Former Community – We Moved
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Bel's thoughts
Things I need to still eliminate from my communication:
- brainstorming with clients (I just said "I'm brainstorming not suggesting" on a call!); I think PU says it's better to pause, take time, and only then answer
- repeating things; better to say things just once
- saluting people one by one at the end of videocalls; feels stilted, better to say a single goodbye to all
Hey Bel, very quick post just in case I forget: we had a more professional type of call together, and I think you were really good.
Of course, that can be further motivation to improve even more, but still, it's better to have a fair self-assessment.
Good idea on avoiding the word "brainstorming" though, maybe you can consider changing that with "not yet recommending anything, but presenting you with various options and possible solutions".
The difference is that brainstorming implies a relationship of equal, while the latter is you who is giving (and leading).
Thank you Lucio.
I was going to ask for feedback to you on that (and more in general on my professional behavior), but you preceded me!
Quote from Bel on September 9, 2022, 3:58 pmYes please John, I'll gladly look at the book.
It's incredible the amount of mistakes I was making.Deleted as per new mindset: it's incredible how much more effective avoiding this will be!
Nice change of mindset on the spot! That's exactly how it's the most effective: changing thoughts right as they come.
Core mindset is always (for me) being the learner. You base your self-esteem on your willingness to learn. Therefore you grow your self-esteem as every time you focus on learning you did great! Mistakes? Awesome, I get to learn! Fuck-ups? Oh yeah, give me more of these so I get to learn more! Rejections? Come on baby, I get to learn!
It's about the long term. So the learner mindset fixes many things. The learner is anti-fragile.
The book: Stop Self-Sabotage by Judy Ho. It's a bomb!
Thank you John, I’m going to read it.
Thank you for your comments on my anger as well.
It’s true. I now understand I have been reacting in a manner harsher than warranted based on the situation with more than one person or client, and ghosted or told many people off while I could have implemented less harsher measures.
Part of the reason for my past behavior is that I did not know the techniques and mindsets I learned from PU; but another part of it is that I was “displacing” my anger and “feeling of wanting revenge” on new people who had the same or similar behavior to some other people who hurt me much in the past.
In fact, after reflecting on your comment, I’m starting to see more solutions to keep relationships open even with people who “wrong” me.
Imposing less harsher consequences on people who behave badly can keep open the possibility for future win-win
One example: here I ghosted the client; but a better behavior on my side - and one that I’m going to implement from now on - would have been to keep responding, while clarifying both that I couldn’t assist her in the specific case, and that I was still open to assisting her for future cases.
This would have been sufficient to subcommunicate that I hadn’t appreciated how she treated me, and imposing a consequence, while keeping open the possibility of a change of behavior and of future business from her.
A client is hard to come by, so ghosting at first disrespect is probably not the best behavior (a clear overreaction).
Not inferring malice everywhere leads to better-calibrated reactions to disrespect and power moves
The reason is: if I assume malice, I will think the person power-moving is likely to try again.
If I on the other hand assume carelessness, I will be open to the possibility that the other may change behavior if the power move is checked.
Since a portion of situations are going to fall under each category, adopting the “assuming carelessness” mode maximizes the potential advantages by keeping relationships open and increasing the possibility of future win-win.
Like Lucio says in the blog about tit-for-tat with a possibility of renewed cooperation being the best strategy; and as he suggested to me from the start with my first challenge.
Potential exception: red-level power moves.
Inferring similar character from similar power moves is not ideal
I used to think that as soon as someone manipulated me in a way identical or similar to a really bad person from my past, the new person was to be flagged as equally bad.
I understand now one single power move, even bad in itself, is not necessarily indicative of any such similarity. It could be the only thing a person does (but staying alert is not bad in any case).
Processing and releasing hurt and anger from the past leads to better calibrated reactions to power moves
Lucio said: react to the power move level, not to the hurt. Meaning that if one reduces accumulated past hurt, reactions will be better calibrated (and will also subcommunicate one is not used to being played).
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 7, 2022, 10:50 pmOn the other hand, one can also release internal grudges to people who wronged you with a cold smile and distant kindness -cold and distant being the key- while also relentlessly pushing for what you want.
That can accomplish both:
- High mental power of being emotionally unaffected
- High social power of not being naive or weak anymore, putting yourself first, and going for what you want
The only difference is that you cushion #2 with the bare minimum of civility, but the message of power is still there.
And while anger can sub-communicate to the asshole that he still got an emotional hold on you, the cold and distant kindness denies that emotional leverage.
The distant kindness and fake smile instead can say "I'd kill you, but coldly. You're not under my skin, and until we meet in civil society, have no problem playing the game".
A bit like that Mad Men video.
Finally, the distant kindness can also increase the odds of getting what you want.
I have been rereading this post on cold smile and distant kindness + pushing for what I want and now understand you pointed right to the next step in my development, in an “accelerated learning” way.
I understand “open revenge” (including anger or slights) is costly in the sense that it imposes costs on the person doing the revenge (even though these people slighted me). Instead the solution you suggest is more ideal, and it doesn’t imply I have to concede on anything or go along with what they want.
Thank you so much Lucio.
Thank you for the note, Bel!
Also very helpful to understand what may be topics to address and stress in PU -in this case: how to behave with former power movers after one recognizes, dislikes, and considers "enemies" following a "power awakening" or personal empowerment-.
Today a colleague and former co-worker (and, I thought, friend) of mine called me.
He was a guy who used to always tell me he had given my number left and right to people looking for a lawyer; but, none of the people he gave my number to ever called me. So much that I had started thinking he was playing with me.
He was one of the guys I had blocked when I first got here, and then only recently had unblocked (BTW: current number of blocked people in my phone: zero!).
Today I talked with him. I didn't really want to, but I decided to apply the principle of keeping people in one's life as much as possible that I learned here on TPM.
And he told me, as other times, he wanted to give my number to a person.
But, the person he gave my number to immediately called me this time. And then I followed up by keeping my colleague in the loop.
I don't think any work will come out of it this time, but still... maybe I'm mistaken, but I felt my colleague regained some respect for me while talking with me.
I don't know exactly what I did or said that made the difference, apart from the 1,000 precious different things and behaviors I learned here on TPM.
Recently I find myself taking more responsibility for what I did and what happened to me.
I was naive, and I compensated by adopting behaviors that kept people at a distance.
But that was before finding The Power Moves.
Rock on, Bel, nice!
Also good to see that this guy, at least sometimes, was indeed passing your number -and it wasn't all a game of "imaginary generosity"-.
I need to start actively marketing my law practice.
My pain period is starting to end, and I must focus on all the things I never did so far.
Starting to populate my website, networking, having the courage to grow.
I mostly used to be as invisible as possible, though I was unaware I was doing that.
That's starting to end and be over now. I must grow and soar.
