Some bad bosses shout, and it can be a distressful experience for employees.

It’s also highly disempowering and can cost you in status, respect, and career opportunities.

Especially if he yelled at you in front of other colleagues.

Between us, it’s demeaning, humiliating, and emasculating.
Not good for your own self-confidence.

So by the end of this post, you will learn how to put your yelling boss back in his place.

Quick preview:

⬆️ She disrespected me publicly. But she quickly regretted it

#1. Internalize Aggression Is NEVER OK

As usual, mindsets come first.

You have to believe it in your core that:

1. You are worthy, no matter where you stand in the silly org chart
2. It’s NEVER ok for someone disrespects you

That includes when you make a mistake, because:

#2. Internalize Mistakes Are OK

We all make mistakes.

And whenever we commit a mistake, it doesn’t mean we become sub-humans who can be abused.

If your boss is yelling at you, yes, you probably made a mistake.
And you will learn from it. But you need to internalize that mistakes and abusive reactions to mistakes are not connected.

Mistakes are natural and fair game, verbal aggression is not.
Ignorance does not justify aggression.

Never allow anyone to link mistakes to yelling (read below) and especially do not link them in your mind.

Yelling is also very poor leadership.
It instills a fear of making more mistakes, which stifles creativity, teamwork and, ironically, is more likely to induce mistakes.

So here is another mindset for you: it’s your duty to limit the power and scope of poor managers.
If you let them get away with it, they will keep abusing people for their whole life.

#3. Let Him Yell

If he’s really furious, let him go ahead.

He’s chipping away at your social status, that’s for sure.
But you’re in for the war, not the battle.

And in the meanwhile, he’s also embarrassing himself as he shows no internal control whatsoever.

When you let him yell uninterrupted, you allow everyone to see he’s a dickhead.
A few minutes from now, everyone will be on your side when you’ll serve him skewered.

The trick here is not to listen without listening.

What do I mean?

To let his words go through you without hurting you and without getting under your skin.

“Be like water”, said Bruce Lee (and Robert Greene).
And communication trainers such as George Thompson and Douglas Stone make emotional detachment a centerpiece of getting what you want in difficult exchanges.

See the point?

In short: most smart people agree that a crucial aspect of verbal power and control is being able to not take things personally.

If you can’t yet, meditate.

The goal is to reach a point where you can remain calm while you plan the exact wording of your next move, which will come as soon as he stops.

In the meanwhile, while he speaks:

#4. Keep Proud Nonverbal

Don’t look down, don’t droop your shoulders, don’t arch your back.

Stand straight, as if you had an air of defiance -minus the air of defiance in your face-.

Basically, look strong, just without facial signs of aggression.
You avoid facial signs of aggression because first, you don’t want to escalate. And second, you don’t want to warn him about what’s coming.

#5. State You Are Not OK With Yelling

Me: I have no idea about the test, and I appreciate a more respectful tone

Now the time has come for you to speak.

Do NOT address your mistakes here: that will make you look weaker and give ammo to the yelling boss.

Do NOT address the words of what he said: you don’t want a debate.

Once he’s done say instead something like this:

You: I understand you are angry. But I am not OK with you screaming at me

Alternatively, a bit less strong but equally powerful:

You: I understand you are angry. But I feel that yelling is very impolite and aggressive 

Then pause.

#6. Hold Your Own

If you reached this point: congratulations!

Whatever you do now, even if you muck up all the rest, your boss and the people around will already respect you much, much more.

Now let’s keep going.

Two things can happen here:

• He will ignore what you said and resume reaming you for your mistake even harder (don’t worry: that’s OK)
• He will attack what you said and state that it’s not aggressive or impolite

In either case, he will probably perceive what you’ve just done as insubordination and he wants you to backtrack.

Here you want to clarify the point that you’re not out for a fight or to deny your mistake.
But you’re demanding fair treatment.

If he says you fuc*ed it up, you answer:

You: I made a mistake, and I own it.
But that does not give you the right to yell at me. That’s very rude and it’s unacceptable behavior

Whatever he says, keep repeating your point, just with different words:

You: I always strive to improve my performance and I am happy to talk about it in private.
But yelling at me publicly like is completely out of line and I do not accept that kind of behavior

The more he screams, the more you look powerful and in control: he’s the one flipping out and you’re the one making him dance to your tune.

