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Be a Less Exploitable Woman?

#1 · December 30, 2020, 1:16 am

Quote from ty0 on December 30, 2020, 1:16 am
TL;DR As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I be less exploitable? How can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled?
The Problem
I’m super bubbly, warm, quick to smile and laugh, and childlike at times. However, this “friendly; not going to hurt you” and “you can trust me” comes across as naive and a target of manipulation and control. In many situations, I feel powerless.
My situation is more of a power dynamics issue than it is about becoming more discerning of questionable characters. Consider how even good-hearted people test their limits with you and see what they can get away with. For example, imagine you are a boss/manager, but your reports slowly begin to disrespect you over time and eventually boss you around.
Ideas to overcome this (but might fall short):
Be more competent. Think master a skill, do more research, and attain more knowledge. My problem with this strategy is that it falls under the archetype of academic nerd. Though very competent, they still get bullied by dummer, jockier counterparts. (Re: https://thepowermoves.com/high-warmth-high-competence/)
Be more assertive. When someone crosses a boundary of mine, my approach would be to confront them (typically later, after the slight) with: “Hey I didn’t like how you treated me that time by doing X.” Though this approach sometimes works for me, it is a slow reaction, heavy-handed, and not smooth. I’d prefer to quickly communicate in the moment that I didn’t like something (Lucio’s good example of socially savvy). Is there a system or book to learn this?
Switch from warm to cold. In some situations, it seems completely appropriate to react coldly. However, I fear that I’m going to lose my likability if I start becoming cold and hard to deal with.
My question to you all is:
As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled? Or how can I maintain my likability while still being assertive in socially savvy way?

TL;DR As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I be less exploitable? How can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled?

The Problem

I’m super bubbly, warm, quick to smile and laugh, and childlike at times. However, this “friendly; not going to hurt you” and “you can trust me” comes across as naive and a target of manipulation and control. In many situations, I feel powerless.

My situation is more of a power dynamics issue than it is about becoming more discerning of questionable characters. Consider how even good-hearted people test their limits with you and see what they can get away with. For example, imagine you are a boss/manager, but your reports slowly begin to disrespect you over time and eventually boss you around.

Ideas to overcome this (but might fall short):

Be more competent. Think master a skill, do more research, and attain more knowledge. My problem with this strategy is that it falls under the archetype of academic nerd. Though very competent, they still get bullied by dummer, jockier counterparts. (Re: https://thepowermoves.com/high-warmth-high-competence/)

Be more assertive. When someone crosses a boundary of mine, my approach would be to confront them (typically later, after the slight) with: “Hey I didn’t like how you treated me that time by doing X.” Though this approach sometimes works for me, it is a slow reaction, heavy-handed, and not smooth. I’d prefer to quickly communicate in the moment that I didn’t like something (Lucio’s good example of socially savvy). Is there a system or book to learn this?

Switch from warm to cold. In some situations, it seems completely appropriate to react coldly. However, I fear that I’m going to lose my likability if I start becoming cold and hard to deal with.

My question to you all is:

As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled? Or how can I maintain my likability while still being assertive in socially savvy way?

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#2 · December 30, 2020, 11:39 am

Quote from John Freeman on December 30, 2020, 11:39 am
Hello Ty0,
Here is a first answer I might complete later. As often, there is the surface problem and the deeper problem. What you experience is a manifestation of a deeper problem I think. For instance:
As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled?
My answer: you don't have to "give the impression" (appearance trap). You become someone who's not easily manipulated and controlled.
Or how can I maintain my likability while still being assertive in socially savvy way?
It's the high-dominance, high-warmth that Lucio talks about. It's achievable.
Ok, so what are the deeper issues that I believe are manifesting like that:
Self-esteem: from self-esteem comes almost everything -> healthy and strong boundaries, self-respect, self-care, etc.
Power dynamics knowledge
Having a different attitude at work than in your personal life. But that comes from 2.
Removing submissive signals and adding dominant signals
Refuse to be a target: it's a mindset
Focus on becoming assertive (see PU)
About 3, at work you are assuming a role. And with this role comes certain expectations, duties and rights. If your behavior is not fitting (submissive instead of dominant/assertive) you will lose some respect.
About 4, I know it sucks but I'm afraid that's how it is. Remember that we are animals. Have you noticed how monkeys respect the most submissive individuals and submit to him/her? No? Me neither. That's the unfortunate truth. You are an animal, your coworkers are as well. We behave socially like monkeys for most of the things. Once you accept this, it becomes easier. There's an invisible pyramid and you have to be high enough in people's mind so they don't shit on you.
Here is Lucio's article about being a high-quality woman, that could help.
So I would recommend you to do Power University. You will learn from it and there are specific lessons for women as there are sex-specificities.
I hope this helps. Once you'll be done with PU, you'll reap the rewards.

