Quote from Alejom on April 5, 2023, 10:31 pm

# 4 - Responding to tests - the ex’s stories

Surprisingly (ironic mode on), the girl from the last posts still gives some learning lessons to share.

This time we were just flirting over text, and the conversation goes like this:

Me: (I flirt with her…)

She: Those damn Spanish flirty guys

Me: I know, we are the best 😎

Then she suddenly turned it into drama, kinda flirty, but drama:

She: naaaah, had bad experiences

She: Spanish guys bullshit a lot, is heartbreaking

She: my ex was Spanish, actually both of them xD

She: when you said you were Spanish, my first thought was NO FUCKING WAY AGAIN. Really.

I’m taking this as a test (a huge one, what a move :D). Keeping in mind it was a fast crash, we slept a couple of times and then she returned to her country + we’re meeting in a few days in person, so I thought the best strategy is to just keep the fun up and don’t give it importance:

Me: (Sends gif about Shakira)

Me: I think you and Shakira will be great friends

But seems she took it rationally instead of in a flirty way:

She: what does it mean?

So, I thought the best way is just to change the topic (again) as she’s getting too caught up and we’re over text.

Me: haven't you heard the song?

She: no, she has many songs

Me: I'll show you in the mountains. How's life in Dresden going?

Let’s see how it goes as I’m writing this as it’s happening :D. Other alternatives I thought:

1. “It means your life looks like a Mexican drama show ;)” (but maybe a bit too confrontative, as she’s very sensitive and has been hurt)

2. “It means it’d be great if you trust me so I can trust you as well ;)” (but too cheesy as we’re not a couple or anything)

Here we go. Looking forward to getting to the frames control or seduction sections so I’ll have some science to help make decisions rather than being pure intuition.

Hope it helps you as inspiration. Would love to hear opinions and alternatives if you’re having/had similar experiences!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 6, 2023, 6:05 pm

Hello Alejom, I think it was a good idea to change topic at that point.

Could have been smoother though -and that's why she said "what does it mean"-.

For example, you could have improved on that thread before changing with a comment such as:

You: LOL, OK, good thing I'm the good type of Spanish guy 😊

This is great because you:

• Vibe / understand her
• Turn it back to you, which is crucial because you don't want to talk too long about exes on text, and early on
• Turn a sad moment into a smile

Actually, an answer like this is golden because you become the type of guy who can vibe and understand while also putting a smile on her face during her sad times.

A rare breed.

That emjoy is also strategic: you say you're a good guy, but just to be make sure you don't end up as a "too nice guy" or a boyfriend candidate (if you don't want that), you add the emjoy to sub-communicate "it's all in jest".

After that you can change topic.

Quote from John Freeman on April 7, 2023, 3:40 pm

Hello Alejom,

I think it is important to address her concern: afraid to be hurt. She was afraid it was not going to be win-win. Women are quite vulnerable when it comes to attachment. So I think it's up to us to be as honest as possible with them. It does not mean to promise anything but to be as straight as possible. I agree with all Lucio said, it is about showing you're different. Not only showing but being. For instance, empathizing, saying you're different and moving on:

You: yeah, sometimes we get hurt in relationships (so you don't validate her "Spanish guy" frame, it's a matter of people not nationality). What I can tell you is that I will always tell you the truth (and stick to it of course).

Her: blablaba

You: have you watched any good movies recently (or anything else to change topic)

It all depends on your intentions and that's what she's concerned about. So if you don't address it at some point, it will stay a doubt in her mind.

Quote from Bel on April 7, 2023, 4:42 pm

Hello Alejom, Lucio, John,

It's an interesting topic.

I second Lucio's proposed answer to her texts, which is stellar level-awesome and which I learned from.

EDIT: it works even with something I used to encounter rather frequently - which was "oh you're a lawyer - bad profession".

I also second Lucio's initial post about avoiding communicating via text - or, better specified, avoiding initiating communication via text - as much as possible.

IMO, there is no way to fuck up an interaction by "not texting" or "not calling", but there are many many ways to fuck it up by communicating over the phone.

My take is that this principle does not change in cases where there is a hyatus - even a long hyatus - in the interaction due to logistical distance - including in cases where the hyatus takes place in the very first moments, eg after 30 seconds of conversation and exchanging contacts.

If a woman wants to see you again even though she went away for some time, she will. And if she doesn't, she won't. No amount of "keeping in touch via text" will change her decision.

Quote from Alejom on April 11, 2023, 11:20 pm

Hey all, thanks a bunch for such detailed responses! It just would be fair that I dedicate the time to follow up one by one as well.

Lucio: it's impressive to see how much you can say in such short text, and specially how calibrated that reply sounds. Definitely my (and I think) everyone's desired achievement: to be as effective as possible in our communication.

John: man, it's easily noticeable how much you internalised PU concepts by spotting that easy the no win-win she might've felt and invalidating the frame which is not interesting for us (exactly the lessons I'm with these days!). Being honest with you, that reply isn't my style, but I get the strategy behind about addressing her getting hurt concern and I think that's what's important.

