Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
What to do after non-succesful escalations after few dates
Hello! I have faced an interesting situation. I read from SU about mistakes women make when rejecting love-making, but did not clearly understand what to do as a male when those situations occur. Although I realized that I probably should not continue the relationship. Here is the situation.
Relevant information in brief. (All dates have been great otherwise. All occurrences happen at my apt. The culture is not really conservative. Co-worker, but not very close workwise).
1st date: Kiss
2nd date: escalation to almost naked, seems like all ready, then withdraws completely. I'ts probably not LMR based on my exp (but might be. basically she just says that does not want to do it, and thats it), and going for more would just make it worse. Says something like "dont want to give wrong expectations". (after date messages me when to see again).
3rd date: exactly the same situation as 2nd date. (messages after and apologizes, and says really likes me, and it just is that she doesn't know me and what I want)
Ive been completely unfazed (imo) after these somewhat harsh (?) rejections.
However, as a (humble, heh) high-value man, this situation really somewhat makes me sad. It seems exactly like as written in SU: "any high value man will not want a relationship with you after that" (not sure how much I can quote it but SU readers will know the theory behind this). It sucks because otherwise it could have been a cool thing to continue, but now seems somewhat impossible. In other scenarios with other girls, most of the times action has happened in the first 1-2 dates. It really is smooth to continue from there. I remember Chase Amante writing something about this and calling failed escalations to be real bad for the relationship.
What would be optimal, powerful continuation/high value way to deal with from here? Really interested!
Hello SocialPower,
Several possibilities:
- She does not want to be the "slut" at work: loss of reputation.
- She feels you and her and not compatible enough or she hasn't yet had the proof you two were compatible enough.
- She wants a long term relationship and is delaying sex to make sure you want a commitment.
- She might not be sexually experimented: from what you wrote I'm guessing she's quite young.
- She's not sure about what you want and does not want to be disappointed in case you want a short-term relationship and she wants something long term.
Or a mix of the 5.
Personally, I let it go at this stage. I take it as a learning experience.
Quote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 7:03 pmHello SocialPower,
Several possibilities:
- She does not want to be the "slut" at work: loss of reputation.
- She feels you and her and not compatible enough or she hasn't yet had the proof you two were compatible enough.
- She wants a long term relationship and is delaying sex to make sure you want a commitment.
- She might not be sexually experimented: from what you wrote I'm guessing she's quite young.
- She's not sure about what you want and does not want to be disappointed in case you want a short-term relationship and she wants something long term.
Or a mix of the 5.
Personally, I let it go at this stage. I take it as a learning experience.
Thanks for the quick and great reply!
I would (like) to think it's mostly 5, also 3,4 probably.
Yeah, it's a sad thing to end like this when obviously both (at least say) to like each other. Do you have an idea how to say it in this case? I wonder how this could be prevented in the future.
My take on this is compatibility: when you find someone you're compatible with on enough levels, you don't have to do anything. You just have to be you. Like with your friends.
I'm aware there are different approaches to this. To me it's a matter of choosing the right person for you.
If you really want to bed the girl then there are some approaches you can use.
You can act as if you were never interested enough for sex and that she read you wrong.
Then you can show disinterest by interacting with passage of time and subtly mention that you are going out with some other girls who are higher value than her. (This will cause jealousy and get her competitive spirit working harder).
However these are definitely manipulative and if she is someone with high self esteem and very power aware it's unlikely she will fall for this and you might end up looking like a game-player.
Quote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 7:18 pmMy take on this is compatibility: when you find someone you're compatible with on enough levels, you don't have to do anything. You just have to be you. Like with your friends.
I'm aware there are different approaches to this. To me it's a matter of choosing the right person for you.
Yeah.
I wont ask for a date anymore, but I think she will. Don't really know if I should meet then or should it just be stopped there. Not really sure what to say then to remain cool?
Quote from Growfast on February 6, 2022, 7:24 pmIf you really want to bed the girl then there are some approaches you can use.
