Former Community – We Moved
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When people self-disempower, go overboard to re-empower
On this awesome idea-thread by John on a meetup, PD says:
Man, that would be awesome.
I've been here around 5/6 months so maybe this could be considered a bit like inviting myself to the meet up, since most folks that are active in the forum have been like +2 years here.
Assuming there's no problem with me being (...)
It's a totally fair message.
But if you want PD to be there as an equal, and not as a "freshman", saying "of course you're welcome" does not completely negate that initial frame.
And it does not bring PD back to "equal" status.
Think of it like math averaging.
If you one goes -3 and you say "no, you cool", your reply is a neutral 0 or just +1.
He's still negative.
And if you say "you can", it's even a slightly power-taking frame (as the frame becomes "I/we decide, and you're allowed ").
So, to bring the person back to neutral or positive, you want to go +3 or 5 so that the average is neutral or positive.
Such as, not only to say "of course you're welcome", but something like:
- Bro, you'll sit at the head table
- Man, not only you're welcome, you get the red carpet :)
- You MUST be there (the option I went for)
This is similar to when people self-demean and you want to blow that frame out of the water.
For example, they may say:
- Yeah, I'm just not that smart, not sure if....
- She's pretty, but I'm a bit short, so not sure...
- I'm not sure if I'm accomplished enough to apply...Â
If you want to nullify that thread and bring back to normal or positive, you can't just say "you're smart/tall/accomplished enough".
You need to go extra overboard so that the average is back in the middle (or in the positive).
Ie.:
- Yeah, I'm just not that smart, not sure if.... = we're all a bunch of idiots here, the only doubt I have is if you're not too smart for us
- She's pretty, but I'm a bit short, so not sure... = bro, she'd be lucky if you keep her just about until the morning after
- I'm not sure if I'm accomplished enough to apply... = I was actually thinking if that job wasn't too beneath you
P.S.:
Just to be clear, there was absolutely nothing wrong with PD's initial message.
I only used it as an example because it was a real-life case scenario that made this dynamic all the more "real".Â
As a matter of fact, I only used it as an example because I consider PD a cool guy (and PD, if you disagree and don't like the example, just let me know).
