Quote from Stef on September 12, 2020, 1:23 am

I think, as Lucio has said before in other topics, that there are grey areas, but relativism is not infinite.

There is a lot to consider:

We may argue that if the intention is a net "positive" from the perspective of the judge, he is trying to be value-adding (but he may be mistaken and end being value-taking if he accomplish his goal and his goal is not really positive or end harming the target.)

Also the methods, some methods may be riskier than others, and this also has to be tailored to the target, some targets would be easier to harm than others by using a risky methodology of judge style manipulation.

I myself, preffer direct talk, and get automatically annoyed if someone gets too "judgy" on me in a way that make him comes as indirect and manipulative, but it also depends on the "charisma" and delivery of said person.

Quote from Kellvo on September 12, 2020, 2:29 am

The judge role, like any other form of power, is a tool; it can be used for good and ill.

A parent who uses it to correct maladaptive or immoral behavior early on, a boss who uses it to set expectations that make the whole team better, or a boyfriend that uses it to stop power games and move into a healthier relationship are examples of healthy uses of the judge role.

The negative forms of the judge role - abusive parents, bosses, and partners to name a few - are sadly common and need no elaboration.

That someone will wield power over another is inevitable, because human beings are flawed and have weaknesses that we'll look to others to fill. This is okay and part of being human. The point is to both have power and use it in a way that is productive for everyone, including yourself.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 12, 2020, 3:55 am

Very good answers already.

If you criticize someone too often, you can also lose power as a judge.
The judge is someone that people want to be liked by, appreciated by, and rewarded by.

But if all you do is criticize, then people will shut you off and start resenting you.
And they may cut you off from their life, so you lose all pull and power of persuasion on them.

There are important exceptions in close relationships and relationships you are "stuck" with, where the pull is so strong and/or the relationship so embedded in your life, that it becomes part of who you are. Those can be parents/children relationships, abusive relationships, or even in some close friendships or boss/employee relationship, as in the case of Mary Cain as we saw here. That's where a perennially harsh judge turns into emotionally abusive and toxic.
But even then, there most likely were some emotional rewards. The reward might not be a compliment, but it's the absence of negative judgment that turns into a reward.

Delivering compliments/criticisms as a supporter, rather than judge

As you grow and develop, chances are that you will become more of a judge to the people around you.

But if you're not an abusive person, I wouldn't personally worry too much about giving compliments, or feedback. One single compliment or criticism is not going to turn you into an instant judge, and especially so if delivered in friendly and warmly fashion.

So what I do for example when I'm friends and I want to compliment or celebrate something, is to tell to someone "well-done man, I'm happy about that (/for you)", and say so with a smile, a friendly face, and potentially a touch on the arm or pat on the back.
That says "I'm happy about your positive results", rather than "I'm judging positively".

And you when I have to give a feedback, I always frame it as "I'm happy if you do better in life, so I'm telling you this because I'm happy if it can help you do better".
That frames it as giving value to help them be better/stronger, rather than passing judgment of "not being good enough for you". BIG difference.

If you give good value, and if you are more advanced in certain realms of life, chances are that you still become a judge.
But now you're a good friend who happens to also be a bit of a judge, not just a random judge. And you're certainly a value-adding judge -as a matter of fact, you're a high-value person people want to be around with, when you behave like that-.

Makes sense?

Receiving judge frame attempts

When you're on the receiving end of a judge instead, take mental note.

Make sure you're not gonna start to seek his approval, and if it was a major judge power move, potentially take steps right away to dismantle that frame -if it was a compliment, say "thanks" with a neutral tone, maybe looking away, compliment them back right away, or say that you're proud for something different about you than what they just complimented you about-.

I also make a mental note that the attempting judge might somewhat feel superior, which is all good social intel to collect.

Being a judge: dating VS socialization

Being a judge is very useful in seduction and dating (before sex). When a woman is proving herself to you, she is seeking your approval, which is the definition of a judge, and a great position to be in.

But except for that specific case, I usually seek to decrease my role as a judge rather than increasing it. I like independent thinkers, people who have their own contribution, rather than seeking my approval. As a judge, you get less real feedback, and more people trying to feed you what you want to hear, so that they can get your approval.

That's why bosses who want to maximize for efficiency must take active steps to eliminate that judge/evaluator frame to get real feedback from the team (a boss has two forces to against: the emotional side, plus the rational side of people who want to be promoted and liked by the boss).

Judge role in relationships: why I avoid it

And when it comes to relationships, I often avoid judge roles and frames.

The man feels more powerful if he is the judge in a relationship. But that's a lot of ego validation there.

The relationship is stronger, and there is more real power in relationships of (more or less) equals, since she will share her true feelings, her own ideas to help reach better decisions, and take charge in some areas of your common shared life, which adds value and frees your time. Such as, you get a true value-adding partner, rather than someone who's putting up a front designed to get your thumbs up -I refer to this approach as "captain - co-captain"-.

This forum entry, especially the second one, was all about me rejecting a judge role -her trying to give good answers in the first post, and her "proving" to me that her culture was equally good in the second one-, and setting up that "be honest and genuine and we'll be even better", bigger-pie "captain/co-captain" frame.
Both instances made a real difference in the overall dynamics.

Same as for the friend case, you are still a bit of a judge. When people like you or admire you, there is almost always a certain element of judge.
But now it's far more positive and value-adding, and far more cooperative.
In a way, you are also reframing what you judge people for. Instead of judging them for being "good / not good enough", you appreciate them for being their honest selves, and adding value with their own ideas, perspectives, and initiatives. Who doesn't like that? They love it, and you gain as well. Win-win.
In a way, they become more secure about themselves, instead of insecure, and more antifragile and more growth-mindset.

I realize I wrote a lot now :D.
I'm thinking that maybe this concept of foregoing a stronger judge role in favor of a more "be genuine and contribute" deserves its own entry as a lesson?

 

 

Quote from John Freeman on October 28, 2020, 11:43 am

Here is a thought I would like to share with you.
Being a judge means you are in a position of authority and power. Even though only moral authority and power.

However, one has to earn his judge role through knowledge, skills, title or moral superiority. That is why being a high quality individual puts you in most cases in the judge role. We will then use it for good of course.

The point of this post is that you can behave as a judge or become the judge. It does not mean then that you have to judge. But you will have the choice.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 28, 2020, 9:27 pm

Quote from John Freeman on October 28, 2020, 11:43 am

Here is a thought I would like to share with you.
Being a judge means you are in a position of authority and power. Even though only moral authority and power.

However, one has to earn his judge role through knowledge, skills, title or moral superiority. That is why being a high quality individual puts you in most cases in the judge role. We will then use it for good of course.

The point of this post is that you can behave as a judge or become the judge. It does not mean then that you have to judge. But you will have the choice.

Very good message, John.

Indeed, when you work yourself into a high-quality individual, you are almost bound to become a judge at least for someone -exceptions always apply, for example, if one never socialize, but let's skip the exceptions-.

And one can also start acting like a judge, without having build himself into a high-quality individual.
The power is more limited though, since other high-quality folks will see through you and... Tough luck keeping them around, then. Might still work with less discerning folks, though.