Bel: while I generally agree on your point, I feel it "not texting/calling no fucking up" sounds a bit extreme. You can also fuck up easily an interaction in person, but the way I see it is that social interactions take risks and sometimes, some bravery. However, the general point of "minimalising texting" I think is good advice, and always depending on the context. In this case, we'll go in 3 weeks to the mountains for a few days, so some logistic organisation (+ flirting to set the vibe) I think is necessary. Hope this makes sense 😉

Thank you all for taking the time to sharing your suggestions and POVs! Your expertise is very appreciated and love to see how active this forum is.

Quote from Alejom on April 11, 2023, 11:57 pm

5 - Aggressive power won’t work - the insistent guy

Sharing a new case from the last few days. One night during a trip to Warsaw, I went to a pub to socialize with a few people, 6 or 7 to be precise.

While we were enjoying some beers and having fun, two more people arrived, and one of them (let’s call him Adam) was clearly feeling like going somewhere else where they had food.

To do that, he clearly failed in how he delivered his proposal to move to the group, and I think it was due to:

• Too early proposal: he basically arrived and proposed to move somewhere else as he was feeling hungry. Connecting and vibing first with the group would’ve given him more chances I believe.
• Too aggressive: he was a bit insistent (to the point of annoying), repeating the same arguments out of the blue: “Hey, aren’t you hungry?”, “Hey, let’s move somewhere else, they have no food here”, etc.
• Not listening: he could’ve checked first what’s the group plans, how’re they feeling, and “planting the seed” of moving somewhere else.

In the end, I had to tell him “I think we’re good here for now, but if you want to go we can join later” so he with two more moved to that place.

But the reality is that, if he delivered his idea in a more optimal way, we’d likely go to that place.

To be honest, that could’ve happened perfectly to me, as sometimes (especially in groups) I either become a bit passive (not expressing my desires) or a bit aggressive (by not knowing how to express them or feeling unconfident). But now that we’re here, in a post-analysis, the question is…

How could’ve done it better?

Here’s my shot.

Firstly, I’d try to connect a bit with the group. Not necessarily to spent much time/effort, but at least some small talk like “where are you from?”, “how did you end up here?”.

Then, maybe I would’ve tried one or two times to see how is the group responding, by indirect questions like “Is someone hungry here?”

Finally, if that’s not working I’d have said something like this:

Listen, I love the vibe in the group and would love to meet you deeper. The thing is that I just left home to join you and didn’t have any food on the way… but I heard there is a bar just 5 min from here that not only the vibe is great, but also has food. What do you say? Of course, if you don’t want to I might go grab something by myself and join you later.

Might not be perfect as I’m barely starting PU and have lots to learn, but I like more this proposal as:

• It’s assertive: you express your emotions/desires as well as respect the group.
• More attractive: by saying 5 minutes and the vibe is great, that’d sound more appealing to the group
• Appeals to the “helping sense”: that last part “if you don’t want to I might go grab something by myself and join you later”, not only give the group the freedom of not having social pressure but also may appeal the sense of community: “No, but we won’t let you go alone!”

Not much to mention in this case. Likely in the future, as I progress on PU I might be able to come back and analyze it in more detail and see it with more POVs.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 13, 2023, 10:08 am

Great reflections, Alejoms.

I have may have personally cut the last part of "of course, if you're not hungry... ".

Not because it's not a good principle, but because in the first sentence it may feel too much and defensive.

Instead, to keep it simple/friendly/warm, keep it s horter.

Then if people don't move with you, you add "alright, I'll go for a quick bite and join you in a bit then".

Quote from Alejom on April 17, 2023, 9:53 am

Hmm, good point Lucio. Re-reading me I feel like the way I expressed it came with a slight feeling of frustration, noticeable in that last sentence. Thanks for the feedback!

Quote from Alejom on April 17, 2023, 10:30 am

6 - Denying flat, earning a friend

I’m currently looking for a flat in Krakow, for a few months.

In a local Whatsapp group, usually used to arrange plans, I saw someone posted that they’re looking for a 3rd flatmate for July-September (perfect for my plans!).

I visited the flat and, even though I don’t consider myself too picky, it was so disorganized and dirty that it was even stinky. Not really surprised as it’s shared by 3 guys in their early 20s, but I’m in my mid 30s and don’t mind sharing as long as it’s decently tidy.

I’ll decline the flat, but at the same time I want to take the chance to maximize the potential friendship, as he’s a nice guy and we have some shared interests: we’re Spanish, dance bachata/salsa, practice calisthenics, and are in the same Whatsapp group.

For me, it’d be beneficial also to have a connection to who I go for suggestions as he’s been living for quite a while in the city already.

To the point - my idea to achieve that desired collab is to send him a Whatsapp audio along these lines:

Hey dude, I've been thinking about the flat and TBH, I'm not sure if I'd feel comfy living there. Plus, I'm gonna need a new place starting in June. Anyways, keep looking for other flatmates, and I'll let you know if I come across someone who's down. But hey, you're still a cool dude and I hope we can still hang out in the group or maybe catch a beer or go on a hike sometime. BTW, I've started doing some calisthenics training in a park nearby. If you want to join, I can show you some sick moves 😉

I’ll give it a second thought today, but that’s my attempt to provide some value while being straight. Happy to hear any POV on the matter.