Hello Ty0,

Here is a first answer I might complete later. As often, there is the surface problem and the deeper problem. What you experience is a manifestation of a deeper problem I think. For instance:

As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled?

My answer: you don't have to "give the impression" (appearance trap). You become someone who's not easily manipulated and controlled.

Or how can I maintain my likability while still being assertive in socially savvy way?

It's the high-dominance, high-warmth that Lucio talks about. It's achievable.

Ok, so what are the deeper issues that I believe are manifesting like that:

Self-esteem: from self-esteem comes almost everything -> healthy and strong boundaries, self-respect, self-care, etc.
Power dynamics knowledge
Having a different attitude at work than in your personal life. But that comes from 2.
Removing submissive signals and adding dominant signals
Refuse to be a target: it's a mindset
Focus on becoming assertive (see PU)

About 3, at work you are assuming a role. And with this role comes certain expectations, duties and rights. If your behavior is not fitting (submissive instead of dominant/assertive) you will lose some respect.

About 4, I know it sucks but I'm afraid that's how it is. Remember that we are animals. Have you noticed how monkeys respect the most submissive individuals and submit to him/her? No? Me neither. That's the unfortunate truth. You are an animal, your coworkers are as well. We behave socially like monkeys for most of the things. Once you accept this, it becomes easier. There's an invisible pyramid and you have to be high enough in people's mind so they don't shit on you.

Here is Lucio's article about being a high-quality woman, that could help.

So I would recommend you to do Power University. You will learn from it and there are specific lessons for women as there are sex-specificities.

I hope this helps. Once you'll be done with PU, you'll reap the rewards.

Lucio Buffalmano and ty0 have reacted to this post.

#3 · December 30, 2020, 11:54 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 30, 2020, 11:54 am
Hello ty,
A few notes on this:
The dating advantages of exploitability
Being bubbly, friendly, and warm, even (and sometimes especially) to the point of being naive is attractive, so that gives you points in the dating / sexual arena (something that can provide advantages even outside the dating and sexual arena).
Because of those advantages, it's not necessarily something I'd want, or that I'd recommend to stamp out / remove in all areas of socialization and interpersonal relationships.
So I'd approach it as something more like "learn to behave differently in an environment that requires different behaviors" -for example, at work-.
Environmental switch
So instead of thinking of changing everything, everywhere, think about adopting different approaches, demeanour, and mindsets, as you step into different environments.
At work, your mindset would change into "I'm a professional woman, doing my job. I may smile, laugh, or don't understand something sometimes, but I always deserve to be treated with professional decorum".
TY: Switch from warm to cold. In some situations, it seems completely appropriate to react coldly. However, I fear that I’m going to lose my likability if I start becoming cold and hard to deal with.
Yeah, this is a good one.
The good thing about it is that you have no reason to react coldly as long as people treat you fairly.
So as long as you are with good, value-adding people, which are the people you want in your life, you have no reason to cold.
You only turn cold when you need to draw your boundaries.
So, yes, it's all about learning to use those strategies and techniques to be tactfully assertive and drawing one's boundaries (they're all over this website).
In your case, it sounds like you should first start with the mindsets, though.
I think that a good mindset to get you started is to blame the person who's one-upping you / controlling you.
It's a bit of a psychopathic mindset actually, but in the right doses, at the right times, it can be very empowering.
How does it work?
Instead of thinking "look how cold I behaved", you think "look how cold that person made me behave".
TY: Be more competent. Think master a skill, do more research, and attain more knowledge. My problem with this strategy is that it falls under the archetype of academic nerd. Though very competent, they still get bullied by dummer, jockier counterparts.
That also depends on what you are competent about.
Competence might also be about fighting competence, or gun-slinging competence, and that's not nerdy.
But most of all, it's about you carry yourself, about the confidence that the competence gives you.
Christine Lagarde is competent on the knowledge/academic side of things, and she commands respect (albeit it's fair to note she's got the advantage of age):
Feel free to share so practical examples of situations in which you felt someone tried to control, manipulate, or one-up you and that you felt powerless.

Hello ty,

A few notes on this:

The dating advantages of exploitability

Being bubbly, friendly, and warm, even (and sometimes especially) to the point of being naive is attractive, so that gives you points in the dating / sexual arena (something that can provide advantages even outside the dating and sexual arena).

