Unexpected requests for which you need to reply on the spot
Scenario:
There are some workers building a garage for a neighbour, next to my house.
One morning I heard a knock on the door. When I opened the door, it was one of the construction workers. He had a huge water container and asked if I can give him some water. I said yes and went upstairs and filled it and gave it back to him.
I don't mind giving him water, but what I did mind was that I accepted his request straight away, without thinking of pros and cons. There were some cons, such that the container was very large and so it became heavy with the water and also I couldn't pour it from the tap so I had to unpack the shower and use it as a hose. I would have given him the water anyway, but I didn't think the decision properly.
After I gave him the water, he asked if he can charge a tool in my house. I accepted again out of reflex. But when he went to fetch the tool, I realised that this was extremely inconvenient. I had to keep the front door open, meaning I needed to supervise the entrance, which would have distracted me from my work for a long time. This was unacceptable so when he came back to the door with his tool I told him I won't charge the tool because it would take too much of my attention/time.
The issue
My general problem is that I don't think critically about requests for which I need to reply quickly. I accept sometimes(especially when the request is something new that I didn't consider in a previous situation) and then I have to backtrack. This makes me look indecisive and weak and also wastes time for the other person.
I believe this might be a more general problem, have you folks faced similar issues?
Alternative approaches
When you get a random request that you either have to refuse or accept on the spot, you can wait and weigh the pros and cons instead of replying immediately.
Advantages
- you can make a better decision by considering all arguments
- if you take your time to judge, you appear more powerful
Disadvantages
- you can appear uncaring if you apply this to straightforward situations: someone asks you for a pen and you take 1 minute to weigh the pros and cons
- even if you take time to reply, your mind might still find better pros/cons after your reply; you might still want to change your decision
I've just been in a similar situation. A well-trained fundraiser came to my house, saying that she want my attention for only one minute. After three minutes, I offered her some cash because one minute is passed. However, she said that she is just presenting the materials and she does not want cash. I was curious about it so I let her continue. Later I realized that it is a monthly program. I just need to fill in some info and someone else will call me later. I have a chance to confirm it over the phone and the donation starts next month.
Alright, does not want cash is not equal to does not want money. She was not lying.
I didn't know how to get away because she is not asking for money. Moreover, I have a chance to regret. So I filled my info.
Then she asked for my credit card and started a phone call. I trusted the organization so I gave my card info. I double confirm that the payment will only start next month after my confirmation.
However, the card was charged immediately.
I am not sure if there is a best way to handle this situation. I think we must pay attention to our biological nature: if we accept a small request, we are accepting way more than that: we are actually accepting a form of leadership and we are emotionally accepting that person. We must reshape our mindset from the biological default to the rational mindset: accepting a small request means accepting a small request, but nothing more. For example:
He: may I borrow a pen?
You: I just have a simple pen, nothing more, is it what you want? That's it?
He: could you please help filling the tank?
You: Sure, I can do it once but I cannot promise that it can be fully filled because it is so large. Hope you could understand.
This way, we are kind of reverting the leadership role and not letting the other party capitalizing our small favor. The first response is not my response -- I learnt it in real life.
Good question, bluesky.
I think this can apply to a lot of people, in many everyday life situations.
Your "thinking it over" is good.
And I think that part of the skill is in being able to think it over quickly, which takes some mental gymanstics, some training by repeated exposure... And some mental preparation.
A lot of everyday life situations like these one, you can also think in advance.
Some more good approaches:
Ask More Questions
For any request, make it a habit to ask questions.
For example:
Him: Can I charge a tool?
You: What kind of tool is it? Like a phone?
Him: It's this and that tool
You: OK, and for how long do you need to charge it?
Him: Maybe 2hours
(by now you start developing a better idea whether you can do it or not, plus, you get time to think)
You: OK. Look man, don't wanna sound like a dick, if it was a small thing, OK, but that big thing requires a lot of power, and a lot of my time, and I need to do some other stuff
The good thing of asking quesitons is that even if you say yes, it's higher power, since you weighed in the decisions and made him invest some more.
No As Default
Whenever you're not sure, it's safer to say "no" as default in many situations.
That includes anyone you don't know, and anyone who's pressuring you.
Added bonus for the "no as default" if you can change your mind quickly.
For example, solicitor is at the door?
The default is "thanks, but no".
If you change your mind a few seconds after you've closed the door, you can still reopen it.
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My therapist told me this one: "you are allowed to (take some time to) think" or "you have the right to take some time to think". You are not obliged to answer on the spot.
There is this belief that one should answer to a request on the spot. You don't. You can say:
- Let me think
- I'm thinking (and think on the spot)
- I'll think about it and I'll let you know
It's a habit. Then you build it over time and it becomes easier and easier. So yes, to answer your question I found myself many times in this situation. So it's a behavior that takes time to correct but it's doable. Have you read this article?
Cheers!
Thanks for the replies guys!
Stating that you think, no as default and asking a lot of question are great ideas.
I face this issue repeatedly so this is great help.
Great tips guys thanks. I had this the other day. Govt scheme to put energy efficient light bulbs in your house for free. Young door knocker. I said "maybe and tell me more." Then he said I need to come in and see if you have 10 bulbs. I said "this is getting a bit complicated" and "thanks anyway".
So we can add those phrases to your options.
Wow it's amazing when you put on the PD goggles how many small impositions we put up with. Ah well good practice for the bigger ones.
Quote from Transitioned on April 3, 2021, 6:08 pmGreat tips guys thanks. I had this the other day. Govt scheme to put energy efficient light bulbs in your house for free. Young door knocker. I said "maybe and tell me more." Then he said I need to come in and see if you have 10 bulbs. I said "this is getting a bit complicated" and "thanks anyway".
I like this one a lot.
Instead of you refusing right away, you put the pressure back on him, and highlighted that it was him / the government who was asking for too much -rather than you refusing to save the environment or whatever-.
Edit: and great use of the techinique!
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OFF TOPIC
I adapted this one from tactics used by that marketing manager who was a master manipulator and big value taker (and fluent and bald liar).
The pattern was my team would do all the work (as she s incapable) and she d treat it as a sub standard buffet. Take what she liked while complaining about the quality. She got to look managerial and one up.
After a meeting with the exec (Allison) she said. "It was so simple with Allison, now with you guys it seems complicated".
Subtext was:
- You re not doing what Exec wanted.
- Don't tell me your problems. Make my shit happen so I can get the credit with Allison
What I learned from this one was "too good to be fucked with" isn't enough on its own as managers love to outsource delivery and everyone s expendable. You have to fight for Exec mindshare too. Because if you leave a power vacuum an evil person is likely to fill it and poison the environment.
The "evil men triumph if good men do nothing" scenario.
Quote from Transitioned on April 3, 2021, 6:08 pmGreat tips guys thanks. I had this the other day. Govt scheme to put energy efficient light bulbs in your house for free. Young door knocker. I said "maybe and tell me more." Then he said I need to come in and see if you have 10 bulbs. I said "this is getting a bit complicated" and "thanks anyway".
So we can add those phrases to your options.
Wow it's amazing when you put on the PD goggles how many small impositions we put up with. Ah well good practice for the bigger ones.
OFF TOPIC
Great story. So by saying "thank you anyway", were you rejecting those free light bulbs?
I didn't have 10 bulbs to change so I wasn't going to get anything. I could have explained that but I don't want to deepen the habit of justifying myself. Anti-assertive