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Waiters at restaurants joking while I'm with my partner - how to handle?
Thank you Mav,
really great ways to handle it.
I'll try to use these as a first step.
After sleeping on this, I find I’m going towards what the consensus on the forum is, ie to deal with it more covertly than I had initially in mind.
A couple of zingers I often hear.
Anytime somebody tries nasty jokes: A comedian- don't quit your day job
Anytime somebody does anything you don't like: Are you alright mate?
They re cliche but maybe an OK default
Hey Bel,
Great answers here in this thread already, also keep in mind the "meta-comment" technique and frame surfacing as a couple of options:
Bel: "That's a weird way to speak to a customer."
And more specific examples:
Waiter: "Has she decided yet? Cause I got from your discourse that she's the one who decides."
Bel: "That's a weird thing to say. (And you can add, 'We're equals')."
Waiter: "Here's your order! Are you sure you can eat it all?"
Bel: "What do you mean (make them expend more effort explaining their joke)?"
Waiter: "You finished already? Do you want me to leave the plate on the table in case she needs help?"
Bel: "No, go ahead and take it (frame ignores the "you finished already" and gives them an order in response, making the waiter follow your lead)."
Waiter: "You know this beer is one glass only, not to be shared right?"
Bel: [With a slightly confused expression] "Why are you saying that (frame surfacing to make them expend more effort in explaining their joke again)?"
Thank you Transitioned; and, thank you, Ali.
Great ways to handle it.
I'll definitely use these.
There are so many great resposes in this thread. I am glad I am part of this community.
Unless people lack any sort of social sense, they definitely know you are on a date when they see you dining with a girl.
When the waiters pull power moves in such cases it's a way to exert dominance over you to seem more attractive to the girl. They may or may not want to steal the girl but guys definitely get a sense of satisfaction when they dominate another guy in front of women. (These are the most disgusting people and one should never show them any mercy)
As far as the responses. The following could have been said to make the guy who think twice before pulling any moves on you.
Waiter: Has she decided yet? Cause I got from your discourse that she's the one who decides.
You: You are the last person who should be talking about control. Now you will do as we decide.
(Show the reality of who follows orders)
Waiter: Here's your order! Are you sure you can eat it all?
You: Why do you ask? Do you want us to save leftovers for you?
(Basically imply he wants to eat your scraps)
Waiter: You finished already? Do you want me to leave the plate on the table in case she needs help?
(If you guys have finished the meal)
You: Go ahead and take it, Thanks you.
(If you guys are yet to finish the meal)
You: We will tell you if tgat needs to be done.
Waiter: Oh so it's her birthday? How old? I can't believe it, I would have given you 10 years less!
You: Skincare is very essential.
Waiter: You know this beer is one glass only, not to be shared right?
You: We will share it if we want to. This isn't your beer.
Thank you Growfast!
Agree 100% with your reasoning, and great ways to handle it.
Quote from Bel on April 16, 2023, 4:47 pmSecond place
The facts are even more striking in this second place we went to.
There is always this bulky, somewhat manly female waitress that serves us.
It's been two or three times that she's started joking - and the joking manner is starting to become strikingly similar what the other waiter does at the other restaurant.
Examples:
Waitress: You're ordering only one glass of wine? Oh no, you must have at least two.
Me: Just one.
Waitress: Ok, so I'm getting you two glasses of wine.
Waitress: [to Bella] Last time you didn't get the glass of wine, so this time you'll have three.
Bella: No, just one please.
Waitress:Â Ok, so we'll have three - one for me as well.
Now: I did go back again with Bella to this same place.
The waiter who was assigned to our table was another one this time, and he was very respectful.
The bulky female waitress in the quote above, though, noticed us immediately, and she started hovering around.
At one point, she came to our table even though she was not our assigned waiter.
This interaction ensued:
Waitress: (to me) Can I get your plate?
Me: Go on. (I deliberately tasked her to reacquire power with respect to the last time, without looking at her)
Waitress: (turning to Bella and basically deliberately cutting me out for the remainder of the interaction) So hi! This time you did order a drink. So that's what I have to do, send you other waiters to your table so you have a drink!
Bella basically did not answer much.
I could see Bella was thinking "what's going on here?". Probably the fact that I was slightly amused and annoyed, coupled with maybe just too much focus from the waitress, made the waitress come across as "weird".
Later the same waitress - who was still not the one assigned to our table - came back and handed us the dessert menu.
This interaction ensued:
Waitress: Here's the dessert menu.
Me: Thank you, we're good (very assertive tone, I had spoken with Bella before this moment and we had decided we didn't want desserts)
Waitress: (looking at Bella) Well if you change your mind I'm around here.
Bella: No thank you.
After the whole interaction, Bella told me the waitress, this time, was somewhat creeping her out and giving out a strange vibe.
So basically, just me realizing what was going on was enough to direct the interaction toward a whole different outcome, without me needing to say much.
Conversely, the previous times, the fact that I had bought into the covert frames set by the waitress had made Bella fall into them as well.
A more general observation on this dynamic:
I am starting to think that, in a relationship with a woman, one of the man's most important "jobs" is to "set the overall frame" and "defend the couple" - and her - from covert attacks.
This is what, ultimately, a woman is looking to receive from her man.
Rock on, Bel.
It's also twice as good when you do it with the same person :)
Ah I do feel the same too and I feel restaurant waiters do this a lot. I think we don't need to give it too much thought as what it is - it's a pretty socially light situation and not much at stake. I would try to be as jokingly as they are, or ignore and be neutral. I find this dynamic pretty common for comedians too. Joking and offensive, these people have sharp tongues and they have been doing this for a long time.
For example you can say: Aren't you such a butterfly, making fun of people all day. Now I want to focus on....
Or just ignore and say what you want. I think if you ignore sufficient times they will get a bit discouraged, but it could be their own personality too and people hate being told not to be themselves.
It also comes to the fact that a lot of people go out to have fun so they adapt to that need of many customers. You can relax and accept that they are just a bit of a joker and you can be yourself too - happy coexistence.
