Sexual power
Understanding sexual power dynamics is essential for anyone who wants to date effectively.
We dig into evolutionary biology and psychology research and mix the author’s extensive experience to examine how sexual power dynamics influence the relationships between men and women.
These foundations of sexual power dynamics will help you better navigate dating and relationships, defend yourself when needed, and achieve your goals.
INTRO
Sexual Power Dynamics refers to the patterns of negotiation leverage over sex and sex-related areas.
It reflects the ways men and women exercise agency over access to sex, the quality of sexual experiences, and the relational outcomes that stem from sexual interactions. These dynamics are shaped by biological factors (such as sexual desire and reproductive strategies), social factors (status, reputation, and scarcity), and individual skill (sexual competence, confidence, and interpersonal influence).
Baumeister‘s sexual economics theory conceptualizes heterosexual sexual relationships as a market, where:
- Women are “sellers” of sexual access, screening sexual partners more carefully
- Men are “buyers”, competing for sexual access
We explain the “why” in the overview of the sexual marketplace.
But for our scope here, we start from this basic general premise as a given.
That means that, for most men, there is a gap between how much sex they want and how much they can get.
In simpler terms: most men want more sex than they can get.
This leads to the first major point of sexual power dynamics:
Women Have Sexual Power
Generally speaking:
Women are the gatekeepers of sex, and gatekeepers have power over anyone who “wants in”.
In sex, women have one of the -sometimes the most- powerful tools of dating.
In social exchange terms, that power is negotiation leverage.
With that leverage, women can field any demand to men.
Obviously, it’s only in prostitution that the demand becomes direct and explicit.
But even in indirect and covert terms, that exchange is one of the most important factors of dating power dynamics.
For example, in most “standard dating”, in exchange for sex and/or continued sexual access, women often demand initial courtship, investment, support and, possibly, even commitment before sex even takes place.
Of course, outside of relationships, women can also get all kinds of other stuff with sex or the promise of sex.
It might not be an exaggeration to say that women can trade sex -or the hint of sex- to get anything else, while men trade anything else for sex.
It might sound crude to put it that way, but it’s an important rule of social and sexual dynamics.
Women’s sexual power is strongest:
- Before sex
- With men who have limited options
- With men who lust after her, or her particular type of woman
The Limits of Women’s Sexual Power
However, there are some important limits to women’s sexual power:
- Women’s sexual power decreases after sex happens the first time, sometimes precipitously. That means that the leverage is highest before sex happens
- Women’s sexual power matters less during relationships, because intimacy becomes part of the relationship, and a given. That means that female sexual power is higher during dating
- Women’s sexual leverage is smaller with men who can easily get sex, as per simple supply and demand
The Evolution of Sexual Pleasure
Some quick theory now to understand the foundations of sexual dynamics.
While the scholarly debate hasn’t settled on female orgasm, Geoffrey Miller proposes an interesting theory.
He suggests that the duration and intensity of copulation in a species is a clue to the power of female choice. Longer copulation, elusive female orgasms and continuous sexual receptivity allows women to ‘test’ the best men.
So:
- Vaginas discriminate, and helps to select males who are able and willing provide pleasurable foreplay, sustained copulation, and good intensity
- Penises don’t discriminate: just like men in general, penises are ‘easier to sexually please’, and ejaculate more easily
The way masturbation works for the two genders is also very telling in this regard.
It took millions of years and much human ingenuity to achieve maximum female pleasure with (relatively) complex mechanical stimulation via vibrators.
And although men can also enjoy inflating dolls and virtual reality, their peak level of pleasure via masturbation is still largely the same. And it’s simple to achieve: just a hand away.
Basically, the same since our cavemen’s days:
That’s a very important difference when it comes to sex power dynamics.
It means that:
Men Have Sexual Pleasure Power
Female pleasure matters more in sexual dynamics.
Evolutionary theories even suggest that men may have evolved to pursue female pleasure and orgasm.
And this leads us to a conundrum:
Sex empowers women but quality of sex empowers men more than women.
Put differently, sexual access is a tool of female power while sexual skills are a tool of male power.
That’s the general principle.
From a strategic point of view, it means that men gain more by improving their sexual skills than women do.
Not saying it’s useless for women to be good in bed, but improving one’s sexual skills has a much higher ROI for men, than for women.
Great Sex Is Negotiation Leverage
Let’s focus on providing good sex now.
Providing great sex does afford power.
Whenever you can provide something that others want, that gives you power.
Do you remember when talking about the sexual market place we said that people with an over-abundance of value in one category can allow themselves to give less in another category?
The same concept applies to sex.
Men who provide her with great sex can have women go over to their places without investing much else in the relationship.
Women can also have men come over for sex, of course, and they do it all the time.
Not just going over for sex, but also bringing gifts.
But that’s because men want more sex than they can get, and not necessarily because she is particularly skilled in the art of sexual fulfillment.
Most men with a mostly sexual relationship and nothing else on the plate instead need to offer more than just basic sex.
All else excluded, they need to offer great sex (if we include all else, then one could also offer fun time, healing time, drugs, etc. etc. but we’re not discussing that now).
Great sex matters most with high sex drive women
Sexual pleasure affords men most power with:
- High sex drive woman
- Orgasmic / libertine woman
- Several orgasms -in a row-
- Several sessions of sex with orgasms
In those cases, his value is extremely higher in the “sex” department, and his power shoots up after sex.
In terms of “great sex” VS “OK sex” in our straight-line seduction model:
In some fringe cases, his power may even get into the red zone.
