Quote from Ali Scarlett on February 4, 2022, 5:56 pm

Hi John,

I consider this a "typical expression of dominance".

They're giving you an order, so I typically rebalance the power by giving them an order back.

You: (calling a colleague who's an equal on the phone) "Hello, I'm calling regarding this patient."

Him: (gives an order) "Tell me."

You: (gives an order back) "Listen...."

Quote from Connor Jackson on February 4, 2022, 6:37 pm

Hi John,

There are two things I do

1. Do what you and Ali suggested like so

Him: (gives an order) "Tell me."

You: (gives an order back) "I will tell you, pay close attention to what I'm telling"

2. You could ignore the "tell me" and just focus on what needs to be done if this was an one time thing,  you don't want to get involved in petty power moves like these and waste your energy and focus, but if this wasn't the first time, you could go with option 1.

Cheers

 

Quote from John Freeman on February 4, 2022, 8:04 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on February 4, 2022, 5:56 pm

You: (calling a colleague who's an equal on the phone) "Hello, I'm calling regarding this patient."

Him: (gives an order) "Tell me."

You: (gives an order back) "Listen...."

Thanks guys!

I think this is the smoothest one. It's short and on the same level of dominance as the first one, so it's a good "mirror power move".

Quote from Transitioned on February 4, 2022, 9:54 pm

I m not sure about 'tell me'.  It is a command.  And it could be a stock phrase too.  Like some people say ' what's new' when they have not seen you for a while.

How about modifying to:

'OK, listen to this'

That sounds more like a stock phrase introducing a story and is a bit closer to their language countering their move while preserving rapport.  What do you guys think?

 

 

 

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 5, 2022, 11:31 am

Albeit they're seemingly saying opposite things, I agree with both Ali and Kevin here.

"Tell me" is high dominance.

But it's also direct and effective, saving his time, your time, and ultimately being win-win.

Quite a stock phrase, too.

So I'm not sure it necessarily needs to be addressed directly.
That would depend on your general relationship, your general approach, and how things are between you to.
Edit: and on "who needs whom the most", the most important variable probably.

Ali's answer is smooth AF (nice one! :) ).
So I can see it working in a multitude of situations.
Maybe I'd just add "yeah, listen" to add some social balm and make it smoother.

Yet it also depends on who needs what from whom.
If someone calls me because they need something from me, then "listen" is off-putting because they need something from me. And whether or not I listen -or listen until the end- is up to me.
They need to ask me and win me over, not Tasking me to.

Edit:
So if I'm calling someone and I need something from them, or if they don't know yet the value I'm going to provide I might even answer with "thank you" (of course, with a good high power intonation and not a supplicating one).

Power Protecting The Caller

Same effect as "tell me" but power protecting and even briefer:

Him: (calling a colleague who's an equal on the phone) "Hello, I'm calling regarding this patient."
You: Yes! (intonation of "I'm here and ready, go ahead)

That's probably my stock answer to those situations.
Also very high power, with the sub-communication being "let's be as efficient as possible with our time".

Quote from John Freeman on February 5, 2022, 3:17 pm

Agreed with Transitioned and Lucio.

I think both work depending on the context. It’s about the subtle nuances of who needs who as you said.

In this context, we are the specialists and they are asking us for recommendations. Basically on what to do because they don’t have a clue not being specialists.

So they dislike this power dynamics of depending on us for the patient’s care. This is why they sometimes try to set up a “we are in charge here” dynamics. I know because I was in their shoes as a generalist hospitalist pediatrician.

In this particular case they call us ask a question. I think about it, discuss it with my supervisors (the real experts, I’m a beginner) and give back the recommendation (which are instructions really because they don’t have an alternative recommendation).

I’ll finish later I’m saving this now.

Quote from Transitioned on February 5, 2022, 10:14 pm

So it's a formal situation. Then you can be all business and gently point out the reality of needing your guidance.

"Ok, as requested we have reviewed Monsieur Muller s case.  Our recommendation is.."

Quote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 5:43 pm

Sorry guys: I was not in a position to finish the post yesterday.

Thanks Transitioned, very professional answer.

I'll mix them all:

Her: Tell me

Me: Yes, listen, as requested we have reviewed Monsieur Muller s case.  Our recommendation is.."

Her: so...

Me: Is that ok for you? (to end the interaction)

Yes: rapport-saving

Listen: tasks back to cancel the "Tell me" power move

As requested... Our recommendation..: resets the frame as professional and task-oriented.

Is that ok for you?: to signal "if you play power moves on me, I'll play power moves on you", while staying professional and not to disempowering. It might be a little too much. But I'm learning more and more that it's an important signal to send.

Quote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 5:56 pm

Another situation is when the nurse leave the room (still the same toxic pediatric emergency nurse group), a common power move is:

Tell me if you need anything

My idea is to prevent it before they say anything by saying it before they say it.

Nurse leaving the room...

Me: Thanks! I'll tell you if I need anything.

It's very dominant, I'm aware of it. However, they brought it on themselves. The "Thanks" smoothes it a bit.