Because of those advantages, it's not necessarily something I'd want, or that I'd recommend to stamp out / remove in all areas of socialization and interpersonal relationships.

So I'd approach it as something more like "learn to behave differently in an environment that requires different behaviors" -for example, at work-.

Environmental switch

So instead of thinking of changing everything, everywhere, think about adopting different approaches, demeanour, and mindsets, as you step into different environments.

At work, your mindset would change into "I'm a professional woman, doing my job. I may smile, laugh, or don't understand something sometimes, but I always deserve to be treated with professional decorum".

TY: Switch from warm to cold. In some situations, it seems completely appropriate to react coldly. However, I fear that I’m going to lose my likability if I start becoming cold and hard to deal with.

Yeah, this is a good one.

The good thing about it is that you have no reason to react coldly as long as people treat you fairly.

So as long as you are with good, value-adding people, which are the people you want in your life, you have no reason to cold.

You only turn cold when you need to draw your boundaries.

So, yes, it's all about learning to use those strategies and techniques to be tactfully assertive and drawing one's boundaries (they're all over this website).

In your case, it sounds like you should first start with the mindsets, though.

I think that a good mindset to get you started is to blame the person who's one-upping you / controlling you.
It's a bit of a psychopathic mindset actually, but in the right doses, at the right times, it can be very empowering.

How does it work?

Instead of thinking "look how cold I behaved", you think "look how cold that person made me behave".

TY: Be more competent. Think master a skill, do more research, and attain more knowledge. My problem with this strategy is that it falls under the archetype of academic nerd. Though very competent, they still get bullied by dummer, jockier counterparts.

That also depends on what you are competent about.

Competence might also be about fighting competence, or gun-slinging competence, and that's not nerdy.

But most of all, it's about you carry yourself, about the confidence that the competence gives you.

Christine Lagarde is competent on the knowledge/academic side of things, and she commands respect (albeit it's fair to note she's got the advantage of age):

Feel free to share so practical examples of situations in which you felt someone tried to control, manipulate, or one-up you and that you felt powerless.

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#4 · December 30, 2020, 12:56 pm

I think that a good mindset to get you started is to blame the person who's one-upping you / controlling you.
It's a bit of a psychopathic mindset actually, but in the right doses, at the right times, it can be very empowering.
How does it work?
Instead of thinking "look how cold I behaved", you think "look how cold that person made me behave".

I don't understand. What is the benefit?

I agree with Lucio, you have to start with specific problems to understand the underlying issues.

#5 · December 30, 2020, 1:59 pm

I don't understand. What is the benefit? (of blaming the controller / manipulator)

Some people can feel bad, or guilty, for enforcing fair boundaries as they feel they are being "too rude / aggressive" (even when they're just being fair to most neutral observers).
This is the "too nice" syndrome. When "too nice folks" blame the boundary crosser for being rude, that can help them get rid of the feeling of guilt, and empower them to act more assertively.

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#6 · December 31, 2020, 7:07 am

Quote from ty0 on December 31, 2020, 7:07 am
Thank you both John and Lucio. Damn, these are all useful points. I agree that the best place to start is mindset. Sharing a real life example below.
Lucio: Some people can feel bad, or guilty, for enforcing fair boundaries as they feel they are being "too rude / aggressive" (even when they're just being fair to most neutral observers).
This is a really good insight. To add some nuance, it’s not so much that I feel bad/guilty for enforcing fair boundaries. I’m just scared of the consequences if I do. A limiting belief of mine: “When I don’t comply, then they will stop liking me AND bad things will happen.”
Say I assert myself at work by pushing back on a request from my boss, like “I won’t do task X because of Y.” My boss would become aggressive and threaten, “if this happens again, we need to discuss repercussions.” Repercussions implies layoff. Given the consequence and as soon as I sense the angry tone, I back down and comply.
I’m sure this is an empty threat because I know the requested task is not business critical. But the heart of the issue is when someone expresses anger towards me, I don’t feel guilty/bad as I do feel fearful. The primal fear is that this person is going to hurt me if I don’t comply. And by hurt, it’s not about being physically harmed. They could start taking away resources from me or become difficult to collaborate with. More of a survival, lay low mindset.
Maybe it’s just worth the gamble with the potential loss on my end and challenge them, so some non-mindset solutions would be:
Learn how to negotiate better
Hold my ground and just continue to assert my stance
Match their anger with my anger, but in this case, I worry they’re just going to double down the aggression/threats (I did read Aggression. Good to know).
In terms of mindset, I do use this one often!
Lucio: I think that a good mindset to get you started is to blame the person who's one-upping you / controlling you.
It's more of an internal cushion that I apply to avoid taking things personally and more fairly distributing blame. However, I have difficulty expressing this blame in the moment. This creates bottled resentment towards the other party -- not ideal.
As an aside, I do think the externalize / deflecting blame can have a negative longterm effect if applied in every situation. Sometimes the person criticizing you has a valid point, and it's worth taking it as an opportunity to self-improve.

