Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Sister power moving after sharing dating preferences.
I see it as a thank you for something that should be a given/not as big as deserving a thank you.
I also got the "feel" right after reading it, although it could be because my mind understands only the power component on certain occassions: for example "thank you for being so understanding" that sounds weird to me, and it gives me the feel of being power moved, when in reality, it could be an honest thank you after an argument, that ended well.
Another reason could be because subconsciously I saw it as framing me as conforming to your ideas. So, (this has just come to my mind right now), I'm framed as submitting to you. (This isn't bad on itself, it's a good thing to learn and change to better ideas, but still could be a trigger to my ego, or my "power feel")
That's a lot of possibilities since I'm trying to guess what my subconscious it's up to, but I would say that this is what came to my mind first of all:
I see it as a thank you for something that should be a given/not as big as deserving a thank you.
That's what comes to my mind for the moment.
Since I'm thinking that this may be a recurring problem I have, I'll keep thinking about it.
I'm glad you asked, I may have not put that much thought into it otherwise.
PD
I would be a little bit careful of the pendulum. Sometimes when you have a new lens to see the world you might want to use it too much. The old saying we have an English is when you have a hammer everything looks like a nail.
For the really small stuff like conversations with people you know who are to the good. I would just let it go by. Nobody has enough time to consider carefully every word they say to you
I had a situation on this forum once where I was just trying to dash off a quick support of message and the person took it as part of a campaign to undermine their standing in the community.
The reality is we are anonymous internet randos here. Nobody cares much. So instead of sitting down and carefully crafting every word they write more likely people are dashing off a few lines at the traffic lights or on the throne.
I call it the pendulum because you have to overswing to get back to the middle.
You used to be a nice guy / door mat now you are power aware and can make your own moves. So probably everything looks like a power move.
Over time you will integrate all of this back into who you really are and it will just become a flavor in your life instead of the flavour.
It's just a normal part of the learning cycle I have gone through it many times myself.
Post deleted.
Quote from Transitioned on December 30, 2023, 10:41 pmPD
I would be a little bit careful of the pendulum. Sometimes when you have a new lens to see the world you might want to use it too much. The old saying we have an English is when you have a hammer everything looks like a nail.
For the really small stuff like conversations with people you know who are to the good. I would just let it go by. Nobody has enough time to consider carefully every word they say to you
I had a situation on this forum once where I was just trying to dash off a quick support of message and the person took it as part of a campaign to undermine their standing in the community.
The reality is we are anonymous internet randos here. Nobody cares much. So instead of sitting down and carefully crafting every word they write more likely people are dashing off a few lines at the traffic lights or on the throne.
I call it the pendulum because you have to overswing to get back to the middle.
You used to be a nice guy / door mat now you are power aware and can make your own moves. So probably everything looks like a power move.
Over time you will integrate all of this back into who you really are and it will just become a flavor in your life instead of the flavour.
It's just a normal part of the learning cycle I have gone through it many times myself.
Thanks Transitioned.
Seems like I'm returning to the overly paranoid phase again. Might have to be careful with that.
Cheers.
Quote from Power Duck on December 30, 2023, 10:09 pmI see it as a thank you for something that should be a given/not as big as deserving a thank you.
I don't see it that way. Sincerely. It's not a given at all. As an example: Transitioned thanked me for being open to his feed-back recently. And it's an honour to me. So I think it's a misinterpretation. Being open to (new) ideas is a quality that has a lot of value to me. It's very hard to do. So I value it a lot in people.
I also got the "feel" right after reading it, although it could be because my mind understands only the power component on certain occassions: for example "thank you for being so understanding" that sounds weird to me, and it gives me the feel of being power moved, when in reality, it could be an honest thank you after an argument, that ended well.
Just as Transitioned said I would be careful of over-interpretation. "thank you for your understanding" is said from a place of humility not arrogance. Of course it depends on the context. When you say "thanks" it means someone gave you something. Only the powerful give not the powerless. So it's acknowledging a gift from someone powerful in any way.
