You must be careful when you don’t remember someone’s name.
Your forgetfulness disempowers them, breaks rapport, disempowers them, and loses you social and life opportunities.
Especially if they remember you.
We explained these dynamics in “what to do when someone doesn’t remember you“.
In this article we focus instead on how to handle when you don’t remember them.
And here’s how you handle your forgetfulness:
1. Ask nonchalantly, as if it didn’t matter
The principle is:
The more of a big deal you make it, the bigger deal it becomes.
And the more insignificant you treat it, the more insignificant it is.
So, don’t even put pressure on yourself to remember.
Don’t even try to.
That would only make it worse as it highlights you just can’t remember despite your effort.
Instead, ask them as if forgetting was a normal thing that just happens -it is, after all-.
This is the attitude you want to sub-communicate:
Hey you! Sure you do seem a known face, and sure I will remember you as soon as you give me more details
This way you take the pressure off and make it seem as if “of course, you know you’ve crossed paths before, you just don’t remember the details”.
If she’s attractive, you can also pretend not to remember her. Now that’s a nice power move ;)
2: Say “of course” right after they remind you
After they added some details, you show that you do start remembering.
So both verbally and nonverbally, you adpt an “of course expression”.
Here you are sub-communicating something like:
Of course we met there and then, know I remember, and it was a pleasant chat silly me!
But what do you do if you still don’t remember?
You still react warmly and you comment about the event, and how pleasure it was.
And you can simply be straight and say “I got such a terrible memory man ahaha”.
2.2. Say everything you remember about them
If you do remember, say everything you remember about them.
It’s a simple but super effective technique becomes the frame becomes this:
I only needed a little memory jig. I may have no remember the name, but I do remember YOU as a PERSON
And that’s key.
You remember the person, you appreciate him, and you build him back up.
In any case, then move on fast to frame it as a small thing:
3. Move on quickly
The more you dwell on how you don’t remember someone, the more value you are taking away.
Instead, you want to quickly move on so to make the incident seem as small as possible.
Something like this:
Right! Of course! Anyway, what have you been up, how’s your night going
Then, keep talking about new topics.
Who is he there with, who he knows at the party, share about yourself, etc.
4. Take the blame
This is standard power protection technique.
And don’t worry about overdoing the vulnerability.
You’re already higher power when they know you, but you don’t know them. And Every smart guy knows that you’re just being nice to them.
So you can safely take the blame here and say something like:
My brain is fried
OR:
Maybe I should go easier on the punch
And then, again, move on quickly.
Principle
The principles of these approaches are the core of this website’s credo.
They include:
- Make friends, not enemies. You want to avoid that lots of people think of you as a haughty as*hole. Instead, you want lots of people to think of you as a great guy they’d rather support, than tear down
- Be high power. And you’re already high power if they remember you, but you don’t remember them. So instead in this case, you need to work more on warmth:
- Be high warmth
- Pull people up. Or, at least, those who deserve it. If this person came to you respectfully and friendly, then… Pull them up, instead of pushing them down.
The mindset here is that you show that you are a socially skilled individual who brings the people around up, not down.
And when you make the mistake of not remembering, you know how to take the blame without devaluing people.
SUMMARY
When you don’t remember someone, you are automatically framed as higher value.
That’s great, but… You don’t want to frame them as too low-value because that’s disempowering and breaks rapport.
So you take the pressure off, make it look as if it’s just a momentary lapse or communicate that it’s your issue. Then move on quickly.
