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Becoming a great conversationalist: book/course recommendation?
Hello Lucio,
do you have any recommendation on how to become a great conversationalist?
In the past, I stumbled upon girlschase material "Spellbinding" and it was useful. I am currently reading your post on group conversation. I think it's my weakest spot as I am guilty of doing the "me, me, me" (especially when I'm drunk ;) ).
Thanks!
Hey John,
I've never found any resource that made me think "wow, this is a great material on conversing well".
Personally I found that some of the "advanced" courses can be misleading when they forget to mention the basics.
For example, the common advice on "going deeper" should be always prefaced by the fact that you don't go deeper too soon. First, you must find a reason to go deep, something that interests you about them, or it seems weird that you start asking an almost random person about their life.
And the other common advice of "shining the spotlight on them" should be prefaced by the basic tenet that conversation is also back and forth. And as you shine the light on them and go deep, with most people you also need to share and relate, or they feel like you're violating them and they might not trust you any more.
Why not?
Because personal information empowers the receiver, that's why the most power-conscious folks will not like people who "go deep" on them without sharing. And those are also the people that have the most to offer.
Hi John!
Have you checked out Lucio's best books on communication skills booklist yet?
How about his best books on social skills booklist?
The book that is ranked as the best book for both communication and social skills are People Skills by Robert Bolton.
As far as courses, I've gone through my fair share of Udemy courses and LinkedIn learning courses, but most just couldn't compare to Power University.
Udemy courses are all video formats which made it hard to focus on (and trust) some of the course material when I could see the instructor making social power mistakes right in front of me.
I have over seven LinkedInLearning certificates from courses that I've taken in communication and conversation such as "Communication Foundations", "Improving Your Listening Skills", "Interpersonal Communication", and so on.
They were pretty good but felt incomplete. I'll be taking a crack at Lucio's communication and social skills booklists very soon.
Yeah, +1 to Ali's message and that's exactly the list I was thinking about before replying, but then forgot to mention.
Possibly, the best book on basic conversation skills that I have read and that I'd recommend is "The Social Skills Guidebook".
Just as a reminder: it's tailored on the basics. But it's almost always a good idea to start from solid foundations.
Thanks for the great advice, guys!
Once I'm done with PU at the end of the month after reviewing it I'm going to read all the books in the "best social skills list". I own already 4 of them (including "social skills guidebook") and have read part I of "People skills" about listening. It already increased by about 20% how people like me. Seriously.
So I know this list is da bomb. One step at a time. :)
Just adding a quick example from a few days ago.
This example highlights that good, "more advanced" advice that help you bond and connect in certain contexts becomes poor advice in other contexts.
The context was a bunch of guys sitting at a bar's table, drinking and shooting the breeze with jokes, girls' talk, funny stories, and generally light topic.
Then a guy turns to me and said:
Guy: So, what are you passion? (he seeks to go deeper)
Me: My passion? (replying to that was going to be a mistake as I'd have gone down the wrong road: you should not follow bad social leads)
Guy: Yeah, do you have passions, like playing the guitar...
Guy 2: Oh man, you play the guitar?
And then the conversation turned to a quick new thread on guitar playing, making music, and his stories on "busking".
Guy 2 helped keep the atmosphere congruent, and he saved Guy 1 who was coming across as socially awkward.
Guy 1 was coming awkward 3 reasons:
- He was turning a group conversation into a 1:1, personal conversation (you can do that, but you should take speak somewhat lower and turn towards that person, so everyone knows you're taking a break from group talk, and start a "side conversation")
- He did it out of the blue: the topic was totally different, so it felt odd (it's usually better to connect threads. Or to wait for a conversation lull before introducing a new one)
- He was turning a light atmosphere into deeper, 1:1 conversation. But that wasn't the place and time for deeper talk on "life passions"
Finally, he was also new in the group.
And when you're new, you might be better off observing and building on other people's topics (plus building them up), since everyone will be thinking "is this guy a good fit for us?".