Another reason could be because subconsciously I saw it as framing me as conforming to your ideas. So, (this has just come to my mind right now), I'm framed as submitting to you. (This isn't bad on itself, it's a good thing to learn and change to better ideas, but still could be a trigger to my ego, or my "power feel")
Straight talk: I think this is taking things too personally. Submitting to me? (frowning my eyebrows confused in front of my computer). I don't see it that way. Yes, to be open to someone's influence means that you allow someone to change and shape your mind and thoughts. It's the normal process of learning. When I take someone's feedback I don't see it as submitting to them. Submitting would be to do what they want me to do. It is wise to learn from others. And here we all learn from one another. A feeling that I could understand is that you feel like I have too much influence over you. And therefore you would like to protect your independance. Well, you don't have to take any of the feed-backs I give you. As I said above: one allows someone to change their minds and thoughts. You're always in control. Always.
So I understand that now you're becoming more power aware, you have a tendency to reject what you feel is an encroachment on your freedom/independence. I respect that of course. As Lucio says: "up to you". As Transitioned said a random guy is typing on a keyboard in another country about your life. You are in control: is that a plus to your life or a minus. If that's a plus: good, then it's wise to take it. If that's a minus: you can just reject it.
I'm glad you asked, I may have not put that much thought into it otherwise.
Talking about power moves, this is a power move. Instead of thanking me for the question (recognizing the value you got through the question), you chose to power-scalp (being happy that I asked so you received twice: happy + the thoughts generated and gives nothing back: by nothing I mean no acknowledgment of value given. Also frames you as if you intended me to ask the question: like a royalty talking to a journalist).
But I think it's better to stop here before an ego battle. I meant to say: "I'm honoured that you think my ideas are worthy for you" and at the same time "I think you're an open-minded person" which both intentions make you better off not worse off. But now I end up justifying one sentence, so it's taking more of my time/energy because I'm defending since I'm being accused of power moving (and I'm not).
We're off-topic now anyway.
Sorry if that was too much. I should've thinked twice before accusing you of pulling power moves, I messed up.
I've realised that if one overfocus on the power part as I did, even the slightest things can be considered a power move, since from your last post, I was power moving way more if one looks at the details.
I just want to add one thing:
Straight talk: I think this is taking things too personally. Submitting to me? (frowning my eyebrows confused in front of my computer). I don't see it that way. Yes, to be open to someone's influence means that you allow someone to change and shape your mind and thoughts. It's the normal process of learning. When I take someone's feedback I don't see it as submitting to them. Submitting would be to do what they want me to do. It is wise to learn from others. And here we all learn from one another. A feeling that I could understand is that you feel like I have too much influence over you. And therefore you would like to protect your independance. Well, you don't have to take any of the feed-backs I give you. As I said above: one allows someone to change their minds and thoughts. You're always in control. Always.
So I understand that now you're becoming more power aware, you have a tendency to reject what you feel is an encroachment on your freedom/independence. I respect that of course. As Lucio says: "up to you". As Transitioned said a random guy is typing on a keyboard in another country about your life. You are in control: is that a plus to your life or a minus. If that's a plus: good, then it's wise to take it. If that's a minus: you can just reject it.
I framed this wrongly, I appreciate the feedback and help given here, and if I had to point to anyone here, I would say that you are the one that has helped me the most in the forum, for which I am really grateful.
In this case I was trying to come up with some explanation for why I felt disempowered, and thats what came to my mind as a posibility, saying what I said without thinking how the other party can interpret it was socially uncalibrated and stupid, sorry for that.
Edit:
Also, sorry for any other disturbance I could've caused regading this.
Hello Power Duck,
all good no need to over apologize. I want you to know that I'm on your team and I do my best to communicate respectfully with you.
