Former Community – We Moved
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Bel's thoughts
Thank you Lucio.
I agree, in a way.
It's true that, from her perspective, she may have been just "trying to make the best of a bad situation". I have wished for that to be true so far many many times.
But unfortunately, even if she were in good faith, promoting the mindset that the "controlled person" must "meet the controlling person in the middle" amounts to nothing more than enforcing abuse.
I now see a pattern where every behavior on my side which was indicative of "growing in personal independence", including those with which they never had anything to do, was reframed by both of them as "personal disrespect to them". As if they had the right to control my life.
I recently sent her a text where I wrote
Me: Please call me, I need to speak with you.
You know how she replied?
Her: Do tell me.
Definitely not an answer coming from a naive person, as I unfortunately was.
I saw the bigger picture two-three days ago. And now a big big weight has finally lifted from my shoulders. Now I can be free.
Cool, as usual, simply giving an outside perspective, and you know better.
And most of all, awesome that you're conquering this, Bel!
I was 16.
I was alone. No real friends.
My parents had convinced me I was worthless, useless, scum, incapable of having a woman, a friend, a pal.
My mother used to repeat to me every day:
Her: You're so bad that you'll never have a woman or a family! Nobody's going to want you. And you'll have no friends if you continue being this bad.
I was alone, every day, in my room.
At school I didn't talk to anyone.
My adolescence was a living hell.
But - I thought - at least I had my parents. One day, I went to my mother and told her.
I told her:
Me: Mom, I'm so glad I have you. I have no friends, and I probably never will, since I'm incapable, I'm flawed. I'm incapable of living. But I have you, and it's all that counts.
And then I asked her to go out with me:
Me: Mom, I want to see this museum. Will you go with me? We can visit it together.
And she said this to me:
Her: No, I won't come. You should go with your friends.
...
I remember still going out, alone, and going round in my town for what seemed like ages, thinking whether I should suicide or not.
I chose life. I chose improvement. I chose understanding.
Now, many years after that, I finally see the whole truth.
I never thought parents could be this cruel.
But unfortunately, sometimes someone's got to be the son.
Now I know who they are.
Now they are going to, finally, stay alone in the hell they created for themselves.
Thank you for sharing that Bel.
It is really really inspiring to see how you grew out of that and still became the high quality guy we see in the forum today.
Thanks for sharing that Bel.
I had that same mindset till my 18s. Since I started self-improvement a year ago I doubt and wonder every damn day if I ever will become a person able to make others respect him and able to attract a good partner.
I don't want to write a hella long text about me in your journal. I'll get to the point: thanks for sharing a part of your story, seeing someone that accomplished some of the goals I and other people here may have gives lots of hope.
Cheers.
Sorry to hear that -heartbreaking to think there are good good kids having to live that-, thank you for sharing, and so awesome you turned it all around into a success story.
Hello Bel,
Thanks for sharing and congrats to you for your perseverance and having stood up for yourself. It’s in these life-changing (literally) choices that we define ourselves and you sure did.
Thank you guys,
It's heartwarming to read your posts and to have you as friends.
Fortunately, I think these are the last bits of "nostalgic awakening epiphanies" I have left.
I hope this is going to be just a painless past from now on, even though, to free myself, I had to now feel the pain that I was unable to feel at the time.
The funny (or rather just unnerving) thing is, that my parents will never admit what transpired. Talking with them is basically an endless stream of gaslighting (Lucio's article really was enlightening for me to just see what they're doing: comparing the article to my mom's texts was what made me have the final understanding).
In a way, after making my repressed anger surface and trying to extend it, thank God I also was able to see what my surfacing anger was doing to me and my personal relationships.
So I think I'm also approaching at least a bit of forgiveness. As long as I stay not too near them.
My parents did change in external behavior - all due to power dynamics, of course. But at least now they're respecting my wish for distance.
And what I learned from this community and from PU did make an enormous difference in my finally being able to better handle it, bit by bit.
As Mats taught me, imagine what it must be to be like them.
I'm the lucky one, in the end.
At a crowded beach bar counter
I was about to get my drinks and another guy nearby was loudly complaining to the bartender about how the bartender was ignoring him.
This guy was making a really big fuss about it and no doubt alienating the bartender even more.
Although, my feeling was that the bartender was also disrespecting him blatantly.
The bartender came and started preparing my drinks.
Then I turned to the complaining guy and said something like "Hey you're going to get them soon":
Immediately after we went away from the counter, Bella told me:
Bella: Big rule of bar counters: never chat up the obnoxious guy or the bartender will associate you to him.
Boom to that. May be another example of how power sometimes requires to be "ruthless".
Boom!! Man, Bella is a brilliant social strategist!