Thank you both John and Lucio. Damn, these are all useful points. I agree that the best place to start is mindset. Sharing a real life example below.

Lucio: Some people can feel bad, or guilty, for enforcing fair boundaries as they feel they are being "too rude / aggressive" (even when they're just being fair to most neutral observers).

This is a really good insight. To add some nuance, it’s not so much that I feel bad/guilty for enforcing fair boundaries. I’m just scared of the consequences if I do. A limiting belief of mine: “When I don’t comply, then they will stop liking me AND bad things will happen.”

Say I assert myself at work by pushing back on a request from my boss, like “I won’t do task X because of Y.” My boss would become aggressive and threaten, “if this happens again, we need to discuss repercussions.” Repercussions implies layoff. Given the consequence and as soon as I sense the angry tone, I back down and comply.

I’m sure this is an empty threat because I know the requested task is not business critical. But the heart of the issue is when someone expresses anger towards me, I don’t feel guilty/bad as I do feel fearful. The primal fear is that this person is going to hurt me if I don’t comply. And by hurt, it’s not about being physically harmed. They could start taking away resources from me or become difficult to collaborate with. More of a survival, lay low mindset.

Maybe it’s just worth the gamble with the potential loss on my end and challenge them, so some non-mindset solutions would be:

Learn how to negotiate better
Hold my ground and just continue to assert my stance
Match their anger with my anger, but in this case, I worry they’re just going to double down the aggression/threats (I did read Aggression. Good to know).

In terms of mindset, I do use this one often!

Lucio: I think that a good mindset to get you started is to blame the person who's one-upping you / controlling you.

It's more of an internal cushion that I apply to avoid taking things personally and more fairly distributing blame. However, I have difficulty expressing this blame in the moment. This creates bottled resentment towards the other party -- not ideal.

As an aside, I do think the externalize / deflecting blame can have a negative longterm effect if applied in every situation. Sometimes the person criticizing you has a valid point, and it's worth taking it as an opportunity to self-improve.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#7 · December 31, 2020, 11:03 pm

ty: Match their anger with my anger, but in this case, I worry they’re just going to double down the aggression/threats (I did read Aggression. Good to know).

Yeah, you guessed it, not idea with a boss.
There are time and places to match the anger, but more often than not, you're better served with "calm and firm".

ty: Say I assert myself at work by pushing back on a request from my boss, like “I won’t do task X because of Y.” My boss would become aggressive and threaten, “if this happens again, we need to discuss repercussions.” Repercussions implies layoff. Given the consequence and as soon as I sense the angry tone, I back down and comply.

If this is a real-life situation, then this is a very manipulative boss.

Know that it's normal to react the way you did, the vast majority of people would do the same.
But that it's normal doesn't necessarily make it the best option, of course.

The first step would be to protect against the downside risks, such as knowing you can find another job, or you got some savings.
Then, once you've covered the major risks, it comes the good and empowering part: confronting the terrible boss.

Edit: feel free to open a new thread for the specific situation of the forceful boss "putting the screws" on you.

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#8 · January 5, 2021, 4:22 am

Thank you Lucio! This already felt empowering to read! :D With the new year, I am reflecting on putting your advice to practice.

#9 · January 6, 2021, 12:43 pm

Rock on, ty, 2021 is yours for the taking :)

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#10 · January 9, 2021, 2:40 pm

My question to you all is:
As a woman who is naturally warm/friendly, how can I give people the impression that I am not easily manipulated or controlled? Or how can I maintain my likability while still being assertive in socially savvy way?

I'm going to give an untraditional answer that has nothing to do with the mechanics of power dynamics, yet encompasses all of it. Embodiment meditation has been a savior for me in terms of owning my power as a person and a woman. People who feel powerless often dissociate from their lower bodies and lower chakras. Embodying the space within your body and connecting with the lower chakras will help you gain self-possession and confidence. This will project power into the outer world. The Realization Process CD was where I learned it, and you can try the 5-minute version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R1ANkCfLyA&t=4s&ab_channel=RomaHammel.

Doing Yoga on a regular basis also helps to open and reconnect with the lower chakras, which will help you gain a sense of safety and stability in your body and in the world. This does wonders for confidence as well.

Would recommend these two somatic approaches to gaining personal power!

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