I think it's good you laid out your thoughts it's the best way to examine them. As you know I do the same.
God damn, the way your situation mirrors my situation is astonishing.
The biggest problem in what you are doing is that there is no cost in ridiculing you, family is quite a strong unit, in that just disrespect or making fun of people, is not enough to create rifts. Because in family everyones keeps together for better or worse, there is no reason for most of the family ( let's say everyone agrees that one person is an asshole ) to proceed to antagonize one individual without a good reason, it will only make the environment more toxic.
And if the parents are unable to see the effect one sibling has on another, or unable to deal with it, as they are just humans, they will ignore the way one ridicules another especially if the other one is easy to cooperate with, they see it as the first sibling annoying the other doesn't make a big difference as the other sibling will still behave to them just the same, maybe they won't even see the other sibling is affected much.
And in some way it seems right, it may feel it should not affect them much, after all, the other sibling is an understanding person, and the first is quick to misunderstand, it's very probable parents take the second sibling more seriously than the first, or at least not care much about what the first says about the second, but it doesn't change the fact that it affecs a person. Or at least me, I can't just hear someone contradicting me, judging me or hating on me unfairly and without understanding, without having my blood boil, it's a human desire after all, to be respected.
And maybe because the second sibling knows how important it is to have a good relationships with people one talks with every day, they try to mend the relationship with the first sibling even if they don't like them much, either by giving second chances, or by trying to understand them, or by taking what they say seriously.
There is a problem here though, the first sibling does neither of that, more so than that, the first sibling even punishes the other for trying to understand them, taking it more as free passes to do what they did in the first place, either by responding with more jokes, or more judging, or more ridicule, and it's infuriating.
Situations like that are not only among siblings, but family is perfect place for such situations as you can be a mean person and still be supported by your family.
In such situations it's important to think about what you fundamentally value and be willing to sacrifice things that disrupt those things, for example you should expect people to try to understand you or at least not ridicule you if you aren't mean to them, such people will exist and you don't have any reason to stand and take it, but trying to explain calmly boundaries to them is often not sufficient.
What stops them from ignoring your boundaries? From just saying, "What you so angry about? Chill"? It's not your respectfulness but your decisiveness and fierceness or at least a dismissal that forces assholes to comply with your needs.
Calm explanation and dialogue is for people that you have a constructive conversation with, not those that want the opposite, for those you show dismissal or you apply boundaries consequently and assertively, you can uncover a non-issue as others see to be an issue if you force it out and show your seriousness in a situation, just as a smile can make a situation seem not important a serious face and tone can make it more serious.
If she picks on you, makes fun of you, don't ask her or explain her why her behaviours is bad, she knows well what is mean and what is a kind behaviour, simply enforce the rules by stating your concern clearly, and of course she will be trying to undermine it, you should escalate it, and keep escalating it until she either backs off ( possible but unlikely ) or she exchanges you and you show her and the rest of the family ( if they are close ) that you don't like her behaviour.
But be consequential in what you do, if you show boundaries time and time again strongly and she ignores, stop engaging with her or only do it as much as you need, or do it with distanced way, just shape the situation so the others see the problem and can't ignore it, and if she won't stop being an asshole ( often people will not change ) then you're goal is simply to not be disturbed and be able to focus freely on the yourself and your goals ( For example in having a conversation with your family without her interrupting or making fun of you ).
It's not your mission to make up with people that don't try to cooperate with you, simply have a strong values and goals and if someone tries to interrupt you in pursuing them you are free to defend yourself and assert yourself as necessary.
It's of course best to do it with calm mind yet don't be afraid to raise your voice neither to get angry, don't expect yourself to deal with such situations perfectly, often even if it's not optimal solution, it's still a solution that's far better than accepting the behaviour and letting your self-respect sink.
John Freeman is right though, there is barely a weakness that cannot be overcome by self-improvement, so whatever is your way to deal with the situation, keep going!
