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Root of submmission
Hey, Lucio I have something on my mind to tell you. It's about my childhood and early teen.
I've picked some books from your best book recommendation, and "no more mr. nice guys" gave me some inspiration about my submissive behavior and why I always seek validations from others.
My Childhood - Early teen
I would call it as "Dark Ages" in my life. I have a very strict parent, especially my mom, she's very aggressive and emotionally dependent.
In that time, had a adventure and hang out with my friends was my favorite things to do. I like nature and animals. But in my parents' mind, grades are everything. Every time they found out I was playing with my friends, I got yelled and slapped. They said"we're poor family, you have no right to play around. Lazy boy". When I get bad grades, I will be verbally humiliated and corporeally punished by my mother. Meanwhile, my father just sit aside and said nothing. I'm in pain, both physically and psychologically. So gradually, I did not dare to make trouble, and I kept good grades and obeyed my parents' orders. But once I screwed up.
I found some wounded butterflies in school, right then I decided to take them in, I spent times taking care of them, feeding them water and honey, I even give them names. Everything changed when my parents got my midterm results. In their extraordinary fury, they not only blamed me, but trampled the butterflies in front of me, even I keep begging them... I cried, even now, helplessness and self-reproach fill my body.In the days to come, I will play the role of "good son", obeying and fulfilling all their needs. Because they said they spent a lot of money and time on me. I thought they love me.
Later in my early teen, I have little freedom, no room of my own, and they often monitor my every move. Every personal message on my Facebook account has been read by them. They said because they care about me. Submission is one of my strategies to avoid corporal punishment. Even I don't have a rebellious period at all. they refer it to a "good kid" behavior. But paradoxically, they always behave submission toward other people. After graduating I decided to move out. There's always a toxic shame within me, I feel I don't have any value. so keep seeking external thing suddenly becomes my priority. Until I saw your website, I was determined to change myself. Although the pain is still there. You're the first person I've ever shared a story with, you're a kind and safe man, Lucio. I cried when I text this comment, but most importantly you give me hope. But now I'm still worrying about how to deal with my situation. Developing my self-esteem first? or read some self-help books? But I sure that, I will keep improving myself, be kind. Thank you Lucio for inspiring a young man far from east.
That's a very touching message man, very brave of you to share it.
Look, your parents love you, in their own way.
But that doesn't change the fact that their parenting has been misguided and, at times, abusive.
Unluckily, it's quite common.
You are right at looking at your current behavior and character in your parent's parenting.
Parenting and family life have a huge influence in how we grow up. And that's especially so when parenting was abusive.
I have no doubt you will improve.
But best going with order.
Skip the self-esteem, confidence, and possibly even power.
Let's start with the fundamentals first, and addressing the child/parent relationship. Otherwise it's like building the foundations on shaky grounds.
You can see with Mike Tyson for example, on top of all his power, money and fame... He was always a lost man in emotional pain, craving love and approval and making him easy victims of manipulative women (I'll make a video/article on him eventually).
I recommend you pick up this book first and foremost:
The author writes it for "daughters" of narcissistic mothers, but the dynamics are the same.
If focuses on the lack of unconditional love and the demands for "performance" in exchange for love (or lack of punishment), which applies to your case.
I would also suggest you consider some therapy sessions.
The best case scenario is always for the parent(s) to recognize their mistakes and make amends.
It's never too late, but you can't always count on that.
Some parents deny and/or keep accusing the children of being so selfish for not recognizing "how much they've done for them".
Albeit at a smaller scale, I also have had a slightly emotionally distant mother who expected and reward performance, so I can empathize.
Thank you Lucio my friend, I will definitely read this book. In the future I hope to share with you more stories about my personal growth. :)
p.s. I'm also reading "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" now. Don't know if you know this book.