If the woman is not very confident she may think that she’s either not good enough for him, or that he’s a guy who is ONLY into sex.
Many of these women often self-reject and do not want to see him again -especially if they’re looking for a relationship-.
We’ll later have a lesson on how to convert one-time sex (including big bang sex) into regulars and relationships.
The Limits of Male Sexual Power
That being said, there are limitations to men’s use of great sex as well.
To begin with:
1. Sex matters little in pre-sex dating (ie.: you can’t start with great sex)
Sex comes later.
In terms of social exchange parlance, it’s an inner-layer trait, so it’s invisible upon first meeting someone (it’s “opaque”).
And in simple terms: sex skills are not what initially attracts women, it doesn’t put your foot in the door.
So, at least in temporal terms, when it comes to partner’s attraction, sex takes a backfoot to more visible layers such as status, health, beauty, etc.
This is one of the reasons why so far I’ve never taken any course on sexual skills. NOT because it’s not useful -and NOT necessarily because I wouldn’t need :)-.
But because, in terms of pure effectiveness, it’s usually better to prioritize external layers and/or to focus on meeting new women.
Same reason why I don’t care much about back hair, BTW, they come later, and are rarely deal-breakers.
It’s only once the couple gets to sex, that sex also enters the computation of sexual market value.
Sexual Game
It’s certainly possible to advertise great sex before sex, and use that to get to sex.
Men can do it both with direct talk, or with mannerism that exudes sexuality and sexpertise.
See Seduction University for examples.
But then we’re not strictly talking about sex anymore.
That’s more about self-promotion, as well as advertising comfort around sex.
And of course, it’s also possible to fake that since a man may advertise sex as something great for her, and then give two f*cks about following through and make it all about himself instead.
2. Sex Loses Some Leverage Over The Long Term
In fresh relationships, sex takes the center stage.
In casual dating in more libertine dating, there isn’t even much else aside from sex.
But as the relationship progresses, her needs and wants also change.
Women often start demanding more than just “meeting and having sex”.
So the power of sex gets diluted with the other currencies she demands, such as support, loyalty, fathering, etc.
Take this one as an example:
This relationship crashed and burned in spite of that initial off-the-charts chemistry.
She wanted and was adamant on a relationship. I like her a lot but couldn’t offer commitment.
And there was no great sex that could have saved it, without eventually committing (albeit it might have been used to prolong it and turn it into a semi-toxic entanglement).
Sex and attraction are also intertwined.
Great sex can be extremely effective in boosting attraction, and heightening her feelings of love and admiration.
But a relationship that turns sour also often negatively impacts sexual pleasure.
In short: it’s unlikely a man can keep a woman who seeks a relationship just by providing great sex.
In the long run, more is required.
This is especially true for high-quality women who more easily get men and investment.
They have more dating power, and they more assertively demand what they believe should get.
The “Toy Boy Trap”: When You’re A 1-Trick Sex Pony
Remember the “lovers & providers” strategy?
The worst type of provider was a provider of a meager income, without much else.
And the worst type of lover is a provider of OK sex, without much else.
The same logic can be extended to great sex providers.
If all a man has got to give are orgasms, then she is the chooser and he is a provider (of sex).
Not a bad position to be in, in many ways.
But if he is clueless about power dynamics, then he becomes a toyboy.
Not much different from a billionaire having sex with a dumb bimbo.
As a matter of fact, bimbos and toyboys are the same roles, for the different genders.
Disempowered As Toy-Boy: Low Prower Provides
I’ll give you an example:
I once had a woman who left a girlfriend of hers waiting in the car to show up at my place.
A blonde Russian with a furry coat, she showed up at my door with that coat… And nothing underneath.
Hot.
And as soon as we were done, she left without saying a word, but grinning a big smile.
That smile was not just because of sex, but also because she was high on her feeling of power.
And she wasn’t wrong: she came, literally and figuratively, and left.
All on her will and time.
Compare: High-Power Makes Others Worried to Provide
Now compare that with the sexual experience with another woman, K.
I went for anal sex with K, but had to stop because it was painful, and we kept doing normal vaginal sex.
Not an issue at all, I’m not into anal and couldn’t have cared less.
Once we were done, as we lay in sweat, her resting on top of me, I was enjoying the silence.
Brief silence, though. K. soon raised her head and asked “are you OK?”.
I nodded.
Little later she asked again “are you OK that we did not… “.
What was going on there?
K. was worried that I was disappointed that she could not provide the anal experience.
In which situations does the man have more power?
Of course, the latter.
From a power dynamic perspective, having your partner worry about making you happy with good sex is more powerful than you giving great sex.
These examples are at different extremes.
As a general rule, we can say that sex is another important piece of the sexual market value.
As a standalone, good sex is not enough to make one an overall high-value mate. But a lack of good sex can be a major drawback with mates who want and expect great sex.
Power and Sex
Power, dominance, and sex are interrelated.
For example:
- Women prefer higher-power men
- Men seek power to gain sexual access, suggest evolutionary theories
- Testosterone fuels sexual and dominance motives (Toatest, 2020), suggesting higher power men are more driven to seek sex and dominate in intimate settings
However, there is an important difference here.
Power empowers men far more than it empowers women in most sex-related areas.
Women often prefer men of higher status and dominance, which limits the options of lower status men, but increases the negotiation leverage of higher status men.
I’d also suspect that more powerful men, both socially and interpersonally, enjoy higher attraction from women.
On the other hand, for many men, it’s the opposite: they prefer submissive women.
Meaning, power and success may be costly to women’s dating and sexual power.
This is an excerpt from Seduction University, where we keep the best and most practical content.