#7. Don’t Accept “Sorry But You… “

As we’ve seen mistakes and aggression are two separate things.

But bad bosses will try to use your mistake to justify their aggression.
Never allow that!

If you allow it, you empower them to make you look so bad that it’s your fault that they can’t control themselves.

So when they say:

Boss: yeah, sorry, BUT you did X / Y, that’s unaccetapble and it’s costing us..

You say:

You: you’re right, and I am happy to discuss my mistake, how to fix it, how to learn from it and how to never make it happen again. But these are two different topics.
The other topic is verbal bullying ,and that’s not OK.

Basically: make sure you keep the mistake and the verbal abuse separate.

Dealing with the abuse and the mistake at the same time is nothing but double abuse.

Have you noticed the parallel?
This is the same as saying “OK, she was victimized, I’m really sorry, but what was she doing at 2 am at the flat party?”
That kind of “rationale” humiliates the victim twice.

Don’t allow anyone to do it to you.

P.S.:
We teach how to become a respect-worthy man in Power University.

#8. Demand a Public Apology

Here is what sneaky bosses will do when forced to apologize

They had their aggressive display of strength in public and they will later apologize in private.

An apology is a meaningful step, but you will have to demand a public apology.

Say:

You: Thank you, I appreciate you realizing it wasn’t cool and apologizing. At the same time though you yellet at me in public, and I lost face in public.
I believe you should apologize in public as well.

If he doesn’t, he’s not a great human being.

His ego is more important to him than respecting the people around him and achieving the organization’s goals.
He probably has a fixed mindset. Good to know.

Learn from bad bosses, too. It will help you become a much better leader once it is your turn.

Also see:

• How to get rid of bad bosses

Case Study

In a Toastmasters leadership WhatsApp group.

Think of the social power dynamics, and think of ways you would handle the shouting boss:

Now take a look at my reply and try to think of why I said what I said:

Now read the comments and the notes below:

Lots of power moves in my replies. Get Power University for the full strategy

Her: You make it difficult to discreetly ignore you <— Rude and babying

Her: FIND THE D*** TEST! <— Equivalent of rude yelling

(3 minutes later) <— ♟️ Strategic fast reply. I didn’t want her to apologize on her own. I wanted her to apology because of me 💪🏼

Me: I have no idea about the test <— Confidently owns it.
And I appreciate a more respectful tone Eva <— Focuses on the tone, sets boundaries with straight talk

Her: Sorry! <— Good, but not enough

Me: (silence) <— ♟️ I wanted everyone to read. I wanted her to stew on it, and add more

Her: (audio message) <— High-investment extra apology

Me: OK, let’s make sure it doesn’t happen again, and apologies accepted :) <— Now it was enough to accept.

Because I found it unacceptable, I was ready to stand my ground as long as needed.

Anyway, let’s go on and see what happened:

After the apology, I strike a conciliatory tone.

If you have enough power and want to come out on top avoid the socially friendly “let’s” and say:

OK, make sure it doesn’t happen again and apologies accepted

Note the video “I’ll do my very best” is a further apology, albeit not an empowering one.

To begin with, “doing one’s best” is not enough when you’re serious about not accepting abuse. He must do it full stop, not doing his best.

And second, “doing one’s best” implies the possibility, and power, of doing it again.

Not too cool. Ideally, you want to be near the same level of power as your boss so that he doesn’t even think that yelling (again) is even a possibility.

Learn more techniques about executing vs giving orders:

But OVERALL…

I gained significant status and respect.
Do something similar with a bad boss, and others will see you as a leader with strong values. 🦅
It wasn’t by accident I was proposed as the next president, and it went unchallenged.

SUMMARY

So to deal with a yelling boss start with the mindsets: you deserve respect.

Then, grow leverage.
Develop your skills, network, options, and save money.

This article then showed you the step-by-step techniques you can use.

Remember this lesson when you become the boss: treat people with dignity, and you’ll contribute to a better world.