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Bel's thoughts

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Thanks Lucio!

And I’m starting to realize this new approach works better even if my intention was just to get these people angry and subcommunicate my indifference.

Comparing the new approach

Other: Bel I would have liked to wish you a happy birthday in person but you don’t answer!! I would also have liked to celebrate with you this date so important  !! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Do know that I love you !! Many many wishes !!  😘😘

Me: Hey it’s good to hear from you! Don’t be sad, we’ll for sure have other occasions to celebrate in the future. But only if you don’t keep being sad! 🙂 Thanks for your message, hope everything is good!

With my former approach

Other: Bel I would have liked to wish you a happy birthday in person but you don’t answer!! I would also have liked to celebrate with you this date so important  !! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Do know that I love you !! Many many wishes !!  😘😘

Me: Thanks a lot, talk soon

The latter (old approach) subcommunicates I am angry.

The first (new approach) subcommunicates I just don’t care.

It seems a bit like fading compared to blocking: as you said, fading subcommunicates higher power due to not being affected.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

The worst damage the former sociopathic people that were in my life before my "awakening" did to me, was causing me to be wary of everyone.

I realize I lost many good relationships because I was suffering so much I that used to close myself everytime.

Paradoxically, my current overreactiveness and over-suspiciousness is a step forward.

Quote from Bel on June 27, 2022, 1:00 am

The worst damage the former sociopathic people that were in my life before my "awakening" did to me, was causing me to be wary of everyone.

I realize I lost many good relationships because I was suffering so much I that used to close myself everytime.

Paradoxically, my current overreactiveness and over-suspiciousness is a step forward.

Not to sound like that type of "annoying positive psychologist" who has to put a positive spin on everything, and still... You ant think about this in a more empowering manner.

You're not a lifeless recipient of everything that happens to your environment, you're part of it.
An important part of it, and can shape and change what things mean and will mean, and how they impact you.

Wariness, is up to you.
Mending those relationships might be possible, and up to you.
And your over-reactiveness and over-suspiciousness is indeed a step forward (so thanks to them :), and largely up to you how long that phase is going to last.

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thanks Lucio, working on it.

I realize the fact I used to not respond to acknowledge compliments or effusive thanks from others, was the result of a series of complex factors. It was linked to my unawareness of the social exchange balance, to being surrounded by takers and manipulators, and to my then-lower self-esteem. Part of me didn't really believe I merited the compliments or thanks. It was a mistake, as Lucio explained, and I now suddenly can see and explain why several people got distant after my not responding.

But I can correct it from now on. And as to the past, that's past and done.

Thanks Lucio, this was really invaluable. Your willingness to teaching these things, as well as the common focus of this community to learning them, are golden.

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and Kavalier have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoJohn FreemanKavalier

Hello Bel,

It's a lot about mindset. I think you identified the factors that contributed to it exactly. So it's about healing from your past wounds as well. A few things that helped me:

  • Working out
  • Listening to Tom Bilyeu's motivation quote: this guy has a great mindset
  • Sharing the hurtful experiences here
  • Acknowledging that these are external things and that have nothing to do with you.
  • Meditating

Basically, everything that gets your mind to a new baseline. To the "real you", not the "hurt you" carrying the emotional baggage.

So it's a mix of both:

  • Healing: working out, meditation, therapy, journaling, writing here
  • Mindset: Tom Bilyeu, learner mindset especially.

Also don't be too hard on yourself, in truth it takes years to heal from all of this I think. So if you improve in the next year through daily pr, you will have already 2x your life.

Anything that you do for you undo the harm that has been done to you. You prove to yourself that you are in control of your life. That you can give yourself the life you deserve.

The whole list:

Impact Quotes

Lucio Buffalmano and Bel have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoBel

Thank you John for your kind words and for your help.

Trying to put together how to better enforce boundaries.

I used to think just ignoring, distancing myself, or disrespecting back, was sufficient to communicate the message I did not appreciate what others were doing. I understand I was reading it all wrong. I was insecure of potential escalation.

So now I would go with a different take:

- comment on the inappropriateness of others’ behavior;

- more explicit comment if behavior continues;

- assertiveness.

Examples taken from some of my previous problematic interactions, with new responses:

Example 1

Her: Hi Bel, I thought about calling you yesterday to answer your email but I forgot. I don’t have news for now, let’s update this to next month.

I didn’t answer her message, and her behavior escalated to faking not receiving my emails altogether. Now I would go with this:

Me: Hi Jane, ok with catching up next month. I don’t understand why you need to specify you “forgot” to call me though; is there something I’m missing here?

Example 2

Him: Hey Bel, I read your email with the brief for the work we’re doing together, and I’ll respond later today.

Then I didn’t receive anything for one week, when he then wrote to me saying “sorry for the delay, here’s my feedback”.

Now I would wait the next day, and write:

Me: Hi Jim, I expected to receive your feedback yesterday as you had written to me, but I didn’t receive anything yet. Has something happened to you, do I need to worry?

————-

The idea I’m starting to get is that very small things like these “light” responses can beget a very different outcome in the long run.

I received this email from a client.

Context: I was assisting her with negotiating a contract; my client went on vacation and during her vacation I received a call by the lawyer of the counterpart to ask for an update.

I decided to notify to my client (by email) that I had received this call, to keep my client informed, but did not push for anything nor ask anything to my client.

So one week later I receive this email from my client:

Good morning Bel,

sorry for the delay in answering you, but I have been on vacation

Before then I spoke with John Doe. I’ll check the latest update and then send the draft to you to review it together

Thank you

Lia

In the past I would not have answered, but now I decided to answer with this:

Hi Lia,

I hope the vacation went well, and I remain available to review the draft agreement together.

Kind regards
I tried to “reverse engineer” my thinking here on why I sent this “interim” email.
Two things seem to come to mind:
- I felt that, as much as her email might be a power move under several respects (ie “sorry for the delay”, and “do as I say when I say it”), not answering would have subcommunicated disinterest in the relation with this client;
- also, not answering would have let the power moves stand. My subsequent assistance could have been interpreted as submitting to the client’s frame. By answering “I remain available” I wanted to subcommunicate politely that if I now will assist, it is because I have “decided” to do so.
Do you think my answer makes sense guys?
I am very interested in knowing your perspective on whether I am going in the right direction here, and what I could have done better; or if I am instead missing or misunderstanding something.
Kavalier has reacted to this post.
Kavalier

I wanted to quote the part on unblocking most of the contacts that I had quickly read on mobile as a major step forward, but I was too late for that 🙂

Bel has reacted to this post.
Bel
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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