group changes. Letting it slip can also impact your bottom line.
You need immediate and assertive corrective actions, go meta, provide an "either/or", and/or enter into your own "Mach mode". Start plotting on how to win, and/or how to neutralize or cut contact with the individual if he doesn't change approach
In my opinion, the exchange in this thread was, overall, in the green.
There was some power taking, but nothing to worry about too much.
Of course, it's subjective what's green/orange/red, but this concept can still be helpful because it raises a new question that people who are learning power dynamics might not immediately ask themselves.
And the question is:
Is this really bad?
And that can help people better learn and assess.
Thoughts?
Edit:
I posted this in the wrong thread.
But it's still relevant to power dynamics in general.
I suppose the frequency is also important.
If someone continually plays green-light, power-taking moves, then one needs to play some green-light moves of your own to balance things.
But then he should get the hint that he should stop using these moves.
For example, your friend is usually very value-adding but, for whatever reason, he comes to your house each time and says with a condescending tone:
It's a nice place you got here.
Then, one should take note and reply with
Good. You seem like someone who can recognise a nice place.
If it keeps happening, that it's good to address that assertively.
But I guess the key is that a few green-light, power-taking moves in an otherwise positive interaction or relationship are okay.
It may be accidental, or the guy has a strong interest in something so he goes stronger.
Learning the Nature of Covert Power Moves
On another note, do you think that it's bad practice to analyse the power-taking component in isolation of the bigger situation?
I thought about it more.
It's because I don't understand that the power-taking component which is why I ask more questions on that component in this forum.
The risk is what you say.
Although I understand the power-taking component better, I may place too much emphasis on it.
The ideal analysis would be taking the whole situation into account, and understanding how the power-taking component would fit into the picture.
However, sometimes that is challenging.
Personally, practising a new skill often requires some sort of isolation so it is easier to focus and hone.
Maybe learning covert power moves could take the following route:
- Focusing on analysing the power-taking component of covert power moves
Well, initially because we even thought it is completely value-adding. - After the above analysis, take the whole situation into account and then try to fit the above analysis of the power-taking component to get a balanced view.
This achieves 2 things:
- Understanding the power-taking component well
- At the same time, not losing sight of the bigger picture and possibly why the power-taking component is not malicious
Note: I think this is still relevant to this thread.
But it sort of steps out into a bigger framework.
Maybe we could move this to another thread.
I feel like you should respond to covert power moves strongly if you see that the person has a sense of superiority when they do it.
You can hear their tone, look at the way they acted when executing the covert power moves and their general behavior around other people.
It will help others in the group to feel better when they see a person acting superior knocked down from their ivory tower.
More than likely the person won't try it again since he will know that if he does there are people who can knock him down and also that he will get the resentment of the group if he continues to do so.
Quote from Growfast on August 7, 2021, 12:17 pmI feel like you should respond to covert power moves strongly if you see that the person has a sense of superiority when they do it.
You can hear their tone, look at the way they acted when executing the covert power moves and their general behavior around other people.
It will help others in the group to feel better when they see a person acting superior knocked down from their ivory tower.
More than likely the person won't try it again since he will know that if he does there are people who can knock him down and also that he will get the resentment of the group if he continues to do so.
Absolutely, you said it.
That's proper calibration.
And that's also a high-quality leader mindset from your comment: to set the example by hitting back on the assholes / value takers.
P.S.:
the traffic light comment was posted here by mistake.
It was meant for this other thread here where we were getting lost on smaller things.
Do you think "you're the best" is a covert power move?
I recently received this remark in response to helping someone:
Him: Hey, do you have a document like this?
Haha always asking you for documents.Me: You need to hire me as a full-time position :P (I wanted to highlight that I helped him with 2 previous documents)
(gives document)Him: Awesome. You're the best.
I'm not sure if I need to respond with a remark to claim social credits.
Instead of saying thanks (gratitude), he gives flattery.
For example, I could force the collection of social credits
Me: You're welcome
Maybe this is like the Charlie case where I should accept the compliment to power-protect.
Me: Thanks, you're welcome
Or maybe this is in the green territory of the traffic light.
The most important thing is whether he provides the same level of help when I ask for favours.
Is it possible that some people show gratitude in the form of compliments?
Edit:
I think
Me: Happy to help
is better. It collects social credit while remaining in a positive, collaborative frame.
Me: You need to hire me as a full-time position 😛 (I wanted to highlight that I helped him with 2 previous documents)
(gives document)
The way this statement was phrased put you in a power down position (the hire thing makes it look like you are asking for a job and he is the final authority).
You could have gone instead with.
Me - You might need to start paying your consultant his fees
The "Happy to help" would definitely re-empower you along with the "you are welcome".
Thanks for the feedback.
I can see that I should have drawn attention to my contribution in a more empowering manner.
I don't think "you're the best" is necessarily a covert power move by itself.
It's a bit judge-y, but still on the green side.
In this case, it might give you less credit than, say a "thank you so much".
But I personally think that, depending on the individual, it can be OK.
"You're the best" translates into "(your help was so helpful) that makes you the best in my eyes".
I actually found "ahah always asking you for documents" more damaging.
And I agree with GrowFast that "you need to hire me" is not a very high-power sentence. Better wording to convey the same meaning would have been:
Yeah man, I might start charging soon :)
Notice the difference?
First one, they hire you (you look for something, they become your boss).
This one, you start charging them.
But before committing to anything, I'd say look at the previous history.
If everything was generally good, then you can provide the document, end with "happy to help" and all is good.
