What do you do when someone pretends they don’t know you or don’t remember you?
Someone not remembering you or you not remembering someone is a common occurrence in social life.
And it’s a crucial moment of social power dynamics that will heavily impact your social value, status, and power.
Get it right, and you’ll take your status to the next level.
By the end of this post, you will know exactly how to deal with these sticky social situations.
1. Don’t Remind Them!
First rule.
No matter if they are pretending not to remember you or they really don’t, you do not remind them.
Not if you care about status, respect, and advancing at life, at least.
Or, actually, even if you don’t care.
Just respect yourself a bit more, and handle forgetful people properly.
Most People Instinctively… Do It Wrong
This popular post of an otherwise likable chap is the perfect example of what most do wrong when people don’t remember you.
Basically, when his conversation partner doesn’t seem to remember him he explains all the details of when, where, and how they met.
Nice way of setting yourself up for a triple crown of failure :).
He even suspects some people “forget” him on purpose, and he’s still playing into their hands and giving all his power away -head-wall banging-.
Explaining all the details is like saying:
Sub-communication: I remember everything about you because you’re so cool and higher value. And I am obviously so insignificant and low value that you don’t remember anything about me.
It’s pleading, it makes you look insecure, and it slots you as the lower-value man in that relationship.
Why you don’t remind them how you met
The general principles are:
1. Remembering means caring
When someone remembers you well, it’s a way of sub-communicating that they liked you. Or that you were important to them and that they cared. Or a mix of all of them.
In either case, it’s a positive gesture.
2. Not remembering means not caring
When someone does not remember you they are sub-communicating you were not important enough.
3. The high effort ot reminding disempowers you
All that effort also violates the law of least social effort, which states that the more effort you invest compared to others, the more power you lose.
4. Pretending not to remember means power move
Pretending not to remember instead means they are willingly trying to make you look bad. Or trying to make themselves look superior.
It’s social climbing in groups.
Or plain disrespect and the sign of a socially belligerent attitude.
When you keep reminding yourself of how where and when you met you keep caring for someone who doesn’t care about you.
Socially, you are giving value while they are taking value from you. Which is the definition of kissing up.
As an example, take a look at this scene from Play the Game. Who do you think is chasing who here:
Notice that as he reminds her one issue becomes obvious in their relationship: she didn’t care enough to remember.
On the other hand, he remembered everything about her, thus communicating it was a big thing for him.
He is heavily invested, she is not.
And now he brought all those issues to the surface, where they are obvious to everyone.
If he had pretended not to remember either, it would have been a neutral interaction instead.
And now the big question is: what do you do then?
2. Prevent the value loss: let them remember you first
If you know someone but they haven’t said hi yet, you can approach them warmly and give them time to remember.
For example, imagine you know someone, you see each other… But they don’t say “hi”.
Then you can make the first move and make it all natural:
You hey man how you doing
Him: hey hi there good, how’s your night going
You: good good, I think we know each other. Were you at Sarah’s party by any chance?
Him: yeah I was, I think I remmeber you know…
And done.
Now it’s natural, socially smooth, and nobody loses any power.
Notice that you say “I think”.
That’s a strategic move.
“I think” implies you barely remember and are not sure, so you don’t put him on some pedestal.
Plus, you lower the risk for your social value in case he pretends he doesn’t remember.
Or alternatively, you can start with an implied “I think”:
You: hey man you seem like a known face…
And then let them make the move.
Prevention is a very defensive mindset though and I wouldn’t recommend it.
One because you should greet people you know warmly, and second… Are you really gonna pussyfoot afraid someone might not remember you?
Exactly…
3. Move on quickly to avoid any power loss
The principle is:
The faster you move, the less you linger on the power loss, and the smaller the loss.
Example:
You: Hi, how have you been, I think we’ve met before
Her: hey hi, not sure I remember, I’m really bad with people
You: I think some time ago at some party, but it was quick. How are you doing anyway
Let’s analyze it a bit better:
HER
Note here that she is very warm. She’d be in a position to “take advantage of you”, but instead she’s extending an olive branch. With that “I’m really bad with people” she’s indeed slightly demeaning herself and taking the blame. She’s socially attuned and possibly “protecting your feelings”.
YOU
“I think” is vague and blurry as if you don’t remember too well either. And “it was quick” is saying “That’s why you don’t remember, not because you have a bad memory (and.. Not because I’m unremarkable ;).
And then you quickly move on taking pressure off the slightly awkward moment.
You are both playing a very good and mutually helpful game here.
4. Even the score and move on
This one is a bit sneakier.
But sometimes, it’s fair.
Plus, you should always defend yourself anyway.
I recommend using this with a poor attitude.
You can’t be always sure whether or not it was a Power Move, but the social consequences are the same, so you will even the score (same for intros)
You: Hi, I do know you, how have you been
Her: (haughty attitude) Are you sure we know each other?
You: Hmmm.. Probably I got confused, there are quite a few blondes around here, I’m X anyway
Note: the blond comment serves to even the scores as it hints at the fact she’s unremarkable.
“Probably” is there to not completely renege your previous sentence: you’re not afraid of telling how it is, you just got little patience for Power Moves.
That’s it, you take your friendly overture back and match the mood.
Don’t explain how you met, where you met, and keep for yourself you remember her because she was hot :)
And you then move the conversation forward because remember: your goal is building positive relationships. Be more memorable now and next time she won’t play any game (or chances are, she will “remember” later on ).
5. Pretend you don’t know them
This is for when you’re damn sure you’re dealing with a Power Mover: they know you but are pretending not to.
For whatever reason, they decided to use your warm hello for a good ol’ social climb.
And your empowered reaction to that is: on your dead body!
You: “hey, Samantha right? Good to see you, how have you been
Her: “hey, hi, do we know each other?
You: (look at her quizzically, corrugate your forehead, as if you’re trying to remember) “sorry, I confuse you with someone else. But anyway, how’s your night going”
This way you negate their game by ignoring it (36th law of power). Don’t tell your name at all: it would give them a chance to “remember” you and fake that it took them a while.
And of course “sorry” is not a real sorry, it’s said neutrally, check how Hashton Kutcher does it.
Then be “friendly cold”, tell them it was great meeting them, and end the interaction with a smirk that says “you’re quite bad aren’t you”. And off you go.
Two Different Cases of Forgetfulness
First of all, there are two different cases of people not remembering you:
- They really don’t remember you
- They are pretending not to remember you (a Power Move)
How you react will depend on which one you are dealing with.
But whichever case you are dealing with, you still never remind them.
SUMMARY
When someone doesn’t remember you it says they didn’t find you remarkable.
And when someone pretends they don’t know you they are pulling a social power move on you.
Either way, it’s best not to remind them how you met or you devalue yourself in the process.
So you don’t remind them, but
- Move on with the interaction quickly
- Even the scores (back-handed remark) and move on
- Pretend you got confused and cut the interaction short
Also, see:
- Case Study Analysis: Jordan Belfort plays the “don’t know you” game on Grant Cardone