You can act as if you were never interested enough for sex and that she read you wrong.
Then you can show disinterest by interacting with passage of time and subtly mention that you are going out with some other girls who are higher value than her. (This will cause jealousy and get her competitive spirit working harder).
However these are definitely manipulative and if she is someone with high self esteem and very power aware it's unlikely she will fall for this and you might end up looking like a game-player.
Thanks for the answer!
Unfortunately it certainly can't be read wrong.
Due to the workplace being involved, I'll probably just go with very low risk. Good to understand those techniques though, thanks!
Clarification: I'm not really interested in just bedding. Wondering how to clear this sort of situation with high value and power, and trying to figure out when is the point to let her go or no. I guess this situation and going on would be pretty low-power, unfortunately. Is it doable/wise, not sure.
Quote from SocialPower on February 6, 2022, 7:31 pmQuote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 7:18 pmMy take on this is compatibility: when you find someone you're compatible with on enough levels, you don't have to do anything. You just have to be you. Like with your friends.
I'm aware there are different approaches to this. To me it's a matter of choosing the right person for you.
Yeah.
I wont ask for a date anymore, but I think she will. Don't really know if I should meet then or should it just be stopped there. Not really sure what to say then to remain cool?
You see her at work you smile and be polite. Just like with any other person.
It's up to you if you meet her again or not. This is your own experience to make. I know for myself I wouldn't because I already had this experience and it's not good. If you have not yet this experience, it's up to you.
Quote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 7:53 pmQuote from SocialPower on February 6, 2022, 7:31 pmQuote from John Freeman on February 6, 2022, 7:18 pmMy take on this is compatibility: when you find someone you're compatible with on enough levels, you don't have to do anything. You just have to be you. Like with your friends.
I'm aware there are different approaches to this. To me it's a matter of choosing the right person for you.
Yeah.
I wont ask for a date anymore, but I think she will. Don't really know if I should meet then or should it just be stopped there. Not really sure what to say then to remain cool?You see her at work you smile and be polite. Just like with any other person.
It's up to you if you meet her again or not. This is your own experience to make. I know for myself I wouldn't because I already had this experience and it's not good. If you have not yet this experience, it's up to you.
Allright. Good to hear about that learning experience. I have also experienced something similar with a former gf, was not that good, maybe that's why I got the negative vibe. It will be through text since I won't see her at work.
Hey SP,
Difficult to advise not being there.
You mention harsh rejections, but write little of the rejection itself, and from what you write... They don't seem that harsh to me.
Harsh would be more something like "eeeew, no" or "nooo, I don't like you" or any reaction that sub-communicates disgust towards either you or intimacy.
And albeit escalation that doesn't lead to sex often are the end of an interaction -but not always-, it also doesn't seem to be that case because she kept chasing you, rather than writing you off.
And the second time out seem to be the bigger issue to me.
At that point, I'd have busted out the "serious, no more games" convo:
Look, we've been here already once, and now it's twice.
I think it's obvious that if we're, here, we like each other.
And when two people like each other, they go along with the flow.
I like you personally, but I'm also looking for chemistry and sexual chemistry.
Such as:
Stop playing this "later" game because I'm losing interest and attraction.
Chances are that she'd try to convince you to that yes, she likes you, but...
And now you might be able to surface the issue.
8.5 times out of 10, you'd probably go forward and have sex, and she'd be happy she did it.
And if the issues she surfaces is really that big, then you chill back and say "cool, then we're friends" and drop any escalation or sexual tone (and of those left that didn't proceed, a few will proceed at this point).
How to take it from there, difficult to say from the outside.
But I'd:
- Not invite her out anymore
- Wait if she contacts you / invite you out
- Tell her to cook something she likes and you'll do something she likes and you'll enjoy at your place with a wine
- Proceed to treat her like a GF when she's there, and move to sex
If it doesn't happen now, it should probably be goodbye for good in most scenarios (with some rare exceptions still applying, like huge sexual hangups, previous traumas, super strict religious background, etc.).
