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"Tell me" power move
I don't know about that one John. Unless they're saying it with a strange tone I'd think they were self tasking.
Is there some other background info that makes it a power move?
Thanks for your answer, Transitioned.
I would say that "Tell me if you need anything" is tasking, don't you think?
She uses often "Perfect!" with me when I share some details about the choices I made and my final evaluation, as if I was reporting to her. So it all sets her up as her above me. Me needing things from her and her judging my choices. That's the global dynamics with this person.
Thanks for the context. It's an interesting one. The tell me part sounds like tasking. But it also is a stock phrase. There s more collaborative forms.  'let me know if you need anything' or 'I LL be at the nurses station if you need anything. So to me it's green but in the context yellow. I think I d just say thanks and leave it at that  The words are so innocuous that if you do anything more it would seem to a bystander that you are being reactive.
You said your normal style is high warmth. If this nurse is being a real pain and you think there s no point trying to improve the relationship you could go with 'sure'. That has got an undertone of yeah you said something really obvious or yeah that's your job
Hi John
I m curious. If you don't mind sharing what did you do with the' let me know if you need anything' move?
Those small moves are always tricky
BTW another annoying one I ve heard is they say 'correct' after you say anything.
Hello everyone,
So I understood what was my mistake in this situation. This is the actual situation:
The secretary is busy working on her screen. Out of respect (my mistake) I wait for her to be available (to give me her attention).
Her: tell me
My mistake was to wait for her to be available, which is actually empowering her and disempowering me. I sub-communicated: "your time is more important than mine". I was giving her the initiative (AKA the power).
Here is what I do differently now
The secretary is busy working on her screen.
Me: Susan, could you please do this
I don't wait for her to be available. This flies effortlessly. So there is no "tell me". No problem so far. If she's busy with a patient I come back later.
@transitioned: excuse me I missed this one:
What I do with the "let me know if you need anything" is I re-task: "I tell you if I need any thing, thanks" (the "thanks" is the tasker-taskee power move).
"Correct" after you say anything, I would counter with the Lucio style: "WTF was that?" corrugated eyebrows body language and move on: "anyway I was saying..."
Good one, John.
I once made that mistake as well, waiting by an HR representative fully trusting she'd realize I was being kind and being kind back.
Lo and behold, she turned around and socially scalped with "please let me know when you're here" -framing me as hanging around her table loitering, or snooping on her-.
Edit: forgot to mention we had just spoken and agreed to meet right away, so no chance that I might have truly surprised her. She knew I was just about to go.
A good answer:
I was actually being kind to let you finish, if that's your answer to kindness, next time you can rest assured I won't
Ouch that's a really nasty one - carries undertones of 'you're stalking me'. I can tell you as a PM you always grit your teeth and your old scars ache when you have to deliver a project for the HR department.
Because it is HR and we all have to kiss their collective butt. What do you think of tweaking it to:
"That's OK I was happy waiting. You guys are SO busy I'm sure you don't need more demanding people."
You've rejected their frame and taken back the judge role. But then softened with 'so busy" (because of course they are SO important)
Yeah, HR is always framed as being there for the employees.
Which is partly true of course, but still, that's only 50% of their job.
The other 50% is to be there for the owners, watchdogging for the company's interests (sometimes aligning, sometimes in contrast with employees' interests), and limiting pay as much as possible -or as much as possible while keeping the employee "enough happy to perform").
Quote from Transitioned on July 29, 2022, 2:49 amBecause it is HR and we all have to kiss their collective butt. What do you think of tweaking it to:
"That's OK I was happy waiting. You guys are SO busy I'm sure you don't need more demanding people."
Great point in seeking something smoother.
My answer was a bit aggressive and more likely to burn bridges (in my case, I could have afforded as it was for the exit interview, she was low status entry level, and at that point I had good reputation. But otherwise, it's just smarter strategy to keep things good with HR).
The good part is that it hits back with the back-handed compliment/covert power move of being SO busy (not).
The negative is that "I was happy waiting" self-frames as not minding waiting, which is generally not the highest power self-frame, and having lots of time to wait also suggests may be "not busy enough" / "not working hard enough".. ?
And the second part may self-frame you as demanding, a taker/pain-in-the-butt frame (while it's entirely possible you're just there to ask for what's fair and/or your right to ask).
Aiie over appeasing again.
For a busy exec type approach how about:
"Yes I was waiting for a bit. Anyway I m here to meet Kim for..."
In Aus I d do the first sentence with a smile to soften.
Quote from Transitioned on July 30, 2022, 9:01 amAiie over appeasing again.
For a busy exec type approach how about:
"Yes I was waiting for a bit. Anyway I m here to meet Kim for..."
In Aus I d do the first sentence with a smile to soften.
Yes, this sounds very good.
Ignores their negative frame, slightly puts the fault where it should be, and then cuts the crap and moves on to business.
