Former Community – We Moved
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Bel's thoughts
You made a strange face
Was with my partner and saying goodbye to other people after a dance lesson my partner took.
I started getting somewhat annoyed at them continuing to talk, and I started wanting to really leave.
Then one of these people said something I frequently used to hear:
Dance instructor: (pointing at me) You made a strange face.
Me: No, I was concentrating on my partner. (smile)
Dance instructor: That's an awesome answer! You can't really say anything more after that. In fact I'll use it myself!
Male friend: You didn't let him finish: he was concentrating on his partner and...
Me: (interrupting) X don't go on, otherwise I'll be compelled to respond. (smile)
Male friend: You're right, I need to talk to my lawyer first. (laugh)
Her answer to me proved she was deliberately trying to put me in difficulty in front of everyone.
And of course when I shook her hand at the end she put her other hand on mine.
I forgot to write down a portion of the conversation here above, an important one. Here’s what happened in full:
Dance instructor: (talking to the group, then suddenly pointing at me) You made a strange face!
Me: Sorry, I wasn’t listening to you. I was concentrating on my partner. (smile)
Dance instructor: That's an awesome answer! You can't really say anything more after that. In fact I'll use it myself!
Male friend: You didn't let him finish: he was concentrating on his partner and...
Me: (interrupting) X don't go on, otherwise I'll be compelled to respond. (smile)
Male friend: You're right, I need to talk to my lawyer first. (laugh)
Now it makes sense
Not sure I correctly understood the situation on this, Bel.
However, a possible option:
Dance instructor: (talking to the group, then suddenly pointing at me) You made a strange face!
Me: Cool (smile)
Your answer brings no closure, which means:
Pressure on him to make sense of the situation somehow, add some details or say something to bring some closure and not to make it weird.
He'll have to talk more, invest more... And you're the cool guy who doesn't crack under pressure.
Edit:
Similar versions: "ok"; "(nods and smiles, without saying anything)"
Thanks Lucio,
it’s an awesome way to handle it and I’ll definitely adopt it from now on.
Expanding on the situation:
it’s been very frequent in my life that, while someone talks in a group, I stay silent but start maybe wanting to go or extract myself.
Sometimes the person speaking looks at me and puts me on the spot by saying things like:
You don’t look convinced!
or
Why are you looking at me that way?
or
He is making a weird face! What is it?
I also experienced this while (to my knowledge) not making any particular expression, so it may be possible it is also an insecurity of the speaker.
In the past I usually went defensive:
Me: No, I didn’t make any face.
So this situation was the same.
The instructor was speaking to the group, she probably picked up on me becoming bored and tried to put me in difficulty.
Instructor: He made a strange face, he isn’t convinced. (Subcommunication: he’s not polite because he wants to leave)
Since I was looking at my wife and thinking “let’s go”, the idea that came to my mind on the spot was to answer by denying the frame and basically saying: “you got the wrong idea, I was just admiring my wife”:
Me: Sorry wasn’t listening, just admiring my wife. (subcommunication: I wasn't even thinking about you here)
I am realizing that some potential clients with whom I interacted for a while in the past, which never materialized and ultimately went elsewhere, were likely scared off by my insecurities.
At the time I couldn't see it, as I was not even aware of these insecurities.
Now that I see them I can realize what happened. I see them in real time now, working to get rid of them.
New realization: a normal client probably prefers a secure lawyer who has a normal fee, rather than an insecure lawyer who has a low fee.
My low fees in certain areas were a reflection of my inner insecurity.
I don't know if this growth process is normal for everyone, or is only due to my past being surrounded by takers. However it doesn't matter. I need to start where I'm at.
Further elaborating on this: the reality is that there can be 1,000 reasons why something does not go through.
All one can do is learn and grow, but people sometimes choose to go elsewhere for their own reasons which have nothing to do with oneself.
In groups: joking with the lowest status guy about another person present, or comparing one person unfavorably to the lowest status person
Since people in groups tend to read reciprocal status mostly on the basis of who is near the top and who is near the bottom, could it be possible to influence relative status by indirectly referring to or interacting with the lowest status person?
Example:
- person A plays an opening gambit power move on person B (eg a handshake move);
- person B successfully checks power move and throws person A under the bus;
- person A at this moment is lowest status in the group;
- person B, holding a grudge against person C for prior reasons, then “jokes” with person A (who is the lowest status at the moment) about person C (in a statement-kind of way, that does not seek support); or maybe makes a comment about person C comparing him unfavorably to person A, eg by saying “C, even person A could …”.
Assuming person C is unable to check the “joke”or comment (which of course is to be seen), might this have the effect of momentarily throwing person C at the bottom of the status of the whole group, ie lower than the lowest status guy (which was person A, the unsuccessful red-level power mover)?
Or, seen from the other side: are power moves that exploit a similar principle (of comparing one unfavorably to the lowest or to a lower status guy) always red-level power moves, to be defended against at all costs?
One apparently similar example from classical mobbing behavior at work: making a lower-level employee (publicly) review the work of a higher-level employee.
This (relativity principle) also explains why people almost always react very badly to losing to a very lower status person: their own status is called into question and they suddenly feel they are freefalling to the bottom of the group (see Carlsen vs. Niemann).
Here’s something I picked up from Lucio:
Equalizing yellow level judge frames with friends and clients
When a friend or client says “it’s a pleasure”, or “I’m happy about the result”, depending on the situation one could avoid losing power and being judged by using equalizing, and taking the same stance:
Yeah, also for me.
Yeah, same here, congrats!
This also vibes with the other person, and thus also frame-expands on the positive.
Adopting yellow level judge frames (it’s a pleasure) to counter yellow level moves
Example:
Thank you for the usual collaboration Bel.
Probably sent without intending to power move, but to me still subcommunicating “you’re at our command”.
Equalizing answer:
It’s a pleasure X.
Subcommunication being: our collaboration was a joint decision (because if it wasn’t my pleasure, I wouldn’t be here).
Maintaining the respect of clients who hint at bigger future work in exchange for a small favor now
Here’s a thing that happened to me with frequency, and now I’m starting to get what is the good answer:
Client: I’ll involve you on this future big project, but I wanted to ask you a little opinion on something else today.
Me: X, I’ll gladly make you the favor of giving you my opinion independently of that big project. What is it?
Just by saying these additional words, I can probably:
- maintain the respect of the client
- frame the act of going along with the client’s request as my personal choice, and not the result of being manipulated
- avoid being “imaginary social scalped and future faked”
- subcommunicate I’m not chasing work
- lightly shame the client by suggesting I know the big thing is likely a ruse;
and, most importantly,
- probably really be involved in the big project later!
Which would otherwise never happen if one just goes along with the ruse.
Rejecting the “scarcity frame” manipulation while still keeping buy-in open
Tentative idea:
Hotel host: Sorry but we are receiving many requests and that is the last room, can you give us your answer now?
Me: I’d like to, but I need more time to decide. Please could you delay this a bit for me and tomorrow I’ll give you the answer?
On the other hand, when I immediately agreed to book after hearing the “scarcity ruse”, I sensed and later witnessed the respect of the hotel host go significantly down.
