Bel's thoughts
Thank you Anon for your excellent post.
Trying to change the flow seems the best way to go. Followed by laughter, going meta and then getting up and leaving with a “Don’t waste my time” subtext.
I realize one of my frequent and serious mistakes was that I used to thank people for remedying broken promises or non-honored commitments.
Thanking people after they said “I’m sorry I didn’t do what I promised, I’ll do it now” (to which I would say “thanks a lot”) sub-communicated not believing I deserved to be treated with respect, so much that I was “grateful” that they graciously decided to remedy their bad action.
These thanks removed my agency, and probably were one of the reasons others in my life used to play games and power moves.
I’m going to remove the thanks in cases like these from now on, and instead think and subcommunicate something like “It’s about time”!
Great point.
Also, in person, it's possible to say "thank you" with words but with the tonality and body language of disdain.
Then it's OK.
Or, another alternative:
Thank you for finally doing it
Or:
Thank you. Next time please let's do it within the timelines ("let's" is power protecting and more collaborative)
Or:
Good, I don't have time for chasing what's due. Please next time ensure a timely delivery / payment. Thank you
Thank you Lucio, these are not only golden, but also much better (or, more precisely, they subcommunicate more displeasure) than staying silent (which is what I also used to do).
They subcommunicate displeasure by packaging it inside a “perfunctory thank you”.
Simply stellar, message arrives loud and clear. Communication superpowers! No DESOE would have been needed if I had done one of these with that person in my recent thread.
I think this concept, if not present, could be in PU.
A phrase we use in project land a lot is: next time let's tighten up
And respect the time line
And be more purposeful
Not sure how well this would read in your industry
Thank you Transitioned, these are great!
I think they can be adapted to my work, and they also make me see there are several levels of voicing displeasure with delays.
Quote from Bel on June 20, 2022, 11:35 amThank you Lucio, these are not only golden, but also much better (or, more precisely, they subcommunicate more displeasure) than staying silent (which is what I also used to do).
They subcommunicate displeasure by packaging it inside a “perfunctory thank you”.
Simply stellar, message arrives loud and clear. Communication superpowers! No DESOE would have been needed if I had done one of these with that person in my recent thread.
I think this concept, if not present, could be in PU.
Thank you for the note Bel, it's very helpful.
I made a note if I can find the right place for this in PU (and whenever you or anyone else has an idea for where it might go, happy to read).
The more I re-encouter that DESOE thing, the more it feels like it's a sub-par choice for most situations (and that I haven't made it clear enough in PU).
It feels stilted and fake, so I added a further note in the assertiveness lesson now that DESOE should be contained to a few specific cases, and never be your go-to approach.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 20, 2022, 7:28 am
Another option was to join the bartender and "gang up" on the turkey:
Her(getting that it's a one-up): I'm not going to say anything
You: thank you. He always does this competitive thingIf you really wanted to go down on it hard, then possible to add "maybe I should change friends".
Lucio, that’s great!
In fact after reading several of your posts I picked up on this answer you suggest for several moves:
”It feels you are trying to get competitive/enter in competition with me”.
The beauty of this statement is that it frames the other person (who just power-moved) as lower power, and trying to catch up.
It subcommunicates both that one understands what’s going on, and that one will shame the power mover by pointing out his lower power if he should continue.
It’s so great that in fact I thought yesterday about making it a stock answer for many situations.
One example that happened to me where I could have used it (but I feel it can be used for many situations):
Power-mover: (in front of others) Hey, how’s it going little lawyer?
Me: Hey, if you address me like that it feels like you’re trying to enter in competition. I’d rather you call me just Bel.
If you agree and if I am reading it correctly here, maybe this could also be in PU if not yet present
Golden stuff, Bel!
I made its own thread for it because it deserves it -and I agree, it could be a new technique-.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 20, 2022, 12:02 pmQuote from Bel on June 20, 2022, 11:35 amThey subcommunicate displeasure by packaging it inside a “perfunctory thank you”.
I made a note if I can find the right place for this in PU (and whenever you or anyone else has an idea for where it might go, happy to read).
My primal thoughts on this, point to the lesson on the "I'm busy" power move, as I feel delay games happen primarily in that context; also, I feel the statements you suggested here maybe could, in some way, complement the answers already there on how to beat that move.
OFF TOPIC
Do you think it could be useful to talk more about "dark/aggressive power moves", which have no other function but to humiliate/aggress/demean/disempower? I can think of plenty from my former boss's behavior, and many others I'm picking up in real life now. Apart from being able to recognize them, there could also be use cases for them (such as when dealing with really bad people or red level power moves, where one could have no other choice but to go all in on the attack).
OFF TOPIC